(even if you aren't vegan)
RiffText/Bastard/Jasonx
In honor of Halloween coming up this year, I'd figure we dive right into the jugular. Get it? Huh? huh? Well fuck you. Anyway, let's go to Jason X. We all know
NAMINE: No, we don't.
NOXIGAR: There comes a point where people need to stop assuming that things will be known and actually explain and contextualize what it is they're discussing. I know I have a problem with this myself, and have been working on improving on this.
Jason Voorhees from Friday the 13th, the most famous, but in my opinion, cliche'd horror characters of all time.
NOXIGAR: I have a friend who mentions that horror isn't necessarily cliche. A lot of it is, even by this friend's admission.
But that's why we love him,
NAMINE: We?
NOXIGAR: Probably just a target audience.
{Namine looks around, wondering if there's even an audience to speak of outside of her and Noxigar. Upon confirmation there isn't, she shrugs.}
he's psychopathic and he butchers people with a machete. In 2002, a 10th Friday the 13th movie was released, but THEY'RE IN SPACE?! Jason X was born, 10 years after the last Friday the 13th movie. Whoopee-fucking-doo.
NAMINE: Big-name franchises can't celebrate their 10th Anniversaries now?
Anyway, we begin this nightmare in Crystal Lake Research center in the near future. I really don't get why it's no longer a camp site.
NAMINE: Maybe watching the last nine Jason movies would help you understand.
Do they actually explain it at all?
NAMINE: Maybe Jason's so famous the campsite was rendered defunct because he kept raiding it.
Jason Voorhees, the killer of the film franchise, is... guess. No really, guess! Give up? Okay. AWAITING CRYOGENIC SUSPENSION! Look's like someone's made of ice cream!
NAMINE: That's not even remotely close to what cryogenic suspension means.
Yeah, that's too easy of a fucking joke. Anyway, Jason kills everybody by doing the old escaping like Houdini. Then, the bitch scientist comes and says, "WHAT HAPPENED?" and then, the guy who is David Cronenberg, if he was Lewis Black's lovechild, said, "I'm sorry." What kind of writers would say something like that?
NOXIGAR: Yeah, no, the writing being awkward is actually a good criticism of any horror movie ever.
Also, I'm aware that the heroine has a name, but the bitch is just a horrible actress as Kristen Stewart and Natalie Portman combined. Yeah, I'll get Portman someday.
NOXIGAR: Neither Kristen Stewart nor Natalie Portman are horrible actresses. Their roles might be meager because the writers that assign them their scripts do not do a good job of writing characters, but it's kind of clear there's a misogynist slant from how our "reviewer" has called the protagonist a "bitch" for no fuckin' reason. He doesn't even deign a reason.
NAMINE: We'll get to discussing how bad writers are versus actors someday.
Now, wait for it, he does a teleportation trick, thus she runs down in the basement, little did she know that she is smart, and Jason is now frozen again. But her crotch gets stabbed. Stabbed like a- hmm... No. I have no idea what to joke there. Sorry.
NAMINE: I'm not sure going in half-cocked with jokes is a good idea nowadays.
Then, we cut to 2455, where these guys that look like rejected character animation from the 2009 animated film, 9, look for the corpse of Jason.
NAMINE: Yet another movie I haven't seen.
NOXIGAR: I don't even think 9 was any good.
And yes, it's a high school field trip, of some sorts.
Now the students unfreeze the girl from the earlier scene, as we get to see the kids unfreezing Jason. Speaking of the devil, we hear the kids having sex where he drives himself crazy, which is normal for any Friday the 13th movie, as we see Jason, drown the scientist girl's face, leaving her frozen. Stay cool. Yeah, another easy joke to make. Go ahead and hiss at me. whatever.
{Noxigar hisses in a hostile manner.}
After that scene, we see the bitch heroine talk about the past Friday the 13th movies.
NOXIGAR: Again, there's absolutely no reason to call the heroine a bitch.
Never did anyone ask, however, what the people did with Jason. We then see the people in the same ship in military form, going to a badly computer-animated hologram game when all of a sudden, Jason interrupts it and kills the same person he killed earlier in the film. Unrecognizable in the family, i see? Also, the killing is uninspired. Same with some other stupid movies from that guy.
NAMINE: I'm... guessing he actually watched the other nine movies? This kind of tells it right here.
