Difference between revisions of "RiffText/Bastard/Ratatoing"

Latest revision as of 16:19, 29 November 2015

{sigh} Never in my life will i ever do a film from an animated studio that is a direct-to-video Pixar/Dreamworks Animation wannabe.

NOXIGAR: So can we go home now?
NAMINE: It's never that easy.

Everybody knows that the company, in question, Video Brinquedo, sucks so much,

NAMINE: I didn't know who these people were.

and children watching the movies from that studio is the reason why the no-child-left-behind act was a complete failure!

NOXIGAR: Yep, this movie that came out is why an act which undermines meritocracy in schools is a failure. Everyone go home, we have our answers right here.

So here it is, Raratoing.

NOXIGAR: Raratoing sounds awesome.

Released in 2007, just in time to cash in on the Pixar film that I actually loved called, Ratatouille, for those who are living under a rock.

NAMINE: "For those who are living under a rock?" Was that honestly needed?

In this movie, it takes place in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil, a place where it has birds in a 20th Century Fox animated film, and where it got destroyed in a Roland Emmerich film. Where there is a restaurant that is made for rats, and yes, by rats too. Marcel Toing, the "proud" owner of the restaurant, Ratatoing, is a restaurant, mind you.

{Namine gives Noxigar some migraine medication}
NOXIGAR: Thanks, Namine, you are such a sweetheart; holy shit, there are so many run-on sentences in this one paragraph and he split the sentences in such a way that it's agonizing to look at. I can't tell where it begins or where it ends.

And here, everyone is not eating the food, yet they talk about how much the food is fantastic.

NAMINE: Isn't that how product placement works?

{Noxigar downs the medication with Pepsi.}

NOXIGAR: Nectar of the Gods, I tell you!

That, my friends, is not a good sign. So Marcel, and his two gang of rats,

NOXIGAR: Two fellow rat cohorts? I feel like "two gang of rats" just doesn't sound coherent.

Carol, a mouse that she does a badly animated walk,

NAMINE: Fernando, a cat that does the cat equivalent of laughing.

and Greg, who uses this special word... "Precisely,"

NOXIGAR: Approximately, I am to assume this just means the rat Greg has a limited vocabulary.

NAMINE: Can we train cats to be literate?

NOXIGAR: Go ahead, but I mean... good luck?

go find more food in a human restaurant only to find out that there is a guard cat, so they dress up in secret agent clothing, which only consists of Mickey Mouse hats you get from Disneyland or Disneyworld, goggles, and backpacks. it consists of filler too. Moving on...

NAMINE: Aren't montage scenes really just glitter-covered filler with music?

As this happens, we have a subplot where four rats wait for the food, and they do the weirdest, cheesiest, most nightmarish, and the stupidest dance sequence ever.

NOXIGAR: At least there exists, albeit in a brief, fleeting moment, reprieve from the stygian pit of appallingly imprecise grammar.

I am going to hell now.

NAMINE: For what, may I ask?
NOXIGAR: We really don't want to know.

Meanwhile, Marcel, Greg, and Carol find the ingredients from the rival human restaurant, and then, Ratatoing is going to be out of business. The only way to make this restaurant out of business, they get more food only to find out that the four rats from before found them, as Ratatoing is saved.

NOXIGAR: Ratatoing is a restaurant made by animals that use human ingredients that they can't necessarily buy on their own.

NAMINE: Can't the rats cut a deal with the humans in order to survive?

NOXIGAR: Not how that works, I'm afraid.

The animation didn't help either, since it is your typical Video Brinquedo animation,

NAMINE: We have no idea what a "typical Video Brinquedo animation" is.

where the CG is crooked, and the character designs look like shit, but in the case of Ratatoing, the designs are interesting shit. I call them interesting shit because they have mouths and jaws that move like they are in an Aardman movie, and yes, the Aardman that made Wallace and Gromit, The Pirates: Band of Misfits, and Flushed Away. Other than something amazing, the movie's animation cannot be saved.

NAMINE: All I get out of this is that he likes Aardman movies.

One of the other things that's about the animation is the cat. Everything from character design to animation movements, it is grotesque and rancid! If you don't know, watch and suffer for yourselves, kids.

Yeah, and don't forget the 4Kids cast. Yeah, Dan Green plays Carlos, Wayne Grayson plays Marcel, every 4Kids cast.

NOXIGAR: Every 4kids cast?

NAMINE: Every 4kids actor is presently cast in the film, I think?

NOXIGAR: Makes sense.

Luckily, it was easy to find in the English version at the end credits, as this is the only goddamn film from that studio to use the English end credits, aside from The Little Cars. I guess they have to get a paycheck easily.

NAMINE: So if we used Japanese credits at the end of our Rifftexts, do you think that would mean that we'd get paid less for not using English?
NOXIGAR: Not sure that's what he meant.

Overall, this is worse than crap. This movie questions the morals,

NAMINE: Aren't good movies supposed to question morals?

what's going on in the animation,

NOXIGAR: I don't think the movie questions anything, which is one of its faults

and how the plot is.

NOXIGAR: what the plot is

So please, rent Ratatouille instead, or many other Pixar films, even if they're good (Brave), great (The Incredibles), outstanding (WALL-E), or bad (Cars 2).

JOIN ME IN THE NEXT REVIEW!

RATATOING IS OWNED BY VIDEO BRINQUEDO/TOYLAND VIDEO (AKA: WHO THE FUCK CARES ENTERTAINMENT)

NOXIGAR: Is WHO THE FUCK CARES ENTERTAINMENT patented or-
NAMINE: Pisstake. Bad pisstake, but still a pisstake.