Wikihood/eps/3

Summary

Surprise, bitch! I bet you thought you'd seen the last of me!

Transcript

{Open on a cellphone ringing "Living on my Own" by Freddie Mercury. Leigh wakes up with a quick yelp and answers the phone. He has a full head of glorious silver hair.}

LEIGH: You've reached the house of the... Screw it I can't be arsed. Hello?

NED: {Through phone} 'Lay? I just heard you were in that plane that was hijacked the other day...

LEIGH: You definitely heard right. I was in a plane hijacking, but that was evidently not enough to reschedule the interview.

{Cut to Ned, setting up A DDRMAX Dance Dance Revolution 6thMix machine in his high rise apartment.}

NED: Wait, that means... ah, shit. You alright, bro?

{Cut to Leigh, in his room, sitting in his bed. The camera closes up, on his face.}

LEIGH: Uh, yeah... um... No. I'm not; I'm stuck in Townindale, in the back of a wig maker's shop. Job hunt's not going well.

NED: Dang, that's rough, bro. At least you've got Maddie. right?

{Camera slowly zooms out showing he is alone in bed, which is just an old mattress in a nearly empty room.}

LEIGH: Yeah, about that. You know how supportive she's been with me and my constant job issues? Well she uh... She finally got sick of it and left me. I don't blame her, honestly.

NED: {sighs} Look, I'll help you out a bit. I'm sending you some money; use it to get yourself a nice suit, and the rest should pay rent for a couple of months.

LEIGH: Ned, I don't deserve it. You can't keep bailing me out.

{Cut back to Ned as he turns on the Dance Dance Revolution machine}

NED: Maybe you don't, but I'm doing it anyway. I know you can do it, bro. Go out there and make me proud!

{Ned presses the start button. This causes the machine to yell "DDRMAX!"}

LEIGH: Alright... Thanks, brother.

{Fade to black. The song "Loser" by Beck begins. The word WIKIHOOD appears on screen with the second loop of the riff, shortly followed by the sound of an electric shaver. Cut to the front of the wigmaker shop as the beat starts. Leigh walks out the door, bald once more and carrying a document held together with a paperclip - his resume. A guy with a boombox walks by and Loser begins to fade out. Leigh looks at the Boombox guy funny, and walks off to a tailor. Cut to him entering the tailor's shop; he is greeted by an older Drow gentleman with a goatee, who is wearing a snazzy vest and sunglasses.}

TAILOR: Oh my, a fellow urban-dwelling Drow! It's not often I run into another one in this town... How may I be of service?

LEIGH: Drow? Oh no, haha! You have me mistaken. I am a Human.

TAILOR: ...with pointy ears?

LEIGH: Yes.

TAILOR: And dark, violet skin? And white eyebrows?

LEIGH: ...I have a condition.

{The tailor appears perplexed by Leigh's words, for a couple of seconds. His expression then turns into one of disappointment.}

TAILOR: Aw... Anyway, how can I be of service?

LEIGH: I'm new to this town, and I'm looking for a job. I need a snazzy suit to make me look hire-able.

{The tailor furrows his brow, then smiles.}

TAILOR: I know exactly what to put you in!

{Cut to Leigh leaving the Tailor's in a stylish light-pink suit with a light-blue shirt and tie. His phone begins to ring, and he picks it up. Ned is on the other end. Muffled Eurobeat music can be heard in the background, while Ned sounds out of breath.}

NED: You remember how I said I would help you, bro?

LEIGH: That was, like, an hour ago.

NED: Yes! Well, guess what? I have landed you a job interview with none other than Jacqueline Rosenberg of the Rosenberg Association, one of the most illustrious companies in the city!

LEIGH: Whoa, no way! How did you pull something like that?

NED: I have connections, my dear brother. Plus, she owed me a favor from this one time I gave her a quarter for the vending machine during a conference. Can you believe that billionaires don't carry around change? Outrageous, isn't it?!

LEIGH: Wow. I don't know what to say.

NED: You don't need to say anything. You just need to haul ass, because your interview is in twenty minutes. She agreed to do this on her coffee break, hence the rush.

LEIGH: Oh shinola, that's hardly enough time! I don't even know where it is!

