Wikihood/eps/4

Summary

Instead of getting a job, Chaos gets the bright idea of returning to crime. Leigh manages to keep his job.

Transcript

the front room of Chaos, Lex, and Garfield's apartment. Lex and Garfield are getting ready for work, while Chaos is sitting on the couch in his pyjamas, watching the morning news and eating from a tub of ice cream. Lex approaches Garfield, holding two ties.}

LEX: Yo, Garf. Which tie should I wear today? Should I go for the piano tie, or the tie with Martian decorations?

{Garfield strokes his chin.}

GARFIELD: Hm, good question. I think the piano tie would be good to show that you're a carefree individual, but the Martian decorations are definitely endearing too, albeit in a less professional manner. What do you want to achieve? Are you trying to show that you mean business, or are you just trying to show customers that you're here for a good time?

LEX: I 'unno mon. I just like these ties.

GARFIELD: I know what to do. Wear both at the same time. Or wear one around your neck, and one around your head like you're trying to be Rambo.

LEX: ...Y'know, on second thoughts, I'm gonna go with a red tie.

{Lex walks back to his room. Chaos looks back at the kitchen from the couch.}

CHAOS: I think you should wear the martian-... Oh. He's gone. Damn it.

GARFIELD: Aren't you going to get ready for your job too, Felix?

CHAOS: ...What job?

GARFIELD: You still haven't gotten a job yet?

CHAOS: Well, I tried to get me an executive position but no matter how smooth I talked they wouldn't listen to the fact that I was a genius. They said "We got all that we can use".

GARFIELD: Okay, I get it. You don't have a job. You don't have to make fun of me.

CHAOS: Make fun of you?

GARFIELD: You're kidding.

CHAOS: Of course not I'm not kidding! You ask me, they don't know what they're missing.

GARFIELD: Hmm, maybe you should try for a car wash?

CHAOS: Hell no, I know exactly what I'm going to do, and all I need is this.

{Chaos pulls a Ski mask out of nowhere. Garfield looks down at the mask and back at Chaos, incredibly puzzled.}

GARFIELD: In the middle of summer?

CHAOS Um... Yes?

GARFIELD: Okay, good luck I guess.

CHAOS: Thanks Garf, but I don't need luck. This will be pure skill. Well, off to the Ski shop.

{Chaos leaves as Lex re-enters the room wearing a tie with a picture of Bruce Willis, Morgan Freeman, and John Malkovich on it}

GARFIELD: I thought you were going to wear a red tie.

LEX: Ya mon, It's my favorite Bruce Willis movie.

GARFIELD: Well, it sounds like Felix is going to take up professional skiing.

LEX: Really? Good for him, He'll get some use out of his old ski mask.

{Short pause}

GARFIELD: ...wait, it's the summer.

LEX: Yeah, mon.

{Garfield gets several ties; he wears a red tie around his forehead, then wears a cyan dragon-themed tie around his neck, then wears one orange tie around his left wrist and one purple tie around his right wrist.}

GARFIELD: Time to get paralegal.

{Lex checks his watch.}

LEX: Oh man, time to head off to work! Care to join me, Garf?

GARFIELD: I can't, I'm sorry. I have an extra long shift at the lab. We got a shipment of Orkneyan Snappers. We're currently trying to breed a new type which is resistant to the cold and snow.

LEX: A.. what?

GARFIELD: They're like Venus Flytraps, only they're slightly bigger, and they're slightly more deadly. They are also an amazing delicacy to the Orcish people, who, ironically, don't herald from the Orkney Islands, despite the name. So yeah, we're manufacturing a superfood for Orcs. How about you?

LEX: I'm jus' workin' a shift at the Mattress Warehouse. By myself. For eight hours. Well. I'll see ya, mon!

{Lex scoots out of the door. Garfield shrugs before putting his labcoat on.}

GARFIELD: My coworkers will love my new fashion.

{Cut to Chaos, walking downtown with a ski mask in his hand.}

CHAOS: Alright, alright, alright. I'm gonna hit the jackpot tonight.

