ROBUTTNIKS MEAN BEAN MACHEAN

FOUR WORDS

SKULLB: Hey, all. Skullbuggy here! Some of you may not have been here to see this, but this is ROBUTTNIKS MEAN BEAN MACHEAN. A classic of its time, it has been restored for all to see, for all to marvel in its glory. This is the story of a man named Dr. REBOTNEK and his assistants, SKRATCH and GRONDER. These three men fought against the republic of Mobius, a land where singing and fun was overabundant. In his anger, REBOTNEK decided to make Mobius less happy by creating the Bean Steamer, a machine made to turn beans into robots. From there, it just gets more powerful. So sit back, relax, and stack some beans.

CHEPTER WONE

SKRATCH GRONDER COME HERE

YES BOSS

DURRH WHAT IS IT

I HAVE MADE A BEAUTIFUL THING WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE IT

WHY OF COURSE

I CALL IT THE BEAN STEAMER

DURRH WHAT DOES IT DO

WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK

IT MAKES BEANS INTO ROBOTS

OBVIOUSLY

WITH THIS I SHALL RID MOBIUS OF HAPPINESS FOREVER

WHAT

NOW I WILL SEND MY BEST TROOPS TO GUARD THE BEAN PRISONERS SO WE DO NOT HAVE ANY COMPLICATIONS

GOOD THINKING DR. REBOTNEK

BUAHAHAHAHA

CHEPTER TOO

HELLO THERE GENTLEMEN MY NAME IS ERMS

IT IS BECAUSE I HAVE LARGE ERMS

IT IS A SUBTLE JOKE YOU MAY NOT HAVE UNDERSTOOD

I AM HERE TO PROTECT THE BEANS FROM BEING RESCUED

COME TO ERMS MY BEAUTIES

ONE SOUND THRASHING LATER

OH GOD I CANNOT WALK YOU WIN I GUESS

HELLO THERE OLD BEAN MY NAME IS FRANKLIN

DO YOU GET IT

IT IS BECAUSE I AM LIKE FRANKENSTEIN

BUT I DIGRESS I MUST STOP YOU OLD CHAP

HAVE AT YOU

AFTER A LONG WHILE OF STACKING BEANS

I WAS SO VERY VERY WRONG

WHY HELLO SIR I AM HUMPDY

IT IS LIKE THE EGG STORY

HUMPDY DUMPDY SAT ON A WALL

YOU CATCH MY DRIFT CORRECT

GOOD FOR NOW WE MUST FIGHT IN A BATTLE OF WITS

HUMPDY DUMPDY HAD A GREAT FALL

MY INSIDES ARE GOING WHERE THEY SHOULDN'T

HELLO I AM COKONETS

DR. REBOTNEK HAS TRUSTED ME WITH GUARDING THESE BEANS

YOU WILL NOT LEAVE EURASIA ALIVE

TIME SWIPE

OH JESUS CALL AN AMBULANCE

MEANWILE IN REBOTNEK'S LAB

WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN HE KILLED COKONETS

COKONETS WAS MY ONLY FRIEND

WHAT ABOUT ME SIR

NOBODY CARES ABOUT YOU AND YOUR ROOSTER TEETH

You don't have to be such an asshole about it.

