(even if you aren't vegan)
RiffText/Bastard/Bratz
In the first ever review from me, TVB,
NAMINE: You thought your first kiss would be with Johnathan, but it was me, Dio!
{Beat.}
NOXIGAR: Nope, funnier in mine.
NAMINE: I think that was funnier in my head.
I do a review in humanly passion
NOXIGAR: And I do a riff in Nobodyly passion
on one of the worst movies I have ever seen.
NAMINE: That's a pretty high bar to have. How many movies have you seen to make this judgment?
And tonight is the night were i review... {shudders} BRATZ THE MOVIE!
That's right! Lionsgate's adaptation of an obvious slutty Barbie ripoff toyline!
NOXIGAR: This was in 2013, right?
NAMINE: That's what it says on the main menu.
NAMINE: Not everyone has "pointlessly seductive" or "excessively sultry" in their vocabulary? That's kind of my only valid explanation for it.
NOXIGAR: Why are we continuing to describe things as "slutty" when there's almost no basis for it?
Now before I go ahead and rip this apart,
NOXIGAR: He tries so hard to be He11sing920 that it's utterly frustrating.
NAMINE: Didn't you at one point like He11sing920?
NAMINE: I thought it was Latin for "about." As in, "I'm about to question your bias on this guy's review style."
NOXIGAR: For a couple months, tops. Then my inner Nostalgia Critic fan found his hipster rantings hypocritical.
NAMINE: So your Doug Walker meta took in?
NOXIGAR: Sure, let's... let's go with that, I guess. Everyone's using that "Most Effective Tactic Available" acronym nowadays for just about everything.
let me say that I am surprised that, of all things, Lionsgate released a film adaptation on the worst toyline ever, back when there were trailers of the movie in 2007. I never went and saw the movie that year. And now it's time for me to review it, so {sigh} let's just get the fuck over it!
NOXIGAR: "Let's just get the fuck over it?"
NAMINE: He probably meant "Let's just get this the fuck over with."
So we get a film about Cloe, and her "memorable" friends, Yashmin, Sasha, and Jade. They are ready to go to high school for the first time. We're greeted with another stereotype, Meredith, and the hellcats. Yeah, hell is right. She wants everything to be organized, especially people. Yeah, that's the Meredith we wanted! {moans}
So what I gathered is that Cloe loves to play soccer, Jon Voight, who is here for a paycheck to give to his daughter, Angelina Jolie, play as the principal, and some tweeny-bopper songs play making Hot Problems by Two Take look a lot like any Led Zeppelin song. Jade is also with the nerds, Sasha becomes a cheerleader, and Yashmin watches male porn. Okay, I'm kidding. Actually, she becomes a journalist major. Never in time did they explain what the hell is going on. They just met and they become friends in a matter of seconds.
The talent show is coming to high school, so they come up with an idea to make their own show. Thus, we get more terrible music! That's the plot. Nothing else happens. Nothing! I mean, there could be a film where there's high school kids trapped in a dungeon with viking music and classic '70s-'90s heavy metal music playing and there would be a climax where the high school kids have to be muddy, "LOL," and they find a way to defeat a wizard that is as smart as Einstein, travels all over the world with a flying monster truck, and beautiful babes that the high school men would be in love with. That would've been a better movie than what we have. So we're stuck to watching tweeny-bopper high school movies like Bratz the Movie. Nobody understands quality, time, logic, or anything.
let me tell you, this is one of the WORST movies ever. I'm dead serious! If you wanna suffer, go ahead and watch it. Otherwise, avoid it! Now burn it!
JOIN ME IN THE NEXT REVIEW!
BRATZ: THE MOVIE IS OWNED BY LIONSGATE