{Chaos shoves his ski mask into his back pocket and enters a shop called "Skied off". He starts casing the joint, making note of security cameras and other things people make note of when casing a joint. An employee spots his ski mask in his back pocket and approaches him.}

EMPLOYEE: Excuse me sir, may I see that ski mask?

{Chaos is surprised by the employee and nervously turns to face him}

CHAOS: Oh, uh, that ol' thing? I've had that for years.

EMPLOYEE: Oh, believe me, I can tell. From just a glance I can tell you that ski mask in your pocket is so three years ago. Clearly you must be in the market for a new one.

CHAOS: No, no. I'm just browsing.

EMPLOYEE: Nonsense my good man, you clearly need some new gear. And if you need a new mask, you need a new everything. Now let's take a look at that mask

{The employee already has the mask in his hand. He is diligently looking over it}

CHAOS: How did you-

EMPLOYEE: A lil' bandit ski mask, ironically not small, nor for thefts. I heard a guy got caught trying to rob a casino with one of these a few years back.

CHAOS: Yeah, funny that.

EMPLOYEE: I know just what you need.

{The employee crumples Chaos' mask in his hands, and when he opens his hands he is holding a brand new ski-mask}

EMPLOYEE: Behold: The Mask. Minimalistic design at extravagant prices.

CHAOS: It looks exactly the same.

EMPLOYEE: Ah, but that's where you're wrong, my good man. It's simply a better mask. I assure you it will be like no other mask you have ever worn. Why, just try it on!

{The mask has seemingly disappeared from the employees hands as a close up of his hands are shown}

CHAOS: Where'd it go?

EMPLOYEE: You're already wearing it, my dear boy!

{Cut back to the two as chaos quickly puts his hands to his face several times}

CHAOS: Holy shit! You... It feels really nice actually.

EMPLOYEE: Of course it does, it's just so perfectly you, don't you agree? Of course you do. Now, I simply can't let you walk away with just The Mask, a man like you needs a whole new set of gear. Follow me.

{The two men go through the store as different items from the different sections seemingly put themselves in Chaos's hands. Cut to afterward as Chaos is done shopping, ready to leave}

CHAOS: Well, thank you for everything, but what happened to my old mask?

EMPLOYEE: Check your back pocket.

{Chaos checks his back pocket to find his old ski mask there, where it was when he started. His eyes go wide as his mind is blown.}

CHAOS: Oh shiiiiiiiit...

{Meanwhile, at the Mattress Warehouse. Lex is sitting alone at a cashier booth near the entrance of the shop. "Human Nature" by Michael Jackson is echoing through the intercom and Lex is humming along to it. Zoom out to reveal that the shop is absolutely massive and practically empty, save for several mattress displays. Lex is the only person in this gigantic building. Zoom out even further to reveal that the store is sitting in a vacant part of the city outskirts.}

{Cut to a high-tech laboratory. Garfield is casually analyzing DNA samples on a computer. Behind him is a scene of carnage, as scientists are engaged in battle against a horde of giant Venus Flytraps which are hellbent on devouring them.}

GARFIELD: This is why you shouldn't have let them out of the cage, Jerry!

{The scientist (looking similar to Jerry Lewis) responds to Garfield.}

JERRY: How was I supposed to know that they had developed a taste for human flesh?

GARFIELD: Have you never seen Little Shop of Horrors?

JERRY: But they're aliens, Garfield!

GARFIELD: It's the same principle!

{Garfield sighs.}

GARFIELD: Hold on, I can do this. Just give me a second!

{Garfield pours some colored vials of liquid into a machine while he types on the computer. After a couple of seconds, the machine makes a "ding" sound, and it pours out a glowing green liquid into a cup. Garfield transfers the green liquid into an aerosol spray and puts goggles on. He strolls over to a scene of a plant in the middle of devouring a scientist and sprays it with the formula. The plant freezes and spits the scientist out, who emerges alive and well. He sprays the formula all around the laboratory, prompting the plants to cease their attacks on the scientists and become docile. He then gently leads the plants back into their cages and goes back to his computer.}

{Cut back to Chaos, lugging a bag of skiing essentials down the street.}

CHAOS: Wow, what a great businessman. He managed to get me sweet deals on all of this ski equipment! I-... Wait a second.

