(even if you aren't vegan)
RiffText/The Adventures of Domo and T Pedo/cool
DOMO: {is being carried by Lemon} OH GOD PLEASE DON'T LET ME GO TO AMERICA JAPAN IS MY HOME DAMNIT
LEMON: Baby.MELON: Baby, baby, OHHHHHH
{Cut to: America with T Pedo and Bell}
IM A BELL: Look, I know you don't want to leave, but you're scaring our cats.
T PEDO: But-
{Bell roundhouse kicks T Pedo onto the street in Japan where the airplane to America is. Lemon and Domo are there}
DOMO: O HAI THAR.
LEMON: Domo, I think your friend landed on my shoe. Anyways, who the hell are you?
MELON: Floyd Drinkwater, financial adviser.
T PEDO: Oh hey! I'm Timothy Alvin Pedo.
DOMO: HAY WANNA BE BEST FRIENDS FOREVER
T PEDO: OKAY
DOMO: LAWL LET'S SHARE A SMOOTHIE
T PEDO: SORRY, I'VE BEEN BANNED FROM THE SMOOTHIE SHOP
DOMO: OKAY HAVE THIS INVISIBLE SUIT {puts an invisible suit on T Pedo, but it malfunctions and he can't take it off} AND PLUS THIS IS A JAPANESE SMOOTHIE SOPMELON: sop: the act of giving a conciliatory gift or bribe
T PEDO: ...THEN WHY DID I NEED THE SUIT GET IT OFF I WANNA BE SEEN AT THE SOP
DOMO: Why don't you just TAKE it off?
T PEDO: BECAUSE I LIKE YELLING {tries to pull the suit off} IT WON'T COME OFF AND OH GOD THERE'S A RAT IN IT
LEMON: HOLY HELLMELON: Batman!{whacks the rat but misses} HOLD ON I'LL PUT SOME WATER ON YOU {throws some water, but it gets worse and makes T Pedo fall into the water and drown} DOMO: HOLY ASS DIPPED IN DAMN ACID
MELON Batman!. {jumps into the water and does CPR on T Pedo}
T PEDO: BLARGH! {claws extend from the suit, and he starts scratching up Domo's face}
DOMO: AHHHHH HOLY HELL IS THERE A DOCTOR IN THIS ROOM
JAPANESE LADY: Watashi gozen ato dokutoru!MELON: "I totally used a translator for this! Hurr!"
DOMO: ONE THAT SPEAKS ENGLISH?
IM A BELL:{mouth grows giant} WAIT! I CAN USE MAH MARY SUE POWERS! STICK THESE {pulls out two Babelfish} BABBLEFEYESH IN YOUR EARS.
DOMO: OKAY. {sticks them into his ears} SAY IT AGAIN.MELON: My god, I think my ears have exploded from all this yelling.
LADY: Watashi gozen ato dokutoru!
DOMO: So you are a doctor?
LADY: Sayou.
DOMO: She said yes. So, since you are a docter, My friends drowning. DO CPR.
LADY: Watashi iyoku. {Leans onto T Pedo and does CPR}
DOMO: She said "I will". {takes out Bablefish}
IM A BELL: Good.MELON: Wait, isn't he supposed to still be in America?LEMON: I have a seahorse in America. Let's go before the plane leaves. {a plane to america with the American flag on it pulls in} Just on time. Let's go.
MELON: How convenient.
{they all walk in}
IM A BELL: ...Now what?
LEMON: Sit down, Captain Obvious.
{they sit down and enjoy some peanuts}
T PEDO: Wait, if I'm invisible, how did that doctor... Nevermind.
DOMO: Oh crap. She could have been making "sexy sex sex" if she missed. {shutter} Well, at least she was hot.
T PEDO: And asian. {somehow wellfaces, even though he's invisible}
LEMON: Those girls are hot.MELON: {Lemon puts on sunglasses}YEAAAHH.
T PEDO: And everything's smaller in Asia. Therefore, nobody will make fun of your... I think you get my point.
{The airplane crashes}
T PEDO: ... {sarcastic} Well, THAT was an interesting crash.
IM A BELL: Quiet, T Pedo! We ran out of lampshades back when we were on the Island of Tropus!MELON: Tropus pocus!
DOMO: ...How were we the only one on this plane? And how did we just land on an island? Wait... {reads plane} Plane to Amercia!? Amercia must be the name of the island we're on OH CRAP IS THAT A SHARK
T PEDO: O DER. BUT YOU ARE DOMO YOU CAN EAT THE SHARK WITH YOUR DOMO-MOUTH
DOMO: GOOD POINT GEET IN MAH BELLEH SHARK {eats shark in one bite}
T PEDO: BAWWWW WHY DIDN'T YOU SAVE SOME FOR ME I'M A DOMO-THING TOO APPARENTLY
DOMO: THERE'S ONE ON YOUR LEG. DIG IN.
