Difference between revisions of "Wikihood/eps/3"

Revision as of 01:58, 3 May 2018

Summary

Surprise, bitch. I bet you thought you'd seen the last of me

Transcript

{Open on a cellphone ringing with a midi rendition of the "No More Brothers" remix of "Living on my Own" by Freddie Mercury. It sounds awful. Leigh wakes up with a quick yelp and answers the phone. He has a full head of hair of glorious silver hair.}

LEIGH: You've reached the house of the... Screw it I can't be arsed. Hello?

NED: {Through phone} Remo? I just heard you were in that plane that was hijacked the other day...

{Cut to Ned, setting up A DDRMAX Dance Dance Revolution 6thMix machine in his high rise apartment.}

NED: You alright, bro?

LEIGH: Uh... Yeah, I'm...

{Cut to Remolay sitting in his bed a close-up on his face}

LEIGH: No... No I'm stuck in Townindale, I got fired for not showing up on the first day even though I was IN A PLANE HIJACKING! And I'm living in back of a wig maker's shop. Job hunt's not going well.

NED: Dang, that's rough, bro. At least you've got Maddie. right?

{Camera slowly zooms out showing he is alone in bed, which is just an old mattress in a nearly empty room}

LEIGH: Yeah, about that. You know how supportive she's been with me and my constant job issues... Well she uh... She finally got sick of it and left me. I don't blame her, honestly.

NED: {sighs} Look, I'll help you out a bit. Check your bank account, get yourself a nice suit, and the rest should pay rent for a couple of months.

LEIGH: Ned, I don't deserve it. You can't keep bailing me out.

{Cut back to Ned as he turns on the Dance Dance Revolution machine}

NED: You don't deserve it, but I'm doing it anyway. I know you can do it, bro. Go out there and make me proud.

{Ned presses the start button, the machine yells "DDRMAX!"}

LEIGH: Alright... Thanks brother.

{fade to black. The song "Loser" by Beck begins. The word WIKIHOOD appears on screen with the second loop of the Riff, shortly followed by the sound of an electric shaver. Cut to the front of the wigmaker shop as the beat starts. Leigh walks out the door, Bald once more and carrying a document held together with a paperclip, presumably his Resume. A guy with a boombox walks by and Loser beings to fade out. Leigh looks at the boombox guy funny, and walks off to a tailor. Cut to him entering the tailor's shop, where he is greeted by an older Drow gentleman with a goatee, wearing a snazzy vest and glasses.}

TAILOR: Oh my, a fellow urban-dwelling Drow. It's not often I run into another one in this town! How may I be of service?

LEIGH: Drow? Oh no, haha! You have me mistaken. I am a human.

TAILOR: With pointy ears?

LEIGH: Yes.

TAILOR: And dark, bluish-purple skin? And white eyebrows?

LEIGH: ...I have a condition.

{The tailor looks perplexed for a couple of seconds before his expression turns into one of disappointment.}

TAILOR: Right. Anyway, how can I be of service?

LEIGH: I'm new to this town and I'm looking for a job. I need a snazzy suit to make me look hirable.

{The tailor furrows his brow.}

TAILOR: I know exactly what to put you in.

{Cut to Leigh leaving the tailor's in a stylish light-pink suit with a light-blue shirt and tie. His phone begins to ring. He picks it up. Ned is on the other end. Muffled Eurobeat music can be heard in the background while Ned sounds out of breath.}

NED: You remember how I said I would help you, bro?

LEIGH: That was like, an hour ago.

NED: Yes! Well, guess what? I have landed you a job interview with one of the most illustrious companies in the city. You have a job interview with none other than Jacqueline Rosenberg of the Rosenberg Association.

LEIGH: Whoa, no way! How did you pull something like that?

NED: I have connections, my dear brother. Plus, she owed me a favor from this one time I gave her a quarter for the vending machine during a conference. Can you believe that billionaires don't carry around change? Outrageous, isn't it?!

LEIGH: Wow. I don't know what to say.

NED: You don't need to say anything. You just need to haul ass, because your interview is in twenty minutes. She agreed to do this on her coffee break, hence the rush.

LEIGH: Oh shinola, that's hardly enough time! I don't even know where it is!

NED: Sure you do. Look at the horizon. You see that tall and vaguely evil-looking building? The one that looks like an image from a sci-fi dystopia? Yeah. That one. Top floor. Now HURRY.

{Ned hangs up. Leigh looks into the distance to see that the building is a fair distance away. It sticks out in its obviousness, as shown by the dark cloud that looms over it on an otherwise clear and sunny day. Ned looks around to find a quick method of transport, and he notices a kid (same kid from episode 1) wearing roller skates. He rushes to the kid and pulls a deck of cards from his front pocket.}

LEIGH: Quick! I'll trade you my collection of Golden Girls cards for your roller skates! I need them urgently!

KID: No way! I already own all the best cards!

{Leigh shifts through the deck and pulls out a single card that he shows to the kid.}

LEIGH: I bet you don't have a holographic Dorothy Zbornak attack card, 1994 limited edition, signed by Bea Arthur herself.

