(even if you aren't vegan)
Wikihood/eps/2
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Transcript
{Open to Lex's bedroom. Lex is sleeping in his bed, which is shaped like a race car. Above his bed is the Jamaican flag, and on the wall is a signed poster of Usain Bolt. The sun can be seen through the blinds of the window, and birds can be heard chirping outside. His alarm clock hits 7:00AM, causing it to go off to the tune of Mr. Blue Sky, by ELO. A montage follows to the music.
ALARM: Good Morning! Today's forecast calls for blue skies!
{As the music begins, Lex opens his eyes with a wide smile on his face, stretching his arms and throwing the covers off his body.}
ALARM: Sun is shinin' in the sky,
There ain't a cloud in sight
It's stopped rainin'
Everybody's in a play
And don't you know
It's a beautiful new day, hey!
{Lex hops out of bed in his pyjamas and immediately pulls open the curtains, revealing a sunny and idyllic scene outside. He opens the window, pops head out, and waves to passers by, who smile and wave back.}
ALARM: Runnin' down the avenue
See how the sun shines brightly
In the city on the streets
Where once was pity
Mister Blue Sky is living here today
{Lex does a merry little jig while walking over to his wardrobe. He looks at various outfits and strokes his chin before smiling and grabbing one that's hanging up. In a fashion not unlike that of Wonder Woman, or the Sims, he spins around and is now wearing it.}
ALARM: Mister Blue Sky, please tell us why
You had to hide away for so long (So long)
Where did we go wrong?
{Lex is now in the bathroom, brushing his teeth in front of the mirror. A cockroach crawls on the mirror's surface. Lex looks perplexed, before smiling and waving at the cockroach. The cockroach waves back before scuttling away. As the song's instrumental is playing, Lex is now doing his happy little jig in the living room. The song abruptly stops as a pillow is launched at Lex, hitting him in the face. Chaos tries to get up from the couch he has been sleeping on, but ends up rolling off and hitting the ground. He groans and stands up, shuffling over to Lex and grabbing him by the shoulders.}
CHAOS: HOLY FUCK LEX IT'S 7:00 IN THE FUCKING MORNING, IT'S TOO EARLY FOR THIS SHIT.
LEX: What are you talkin' about, mon? It's Saturday morning!
CHAOS: Yeah, Saturday morning starts at like... 2PM in the afternoon! Who gets up at 7:00 in the morning when they have a choice? It's practically still fuckin' night time!
LEX: Did... did you even sleep last night?
CHAOS: I... think so?
{Flashback to 4:30AM in the morning. Chaos is sitting on the couch with a glass of Naminade, watching the television. Sounds of clashing swords, gore, and hardcore sex can be heard offscreen as Chaos watches.}
CHAOS: I can't believe it. They've finally managed to reconcile my love for pornography and violence. This is awesome.
TELEVISION: Trial of Chairs will be back after the messages!
{Chaos yawns.}
CHAOS: Just... one... more... episode...
{Back to the present.}
CHAOS: Nevermind that, it's still too early! I bet Garfield isn't awake yet!
{Garfield can be heard in the kitchen.}
GARFIELD: I've been up since 5.
CHAOS: Oh. Well... you guys are weird. What were you even doing anyway, Lex?
LEX: I'm gettin' ready for my morning run, mon!
CHAOS: I'm sorry, but a morning run? Not only are you subjecting yourself to waking up this early, but you're going to exercise? The hell is wrong with you?
LEX: Hey, I gotta keep my cardiovascular health goin', y'know?
CHAOS: I... don't even... just... no.
GARFIELD: You're not going out for a run without eating breakfast again, are you?
LEX: Oh, right. I should probably eat, ya?
CHAOS: Oh man, now that is something that I can agree with. Food.
{Chaos walks over to the kitchen.}
CHAOS: Watcha got cooking, anyway?
GARFIELD: Just my Garfield special. Bacon, eggs, grits, sausage, toast, and jam.
CHAOS: How's that any different than the regular American breakfast?
GARFIELD: It's not really, I just like to call it my Garfield special because I like to arrange the food. Sometimes I make a happy face with the eggs and bacon. Other times, I like to recreate famous movie scenes.
CHAOS: Oh.
{Lex takes a seat at the dining table. Garfield brings a plate of food and lays it in front of Lex. He takes two more plates of food and puts them down as both he and Chaos seat themselves. Forward to them talking while eating.}
CHAOS: What kind of things did I miss while I was in prison? I have been so out of the loop for the past three years, it's unreal.