T PEDO: ...THAT'S NOT MY LEG. ... {passes out}
{The doctor ladyMELON: , who just so happened to be able to swim for miles in record time,rushes in and brings him to life}
T PEDO: ...GET THE GODDAMN SHARK OFF MY DI-{passes out again}
LEMON: ...DAMNIT T PEDO THERE IS NO SHARK ANYWHERE ON YOUR BODY. IT'S LAYING NEXT TO YOU.
T PEDO: ...OH OKAY
DOMO: NOW DIG IN OR I'LL EAT IT.
T PEDO: OKAY, MOM {eats the shark, which looks really disturbing considering he's invisible}
{The island they're on explodes. Domo, T pedo, Lemon, and Bell somehow surviveMELON: because they are mary sues and nothing bad happens to them.}
T PEDO: OW... I GUESS
{Pan out to see a man with only one eye in his underwear dancing with some TNT}
MAN: WEEEEE
T PEDO: GO STICK THAT TNT UP YOUR ASS
DOMO: Who the hell are youMELON: I am the law.talking to?
{The man disappears and music from Phantom of the Opera plays}
T PEDO: ...BUT I'VE NEVER SEEN PHANTOM OF THE OPERA
{Michael Myers comes out of nowhere}
MICHAEL MYERS: ... Hey guys. I'm here to kill... {looks at card} Timothy Alvin Pedo, is it?
{T Pedo walks behind Michael Myers and is unseen because he's invisible}
T PEDO: SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS! {pulls out a butcher knife, starts hacking Michael Myers into pieces}
{Freddy Krueger comes out of nowhere}
T PEDO: ...I'M NOT A CHILDRENS AND I'M AWAKE HAHAHA YOU CAN'T KILL ME
FREDDY: ... AW DAMNIT. {Warps away}
{Jason Voorhees comes in}
T PEDO: GO BACK TO YOUR LAKE, VOORHEES.
{A single tear drops down Jason's face.MELON: This is how a man cries.He disappears. Leatherface appears}
T PEDO: ...You know your chainsaw is on fire, right?
LEATHERFACE: ...Is this the Evilcon? I heard Jason Voorhees, Freddy Krueger, and Michael Myers would be here.
T PEDO: ...Oh. Sorry, I thought they were trying to kill me. Umm... {points to the pile of body parts} That's what's left of Myers. I scared the other two off.
LEATHERFACE: HI MICHAEL HI MICHAEL
REMAINS OF MICHAEL MYERS: GET OUT OF HERE BACKSEAT KILLER.
{Leatherface warps away and Domo feeds Michael Myers to that crazy man}
LEMON: AHAHA NICE GOING DOMO
T PEDO: I'D WELLFACE BUT MY HEAD APPEARS TO HAVE IMPLODED
DOMO: HEY LOOK IT'S A SUPER POWERED TRAMPOLINETM AND A PLANE RIGHT OVER IT. SHOULD WE JUMP, MACINTOSH?
{Domo pulls out a Macintosh computer labeled "Big Mac"MELON: Actually, I'll just have some fries, thanks though.and hugs it}
IM A BELL: BLAAAGH MACS {pulls out an axe, chops up the Mac}
LEMON: OH MY GOD! YOU KILLED BIG MAC!
{Domo pulls out an invincible Macintosh also labeled Big Mac}
IM A BELL: BLAAAGH INVISIBLE MACS {pulls out an invisible axe, chops up the invisible Mac}
LEMON: ... IT WAS INVINCIBLE NOT INVISIBLE YOU IDIOT.
IM A BELL: ...BLAAAGH INVINCIBLE MACS {pulls out an axe that can destroy anything and attempts to chop up the invincible Mac.}
{THE ALMIGHTY APOCALYPSE occurs.MELON: How convenient.Domo, T Pedo, Lemon, and Bell crawl into a secret chamber labeled "APOCALYPSE SAFTEY! hidden in sand and dust.}
IM A BELL: HEY I HAVE AN IDEA. {pulls out a calculator, types in "80085". it looks like "BOOBS". T Pedo can fly now}
LEMON: BOOBS.
T PEDO: BOOBS.
DOMO: BOOBS.
IM A BELL: ...BOOBS DAMNIT.
{Everyone grows boobs}
T PEDO: ...DAAAAAAANG.
DOMO: ...LOOK AT THOSE HONKERS ON T PEDO. Oh wait he's invisible. Carry on. HEY BELL CHECK IF THE APOCALYPSE IS OVER AFTER 5 SECONDS.
IM A BELL: Umm... {walks out, comes back in with his head charred} Nope. It's still goin' on.
DOMO: ... We'll be in here for a while. So we should put stuff in it.
{A Pacman machine, an HD TV, a shrine dedicated to Domo III (1852-1901 we will never forget), an infinite amount of pies in a pantry, and an EAIaEASS (Emergency Apocalypse Inside an Emergency Apocalypse Shelter Shelter) appear.}MELON: This is getting redundant.
T PEDO: Why would we need a-
{A spider drops down from the ceiling. Its mouth grows huge, and many, many 
s spew out of it}
IM A BELL: OH GOD
LEMON: QUICK! INTO THE EMERGENCY APOCALYPSE INSIDE AN EMERGENCY APOCALYPSE SHELTER SHELTER!