{The kid looks at the card in amazement.}

KID: Hoooo-lyyyyy shiiiiiiii-

{Cut to Leigh speeding through the highway on the pair of roller skates, shifting inbetween cars as he rushes to the evil building. He grumbles to himself.}

LEIGH: I gave away my best card for this job. It better be worth it!

{Leigh turns the corner and run into Lex and Chaos, crashing into Chaos and tripping over himself. He falls on the ground and drops his Resume. Chaos is taken aback by this, and berates Leigh, while Lex proceeds to help him up off the ground.}

LEX: Are ya' alright?

CHAOS: Never mind him, what about me? Watch where you're goin', dumbass!

{Back to his feet, Leigh looks at Chaos and winces.}

LEIGH: Oh my Gods, I am so, so sorry, I didn't mean to run into you like that, oh gods, oh jeez, I- I- I'm in a rush, okay? I have a job interview in five minutes and-...

{A gust of wind causes the papers to fly off-screen.}

LEIGH: No, my resume! Darn it! First the plane is hijacked, and then this! Argh! I just hope my brother is having a better time...

{Leigh stares forward, wide eyed, for about a second}

LEIGH: He's probably dealing with a difficult case or something.

{The drow skates off after the papers, leaving Lex and Chaos dumbfounded.}

CHAOS: Pfft, what a weirdo.

{cut to an establishing shot of the Rosenberg building}

JACQUELINE: Well, Mr. More, I must admit your resume is not impressive...

{Cut to the meeting room where Jacqueline is interviewing Leigh, whose suit has gotten dirtied from more falls. Jacqueline flipping through his resume, which has become moderately crumpled}

JACQUELINE: Aside from where you claim to have worked for Santa Claus, it looks like you've never held a job for more than a week. So, you've never held a job for over a week.

LEIGH: Wait, the Santa Claus thing is still in there? Oh man, I thought I took that one out.

JACQUELINE: It is preposterous. Honestly, you expect anyone to believe-

LEIGH: Oh no, I did work for Santa Claus. Pretended to be an elf for a good two years. Poor guy didn't have the heart to fire me.

{Jacqueline clearly does not believe him, she puts his resume down and appears to have completely checked out, already deciding that Leigh is not getting the job}

LEIGH: So, I'm not going to lie to you, Ned didn't tell me what job I'm interviewing for.

JACQUELINE: Pfft, Lawyers, am I right?

LEIGH: He's my brother.

JACQUELINE: Of course he is. Fine, next question. What would you say your greatest weakness is?

LEIGH: Probably that I keep getting fired from jobs.

{Jacqueline closes her eyes, raises her head toward the ceiling and gives a loud sigh. She gets up and leaves the room, leaving Leigh, whose smile does not drop. Cut to her getting a drink of water when Jules appears from nowhere}

JULES: Yo aunty!

{Jacqueline yelps and throws her cup of water up in the air in surprise, and turns to see her nephew, who is now covered in water}

JACQUELINE: Jules... How many times have I told you never to sneak up on me like that?

JULES: Yeah, sorry aunty. Hey that elf who came in to interview, his name ain't Leigh, is it?

JACQUELINE: Yeah... Do you know him from somewhere?

JULES: Motherfucker saved my life in the hijacking. He'd take a bullet for a complete stranger.

JACQUELINE: He didn't look like he'd been shot.

JULES: Yeah, no yeah. But he was gonna. Pushed me out of the way. Lucky he didn't get hit.

JACQUELINE: And you're telling me this why?

JULES: You gotta hire him, aunty. I owe him a favor after that shit.

JACQUELINE: He has no qualifications.

JULES: Yeah, but I'd be DEAD without him!

{Jacqueline sighs}

'JACQUELINE: Fine.

{Cut back to the meeting room, Leigh's smile unending. Jacqueline comes back in the room with a glass of wine and a few sheets of paper.}

JACQUELINE: You've got the job, More.

{leigh's smile fades and he starts the stand up}

LEIGH: I understand, I'l leave my- WOAH!

{Leigh falls to the floor as he is still wearing rollerskates. He lifts his head up}

LEIGH: Wait a minute, did you say I got the job?

JACQUELINE: Apparently you saved my idiot nephew's life, so yes. You got the job.

{Leigh jumps up to his feet with perfect balance and rushes to shake Jacqueline's hand}

LEIGH: Thank you so much, you absolutely will not regret this Ms. Rosenberg!

JACQUELINE: I highly doubt that.

LEIGH:By the way, just what is my job?

JACQUELINE: You're a telemarketer. Congratulations, you start tomorrow, 7 AM. Now, if you'd just fill out these-

LEIGH: Thank you so much! You won't regret this!

{Leigh runs out door. Jacqueline slaps the papers on the table, sits down, and gulps down her wine. Cut to remolay racing down the street in celebration}

LEIGH: I have a job!

{He slows as a realization hits him}

LEIGH: But I'm out a Dorothy card. Darn...