Difference between revisions of "RiffText/Bastard/Christmasstory2"

Latest revision as of 22:14, 29 November 2015

Why hi. Today, I have special, timeless classic question after watching this movie. Ready? here we go.

WHO THE FUCK MADE THIS?! WHO IN GOD'S NAME THINK THAT THIS SUCCESSOR TO A MONUMENTAL CLASSIC CHRISTMAS MOVIE IS A FUCKING GREAT IDEA?!? SOME JERK OFF MONKEY THAT THOUGHT THIS DIRECT-TO-DVD-AND-BLU-RAY SEQUEL WAS A GOOD IDEA MUST BE STABBED WITH A FUCKING STAPLER!!!

NOXIGAR: This yelling about inconsequential sequels to already-average nostalgic films is very familiar. It's also not worth the huge dramatic gap between your question curiosity and then yelling this.
NAMINE: A Christmas Story 2 isn't worth impaling someone with a stapler over, either.

I'm sorry for screaming, but

NOXIGAR: A tip: saying, "I'm sorry" and adding "but" de-legitimizes your apology. The apology becomes fake.

let me say, A Christmas Story is the best Christmas classic film I ever seen, and yeah, I'm aware that there other Christmas movies better than this, but this one makes me smile more than anything. it's a film that centers around Ralphie who wants a toy Red Rider BB gun for Christmas, and the people in the world are holding his chest

NAMINE: Withholding his chest? Or withholding his chance to acquire a toy Red Rider BB gun?

for him to get it. May be simple, but at least the execution is just magical, lovable, and amazing! But here, three decades later, some slacker at Warner Bros. said... "Hey. Let's make a sequel to a classic Christmas movie from the 1980s to piss people off."

NAMINE: I highly doubt that was their exact words, or their exact motivation.

And it just fucking did!

The plot involves Ralphie, now a teenager, and he wants to get a new car. Yeah, I stopped midway through that because of how retarded it is, I mean, a car is not really a special gift! Just to remind people. But, fuck, i'll keep going. He needs to get a job at a Christmas shop to wrap presents, but at the same time, he screws all of that up, and yes, it's as stupid as it gets. Meanwhile, and get this, Ralphie's dad goes, guess. That's right. Ice fishing. Yay! That's a fucking Christmas movie, right?

NOXIGAR: Yes, their plots are almost exactly about wanting things. Christmas as a holiday takes the Winter Solstice and makes it about possessions and gifts. No, fuckin' really, the entire gimmick of secular versions of Christmas is "give things to people and celebrate the fact Winter is here." The first official Day of Winter, like it or not, is the 21st of December. The timing can't be any more perfect for Winter Solstice.

The plot is just a rehash, and i'll explain why. Same jokes? Check. Same sounding narration (even though it's a different person, but whatever)? Check. Same trouble he gets? Check. Same dream sequences.

NAMINE: Not all of us have seen the first movie. Explaining what got rehashed might have made your argument stronger.

Check on that part! But here's the thing, unlike the predecessor, where you feel like you want to be a little kid during Christmas time, this feels like you wasted all your money and Warner Bros. is spending it on either drugs, alcohol, etc.

NOXIGAR: If that's what Warner Bros. spends its money on, it'd be out of business pretty fast. They kind of need money to make movies to get money in the first place. Hollywood is a harsh mistress.

And besides, if you're a teen, you don't feel like Christmas.

NAMINE: I dunno, I've felt like Christmas before.

In fact, Ralphie as a teen is just uninspiring and uninteresting.

NAMINE: Not necessarily. It can be done, but it just wasn't done well.

Now if A Christmas Story had a sequel where maybe Ralphie gets married and has kids, and he tells what his Christmas was like, then it could be better. But nope, instead of Warner Bros. thinking about the homeless, they just spend money on a sequel.

And remember when I said same day-dream sequences?

{Noxigar reads the previous paragraphs}
NOXIGAR: No, you really didn't.

Well, they are in it, and they're not as remarkable as the first. The first had outstanding dream sequences. Like for example... Ralphie has a kid-friendly expectation of himself, yet most of that doesn't have to do with the realism of the world. Teenagers don't have the same spirit as kids. And that's why nothing happens in this movie.

One other problem i have is the casting. They all suck! I mean, the actor who played teen Ralphie looks like the one from the original, but his acting is just off-character. Daniel Stern as the father is just horrible. Everyone else sucks and I wish there was actual effort from the actors, and even actual effort in the fucking story!

NOXIGAR: Who played the originals? What makes Daniel Stern inadequate of an actor? What makes the acting suck? I mean, I understand you're attached to the first installment. I don't necessarily know much about A Christmas Story, and don't feel compelled to agree with everything being said.

And then, there's the time period. I thought this was a film taking place in today's society, and then, it goes to the '50s, and then I ask, "Writers, can you make up your fucking minds?" If you watch the first film, you will not question the time period this film was, and yet, the film is like a period piece and it makes it good, since it only takes place in the early '40s.

NOXIGAR: Details on that, maybe?

But the most extremely major problem with the feature is why the film existed in the first motherfucking place! It just never works. You can't go ahead and make a sequel to a Christmas classic made a LONG time ago. And you can't do it to classics at all. Hey! Guess what? How about a sequel to White Christmas with will.i.am and Martin Lawrence. Or hell, even make a sequel to Casablanca with Adam Sandler, Mark Wahlberg, and Jennifer Garner.

NOXIGAR: One, there's only two good Adam Sandler movies period - Happy Gilmore, and Click. Two, sequels of Christmas movies exist and some of them are as memorable as the first, if not more. Three, a sequel to White Christmas with will.i.am in it actually sounds good. Martin Lawrence, not so much. Four, Casablanca is not only not a Christmas movie, but as a movie it was mostly carried by Humphrey Bogart, and taking out Bogart would kind of kill any sequels or equivalents.

Or here's a good one, STOP! MAKING! THEM! Warner Bros., you just did it because you wanna make a quick buck for a DVD release and put it in sales so people will be suckered in to see it.

I'm sorry if I was only ranting then reviewing, but

NOXIGAR: "I'm sorry" is negated by "but" in almost all cases. I apologize for nitpicking this particular problem.

damnit! This movie was just suffering. It is by far the worst Christmas movie ever made! Even more than Adam Sandler's Eight Crazy Nights.

NAMINE: There's your problem right there. Eight Crazy Nights isn't a Christmas movie. A Chanukah movie, and not a good one, but still not a Christmas movie.

And even more than The Star Wars Holiday Special.

NOXIGAR: Anything made by George Lucas is bad. I probably have shit taste, though, and should not be entirely trusted.

That's all.

JOIN ME IN MY NEXT REVIEW!!! HAPPY HOLIDAYS AND MERRY CHRISTMAS!

A CHRISTMAS STORY 2 IS OWNED BY WARNER BROS.

NAMINE: A sidenote. Maybe placing the copyright disclaimer at the beginning will help it be noticed and help tell who owns the movie rights without you needing to yell the owners' name(s) in subsequent portions of your reviews.