{They run into the shelter. Every piece of furniture from the other shelter is in here and there are no spiders.}
IM A BELL: ...Please tell me there isn't a Emergency Apocalypse Inside An Emergency Apocalypse Inside An Emergency Apocalypse Shelter Shelter Shelter.
DOMO: Hm... {looks down for a second} Yes.MELON: This is getting redundant.
IM A BELL: Urgh. I hope we don't have to use it.
{A hurricane starts. They climb into the shelter. It looks just like the other ones, minus the spider and hurricanes.}
IM A BELL: ...I shouldn't mention the Emergency Apocalypse Inside An Emergency Apocalypse Inside An Emergency Apocalypse Inside An Emergency Apocalypse Shelter Shelter Shelter Shelter, but I will. {wellfaces}MELON: This is getting redundant.{A cage falls out of the sky, onto Im a bell.
MELON: But I thought they were inside! My childhood is raped.Domo then pulls out Big Mac the Macintosh Computer and turns him on. Various clicking sounds are heard. Soon, Domo springs up.}
DOMO: ...THE APOCALYPSE IS OVER AFTER AN HOUR. YAY. ... Now how do we get up, Big Mac?
BIG MAC: {robotic voice} Well, you can use your boobs to make the hurricane and spider distracted.
DOMO: YOU RULE. {turns off Big Mac the Macintosh Computer and takes Bell out of the cage. Everyone's boobs grow. They put on attractive wigs and go of the shelter and out of the shelter and out of the shelter, unharmed. The Apocalypse is now over. Yay.}
IM A BELL: ...WHY DO I STILL HAVE BOOBS
{The island somehow regrows. A plainBLUEBRY: planefor America pulls in. They get on. After the plain
MELON: What, shit, I thought I locked the door.
BLUEBRY: planeis blocked by clouds, it fades to T Pedo and Bell's house. Domo, Lemon, Bell, and T Pedo walk in. T Pedo picks up some mail saying "TO T PEDO, FROM PEDOBEAR (YOUR COUSIN)". T Pedo opens it and reads it out loud.}
MELON: AUGGHHHH GET OUT
T PEDO: "DEAR T PEDO, HOW HAVE YOU BEEN? I AM FINE. I HAVE KIDNAPPED MANY SMALL CHILDREN. PLEASE DO NOT CALL THE POLICE. -PB".
{Lemon pulls out a cell phone. T Pedo knocks it out of his hands.}
T PEDO: HE SAID DON'T DAMMIT
HARUHI SUZUMIYA: Domo, I am your father.
ICHIGO KUROSAKI: And I am your mother.
NARUTO UZUMAKI: And I am your cousin.MELON: I smell a sitcom!
DOMO: O RLY?
EVERYONE: YA RLY!
T PEDO: NO WAI
{Pan out to heaven. Chuck Norris wellfaces. Everyone laughs.}
T PEDO: ...That's not funny.
{Chuck Norris starts crying.}
DOMO: WHY CAN'T WE STOP LAUGHING AHAHAHAHA
ICHIGO: Can I kill you?
DOMO: ...NOT ME KILL THAT DALEK.
{Ichigo rushes off and kills a Dalek.}
HARUHI: As it turns out, we were lying. {rips skin off, revealing a large snake}
{Boss music plays. Domo hits the Snake (MELON: AUTHOR'S NOSE:I'm calling it Snakezon H4R0H1) with a giant sword.}
DOMO: You go girl!
{Pause}
DOMO: ... UM WHAT WHY DID I SAY THAT I DIDN'T WANT TO
{Snakezon H4R0H1 summons a Playboy bunny and kisses him. Kisses fly around the room. One hits Bell, costing 10 damage.}
SNAKEZON H4R0H1: You suck Domo!MELON: Well, THAT'S for sure.
{T Pedo uses WELLFACE ATTACK. Critical Hit! -50 damage!}
T PEDO: A-iggght!
{Snakezon H4R0H1 uses IT'S A TRAP on Lemon! SUPER AFFECTIVE! -200 damage! Lemon is knocked out!}
SNAKEZON: Yay!
LEMON: Wh-whyyyy m-m-meeee...
{Domo uses Y SO SRS on Snakezon! Super affective! -100 damage! Snakezon is struggling!}
DOMO: Yee-haw!
{T pedo uses MORE THAN JUST A PIECE OF GUM! Knock-out! -900 damage! Snakezon is PURE DEAD! Fade out to a stage. T pedo is probably there, but we don't know because he's invisible.}
T PEDO: This song...
Was made by MEEEE...
I star on this show...
Along with DOMO, LEMON, AND BELLLL...
Yes we do, on a SHOW PRODUCED BY THE SOS BRIGADE!
MELON: Her what?
Oh, and, Pedobear is referenced SOMETIMES....
Yes he does...
YEEEEAH!
I'll go munching on a Philly Burger pretty soon...
We are the champions... of the world!
Oh also, directed by Marc Summers!
Fuh-hen! FIN!
