RiffText/NukeNoid/1

RENDEZVOUZ IN HELL PLAZA: PART ONE

{cut to a barren, desert wasteland. Cacti abound, and the sun is blaring down. Bones are scattered, and a tumbleweed blows by. Subtitles come up: LOS ANGELES. Suddenly, the ground starts to shake. A massive lizard rampages past the screen, with Greaser in full black combat gear driving a buggy beside it. Nacho is in the back, wearing a suit and tie, shooting at it from a turret.}

NOXIGAR: Wait, if they're going to Hell, shouldn't they head north for Michigan? Egh, nevermind. It's a plaza in California apparently.

NACHO: These things don't {grunt} die like they used to!

GREASER: Maybe you don't shoot like you used to, eh, Pack?

NOXIGAR: {imitating Nacho} I shoot {grunt} fine, I'll have you know.

NACHO: I would be shooting a hell of a lot better if my driver didn't flip out at a rock!

GREASER: Listen, just shut up and shoot!

NACHO: {sighs} I am getting too old to deal with this.

{Greaser takes out a walky-talky.}

GREASER: Foxtrot five, this is Greaser, repeat, Greaser! What's taking so long in there?

NOXIGAR: {imitating Greaser} You said this mission would be "in a jiffy". I measured said jiffy on my jar of peanut butter!

NUCLEAR NOID: {voice} I'm sorry, is somebody complaining out there? Blue, we have a complainer!

BLUEBRY BULLETS: {voice} Oh, Mr. Rookie, I'm so sorry I can't destroy a rampaging lizard monster from the inside as fast as you like. I'm trying not to get shredded to pieces by the trigger finger on your back.

GREASER: Nacho, stop the gun!

NACHO: What?! Why would I stop?

NOXIGAR: You want me to hit another rock with this buggy? No? Then stop shooting!

GREASER: Because you're killing our men!

NACHO: Bah, nothing'll kill those crazies.

GREASER: {sighs} Guys, just move in as fast as you can and rip out the heart.

BLUEBRY BULLETS: The other ones are in there doing that already.

GREASER: Then what are you doing?

BLUEBRY BULLETS: Sitting around and counting gumballs, of course!

NOXIGAR: Well, no wonder the mission's taking so long, then.

{cut to the inside of the beast. Brooks Jaxxon in all leather clothing, Dinomyte in bloody t-shirt and slacks with a mullet, Chwoka in denim jeans with no shirt, and Danzal in a black skin-tight suit stand around a throbbing, vaguely heart-shaped thing.}

CHARGING CHWOKA: Think we should slash it?

DANZAL: Nah, I muzch prefar ze old methodz, you know: punchz through, get inzide, eat it...

NOXIGAR: Um, the days of the Aztecs are far from over in 2010. And you're not an Aztec.

DINOMYTE: {slams down liquor bottle} I don't give a bloody damn how we kill this thing, we just need to kill it!

BROOKS JAXXON: Uhh...where's Noid and Blue?

{cut to another part of the insides of the beast. Nuclear Noid is wearing a sweat-stained wifebeater and khakis with a brown belt, while Bluebry Bullets is wearing an armless shirt with ammo straps going down his chest. They are counting gumballs. Cut back to the heart.}

CHARGING CHWOKA: I dunno, I think slashing would be faster.

BROOKS JAXXON: No way, we need to shoot it, protocol.

CHARGING CHWOKA: Faster!

BROOKS JAXXON: Protocol!

DINOMYTE: AHH just shoot the damn thing!

{Dinomyte blasts at the heart violently, screaming like the insane drunk he is. A hologram of Mu appears. He's wearing WHATEVER YOU LIKE}

NOXIGAR: {singing} I said he's wearing WHATEVER YOU LIKE.

MU: You idiot! Now it's gonna explode!

CHARGING CHWOKA: But we killed the heart!

MU: Yes, and that will make it explode violently! Didn't you read the intel?

CHARGING CHWOKA: I'm an amnesiac, I can't remember intel!

{The insides start to shake and the hologram flickers and disappears. The screen goes white. Cut to the desert again. The lifeless corpse of the monster has fallen to the ground, with the upper half completely blown off. The buggy is flipped and on fire. The squad members are dusting organs off of themselves in disgust. Mu's hologram appears.}

MU: Hey, looks like nobody's dead! But you all are stupid!

NOXIGAR: Yeah, that giant lizard was a nobody apparently.

NUCLEAR NOID: Hey, wisehole, why don't you come down and fight?

MU: I'm at a Christmas party in the city. Hell Plaza, you know the deal.

BROOKS JAXXON: How come I never get invited?

CHARGING CHWOKA: I wouldn't know if I am invited often.

MU: Trust me, you guys aren't missing much...

{Hologram...ical bullets fly past Mu. He drops down to the ground. Screams are heard.}

NOXIGAR: I don't remember holograms being able to actually harm people. Maybe the electric shockwaves associated with them. Still, though.

MU: Oh god no, not this...

BLUEBRY BULLETS: What? What is it?

MU: Germans! Back-up, quick!

{The hologram shuts off.}

DANZAL: He lookz likez he'z in za trouble.

GREASER: We gotta get to Hell Plaza, fast.

NACHO: I am getting too old for this!

DINOMYTE: Yeah, sonny....well, you're not retired...

NACHO: You won't let me retire!

NOXIGAR: Dinomyte isn't your superior of rank. He can't tell you what to do, unless you let him.

NUCLEAR NOID: Gentlemen! Mu's in trouble, and not just any trouble. We all know how the Germans operate. We're going to Hell Plaza's Christmas party, and we're bringing the ass kick salad.

NOXIGAR: What if "Ass kick salad" doesn't want to come to this party? Then what?

{A helicopter flies down and everybody climbs aboard. The screen jumps to black with the words "TO BE CONTINUED" on it.}