{Chaos looks at the bag he's carrying, then pulls the receipt out of his pocket. He looks at it for a couple of seconds and his eyes widen in astonishment.}

CHAOS: Oh fuck!

{Chaos lugs the bag back to the street where the store was, only to find that the entire store has disappeared from its spot, leaving an empty space next to its surrounding buildings.}

CHAOS: H-h-h.. how?

{Chaos rushes over to an elderly gentleman, and grabs him by the shoulders.}

CHAOS: You! Di-did you see a ski shop in that empty space, literally like... five minutes ago?

ELDERLY MAN: Are ya talking about "Skied Off?" Why, that store burned down five years ago after an armed robbery went wrong. The shopkeeper and the thief both perished in the fire; it was all over the news!

{Chaos lets go of the man's shoulders. He lifts up the bag.}

CHAOS: But... I... just bought a bunch of stuff from that store... I wanted to return my items...

ELDERLY MAN: Gee, looks like you're in a bother, then. Ya better make some good use of that equipment! I could recommend some good skiing locations for you if you like!

CHAOS: I... I think I need to go home, and potentially have a mental breakdown. Thanks... though?

ELDERLY MAN: Any time, lad.

{Chaos and the Elderly Gentleman both walk away in the opposite direction. The Elderly Gentleman smirks as he walks offscreen. Cut to the apartment. Chaos enters to see Garfield back home and hand-crafting a plush of a purple heart at the dinner table.}

CHAOS: I don't suppose you enjoy skiing, do you?

GARFIELD: I've never tried it, myself. Right now, I'm creating a Katawa Heart. It's said that by making one of these, you can-...

CHAOS: I'm going to go to bed.

{Chaos proceeds to flop face-first onto the couch.}

GARFIELD: It's only 5:30PM, though? Aren't you going to have dinner?

CHAOS: Nah, I don't need food. I already ate shit.

GARFIELD: That does not sound like a particularly appetizing meal.

{Chaos lets out a pathetic whale-like cry as he puts a pillow ontop of his head. Suddenly Lex bursts into the living room.}

LEX: OH HONEYYYYS, I'M HOOOOME!

{Garfield makes a pistol-hand gesture at Lex.}

GARFIELD: Eyyy, I Love Lucy reference!

{Garfield and Lex high-five.}

CHAOS: UGHHHHHHHH- I LIVE IN A CONSTANT STATE OF FEAR AND MISERY.

{Lex notices the bag of skiing essentials.}

LEX: Eyy, I love skiing!

CHAOS:' UGHHHGHHHHH.

{Unaware of Chaos' presence, Lex does a running-jump onto the couch, causing some part of Chaos' body to crack. Chaos groans. Lex picks up the remote and turns the television on, showing it on the news channel. The reporter, a Middle-Eastern woman in her mid-30s, is reporting on an event in a sunny coastal city.}

REPORTER: I am Sarah Khoroushi of TDTV, and we are currently live in Downtown San Cristobal where former District Attorney, Xavier D'Arque, is rumored to announce his campaign to run for Republic Island's Senate seat in Washington.

{Chaos looks at the television screen.}

CHAOS: Ughhhh, politics. Turn it off.

{Lex is about to pick up the remote, before Garfield rushes in and snatches it.}

GARFIELD: No, don't change it! This is actually really interesting! This town was founded by one of D'Arque's ancestors!

CHAOS: And this means we have to watch this?

GARFIELD: Shh! I think he's coming!

{On the television screen, a gentleman steps onto the stage, prompting masses of screaming and cheering by his adoring fans. He is tall, physically fit, and notably Hollywood-handsome, with a well-chiseled jaw, golden-blonde hair, pearly-white teeth, and a radiating smile. Next to him is a young Asian woman, holding a clipboard.}

GARFIELD: OH YE GODS, IS THAT STEPHANIE?