LEX: Quite a lot, actually. We elected a new president earlier this year, in fact.
{A look of disgust appears on Garfield's face.}
GARFIELD: Unfortunately. And look how awful it's turned out already. Who knew that electing an incorrigible reality television star with absolutely no experience or charm whatsoever would turn out to be a horrendous idea? The fact that people would willingly hand over their democracy to someone with no substance, style, or any real mandate to run a country whatsoever still absolutely shocks and horrifies me to this very moment.
LEX: I think you're being a bit harsh, ya? I think President Kardashian could do a really good job if given the chance.
CHAOS: I don't care about politics, that stuff is lame and boring. I'm asking about the important stuff. Is Betty White still alive?
GARFIELD: I think so?
{Chaos sighs in relief.}
CHAOS: That is literally all I needed to know. Thank you.
GARFIELD: Things have gotten rather bad in the Pacific, however. The Democratic Elven Republic of North Syllahona has ramped up their threats against the human domain. I mean, they do this every year, but they have nuclear-...
CHAOS: Didn't I just say that I don't care about politics?
GARFIELD: My apologies.
{Lex has finished his breakfast.}
LEX: That was some good yums! Mmm mm! Really gets the blood flowin', ya?
{Lex stands up from the table and does a few stretches.}
CHAOS: Lex, wait!
LEX: Aye?
CHAOS: This is my first time in Townindale, and I figure that if I have to live here, I should get to see what's around, you know? Maybe I should come with you.
LEX: Ey mon, that's a great idea! I can show you all around the city, introduce you t'some of my friends, y'know?
CHAOS: Yeah! And heck, even Garfield can come!
GARFIELD: Gonna take a pass on that, I'm afraid.
CHAOS: Why?
GARFIELD: Outside... sun... people... I can usually tolerate one, or even two of the three factors, but not all of them. I'd rather it be dark, or raining.
LEX: Garfield's not a huge fan of going out in the sun.
GARFIELD: Ultraviolet rays can give you cancer.
CHAOS: Oh please, everything gives you cancer nowadays. What's next? Smoking?
LEX: Hasn't that been proven for a while?
CHAOS: Yeah, if you're the liberal media. Pfft.
GARFIELD: But yeah, I will prefer to stay inside. Thank you for offering, though. Maybe in the future, though.
LEX: This gonna be awesome, mon! Are you ready to move your legs?
CHAOS: Uh, is running necessary?
LEX: Of course! How else are you gonna appreciate the city, if it ain't with the sun beamin' on ya, and the wind blowing through your air as you run!
CHAOS: Ugh, alright.
{Lex and Chaos make their way to the door, but suddenly the room begins to shake.}
CHAOS: What.. what is that?
{A large and booming slavic-sounding voice can be heard bellowing from the corridor outside.}
????: PIIIIIIERRRROGIES!!!
{The door slams open, revealing a man, both incredibly tall and large in stature. He is incredibly muscular, with a perfectly shaved head and an exquisitely maintained moustache. He is wearing black pants and a white shirt with suspenders. In his hand is a plate of fresh pierogies.}
LEX: Hey, Volkov!
VOLKOV: Privyet, Sasha! I heard zat new roommate is here, yes?
{Volkov peers down at Chaos, who is slightly intimidated by the sight of the large man.}
CHAOS: Uh, hello.
{Chaos holds out his hand. Volkov smiles and grasps it incredibly firmly, causing it to make a cracking sound as Chaos grimaces past the pain.}
VOLKOV: Felix, I presume? Sasha told many tales about you. Jailbird, eh?
CHAOS: Yeeeeah, heh.
{Volkov laughs while continuing to shake Chaos' hand, unaware of the pain he's causing him.}
VOLKOV: In my country, being jailbird was easy. You just had to make fun of guy in charge, and suddenly you're in cage. We have it easy in US of A. You make fun of guy in charge, and people laugh!
{Volkov lets go of Chaos' hand. Chaos pulls back and shakes the pain away.}
VOLKOV: I just want to say, I don't care about past. We all have pasts. It's all about present and future.
{Volkov smiles and bows.}
VOLKOV: I am Konstantin Volkov, owner of deli, and your landlord. I just wanted to say hello, and bring you welcoming gift.
CHAOS: Heh, thanks. Nice to meet you, Konstantin.