NEVERTHELESS THIS IS NOT OVER

SEND OUT THE TROOPS

CHEPTER TREE

HOWDY PARDNER I AM DAVEY SPROKIT

DO YOU SEE MY COONSKIN CAP SIR

I AM A ROBOT DAVEY CROCKIT

BUT WE CAN TALK ABOUT THAT LATER

I MUST PIONEER SOME NEW TECHNIQUES

ONE LOUISIANA PURCHASE-SIZED BEATING LATER

MY LEFT LUNG SEEMS TO HAVE FOUND NEW FRONTIER

ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THAT FIELD

HOLY HELL WHAT AM I

I HAVE A PIG NOSE AND TWO WHEELS

I AM AN ABOMINATION

PUT ME OUT OF MY MISERY

STACK SOME BEANS

WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT

ALL YOU DID WAS STACK SOME BEANS

WHY AM I STILL ALIVE

HELLO SIR MY NAME IS

AND THEN HE EXPLODED BECAUSE HE IS DYNAMITE

DURRRH I AM GRONDER

YOU WONT GET PAST ME SIR

ONE FREESTYLE RAP BATTLE LATER

OH GOD PLEASE NO MORE

THE BLOOD IS POOLING AROUND ME AS I SPEAK

BACK AT REBOTNEKS HOWSE

GRONDER WAS JUST MURDERED IN COLD BLOOD SKRATCH

WHAT A WAY TO GO HUH DR. REBOTNEK

BUT THIS IS JUST THE BEGINNING OF THE END

WHAT DO YOU MEAN SIR

WE HAVE MORE IN STORE

READY WAVE THREE

WE WILL BE VICTORIOUS

CHEPTER FOR

YO YO YO WHAT UP

I FORGOT MY NAME

BUT WHATEVER

LET'S BATTLE YO

ONE EXTREME MACRAME COMPETITION LATER

BOY I GOT SCHOOLED

IT HURTS VERY BADLY

DOMO ARIGATO

MY NAME IS SIR F-FUZZY LOGIK

HOLY HELL IS THAT MY REAL NAME

GODDAMN

WHATEVER I AM A SAMURAI

I WILL BEAT YOU

豆の積み重ね

I HAVE FAILED

I AM COMING, ANCESTORS

A AAAAAAA AAA

AAA AA A AAAAA

AAA AAAAAA AA AAAAAAAAAA

CUT: REBOTNEK'S LAB, INT., DAY

WHAT THE HELL DO YOU KNOW ABOUT POPCORN SKRATCH

BUT I DIDN'T SAY ANYTH

YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH YOU MUTANT

THATS BETTER

THEY ARE GETTING CLOSER

WE MUST DEFEND OURSELVES SKRATCH

WE MUST READY OURSELVES FOR THE FINAL BATTLE

CHEPTER FIFE

SIR I SHALL GO AND STOP THE INTRUDER

COMMENDABLE SKRATCH

MAKE DADDY PROUD

THAT'S RIGHT

COME AND GET SOME

"Fine... I will."

WHAT

WAAAAUUGH STOP STABBING ME

GYAAAAARGH

AAAAARGH

GYAAAAAH

AAAH

SKRATCH DIED

"Heh... what a pushover."

SKRATCH HAVE YOU DISPOSED OF THE INTRU

SKRATCH NO

WHO DID THIS TO YOU SKRATCH

"I did."

WHO THE HELL ARE YOU

"I have no name. Some people call me... Solid Snake."

I DONT GIVE A CRAP

"Whatever the case, I'm here to stop you, Robotnik... or should I say... brother?"

EXCUSE ME

"You don't know, do you?"

OF COURSE NOT JUST TELL ME

"Dr. Robotnik, you and I were part of a project. A project called..."

"Las Habas Terribles."

LAS HABAS TERRIBLES

"Las Habas Terribles."

"It was a government project to create the perfect super soldier."

"The project spawned two children. One had the flawed genes, and one had the perfect genes."

"You... you were the perfect one."

OH REALLY

"Yes. You were to be mass-produced in order to create an army of super soldiers..."

"... who can consist on nothing but baked beans."

"I'm here to stop you from becoming mass-produced. I'm here..."

"... to save you."

"Do you want to be saved, Dr.? Do you?"

YES BROTHER

"Alright, then..."

{click}

"Any last words, Dr.?"

I HATE THAT HEDGEHOG

"Goodnight... Dr. Robotnik."

{BOOM.}

you say you want an explanation

I played Dr. Robotnik's Mean Bean Machine very recently. Though I did, honestly, really like the game, the story was unbelievably stupid. In a burst of inspiration, I decided to make a story about it in all caps.

Eventually I was plagued with the decision of how to end it. Naturally, I gave it the MGS ending. So that explains a lot, huh?