Wikihood/eps/4

Summary

Instead of getting a job, Chaos gets the bright idea of returning to crime. Leigh manages to keep his job.

Transcript

{Open to Leigh's apartment at 6:00AM. His alarm clock begins to buzz. Leigh wakes up, looking groggy and squinting. He looks at the alarm, and peels the bedsheets off. He sits at the edge of the bed and looks at his phone. Cut to a shot of his phone, showing several new texts from Jules. One of them reads "awesum night, fam!", accompanied by a selfie of the two, looking obviously drunk and grinning widely. Leigh chuckles at the picture.}

LEIGH: Look at that. I made a new friend and got a new job.

{Leigh winces as he grabs his forehead in pain.}

LEIGH: And I made the wise choice to drink the night before. Go me.

{Leigh gets up from his bed and shuffles over to the 90s stereo that's on his dresser. He presses the radio button. The radio announcer sounds exactly like someone doing a Robin Williams impression, but not getting it quite right.}

RADIO ANNOUNCER: GOOOOOD MORRRRNIN' TOWNINDALE, I'M YOUR HOST, WILLIAM ROBINS, AND YOU ARE LISTENING TO HOLLYWOOD RADIO, THE ONLY STATION WHERE THE STARS PLAY THE HITS! We're gonna start this morning off with a 90s classic. We got ourselves some BRIIIIITNEY SPEARS! HIT IT!

{Leigh strikes a pose as the first few notes of ...Baby One More Time begin to play. He swags over to his bathroom. Cut to his top half in the shower, where he's mouthing along to the lyrics with his eyes closed, grooving hard to the song. Pan out to an above shot of the wigmaker's shop. As the chorus of "Hit Me Baby, One More Time" plays, the Wikihood logo appears, and we pan to the front room of Chaos, Lex, and Garfield's apartment. Lex has just appeared on-screen, wearing a tie with a picture of Bruce Willis, Morgan Freeman, and John Malkovich on it. while Chaos is sitting on the couch in his pajamas, watching the morning news and eating from a tub of ice cream. Garfield is nowhere to be seen. Chaos turns to Lex.}

CHAOS: I thought you were going to wear a red tie.

LEX: Ya, mon. It's my favorite Bruce Willis movie.

CHAOS: Aren't movie references supposed to be Garfield's schtick?

{Chaos looks around.}

CHAOS: Where the hell is he?

{Cut to a high-tech laboratory. Garfield is casually analyzing DNA samples on a computer. Behind him is a scene of carnage, as scientists are engaged in battle against a horde of giant Venus Flytraps which are hellbent on devouring them.}

GARFIELD: This is why you shouldn't have let them out of the cage, Jerry!

{A nearby scientist, whose nametag reads "Jerry," responds to Garfield.}

JERRY: How was I supposed to know that they had developed a taste for human flesh?

{Garfield shoots a look of disbelief, at Jerry.}

GARFIELD: Have you never seen Little Shop of Horrors?

JERRY: But they're aliens, Garfield!

GARFIELD: It's the same principle!

{Garfield can hear the agonized screams of his fellow coworkers, through an intercom. He takes a deep breath, trying to tune everything out just long enough to not panic.}

GARFIELD: Hold on, I can do this... Just give me a second!

{Garfield pours some colored vials of liquid into a machine while he types on the computer. After a couple of seconds, the machine makes a "ding" sound, and it pours out a glowing green liquid into a cup. Garfield transfers the green liquid into an aerosol spray and puts goggles on. He strolls over to a scene of a plant in the middle of devouring a scientist and sprays it with the formula. The plant freezes and spits the scientist out, who emerges alive and well. He sprays the formula all around the laboratory, prompting the plants to cease their attacks on the scientists and become docile. He then gently leads the plants back into their cages and goes back to his computer. Cut back to Chaos and Lex.}

CHAOS: On second thought, I'm not sure why I bothered asking. I'm not even sure I care.

LEX: You've only been here for a couple days, tops.

