Homestrong Emails/H3

{Open to the Comportable, laying on the table, covered in dust. Homestrong walks in}

HOMESTRONG: {Whistling a tune. Takes a quick look at the Comportable, stops} Hey, I almost forgot about that. ...Oh well. {Begins to walk off}

SAMUEL: {Offscreen} Hey, wait a second!

{Samuel runs onscreen}

SAMUEL: Don't you think you should... y'know... check some email? Like you're supposed to?

HOMESTRONG: Well, I've been a little preoccupied lately, with evil schemes and such.

SAMUEL: Evil schemes? You call sitting on the couch watching Three's Company for hours an "evil scheme"?

HOMESTRONG: Hey, its not my fault Don Knotts is hilarious! {Hangs head for a few seconds} Oh, why did they get rid of Chrissy? Seriously, they're on their THIRD blonde roommate right now!

SAMUEL: Yeah, and the constant gay jokes with Jack are getting ol- OH WAIT A MINUTE. We're straying away from the subject here. The point is, you need to check your email right now.

HOMESTRONG: Fine, mom! {Picks up Comportable. Blows off dust}

COMPORTABLE: Finally! About damn time! Do you know how long I've been waiting the-

HOMESTRONG: Shut up. {Opens email}

HEY HOMESTRONG,
SOMETHING FUNNY GOING ON
YOU BETTER CHECK
HURRY UP
-Johnny Bellstrom

HOMESTRONG: {Typing as he speaks} "Something funny", eh, Johnny Bravo? Well, unless you're talking about Three's Company- {Suddenly angry} Which I'm missing! - {Calm}, then I have no idea what you're talking. ...In fact, why the hell should I listen to what random strangers tell me? ...I'm going home.

SAMUEL: ...You are ho-

HOMESTRONG: Shut up.

SAMUEL: ...Anyway, by something funny, I'm pretty sure he's talking about the new comedian sweeping the nation.

HOMESTRONG: Comedian?

SAMUEL: Yeah. He's called Chubby McBrown.

HOMESTRONG: ... {Burst out laughing} That... thats gotta be the stupidest name I've ever heard!

SAMUEL: Oh, like Homestrong is a common-

HOMESTRONG: {Stops laughing, irritated} Shut up.

{Cut to the couch. Samuel and Homestrong are watching TV}

TV ANNOUNCER: {On TV} Now back to... Chunky yet Deadly, with Chubby McBrown!

{Cut to a rather fat black man standing on a stage holding a microphone}

MCBROWN: So then I look at this dude and I say... "Is it because I'm... CHUNKAAAAAY!?"

{Crowd laughter. Cut back.}

HOMESTRONG: ...What the hell did I just watch?

SAMUEL: Like I said, he's the biggest star in standup comedy right now. He's a mixture of what everybody likes in comedy nowadays. Fat people, black men, and weird nonsensical stories.

HOMESTRONG: ...This is complete garbage! I can do funnier stuff then this!

SAMUEL: Somehow, I doubt that.

HOMESTRONG: Oh yeah? Well, I'm gonna prove it!

SAMUEL: ...Are you telling me you're actually going to-

HOMESTRONG: Yes... {Dramatic close-up} I must challenge Chubby McBrown to a comedy duel!

{Short Pause}

HOMESTRONG: ... {Annoyed} Somebody get this camera out of my face! {Camera zooms out} Anyway... Comportable! Track down McBrown's location!

COMPORTABLE: Lets see here... according to my research, Chubby McBrown is located in McBrown Mansion.

HOMESTRONG: Alright! TO MCBROWN MANSION!

{Batman music. Homestrong runs towards a pole and slides down into a large cave. He jumps into the "Strongmobile" and drives off}

SAMUEL: ...

{Cut to the teleporter system. Samuel walks into one}

SAMUEL: Seriously, am I the only one who notices these?