CHAOS: Who?

GARFIELD: One of my old college buddies. Wow, she's done well for herself.

{Shift back to the television. Stephanie hands the man her clipboard and he shakes her hand, before standing at the podium.}

REPORTER KHOROUSHI: This is it, folks. This is the definitive moment. Xavier D'Arque is about to make his speech.

{The man clears his throat before flashing a beautiful smile to his fans.}

XAVIER: Ho boy, we're really about to do this, huh folks? Lemme say, before I make the big announcement, I just want to thank my beautiful wife and my beautiful children.

{Xavier turns behind and motions his family to come on-stage with him. His wife appears with two young children, one boy and one girl, both around eleven and thirteen years old, respectively. The crowd acknowledges them with an "Awwww."}

XAVIER: My beautiful wife, Melinda D'Arque.. we have been married for thirteen years, and every day since then has been an adventure.

{Cut back to the three watching this. Garfield has joined Lex in sitting on Chaos' body.}

CHAOS: You know when you instantly hate a guy for looking too perfect, because it's obvious he's making shit up?

LEX: Shhh.

{Chaos groans. Cut back to the announcement.}

XAVIER: Today is a special day. Not just for me, not just for my family, but for us. We did this. I ask you-, no. I beg you all to join me on my journey, as I officially announce that I shall be running in the election to become Republic Island's newest Senator. With your support, I have no doubt that we can do this. I aim to win this competition, and when I do, I will be your Senator. You will all be my boss, and we shall make a new mark on Washington. With your support, we will win this, and when we do, well... I don't know...

{Xavier turns to his wife, then back into the podium.}

XAVIER: Let's just say that my ambitions don't just stop at the Senate!

{Xavier laughs. Everybody in the crowd laughs along with him.}

XAVIER: Don't get me wrong, there's still some time until then! But yeah, whew, we are going to make this happen, my friends.

{Xavier flashes a peace sign at the cheering audience before giving his wife a kiss on the cheek and escorting them behind stage, with Stephanie following him. Reporter Khoroushi appears back on-camera.}

REPORTER KHOROUSHI: There you have it, folks. Xavier D'Arque has now officially entered the race for Senate, to a cheering crowd of hundreds. Notable for being a member of the prestigious D'Arque family, Xavier D'Arque is a direct descendent of Townindale's very own Donovan D'Arque, who helped establish the town in 1789, and was even responsible for the construction of Townindale's Gauzy Girl Theatre in-...

{The television shuts off, as Chaos managed to grab the remote from Garfield.}

CHAOS: What a load of bullshit. I could actually smell the lies from the television screen. Who does this douche think he is? Some bougie "fortunate son" thinking he has the right to come in and run for public office?

LEX: Every citizen has the right to run for public office, Felix. It's in the-...

CHAOS: Yeah, yeah, I know, but... still. That wholesome persona is such a facade. I can almost guarantee that guy has some weird shit going on behind the scenes. I bet he's not even human, but a robot. Or his family are robots. Or he's aligned with a caste of necromancers, or-...

GARFIELD: He's got a pretty good reputation. You know he's an army veteran, right?

CHAOS: So?

LEX: Didn't he help dismantle the Mafia in San Cristobal too?

GARFIELD: I think so, yeah. What I'm saying is that this guy has a lot of support. I wouldn't be surprised if he won, truth be told.

CHAOS: Pfft. Whatever. Politics can suck a fat one, anyway. You know what's more important than politics?

LEX: Actually getting a job?

CHAOS: I tried that; got skiing equipment.

GARFIELD: Why did you buy skiing equipment, anyway?

CHAOS: Because I wanted to, okay? Because I decided to go into a skiing store in the middle of the summer and buy ski essentials. Because it was a store which totally existed and wasn't run by a ghost. You know what? I don't care. I just don't care.