Difference between revisions of "Wikihood/eps/2"

Revision as of 11:01, 28 October 2018

Summary

Who's this incorrigible cuckarooni and why isn't he a Kingdom Hearts OC anymore????????

Transcript

{Open to a broad scene of Towningdale, that quickly zooms back into the apartment above the pierogi bar. The scene is voiceless, as it showcases a visual recap of what had transpired - Lex and Chaos awoke to breakfast made by Garfield, and pierogis handed out at the last minute by Volkov - who was passing by at the time. After the pierogis are accounted for, Lex and Chaos wave goodbye to Garfield as they close the front door behind them. This leaves the third roommate by his lonesome. He breathes a heavy sigh - an audio tell of the recap being over - as he watches Lex and Chaos take the ice cream truck out of the parking lot from a nearby, a wistful look in his eyes. After a few seconds of looking out the window, he turns around. He hears a faint cellphone ringtone, and heads into his room. On his bed is a cellphone, which he uses to answer the phone.}

GARFIELD: Hello?

?????????: It's been too long, my friend.

GARFIELD: ...Stephanie?

STEPHANIE: Good, you remembered me! I was afraid you wouldn't.

{An awkward pause occurs, allowing the Wikihood logo to appear and disappear for a few seconds. After the logo is gone, pan to a wanted poster on the wall. On it is Garfield in a short blonde wig, a white dress, and what appears to be an ivory notebook laptop tucked under one of his arms. At the sides of his dress, are two crimson laser-scimitars, and a caption reading "Armed and Dangerous." Below the image, is a cash reward which has been scratched out and faded, as if it had to be updated numerous times in the past.}

GARFIELD: {offscreen} To forget you would be something I would prefer not to do, if I can help it.

{Cut back to Garfield, who is briefly lying flat on the bed while still contacting Stephanie.}

STEPHANIE: What have you been up to?

GARFIELD: NoxCorp has me working from home for most of my shifts. I come in only when an emergency arises, per Xiorno's instructions.

STEPHANIE: I take it Xiorno is your boss?

GARFIELD: Yep!

STEPHANIE: Good to see that you've been able to work something out with him.

GARFIELD: It's enabled me to do a teensy bit more to spruce up our apartment. I heard we had a new guest, this Edgymancer who keeps calling himself "Chaos" for some undisclosed reason.

STEPHANIE: Edgymancer?

GARFIELD: That's my commando name for him. To put it bluntly, he seems like a surly goth guy. He and Lex go waaaaaaaayyyyyyyy back, at least that's the story I overheard yesterday.

STEPHANIE: At least he wasn't a secret Bounty Hunter?

GARFIELD: I guess. One thing I know Chaos has done so far is act haughty towards Lex. Evidently, they were supposed to live in a mansion by now, with a hot car and, I quote, "a super expensive elf servant."

STEPHANIE: I take it he's not too keen on living things out in the apartment?

GARFIELD: No.

STEPHANIE: Have you had a moment to discuss this with Lex?

GARFIELD: No. The thing about Lex is that his life outside home is... "odd," to say the least. It's hard to read him, most of the time.

{Cut to Lex's job at the mattress store. Garfield arrives with sub sandwiches.}

GARFIELD: Lex, I figured you might've been famished, so I-

{Garfield blinks and looks around to find that the lot is empty.}

LEX: Eyyy, whazzup mon? It's been a slow day, today!

GARFIELD: Lex, there's nobody here.

LEX: Those are the best days, my friend.

GARFIELD: Don't you get bored? Don't you have any coworkers? Or... a manager? Or anybody?

LEX: Hmm...

{Lex closes his eyes, and shrugs.}

LEX: All I know is that I come here for my eight hours and I get my paycheck in the mail. And honestly? That's good enough for me.

GARFIELD: I don't suppose I could... call dibs on all these mattresses? Maybe we can sell what we can't store in the garage.

LEX: You want them, you buy them.

{Cut back to Garfield on the phone. The screen then splits, showing Stephanie's end of the conversation as well. She is in her own bedroom.}

STEPHANIE: Did you buy any?