As Jason sneaks in and tries to kill off a scientist, he gets shot by the military. Until... Jason throws the guy into the ground.
NAMINE: Is the military just one guy? One location? What is even with "the military" in movies?
Yep, this is sad. Now the other military person shot Jason, but he gets resurrected.
NAMINE: Okay, now that makes some sense.
NOXIGAR: Barely.
Seriously, did i just see the second coming of Jason? But in all seriousness, this is why the movie's death sequences are uninspired. So now, the soldiers are dead as we see Jason killing the captain of the ship, and we crash into the building. And I mean the whole goddamn building. That's where the budget went through instead of the people starving all over the world and have no homes.
NOXIGAR: having no homes.
Also, if this was the case, how come nobody was killed.
NOXIGAR: How come no question marks.
If that was so, then the body count was cranked to 11...MILLION!
NOXIGAR: Cranked to eleven? Does anyone even say that anymore?
NAMINE: Apparently TVTropes does.
NAMINE: I agree that the term's still dated and very few people actually use it correctly anymore, though.
NOXIGAR: Right, they do.
Then, Jason comes in and kills the turdy person,
NOXIGAR: Tur-turdy person?
NAMINE: He's fine with calling everyone bitches and being profane about mundane things, so I don't see why he needed to say "turdy" instead of "shitty."
only with a cutaway. Now, it's up to the lady to kill Jason, with more fake deaths. So everyone is saved, people get resurrected, and then... Jason turns into... SUPER-MECHA-ULTRA-LICIOUS-SUPERCALIFRAGILISTICEXPIALIDOCIOUS-UBER JASON! OH NOES!
NOXIGAR: That "OH NOES!" really wasn't necessary.
Uber Jason, which is called in the credits,
</blockquote>NOXIGAR: which it's called</blockquote>
mind you, goes out on a rampage, and rips the ceiling from the ship. "This sucks on so many levels," said the bitch.
NOXIGAR: This again.
{Noxigar slams on the table}
NAMINE: I could've sworn the moon wasn't full tonight.
NOXIGAR: THIS. A-FUCKIN'-GAIN.
{Namine raises a brow.}
NAMINE: Need something to ease that migraine of yours?
{Namine gets up and gets the anti-migraine meds, then looks outside the window.}
But hey, the late-great Roger Ebert said it best in his review of that movie.
NOXIGAR: Roger Ebert's rolling in his grave from all the hack critics that think they know what they're doing, and utterly don't.
How are they gonna solve this problem? Well, they lock the door, and it's up to them to unlock it. Jason's past has a diversion, which turns into a hologram of Crystal Lake, and believe it or not, this is actually the best part of the movie, in my humble opinion.
NAMINE: Is adding "humble" to things about one's self just another way of saying "kiss my ass"?
NOXIGAR: Pretty much.
Then, we see holographic college girls wanting sex, or pot, or beer. They then got killed, as the two heroes manage to open the door and escape the pod to earth. Meanwhile, Jason surfs into the same planet. And the guys already landed on Earth while Jason take too much time. Why, because FUCK YOU!
NAMINE: It's probably a good thing I stopped you from saying, "I'm going to include Namine as a riffer in this particular riff set because FUCK YOU THAT'S WHY."
NOXIGAR: Yes, yes it is.
That's why. But thankfully, the movie is over.
Now, what I think about it, it was a Plan 9/The Room of the series.
NOXIGAR: I actually watched The Room with a bloke who watched it twenty times prior, and liked that movie sincerely.
NAMINE: I weep for you sometimes.
I'm serious, as much as I like so-bad-its-good movies, this is one of them,
NAMINE: You spent the whole review bashing the film and not giving it any praise whatsoever. You can't just call a movie "So Bad It's Good" if you are unable to find redeeming qualities or say what makes the bad good.
because it has no logic, and it just... WHO CARES!
NOXIGAR: I care that you're not using a question mark to ask a question.
I mean, concept wise, it was good, seeing is how New Line Cinema, the studio behind this wanted to make this movie to keep the franchise alive since Freddy vs. Jason was moving slow up until next year.
NAMINE: Source?
I know people complain that it's the worst out of the franchise, but trust me, the remake... oh boy!
JOIN ME IN THE NEXT REVIEW!
HAPPY FUCKING HALLOWEEN!
JASON X IS OWNED BY NEW LINE CINEMA/WARNER BROS.