VOLKOV: Please. Call me Volkov. This is friendly building, we are all friends here. I just want you to know that you are welcome, and you are friend.
CHAOS: I, um, really appreciate it man.
VOLKOV: And it goes without saying that you are especially welcome downstairs, if you like pierogi. Of course do. You eat those pierogies, you'll be begging for more, haha!
CHAOS: Thank you, uh, um, Volkov.
VOLKOV: Anytime, Felix! Welcome to Townindale! Also, if you have any problem, please let Volkov know!
{Volkov waves as he makes his way out of the room.}
VOLKOV: Goodbye friends!
{The three wave back.}
GARFIELD: Thanks for the pierogi, Konstantin!
{The door closes.}
CHAOS: Huh. He's a friendly guy.
LEX: Oh ya, he's a card, he is. Great guy. Looks like he could tear a brick in half. Well, we should get going. I can't wait to show you the city!
CHAOS: Running. Yay. Is it too late to change my mind?
LEX: Hell ya it is. See ya, Garf!
{Lex drags Chaos out of the apartment from his wrist as Garfield waves. The door closes behind them. Cut to the exterior of Katuysha's.}
LEX: Oh wait, I have to get my wallet. Hold up for a sec.
{Chaos and Lex walk around Katyusha's to the parking space behind it. Lex moves to the back of his ice cream truck and opens the rear doors. Inside the truck is a red BMX, in pristine condition. Lex crawls into the truck and searches around for a couple of seconds, before pulling out his wallet.}
LEX: Ah, found it!
CHAOS: That's a sweet bike you have there.
LEX: I know right, mon? It's incredible!
CHAOS: When did you get it?
LEX: Not too long after you got arrested, ya? A kid agreed to trade it for all the paper I was holdin'. Dunno what he wanted all that paper for, hah.
{Flashback to three years ago. Lex is walking down the road holding a massive sack of cash, as he notices a young teenage boy waxing his BMX.}
LEX: Nice bike, kid!
KID: Thanks! Say, what's that you got?
{The kid points to Lex's bag of cash.}
LEX: Oh, this?
{Lex puts the bag down and looks into it. He frowns.}
LEX: It's a darn disappointment. I was expectin' it to be money.
KID: Ah, jeez. That's a shame. Lemme see.
{The kid walks over and takes a look inside. His eyes widen at the sight of what's there.}
KID: Um, this is money.
LEX: No it's not, it's paper.
{The kid pulls out a wad of several $100 bills.}
KID: Just paper?
LEX: Yeah, mon. If it were money, it would be stuff like gold, and jewels, y'know?
KID: Are you for real?
LEX: Ya, mon. Think of it this way. What exactly would be the point of assigning a monetary value to an item which costs probably less than a penny to make? There is absolutely no intrinsic value to this whatsoever. Real money is gold and jewels, items which do have intrinsic value, based simply on the fact that there is a finite supply in the world.
{Lex picks up a wad of cash from the bag.}
LEX: What do ya do if you run out of paper? Ya cut down another tree. Ya create more, y'know? Ya can't do that for gold. Why else would the Spanish place so much of their energy and resources into colonizing the New World, if not for the limited supplies of available gold in the Old World? Why are stories of folklore such as the Lost City of El Dorado so prominent in our culture, if not for the fact that gold and jewels are a scarcity? Have ya ever heard of a lost city made out of paper, mon?
KID: N-no...
LEX: Exactly. Because it would be silly. So the idea of assigning a value to paper is equally silly. Of course, ya could apply a value to the paper by claiming that it is backed by gold, but even that would be superficial at best. It's stupid. It's paper, and it's pointless, y'know?
KID: Uh...
{The kid looks back at his BMX, and back at the bag of cash.}
KID: That bag looks, uh, rather heavy...
LEX: Like ya wouldn't believe, kiddo.
{The kid looks back at his BMX, and then grins at Lex.}
KID: Would you like to trade?
{Cut back to the present.}
CHAOS: Paper... paper... hmm.
{Chaos looks down with a concerned look upon his face. He looks back at Lex.}
CHAOS: ...So it was basically free?
LEX: Ya, mon!
CHAOS: ...Wow. Lucky you. Hah. I feel sorry for the poor sucker you got it from.
LEX: He seemed pretty happy about it. He said that his dad could finally get treatment, or whatever.
CHAOS: With paper?
LEX: Ya.
CHAOS: Wow. Odd, but... okay.
