Quark: The Musical

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{open up in a bedroom. An alarm clock rings, and a purple quark jumps out of bed}

QUARK: Oh, I'm a quark! Split me open.

{Quark splits open, showing his stringy insides}

QUARK: I've got strings in MEEEEEEE!

{Quark closes up and spins around like an ice skater}

QUARK: I can be an up-or-down-or-charm-or-strange-or-top-or-bottom QUUAAAARRKK!

{Quark is joined by two other quarks. The bedroom turns into a darkened stage with a single spotlight}

QUARKS: WE ARE ALL QUARKS

{a bottle of glue labeled "GLUONS" appears and glues them together.}

QUARKS: THESE ARE OUR GLUONS THEY ARE MEMBERS OF A GROUP CALLED BOSONS

{a giant green sheet wraps them up into a sphere}

PROTON: WE ARE A PROTON BECAUSE WE HAVE TWO UP QUARKS AND ONE DOWN QUARK

{the sheet unwraps, the quarks rotate 120 degrees, and an orange sheet wraps them up again}

NEUTRON: NOW WE ARE A NEUTRON WITH TWO DOWN QUARKS AND ONE UP QUARK

{the sheet unwraps and the stage turns into a school classroom. The quarks unglue and the other two seperate from the original Quark}

QUARK: My friends are the leptons they surround me in class

{a bouncing lemon-colored lepton slightly smaller than Quark leans over from the next desk over}

ELECTRON: Hi, I'm Electron

{a bouncing mint-colored lepton leans in from the left}

MUON: Hi, I'm Muon

{a bouncing bubblegum-colored lepton leans in from behind Quark}

TAU: Hi, I'm Tau

LEPTONS: WE ARE ALL LEPTONS!

{suddenly the leptons start budding little white zit-thingies}

ELECTRON: Oh no! We're getting acne!

MUON: Is it acne?

TAU: No, they're neutrinos!

{the neutrinos shoot out in every direction from their "skin"}

LEPTONS: IT TICKLES

QUARK: That's because they can pass straight through the Earth!

LEPTONS: WOW YOU KNOW MORE ABOUT US THAN WE DO

QUARK: That's because you're all extremely mentally ill!

LEPTON: HAHA LOL

{the school setting changes into a blank white scene. A little bee-thingy called Higgs Boson is buzzing along, carrying a gigantic heavy lourde which says "1.08720403×10^-25 kg". The bee-thingy is swallowed by Quark, by the bottle of gluons, by a photon, and by a wimpy nerd labeled "Weak force".}

HIGGS BOSON: {high whiny voice} I'm a Higgs Boson! I'm a Higgs Boson! A the-o-reti-cal particle... that causes mass! I'm in everything except leptons! They're missing out on all my awesome pillar of weight and mass!

{the Higgs Boson crashes into an apple, which falls down and splats. The Higgs Boson comes up as a ghost}

HIGGS BOSON GHOST: Sadly, the Standard Model of which I am part does not include gravity.

{a giant Isaac Newton standing on a green grassy hill catches the ghost in his hand and swallows it, plumping his belly}

GIANT ISAAC NEWTON: And how!

{giant Isaac Newton is run over by Quark, Indiana-Jones style}

QUARK: WHEEEEEEEEEEE

GIANT ISAAC NEWTON: ow

{Quark spins into two other quarks, they are glued together, and they are wrapped up. Many other quark triplets are also wrapped up and they are joined together with little James Bond heads into elements of various sizes. The periodic elements of the elements flashes by, one by one as Pomp and Circumstance plays quietly on the flute.}

ELEMENTS: {chanting repeatedly} WE ARE ELEMENTS WE ARE HERE 118 UP YOUR EAR

{the heavy lourde crushes the entire scene into a black hole singularity which flushes like a toilet}