{Lex checks his watch.}

LEX: I'd like to continue this conversation, mon, but I've got work to do as well.

CHAOS: Guess that leaves me with...

{Chaos takes out a ski mask. Lex looks immediately alarmed.}

LEX: You're not goin' back at it again, are you? Won't you get in trouble with your parole officer?

CHAOS: My what?

LEX: Parole officer.

CHAOS: You act like those guards gave a shit. They wanted me out of there as much as I wanted me out of there.

{Lex takes a moment to digest what Chaos is saying, and eventually just leaves it be.}

LEX: See ya later. Try not to do anything reckless.

{Lex walks offscreen. Cut to Leigh on his first day at the job. He enters the ominously evil building, to be immediately greeted by Jacqueline Rosenberg at the ground floor.}

JACQUELINE: Greetings, Mr. More. I see you're here right on time. I'm almost impressed.

LEIGH: Haha, of course! Nothing's gonna stop me from doing this job, Mrs. Rosenberg!

JACQUELINE: It's "Miss," thank you very much.

LEIGH: I'm sorry, Miss Rosenberg, I j-just assumed-...

JACQUELINE: Well, don't. Assumption is the mother of all eff-ups.

{Jacqueline's face contorts into an obviously-fake smile.}

JACQUELINE: Anyway, shall I show you to your office?

LEIGH: Yes, please!

{Jacqueline leads Leigh to the elevator. As the doors are beginning to close, Jules can be seen, attempting to catch it before it's too late. He is too late. Leigh is about to press the button on the panel to open the doors, but Jacqueline instinctively moves his hand away.}

JACQUELINE: First lesson, Mr. More. You cannot do things for other people. If they cannot help themselves, it is their responsibility, and not yours. My nephew can wait for the next elevator.

{Jacqueline presses the button for floor thirteen. As the elevator moves upward, there is an awkward silence. Leigh tries to break the silence.}

LEIGH: Gee, haha. Remember when elevators had music? That was wacky, huh?

{Jacqueline does not answer. She does not even acknowledge what Leigh said. Finally, the elevator lands at its destination and the doors open, revealing a large and soul-suckingly depressing room with individual cubicles.}

JACQUELINE: Follow me, please.

{Jacqueline leads Leigh to a cubicle at the far end of the room, next to a window. On the opposite side of the cubicle, a large Orc of 7'2 is seated at his computer. His large size dwarves the environment around him. Jacqueline points to an empty chair at a computer.}

JACQUELINE: This is where you shall be working, and this... man here is one of your coworkers. If you have any inquiries...

{Jacqueline's fake smile widens.}

JACQUELINE: ...please don't hesitate to contact me.

{Jacqueline's fake smile fades as she walks away, leaving Leigh alone with his new coworker. The Orcish man turns his chair around to face Leigh, who is immediately intimidated by his large size. The Orc flashes a toothy smile and puts out a hand for Leigh to shake. Leigh reluctantly puts his hand forward, expecting it to be crushed. To his surprise, it is delicately shaken. The Orc begins to speak, revealing himself to have a thick Scottish accent.}

ORC: Another non-human, finally!

LEIGH: Y-you have me mistaken, I-I'm human, I-

ORC: Me name's Gronuruwd Gorehammer, be ye' can call me Gordon! Y'know how refreshin' it is t'see another non-human around 'ere? I like this job, but the facilities are a bit too wee, y'know? What's ya name?

LEIGH: My name's Leigh More, and I-

GORDON: Claymore, y'say? That's a badass Drow name if I ever 'eard one. Y'know what? I think we're gonna get along swimmingly. Ya new in town?

LEIGH: Well, I originally come from-

GORDON: I come from Glasgow, me'self. Well, wee little town in th' greater part, called Bishopbriggs. Y'heard of it? Ya, me and me' folks were th'only non-'umans. Needless t'say, I was picked first in every sport, regardless of whether or not I was actually good at them, y'know? Any similar experiences?