NED: Sure you do. Look at the horizon. You see that tall and vaguely evil-looking building? The one that looks like an image from a sci-fi dystopia?

{Leigh looks behind him, in the distance to see the building is far away. It sticks out in its obviousness, as shown by the dark cloud that looms over it on an otherwise clear and sunny day.}

LEIGH: Yeah.

NED: Good. That one. Top floor. Now hurry!

{Ned hangs up. Leigh looks around to find a quick method of transport, and he notices a familiar kid wearing roller skates. He rushes to the kid and pulls a deck of cards from his front pocket.}

LEIGH: Quick! I'll trade you my collection of Golden Girls cards for your roller skates! I need them urgently!

KID: No way! I already own all the best cards!

{Leigh shifts through the deck and pulls out a single card that he shows to the kid.}

LEIGH: I bet you don't have a holographic Dorothy Zbornak attack card, 1994 limited edition, signed by Bea Arthur herself.

{The kid looks at the card in amazement.}

KID: Hoooo-lyyyyy shiiiiiiii-

{Cut to Leigh speeding through the highway on the pair of roller skates, shifting in between cars as he rushes to the evil building. He grumbles to himself.}

LEIGH: I gave away my best card for this job. It better be worth it!

{Leigh turns the corner and run into Lex and Chaos, crashing into Chaos and tripping over himself. He falls on the ground and drops his Resume. Chaos is taken aback by this, and berates Leigh, while Lex proceeds to help him up off the ground.}

LEX: Are ya' alright?

CHAOS: Never mind him, what about me? Watch where you're goin', dumbass!

{Back to his feet, Leigh looks at Chaos and winces.}

LEIGH: Oh my Gods, I am so, so sorry, I didn't mean to run into you like that, oh gods, oh jeez, I- I- I'm in a rush, okay? I have a job interview in five minutes and-

{A gust of wind causes the papers to fly off-screen.}

LEIGH: No, my resume! Darn it! First the plane is hijacked, and then this! Argh! I just hope my brother is having a better time...

{Leigh stares forward, wide eyed, for about a second}

LEIGH: He's probably dealing with a difficult case or something.

{The Drow skates off after the papers, leaving Lex and Chaos dumbfounded.}

CHAOS: Pfft, what a weirdo.

{Cut to an establishing shot of the Rosenberg building}

JACQUELINE: Well, Mr. More, I must admit your resume is not impressive.

{Cut to the meeting room where Jacqueline is interviewing Leigh, whose suit has gotten dirtied from more falls. Jacqueline flips through his resume, which has become moderately crumpled}

JACQUELINE: Aside from where you claim to have worked for Santa Claus, it looks like you've never held a job for more than a week.

LEIGH: Wait, the Santa Claus thing is still in there? Oh man, I thought I took that one out.

JACQUELINE: It's preposterous! Honestly, you expect anyone to believe-

LEIGH: Oh no, I did work for Santa Claus. Pretended to be an elf for a good two years. Poor guy didn't have the heart to fire me.

{Jacqueline puts his resume down and appears to have completely checked out, already deciding that Leigh is not getting the job.}

LEIGH: So, this is going to be awkward, but... Ned didn't tell me what job I'm interviewing for.

JACQUELINE: {stifling laughter} Lawyers, am I right?

LEIGH: He's my brother.

{Jacqueline looks Leigh up and down. She decides to forget about it and move on.}

JACQUELINE: Of course, why wouldn't he be...? Very well; next question. What would you say your greatest weakness is?

LEIGH: Probably that I keep getting fired from jobs.

{Jacqueline closes her eyes, raises her head toward the ceiling and gives a loud sigh. She gets up and leaves the room, leaving Leigh, whose smile does not drop. Cut to her getting a drink of water when Jules appears from nowhere}

JULES: Yo, Aunty!

{Jacqueline yelps and throws her cup of water up in the air in surprise, and turns to see her nephew, who is now covered in water.}

JACQUELINE: Jules... How many times have I told you never to sneak up on me like that?

JULES: Yeah, sorry 'bout that, Aunty. Hey that Elf-

JACQUELINE: He insists he's a Human. I'm not sure why.

JULES: That Human who came in to interview, his name ain't Leigh, is it?

JACQUELINE: Do you happen to know him from somewhere?

