(even if you aren't vegan)
The Complete History of Music
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Revision as of 01:56, 13 February 2009 by Aussie Evil (talk | contribs)
- IN THE BEGINNING there was no music because survival was too important. Then people in Africa were like "crap what do we do with these animal pelts" "man i got an idea we'll invent DRUMS" and they made some funky scream-o music. Then wind instruments were invented somehow, and string instruments too. Soon, you had tons of people playing all of the instruments they could get their grubby little mitts on and orchestras happened. It was a wild orgy of noise until some guy stepped up and said "man, organize!" and he invented music sheets and shit and then he had to tell evreyone how to use them. It took a huge advertising budget but there were a lot less people then. So then, once everyone knew how to use them they were like "well, what do we play" so Bach and Beethoven and stuff all stepped up and said "HEY CHECK IT OUT CHECK IT OUT CHECK IT OUT!" and soon we had music! Then things happened. Now we have America! Hooray! Freedom for all! No, not you slaves. Go sing about how sad you are. Wimps. OOPS WE JUST INVENTED BLUES OH WELL. Then those black people somehow got their hands on freedom and instruments and it split into gospel and stuff. Somewhere during all this, country happened. So then all these blackies had instruments and they were not sad so they had happiness and invented jazz. Then some other guys said "crap I want to make music but I can't decide between country and blues" "man i got an idea we'll invent ROCK AND ROLL" so they did.
- THE BEATLES!
- Aww now the Beatles are over but at least we've had a mostly-imagined cultural evolution so we've always got that going for us. Oh, and hey, synthesizers! Well I kind of like those 60s sounds but I don't like the difficult lyrics I KNOW I'll combine Early Beatles' lyrical lightness with all those post-Beatles sounds. AWW CRAP IT'S DISCO! GODDAMN IT. Then My Sharona came along and everybody was like "Oh, hey, Rock still exists? Screw this Disco crap." and Disco literally keeled over and died. So now you have the 80s and people are doing new and exciting sounds again! Hello, Punk! Hello, New Wave! Hello...pop? Aww hellz naw, not more pop shizzle. Oh, what's this? HIP-HOP!? RAP!? Man these are some funky beats. Funky, funky beats. Somewhere along the line the 80s ended and the 90s was just like the 80s only not corny or fun. Oh, and there was Grunge for like, 3 years. Just like that, the 90s were over! Then the Dubbs were just an extension of the 90s with no significant musical advances besides pop music becoming MORE unbearable. Hopefully we'll get some better music in the upcoming decade!