{Cut to a large throne room. Sitting on the throne, is Chubby McBrown. A butler walks in}

BUTLER: Mister McBrown, a short armless gentlemen would like to see you.

MCBROWN: Send this foo' in, dawg.

HOMESTRONG: {Enters} Chubby McBrown, I challenge you!

MCBROWN: What you blabbin' bout, shorty? And what about you?

{Camera zooms out to show Samuel standing next to Homestrong}

SAMUEL: I'm just here to watch.

MCBROWN: Anyway, what do you want? Is it because I'm... CHUNKAAAAY!?

{Long silence}

HOMESTRONG: {Whispering to Samuel} Why is that such a crowd pleaser?

SAMUEL: {Whispering to Homestrong} No idea.

HOMESTRONG: Anyway, I wish to challenge you to a battle of comedy! Best funny folk wins!

MCBROWN: Whats in it for me if I win?

HOMESTRONG: ...This guy. {Motions towards Samuel}

SAMUEL: What!?

MCBROWN: Deal! See you tomorrow night, foo'!

SAMUEL: {Glaring at Homestrong} ... I ha-

HOMESTRONG: Shut up.

SAMUEL: {Eyes narrow to slits}

{Cut to the next night, backstage. Samuel is talking to Homestrong in his dressing room}

SAMUEL: Well? How do you plan on getting out of this one?

HOMESTRONG: Simple! If things take a turn for the worse... TA-DA! {Pulls out a large, gun-like device} The Hypno-Master! One blast of this baby and everybody will be laughing their asses off!

SAMUEL: Are you sure this plan won't horribly backfire in a comedic fashion?

HOMESTRONG: Don't be ridiculous! This machine is fool-proof!

SAMUEL: Fool-proof? Even around you of all people?

HOMESTRONG: But of cour- HEY WAIT A MINUTE

{Later...}

ANNOUNCER: Now give it up for... CHUBBY MCBROWN AND HOMSTRING STROONER!

{McBrown and Homestrong enter the stage}

HOMESTRONG: Wait, what!? Thats Homestrong Strunner!

ANNOUNCER: Yeah, yeah... LET THE COMEDY BATTLE BEGIN! First move goes to Chubby McBrown!

HOMESTRONG: {Muttering to self} Ha! What can he possibly do?

MCBROWN: ...CHUNKAAAAY!?

{The crowd bursts into laughter and clapping}

MCBROWN: Y'all been a great audience!

ANNOUNCER: Now to Homestrong!

HOMESTRONG: ...Seriously!? That was it!? ...Anyway, um... why did the gopher cross the road?

{Silence}

HOMESTRONG: To do what... gophers do!

{Even more silence. Cut to Samuel, watching from the audience. He buries his face into his hands}

SAMUEL: I'm screwed...

{Cut back to Homestrong:'

HOMESTRONG: ...CHUNKAAAAY!?

{Silence}

HOMESTRONG: Oh, you have got to be kidding!

{Soon enough the air is filled with booing}

HOMESTRONG: Alright, time for plan B! TAKE THIS! {Pulls out Hypno-Master. Presses button... but instead of hypnotyzing every one, the machine explodes, sending Homestrong flying back.} AAAAAAAAAAAAAH! {Slams into a wall}

{Silence. Everybody in the room (even McBrown) bursts with large amounts of laughter}

ANNOUNCER: It is decided! The winner is... HOMESTRONG STRUNNER!

HOMESTRONG: ...God, you people suck.

{Cut back to Homestrong's lair}

HOMESTRONG: See? I told you I was a comedy genius!

SAMUEL: Yeah... but the only comedy you caused is by humiliating yourself!

HOMESTRONG: Shut up! It counts! Anyway... back to Three's Company!

SAMUEL: ...Oh, what the hell?

{Cut to Homestrong and Samuel watching Three's Company}

HOMESTRONG & SAMUEL: {Singing along with the theme song} Gonna knock on your door! Gonna be waiting for you!

{Paper of Eternal Suffering comes down. End of email}