JULES: Motherfucker saved my life in the hijacking. He'd take a bullet for a complete stranger.

JACQUELINE: How long ago was that?

JULES: Yesterday.

{Jacqueline pauses to think.}

JACQUELINE: He did not look to be recently shot...

JULES: Yeah, no yeah. But he was gonna. Pushed me out of the way. Lucky he didn't get hit.

JACQUELINE: And you're telling me this, why?

JULES: You gotta hire him, aunty. I owe him a favor after that shit.

JACQUELINE: I don't know if that's the wisest choice, for you see... he has no qualifications.

JULES: Yeah, but I'd be dead without him!

{Jacqueline sighs.}

JACQUELINE: I think I can arrange something. No promises.

{Cut back to the meeting room, Leigh's smile unending. Jacqueline comes back in the room with a bottle of wine and a few sheets of paper.}

JACQUELINE: You've got the job, More.

{Leigh's smile fades and he starts the stand up.}

LEIGH: I understand, I'll leave my- WOAH!

{Leigh falls to the floor as he is still wearing rollerskates.}

JACQUELINE: Just as a head's up, rollerskates are not appropriate attire for a professional interview.

{He lifts his head up.}

LEIGH: Wait a minute, did you say I got the job?

JACQUELINE: I was recently informed that you saved my idiot nephew's life, and I can see that you're frazzled, likely as a result. So, yes. You got the job.

{Leigh jumps up to his feet with perfect balance and rushes to shake Jacqueline's hand..}

LEIGH: Thank you so much, you absolutely will not regret this Ms. Rosenberg!

{Jacqueline shakes Leigh's hand more firmly, in response.}

JACQUELINE: I highly doubt that.

LEIGH: By the way, just what exactly is my job?

JACQUELINE: Telemarketer. To let you know, you start tomorrow at 7:00 AM. Now, if you'd just fill out these forms...

{Jacqueline slaps the papers on the table, and sits down.}

JACQUELINE: Come back with them tomorrow.

LEIGH: Once again, I thank you for the position! You won't regret this, I swear it!

{Leigh runs out the door, papers in tow. After he leaves, Jacqueline takes out a bottle of wine and begins chugging from it. Cut to Leigh racing down the street in celebration.}

LEIGH: I have a job!

{He slows down, as a realization hits him.}

LEIGH: But I'm out a Dorothy card. Darn...

JULES: {offscreen} Eyyy, SLAY-MORE!

{Jules runs into the scene, slightly out of breath.}

JULES: What is up, my "Drotha?"

LEIGH: Hey, it's you! The guy from the plane. I didn't expect to see you h-... wait, did you just call me "Drotha?"

JULES: Oh shit fam, was that offensive or summit? My bad, I didn't mean to offend or anythin', I was just callin' you that as in, my Drow brother, y'know? Y'catch me?

LEIGH: No, not at all. I just had no idea what it meant. Besides, you have me mistaken, I'm not a Drow, I am definitely a Human.

{Jules squints his eyes at Leigh.}

JULES: Pops did tell me I needed to wear my glasses... Shit, man, my bad! I just wanted to thank you again for savin' my life and all that shit!

LEIGH: Haha, yeah, no problem. I mean, you're giving me way too much cred-

{Leigh takes a few seconds to process what had happened.}

LEIGH: Wait, is Ms. Rosenberg your aunt?

JULES: You betcha, fam!

LEIGH: Oh wow. So I guess I should thank you for getting me the job!

JULES: Hey, don't mention it. What you did back there? It was bad-fuckin'-ass! Nobody could have done what you did back there!

{Rewind to a familiar plane scene. Andrew Davies is pointing his gun at the passengers.}

ANDREW DAVIES: As I speak, this plane is being rerouted to Swansea, where each and every one of you will be held hostage until our demands are met!

{Pan over to Leigh, who is freaking out at the sight of terrorists on the plane.}

LEIGH: Oh jeez, oh God, oh jeez, oh God! I-I-I-need to get offa this plane!!

{Leigh tries to get up from his seat. His girlfriend grabs his shoulder.}

MADELYN: Leigh, what the hell are you doing?! He has a gun!

LEIGH: I-I-I just need some fresh air, I just need some freshhhh...