{Lex and Chaos walk back to the front of Katyusha's.}
CHAOS: Are we really gonna start running?
LEX: Hell ya we are. Are ya ready?
CHAOS: I've never been ready for exercise, if I'm being hon-...
{Lex takes off, running.}
CHAOS: Oh, you son of a bitch!
{Chaos runs after him. Cut to Lex, jogging merrily on the sidewalk, not at all breaking a sweat. Chaos comes from behind and matches his speed, however he is also breathing heavily with a red face.}
LEX: Ey, nice ta see ya caught up!
CHAOS: No, {huff}, help {huff}, from {huff}, you, {huff}, asshole!
LEX: Don't worry mon, ya'll get used it!
{Lex begins to run even faster. Chaos chases after him in an attempt to match his speed, causing him to sweat badly and breathe even heavier.}
CHAOS: WHAT IS {huff} THIS??? ARE YOU {huff} TRYING {huff} TO KILL {huff} ME?
LEX: I'm going slow, mon!
CHAOS: FUCK YOU.
{The two run, side-to-side, through the streets of Townindale. Finally, they reach the Downtown area of the city, represented by the Town Hall building and the large park in front of it. The two reach a nearby tree. Lex stops running, while Chaos crashes down to the ground in a massive pile of sweat. He hyperventilates as he tries to regain his bearings.}
LEX: See, I told ya it wasn't that bad! How did it feel?
CHAOS: My... lungs... are... on... fire... {huff}
{Chaos picks himself up and dusts himself off. He wipes the sweat off his brow.}
CHAOS: Oh man, that was too much. I need something to calm my lungs.
{Chaos pulls a tobacco pipe from his pocket and takes a puff from it. He coughs loudly after inhaling, but then sighs in relief. The two begin to walk down Main Street.}
CHAOS: That's much better. So, what is there to do around here?
{Lex shrugs.}
LEX: I'unno. Whatever folks do towntown, I guess?
CHAOS: Like... are there any wine bars? Vintage clothing stores? Cereal cafes?
LEX: C-cereal cafes?
CHAOS: Yeah, man. Like, cafes where you go to eat cereal.
LEX: Can't you just go to the supermarket and eat some at home?
CHAOS: I mean, yeah, of course. But in a cereal cafe, you're paying for the experience.
LEX: Of eating cereal?
CHAOS: Exactly! Going to a friendly establishment where they serve you cereal and you eat it with friends. And like, you get to eat cereal from other countries too.
LEX: I'm sorry mon, but that just sounds stupid.
CHAOS: Nah nah, you don't get it. It's the experience. It's a little expensive, but you get the authentic experience of eating cereal with your peers.
LEX: It sounds kinda wasteful, y'know?
CHAOS: Hey, there's one in London. I mean, if something's in London, it's gotta be good, right?
LEX: It just sounds like dumb gentrification to me mo-...
{The two stop in front of a cereal cafe, named "Surreal Cereals".}
LEX: What.
CHAOS: HOLY SHIT THERE ACTUALLY IS ONE, OH MAN OH MAN OH MANNN.
{Chaos runs through the doors, while Lex follows behind him, looking around in bewilderment. The cafe is small and minimalist in its style, looking more like a museum for modern art than a cafe. Sitting at the tables are young folk in streetwear, stereotypical hipster types, all on their smartphones. At the counter is a tall man with dirty blue hair, a fedora with a feather, a long coat, and a patchy goatee. He is wearing a nametag which says "Tracy". Behind him is a series of shelves with different boxes of cereal.}
CHAOS: Oh my gods, this is great!
LEX: I swear this place wasn't here last week...
{The two walk up to the counter and are both greeted by Tracy, who smiles at them while looking rather dazed at the same time. He begins to speak in an accent similar to Dick Van Dyke's fake cockney accent in Mary Poppins.}
TRACY: 'Ello there, lads. What can I get ya today?
LEX: Is this place for real?
{Tracy looks around, and directly at Lex. He blinks. He does a double take as he looks around a second time.}
TRACY: Looks pretty real to me, mate. I think.
{Chaos is looking at the cereal on offer.}
CHAOS: So... many... choices...
LEX: Ya, just a question, is this place new?
TRACY: Uh... gee. I think so? We opened like, last week and stuff. Yeah. I think.
{Chaos points to a box on the top shelf.}
CHAOS: Oh my god, Space Invaders! I haven't had that cereal since I was a kid!
TRACY: You want that, mate? A'ight, let me grab it.