LEIGH: I get a lot of people being sorely mistaken with my species, it's rather frustrating how-

GORDON: Aye, it's a frustratin' experience. Most 'umans mean well, but ye' can't 'elp but think they see ye as the other. And bein' an Orc in a human society, all me' cuzzins' used t'jokingly call me "Gronuruwd the Human Boy." Just because I dinnae live in a hut, y'know? Ah. But don't ye' worry y'some, I understand ye. This was a good conversation, aye?

LEIGH: Uh...

GORDON: But I gottae get back t'work. You know what t'do, eh?

{Cut to Chaos, walking downtown with a ski mask in his hand.}

CHAOS: Alright, alright, alright. I'm gonna hit the jackpot tonight.

{Chaos shoves his ski mask into his back pocket and enters a shop called "Skied off". He starts casing the joint, making note of security cameras and other things people make note of when casing a joint. An employee spots his ski mask in his back pocket and approaches him.}

EMPLOYEE: Excuse me sir, may I see that ski mask?

{Chaos is surprised by the employee and nervously turns to face him}

CHAOS: Oh, uh, that ol' thing? I've had that for years.

EMPLOYEE: Oh, believe me, I can tell. From just a glance I can tell you that ski mask in your pocket is so three years ago. Clearly you must be in the market for a new one.

CHAOS: No, no. I'm just browsing.

EMPLOYEE: Nonsense my good man, you clearly need some new gear. And if you need a new mask, you need a new everything. Now let's take a look at that mask

{The employee already has the mask in his hand. He is diligently looking over it}

CHAOS: How did you-

EMPLOYEE: A lil' bandit ski mask, ironically not small, nor for thefts. I heard a guy got caught trying to rob a casino with one of these a few years back.

CHAOS: Yeah, funny that.

EMPLOYEE: I know just what you need.

{The employee crumples Chaos' mask in his hands, and when he opens his hands he is holding a brand new ski-mask}

EMPLOYEE: Behold: The Mask. Minimalistic design at extravagant prices.

CHAOS: It looks exactly the same.

EMPLOYEE: Ah, but that's where you're wrong, my good man. It's simply a better mask. I assure you it will be like no other mask you have ever worn. Why, just try it on!

{The mask has seemingly disappeared from the employees hands as a close up of his hands are shown}

CHAOS: Where'd it go?

EMPLOYEE: You're already wearing it, my dear boy!

{Cut back to the two as chaos quickly puts his hands to his face several times}

CHAOS: Holy shit! You... It feels really nice actually.

EMPLOYEE: Of course it does, it's just so perfectly you, don't you agree? Of course you do. Now, I simply can't let you walk away with just The Mask, a man like you needs a whole new set of gear. Follow me.

{The two men go through the store as different items from the different sections seemingly put themselves in Chaos's hands. Cut to afterward as Chaos is done shopping, ready to leave}

CHAOS: Well, thank you for everything, but what happened to my old mask?

EMPLOYEE: Check your back pocket.

{Chaos checks his back pocket to find his old ski mask there, where it was when he started. His eyes go wide as his mind is blown.}

CHAOS: Oh shiiiiiiiit...

{Meanwhile, at the Mattress Warehouse. Lex is sitting alone at a cashier booth near the entrance of the shop. "Human Nature" by Michael Jackson is echoing through the intercom and Lex is humming along to it. Zoom out to reveal that the shop is absolutely massive and practically empty, save for several mattress displays. Lex is the only person in this gigantic building. Zoom out even further to reveal that the store is sitting in a vacant part of the city outskirts.}

{Cut to Leigh, who is taking a phone call. The screen splits, showing the other end - a familiar young Asian woman, in business attire.}

LEIGH: Okay, so if I am getting this right, you would like the Rosenberg Association to support your candidate's campaign by allowing the use of the event room for a rally, correct?

STEPHANIE: That would be correct!

{Leigh hums in approval.}

LEIGH: Mmmhmm, okay, mmhmm. Okay, I just need to send a memo to the CEO... So he's announcing it today, huh?