{Leigh begins to hyperventilate. Suddenly, a commotion is heard as somebody begins to engage Mr. Davies.}

JULES: Hey, do you know who the fuck I am?

ANDREW DAVIES: Sit down, uffar gwirion, or I will fire.

JULES: You think you and your lil' buddies can just waltz on up and hijack my plane, huh?

{Cut to Frank Rosenberg, who is now sleeping while wearing headphones.}

{Cut back. Mr. Davies points the gun at Jules.}

ANDREW DAVIES: I will not ask a second time. Sit down, or-

{Cut back to Leigh, who stands up suddenly, giving everybody around him a shock.}

LEIGH: I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE!!

ANDREW DAVIES: HEY, YOU! YOU SIT DOWN TOO, OR I'LL-

LEIGH: Excuse me, sir; I just need a little bit of air!

MADELYN: Leigh, wait! You're going to get yourself killed!

{Leigh moves through the passenger seats and rushes towards Mr. Davies, pushing Jules out of the way in doing so. At the same time, Mr. Davies fires the gun at him, revealing that the bullet was a blank.}

BRUCE: Oi, that's a blank!

ANDREW DAVIES: Of course it is! I wasn't going to fire an actual gun on an airplane! I just expected you all to comply!

LEIGH: GET OUT OF MY WAY!!

{Leigh tries to rush past Mr. Davies, but in the process of doing so, trips on his own shoelaces, propelling him forward, where his fist hits Mr. Davies in the face, knocking him out in one hit. He rushes to the front of the plane, in pursuit of the washroom. He finds himself in the cockpit instead. He is greeted by the two other hijackers, who have tied the pilots up.}

HIJACKER: Hey, you ain't supposed to be in here!

LEIGH: SORRY, I-I-I WAS LOOKING FOR THE WASHROOM.

HIJACKER: Washroom, my ass! Come on, Colin!

{The two hijackers attempt to engage Leigh, who panics and closes his eyes. The screen turns black for a second as punching sounds are heard. After the screen is back, the two hijackers are out stone-cold on the ground. He rushes out of the cockpit and finally into the washroom, where he looks at himself in the mirror, before proceeding to throw up in the toilet. After regaining his composure, he opens the door to the stall, with the passengers all looking at him. Both Jules and Madelyn are at the front. Jules looks amazed, while Madelyn looks worried sick.}

MADELYN: What the hell did you just do?!

JULES: That. Was. Fucking. Sick.

{Cut to Frank Rosenberg, who suddenly wakes up from his nap.}

FRANK: Wait-wait-what?!

{Cut back to the present.}

JULES: How you rushed in there and took those guys out, man, you are sick, man! Damn!

LEIGH: I uh, was just doing what anyone else would in that situation... Completely panic.

{Jules laughs}

JULES: Shit man, if that was panic... you gotta panic more often. Hey uh, what kinda job you get with us anyway? You my aunty's new bodyguard or some shit?

LEIGH: Telemarketing. Not glamorous, but better than no job, for sure.

JULES: Fuck, that's boring. I'm gonna talk to someone, see if I can get ya something more exciting.

LEIGH: Please don't.

JULES: Nah, I gotta do it. A badass like you NEEDS a badass job. Maybe you could roll with me.

LEIGH: I'd really rather prove I can hold a job before anything else is lined up at my doorstep.

JULES: Aight, man. Aight. We'll give you time, and then I'm finna get you somethin' better.

{Jules slaps Leighs back, a little harder than he intended.}

JULES: Meantime, we gotta celebrate.

LEIGH: We do?

JULES: New job, motherfucker. I'm takin' you to the best bar in town!

LEIGH: You're the reason I have the job in the first place. And besides that, I've only got money for rent. And it's like noon.

JULES: You think any of that shit matters? I'm rich, bitch! My treat. Well, the time thing matters. I'll come get ya around 6:00. Where you live?

{Leigh starts accepting that this is just a thing that's happening now, and calms down a bit.}

LEIGH: You know that wig shop on Third?

JULES: The one that just announced they were using Elf hair?

{Leigh drops his face entirely.}

LEIGH: {Under his breath} That motherfucker... {Normal volume} Yeah, that's the one. I live in the back of it!

JULES: Cool, see ya at 6:00!