{Tracy shuffles to the shelf and picks up the box, bringing it to the counter. He pulls out a carton of milk from under the counter. He also pulls out a bowl.}
TRACY: Do you want it in a bowl...
CHAOS: Well, of course I want it in a bowl, what else could cereal be served-...
{Tracy pulls out a mason jar.}
TRACY: Or a mason jar?
CHAOS: WAIT. YOU CAN EAT CEREAL FROM A MASON JAR?
LEX: Chaos, according to the menu, a mason jar is like four dollars extra. This place looks like a complete and total sca-...
{Before Lex can finish his sentence, Chaos has handed Tracy his credit card. Tracy scans it on the cash register, and hands Chaos a mason jar with cereal, milk, and a spoon. Chaos grabs it and sits at the table with the young hipsters. Lex sits next to him.}
CHAOS: Gee, awful nice day we're having here.
{There is no response. They all continue to look at their smartphones. Chaos turns to Lex, who shrugs.}
CHAOS: Nice place to... y'know, eat cereal from a mason jar. Like the cool kids do.
{The hipsters continue to ignore him.}
CHAOS: Huh. Tough crowd.
LEX: They're hipsters, mon. They're not ignoring ya, it's just that they have trouble noticing anyone who isn't in their age range.
CHAOS: What? I am so in their age range! I'm twenty-six years old!
LEX: Exactly, mon. Twenty-six to them, is like... forty.
CHAOS: Look, I'm still in with the kids. They just need to be spoken in a language that they understand. Watch and learn, homeslice.
{Chaos stands up and clears his throat, before addressing the hipsters in front of him.}
CHAOS: Hey, WHAZZZZAAAAAAAAAAAAP, my PEEPS? Shit is mighty cray-cray around here, y'know? Fo sheezy and all that stuff? I see y'all chillaxin' and I was just wonderin' what some of the hip and cool things goin' around this joint are. This cereal cafe, damn dawg, it sure is buzzin, eh? Totally pwns the hell out of all the other cafes in this city...town.
{One of the hipsters, a young asian male, looks up at Chaos with an expression of both bewilderment and disgust.}
HIPSTER: If you wouldn't mind, we're all trying to have a conversation here.
CHAOS: What? You're not even saying anything!
{The hipsters all raise their phones and show Chaos, revealing that they have been texting each other the whole time. On the screens feature texts such as "wtf is this creepy dude sitting here for????", along with meme images. Chaos is visibly upset by this.}
CHAOS: This is bullshit, you guys are fuckin' losers anyway. I'm outta here. "G-T-G", nerds! C'mon, Lex.
{Chaos frowns and turns around to leave. Lex shrugs at the hipsters as he turns to follow Chaos. Tracy calls out as they walk out of the door.}
TRACY: You 'aven't even touched yer cereal! It costs an extra two quid if ya don't eat ya-
{Before Tracy can finish his sentence, the door slams behind them.}
TRACY: Jeez.
HIPSTER: What a poser.
{The hipsters all chuckle slightly before reverting back to their original smartphone forms. Cut to the exterior of the cafe.}
CHAOS: I don't get it, Lex! I used to be hip and cool with the young people! I am still a young people! I don't get what I did wrong. I tried to speak their language and everything!
LEX: Um, nobody says any of that stuff anymore, mon.
CHAOS: They don't?
LEX: Nah. Heck, half of those things ya said were outdated before ya even went to jail.
CHAOS: R-really?
LEX: Ya mon.
CHAOS: So... I didn't sound cool?
LEX: Sorry to say it mon, but ya sounded kinda ridiculous. And this is comin' from a white Jamaican dude, ya?
CHAOS: What do the young people say and do nowadays? I need to know, man. I can't stand the idea of not being top of the curve. I need to show them that I'm still hip!
LEX: Ya can start by not sayin' "the young people". But, I don't even know, I never really followed that stuff. I think they use memes? And dabbing?
CHAOS: What's a dab?
LEX: It's one of those things where- hold on, I'll just show ya.
{Lex performs a dab.}
LEX: Like that.
CHAOS: Lex. That's a Nazi salute. What you did was just a Nazi salute.
LEX: Nah man, it's like a sneeze. A fashionable sneeze.
CHAOS: It's a Nazi salute.
LEX: Nah, I'm serious! Look, I'll show ya some videos when we get home.
CHAOS: I suppose watching what the young people do would definitely make me more well-versed in what they do.