{Leigh types on the keyboard a few times and clicks the mouse.}

STEPHANIE: Well, he's about to. We kind of need an endorsement from Rosenberg herself.

LEIGH: An endorsement? Oh my, I um, you might need to ask her directly.

STEPHANIE: Is there any way for word to get to her through e-mail? You can forward it to her.

LEIGH: Oh, okay. I can definitely do that. What's your name, again?

STEPHANIE: Young. Stephanie Young.

LEIGH: Stephanie? Alright. I've got it, and it's about to be sent. Do you want me to include your contact details?

STEPHANIE: I can't think of a reason to do that.

LEIGH: Oh, okay. That makes sense. Alright, it's sent. Anything else?

STEPHANIE: No. Have a good day!

LEIGH: Great! Alright, and you have a good day, too.

{Leigh's perspective takes up the whole screen once again, as he puts the phone down. He shuts his eyes for a moment, and exhales in relief.}

LEIGH: There is no script for when I have to TAKE a call...

{He opens his eyes only to find Gordon, who has rolled his chair right next to him and was in his face the entire time. He is freaked out and screams.}

LEIGH: WHOA. Hey there, Gordon.

GORDON: How was it? That sounded like an important 'un!

LEIGH: Oh, haha, yeah. Some politician wants to use this building to host a campaign rally.

GORDON: Ay, that sounds excitin'! First day on th'job, and ye already did somethin' cool!

{Leigh laughs awkwardly as he scratches his head.}

LEIGH: Y-yeah, haha.

{Suddenly, Leigh has been flanked as Jules appears on his other side, wearing sunglasses.}

LEIGH: Oh, Jules! What are you doi-

JULES: Shh. You're still on the clock.

{Five seconds of silence. Suddenly, a beeping sound.}'

JULES: AND NOW IT'S TIIIME TO CLOCK OUT, AND TIME TO HIT THE BAR WITH YOUR BUDDY, JULES!

LEIGH: I was... actually hoping to go home and take a nap...

JULES: Pfft, a nap? What is this, pre-school? Legends never sleep!

GORDON: Ey, aren't ye' the boss's nephew?

JULES: Why, yes I am! Aren't you that wrestler?

GORDON: No?

JULES: ...Oh. Wanna go drinking with us?

LEIGH: Hey, I didn't agree to-

GORDON: Oi, y'betcha! The San Cristobal Conquistadors are playing a game against the Giants!

JULES: Oh shit, no way? Won't this be Theros Torcan's first proper game since his comeback, too?

GORDON: Ye!

JULES: Fuck yes, we are DOING THIS.

LEIGH: Um, go sports team?

{Gordon and Jules grab Leigh by one arm each, and drag him offscreen. Cut back to Chaos, lugging a bag of skiing essentials down the street.}

CHAOS: Wow, what a great businessman. He managed to get me sweet deals on all of this ski equipment! I-... Wait a second.

{Chaos looks at the bag he's carrying, then pulls the receipt out of his pocket. He looks at it for a couple of seconds and his eyes widen in astonishment.}

CHAOS: Oh fuck!

{Chaos lugs the bag back to the street where the store was, only to find that the entire store has disappeared from its spot, leaving an empty space next to its surrounding buildings.}

CHAOS: H-h-h.. how?

{Chaos rushes over to an elderly gentleman, and grabs him by the shoulders.}

CHAOS: You! Di-did you see a ski shop in that empty space, literally like... five minutes ago?

ELDERLY MAN: Are ya talking about "Skied Off?" Why, that store burned down five years ago after an armed robbery went wrong. The shopkeeper and the thief both perished in the fire; it was all over the news!

{Chaos lets go of the man's shoulders. He lifts up the bag.}

CHAOS: But... I... just bought a bunch of stuff from that store... I wanted to return my items...

ELDERLY MAN: Gee, looks like you're in a bother, then. Ya better make some good use of that equipment! I could recommend some good skiing locations for you if you like!