{Jules and Leigh split ways, for a moment. After a bit of walking on his part, Leigh bumps into someone wearing a black coat, with their face obscured by the hood.}

LEIGH: Oops! I didn't see you there, I'm so sorry!

{Leigh takes a gander at who they are. They definitely don't look to be from around the part of Townindale that's familiar to the Drow.}

????????: I take it there must be a custom for those in this part of Towningdale to dress up in Drow-like apparati...

{The hooded man looks lost in thought, much to Leigh's confusion.}

LEIGH: What? No man, there’s this Drow tailor down the street who... Wait, you mean Townindale, right?

{The hooded man looks taken aback by Leigh's correction.}

????????: Look, I've had a long day...

{This hooded man then proceeds to have an entire monologue in Deep Speech, which unnerves and confuses Leigh. There are no subtitles, to identify what exactly this guy said at this precise moment, and the scenery fast-forwards to the end of said monologue, with a caption underneath both parties reading "Twenty-five Minutes Later..."}

LEIGH: You did not need to tell me all of that. At all.

{Leigh sighs, in exasperation.}

LEIGH: Look, I've got to get ready for an outing later this evening, and have a stern conversation with my landlord, apparently. If you don’t mind, I should get moving.

{Leigh walks towards the wig shoppe, which is not far off from where he was. The hooded man walks offscreen, in search of a trolley. As soon as Leigh enters the wig shoppe, the scene fast-forwards to him exiting it, with a look of horror upon his face.}

LEIGH: I bet that will be a conversation I look forward to remembering in the back of my mind... yeesh.

{Leigh walks along the sidewalk. He takes out his cellphone, from his pocket, and goes over his contacts list, which is sparse: Maddie, Ned, Santa Claus.}

LEIGH: Odd that I still have Santa's name on my list... {sighs} I should really get to know more people.

{Leigh presses the button, pulling up Maddie's information. He uses a shortcut to input Maddie's number, and attempts to call it.}

MACHINE: You've reached Maddie Raid, please leave your name and number and I'll get back to you.

{Leigh ends up unable to reach Maddie, deciding to hang up and not leave a voicemail.}

LEIGH: Well, that was an idea I hope didn't incite any ill will between us.

{Leigh considers going through Ned's contact information, his button hovering over Ned's number.}

LEIGH: I already called him a bunch of times, and I know how busy he gets with work...

{Leigh ruminates, while eventually going back to his contact list without having called Ned.}

LEIGH: I'd rather not jinx myself. Every other time I've called him, I've done it prematurely. I'd rather wait until it's been longer than a week.

{Leigh doesn't bother going over Santa's contact information, instead putting his phone back in his pocket.}

{Cut to a black screen with the words "Later that evening..."}

LEIGH: You sure this is the best bar in town?

{Fade in to reveal Leigh and Jules in front of a bar called "The Angry Bull," in the midst of Downtownindale.}

JULES: Hell yeah, it is!

{Leigh and Jules open the front doors, entering the bar.}

JULES: Sometimes you want to go to a bar where everyone knows your name, know what I'm saying?

{Leigh and Jules enter the bar, the inside is a very well maintained tavern with a respectable amount of patrons with a few spaces open at the bar. Jules goes out of his way to make his entrance dynamic, but finds that nobody immediately takes notice.}

LEIGH: {giggles} So much for "everyone knows your name..."

{Both Leigh and Jules see what occupies the minds of the patrons in the bar - a hooded man, familiar to at least Leigh, dancing and singing through the karaoke machine.}

JULES: Oy, get a load of this motherfuckin' mad lad! He's gone and taken the spotlight from me!

{Cut to the hooded man's dancing and singing, for a few seconds. It appears to be done rather skillfully. Then, cut back to Leigh and Jules.}

LEIGH: Um, Jules-

{As soon as Jules' name is said, everyone inside the Angry Bull temporarily diverts their attention to him and Leigh. A tall Minotaur greets them.}

BRUNO: Oh, hey, Jules! Good to see you made it!

JULES: First of all, what's going on here? Second of all, who's this assclown?

BRUNO: Cut him some slack, he's just some nerd! He came in, and wanted to play with the karaoke machine. We told him if he got the high score for a particular song he seemed especially interested in, that he'd permanently get drinks for free here.

{A Gnome Bartender - Gus - waves at Jules and Leigh. All the while, everyone else redirects their attention back to the hooded nerd.}

GUS: It's true!

{Jules and Leigh go over to Gus, and take their respective seats at the bar. The karaoke distraction doesn't last much longer; the screen can be seen from here, to show that the hooded dancer did not achieve his goals. Said hooded dancer looks crestfallen, despite the fact he came extremely close to beating the high score. Bruno can be seen escorting him out.}

LEIGH: Wait a minute - that's the same guy who ranted at me in Deep Speech!

JULES: Deep Speech? Isn't that what Drow speak?

LEIGH: He's probably just some guy who shares my same appreciation for Drow.

{Jules shrugs.}

JULES: I don't think it matters all that much, in the grand scheme of things. People come, people go. I'm not even sure I want to- hang on, hang on.

{Jules gets out a megaphone.}

JULES: ATTENTION EVERYONE! WHO'S UP FOR FREE DRINKS FROM JULES TONIGHT?! LIMITED TIME OFFER!

{The crowd circles around Jules and Leigh, much to the latter's horror.}

GUS: Hey, you're another new guy, right?

{Gus pokes at Leigh.}

GUS: What'll it be?

{Jules puts his megaphone away.}

LEIGH: Uhm... maybe a hard lemonade?

{As the crowd heads to the front of the bar, other Gnome bartenders begin coming out of the woodwork. Multiple drinks are being served to different people, in such a way that Leigh can't keep track of everyone else around him and Jules. Gus gives Leigh a shot glass, and pours from a bottle of hard lemonade.}

GUS: Here ya go!

{Leigh gets out his wallet, as if to pay for the drink. A butterfly falls out of it.}

LEIGH: Awkward.

GUS: I assume this is going on Jules' tab, then?

JULES: Hell, yeah! Bottom's up, Leigh!

{Leigh sips his hard lemonade nervously, as Gus moves on to help other patrons.}

{He starts to realize that today has been a good day all things considered and begins to smile as "Thank You For Being A Friend" by Andrew Gold starts playing in the background. Leigh takes notice and looks to find a Golden Girls pinball machine in a corner. He gets up and starts singing along to the point where the chiptune is as he walks up to it. All other sounds fade.}

LEIGH: {singing} And if you threw a party
Invited everyone you knew
You would see the biggest gift would be from me
And the card attatched would say "Thank you for being a friend"

{He puts a couple of quarters into the machine, starts the game, and launches the ball. The ball falls straight into the left drain.}

MACHINE: {Sophia's voice} Don't move.

{The ball launches again and falls down the center drain immediately instead. The Game Over sound plays.}

LEIGH: Oh for the love of- It was only one ball!

{Leigh checks his pockets.}

JULES: Ran out of quarters?

LEIGH: I think so. Frickin' rip off, anyway.

JULES: I just noticed you like Golden Girls. Fave show?

LEIGH: Yeah. It's been a childhood staple of mine.

{Leigh looks at Jules, whose outfit is more disheveled. The Drow is suddenly taken aback.}

LEIGH: Wh-

JULES: Relax, relax. This happens allllllll of the time!

{Jules stumbles closer to Leigh.}

LEIGH: I think I had an important call to make-

{Leigh darts over to the mens' restroom.}

JULES: {offscreen} What's the matter?

LEIGH: ...I have...

{Jules enters the restroom.}

JULES: Severe anxiety issues nobody else picks up on? I should've noticed sooner; a lot sooner!

{Leigh blinks. Words escape him.}

JULES: Y'know, now that I think about it, you and Aunty have an awful lot in common.

{Leigh looks unnerved, and slightly .}

JULES: I don't mean it in a bad way. It's just somethin' I personally noticed. You're both badass people who have trouble with regular everyday things, but still get by based entirely on how badass you are. It's actually inspiring. You inspire me, Leigh. I think I love you.

{Leigh nods slowly.}

JULES: Question now is, are we still cool?

LEIGH: I... I think so!

JULES: Alright. I'm gonna letcha have some {hic} time to yourself. It only serves right that I do that. Once you're ready... we can go back to your place.

{Jules exits offscreen. For a few seconds, Leigh takes some deep breaths. The shot shows him opening the door to go back to the main part of the bar, but fades to black thereafter. End episode.}