CHAOS: I... I think I need to go home, and potentially have a mental breakdown. Thanks... though?

ELDERLY MAN: Any time, lad.

{Chaos and the Elderly Gentleman both walk away in the opposite direction. The Elderly Gentleman smirks as he walks offscreen. Cut to the apartment. Chaos enters to see Garfield back home and hand-crafting a plush of a purple heart at the dinner table.}

CHAOS: I don't suppose you enjoy skiing, do you?

GARFIELD: I've never tried it, myself. Right now, I'm creating a Katawa Heart. It's said that by making one of these, you can-...

CHAOS: I'm going to go to bed.

{Chaos proceeds to flop face-first onto the couch.}

GARFIELD: It's only 5:30PM, though? Aren't you going to have dinner?

CHAOS: Nah, I don't need food. I already ate shit.

GARFIELD: That does not sound like a particularly appetizing meal.

{Chaos lets out a pathetic whale-like cry as he puts a pillow ontop of his head. Suddenly Lex bursts into the living room.}

LEX: OH HONEYYYYS, I'M HOOOOME!

{Garfield makes a pistol-hand gesture at Lex.}

GARFIELD: Eyyy, I Love Lucy reference!

{Garfield and Lex high-five.}

CHAOS: UGHHHHHHHH- I LIVE IN A CONSTANT STATE OF FEAR AND MISERY.

{Lex notices the bag of skiing essentials.}

LEX: Eyy, I love skiing!

CHAOS:' UGHHHGHHHHH.

{Unaware of Chaos' presence, Lex does a running-jump onto the couch, causing some part of Chaos' body to crack. Chaos groans. Lex picks up the remote and turns the television on, showing it on the news channel. The reporter, a Middle-Eastern woman in her mid-30s, is reporting on an event in a sunny coastal city.}

REPORTER: I am Sarah Khoroushi of TDTV, and we are currently live in Downtown San Cristobal where former District Attorney, Xavier D'Arque, is rumored to announce his campaign to run for Republic Island's Senate seat in Washington.

{Chaos looks at the television screen.}

CHAOS: Ughhhh, politics. Turn it off.

{Lex is about to pick up the remote, before Garfield rushes in and snatches it.}

GARFIELD: No, don't change it! This is actually really interesting! This town was founded by one of D'Arque's ancestors!

CHAOS: And this means we have to watch this?

GARFIELD: Shh! I think he's coming!

{On the television screen, a gentleman steps onto the stage, prompting masses of screaming and cheering by his adoring fans. He is tall, physically fit, and notably Hollywood-handsome, with a well-chiseled jaw, golden-blonde hair, pearly-white teeth, and a radiating smile. Next to him is a young Asian woman, holding a clipboard.}

GARFIELD: Is that... Stephanie?!

CHAOS: Who?

GARFIELD: One of my college buddies, whom I've contacted recently. {smirks} It appears she's done well for herself.

{Shift back to the television. Stephanie hands the man her clipboard and he shakes her hand, before standing at the podium.}

REPORTER KHOROUSHI: This is it, folks. This is the definitive moment. Xavier D'Arque is about to make his speech.

{The man clears his throat before flashing a beautiful smile to his fans.}

XAVIER: Ho boy, we're really about to do this, huh folks? Lemme say, before I make the big announcement, I just want to thank my beautiful wife and my beautiful children.

{Xavier turns behind and motions his family to come on-stage with him. His wife appears with two young children, one boy and one girl, both around eleven and thirteen years old, respectively. The crowd acknowledges them with an "Awwww."}

XAVIER: My beautiful wife, Melinda D'Arque... we have been married for thirteen years, and every day since then has been an adventure.

{Cut back to the three watching this. Garfield has joined Lex in sitting on Chaos' body.}

CHAOS: You know when you instantly hate a guy for looking too perfect, because it's obvious he's making shit up?

LEX: Shhh.

{Chaos groans. Cut back to the announcement.}

XAVIER: Today is a special day. Not just for me, not just for my family, but for us. We did this. I ask you-, no. I beg you all to join me on my journey, as I officially announce that I shall be running in the election to become Republic Island's newest Senator. With your support, I have no doubt that we can do this. I aim to win this competition, and when I do, I will be your Senator. You will all be my boss, and we shall make a new mark on Washington. With your support, we will win this, and when we do, well... I don't know...

{Xavier turns to his wife, then back into the podium.}

XAVIER: Let's just say that my ambitions don't just stop at the Senate!

{Xavier laughs. Everybody in the crowd laughs along with him.}

XAVIER: Don't get me wrong, there's still some time until then! But yeah, whew, we are going to make this happen, my friends.

{Xavier flashes a peace sign at the cheering audience before giving his wife a kiss on the cheek and escorting them behind stage, with Stephanie following him. Reporter Khoroushi appears back on-camera.}

REPORTER KHOROUSHI: There you have it, folks. Xavier D'Arque has now officially entered the race for Senate, to a cheering crowd of hundreds. Notable for being a member of the prestigious D'Arque family, Xavier D'Arque is a direct descendent of Townindale's very own Donovan D'Arque, who helped establish the town in 1789, and was even responsible for the construction of Townindale's Gauzy Girl Theatre in-

{The television shuts off, as Chaos managed to grab the remote from Garfield.}

CHAOS: What a load of bullshit. I could actually smell the lies from the television screen. Who does this douche think he is? Some bougie "fortunate son" thinking he has the right to come in and run for public office?

LEX: Every citizen has the right to run for public office, Felix. It's in the-

CHAOS: Yeah, yeah, I know, but... still. That wholesome persona is such a facade.

GARFIELD: Regardless, it's a welcome change, from what we got with our current President Kardashian.

{Garfield sneers.}

CHAOS: I can almost guarantee that D'Arque guy has some weird shit going on behind the scenes.

LEX: Y'know he's helped San Cristobal out with its gang problems, right? An' he's an army veteran!

GARFIELD: It doesn't even matter if the guy's a phony. The alternative Senatorial Candidates are all shit, especially by comparison. He's under the Democrat ticket, which is acceptable for me.

CHAOS: Pfft. Whatever. Politics can suck a fat one, anyway. You know what's more important than politics?

LEX: Actually getting a job?

CHAOS: I tried that; got skiing equipment.

GARFIELD: Why did you buy skiing equipment, anyway?

CHAOS: Because I wanted to, okay? Because I decided to go into a skiing store in the middle of the summer and buy ski essentials. Because it was a store which totally existed and wasn't run by a ghost. You know what? I don't care. I just don't care.

{Cut to an office far away. Stephanie and D'Arque, previously seen elsewhere, are the only people present within.}

XAVIER: Anything else?

STEPHANIE: Jacqueline Rosenberg got back to us.

XAVIER: Go on...

STEPHANIE: She wants to know how the hell you got the number to the telemarketing department, her words.

XAVIER: Yes, and how did you explain it to her?

STEPHANIE: Pressed buttons until someone answered, of course. W've got the room - Endorsement "To Be Determined At A Later Price".

XAVIER: Excellent!

{Xavier begins laughing maniacally as the camera zooms on his face and the lighting dims, smash cut to the same shot as before as he stops laughing. Timeskip. Cut to Leigh's apartment at 6:00AM at the next morning. His alarm clock begins to buzz. Leigh wakes up, looking even groggier than before. He looks at the alarm, and peels the bedsheets off. He sits at the edge of the bed and looks at his phone. Cut to a shot of his phone, showing several new texts from Jules and Gordon. One of them reads "Ach, that was fuckin mental! Leigh, ya mad lad!", accompanied by a selfie of the three, looking obviously drunk and grinning widely.}

LEIGH: Second day on the job and I made a second friend. I am okay with this.

{Leigh winces as he grabs his forehead in pain.}

LEIGH: And I went drinking the second night in a row. I really need to stop doing that.

{Cut to black. End of the episode.}