{Zoom out - on Garfield's screen - to reveal his bed being propped up by at least two mattresses.}

GARFIELD: Of course! I still thought Lex was being conned, so I did some digging and found... that he just has a naturally weird job. Speaking of jobs, what are you up to these days?

STEPHANIE: It's a long story, that I know I want to tell you. There's this restaurant in The Underground Market of Towningdale. There's probably a discount in there, if you can work your magic.

GARFIELD: No promises on the magic, but... as you wish.

{Stephanie and Garfield hang up at the same time. Garfield looks around in his closet, finding a map of Towningdale and some dinosaur action figures. He sets both down on the coffee table. Fast-forward a few minutes, where his setup is complete and he is about to proceed with planning stages.}

GARFIELD: Okay, if I use this long neck eating the star leaves to show where Spook Cliff is, then...

{The door opens as Lex and Chaos enter the room.}

LEX: Garf, we're hoooooome!

{Chaos crawls over to the couch, looking exhausted.}

CHAOS: Oh man, I am pooped. What a long day. I could go for a nap right about now.

GARFIELD: Um, you were only out for just over an hour and a half. It's still morning.

CHAOS: Hey, I had a really stressful and traumatizing experience, alright? Some kids think that I am uncool!

LEX: I don' get why ya care so much!

CHAOS: How am I supposed to do anything useful if I don't fit in?

{Garfield and Lex look at each other, then back at Chaos. They both shrug.}

GARFIELD: I've tried fitting in countless times, and I can tell you it's not worth it.

CHAOS: Like I need tips from a guy who wastes money on luxury items when HE COULD SINGLE-HANDEDLY BUY US ACTUALLY-SUITABLE REAL ESTATE.

{Garfield frowns.}

GARFIELD: Lex and I... we almost bought a house once. We just frankly didn't have the dough to cough up, owing to our mutually high standards.

LEX: This apartment is literally all we need, mon.

CHAOS: WE.

{Zoom to Chaos' face.}

CHAOS: NEED.

{Zoom to Chaos' eyes.}

CHAOS: MORE.

{Chaos' eyes gain an additional "fiery" look, which lasts for a few seconds. Afterwards, zoom back out, to normal.}

GARFIELD: I shall exile myself from this conversation.

LEX: Garf, you're doin' no wrong.

CHAOS: Oh, he's very much in the wrong here. IF YOU SPENT LESS TIME ON AUCTIONS, THEN-

{Garfield's eyes glow red. He punches Chaos in the face, knocking him out straight cold.}

LEX: I... I think that was excessive, mon.

GARFIELD: This is generous, compared to the intrusive thoughts swirling in my skull. He shall be spared my wrath, under the premise that we never have this topic come up again.

{Garfield attempts to carry Chaos' body, over to the couch. Lex assists him.}

LEX: We should probably get somethin' from Chief Beef's. I'm hungry, at least.

GARFIELD: For once, I have somewhere I need to be. I will pick something up on the way back.

{Garfield's eyes stop glowing red. He and Lex each split off in different directions, but after a few minutes they re-unite. Garfield is wearing a black coat with some silver zippers and other decorations, with the hood obscuring his face.}

LEX: Wait, you never said where you were goin'!

GARFIELD: I have a date.

LEX: You???? A date????

{Lex tilts his head in confusion.}

GARFIELD: One of my college buddies, Stephanie, has decided to come to Towningdale.

LEX: It's Townindale, mon!

{Garfield shrugs.}

GARFIELD: I've risked tooth and nail for her before. I'd give my experiences a 12/10, and do it again. Besides, I'm headed to the Underground Market. The restaurants there are almost as good as the ones in the state of Disney.

LEX: Right. So, remind me who Stephanie is?

GARFIELD: A dearly beloved friend who saved my life, during college.

{Lex ruminates on the description given. His expression changes to indicate he is partially enlightened.}

LEX: I think I remember you havin' mentioned 'er, truth be told.

{Garfield gives a thumbs-up, through black gloved hands.}

GARFIELD: Good enough for me!

{Garfield puts his hand along a wall, in an awkward pose. A few seconds pass.}

LEX: What are you-

GARFIELD: Hmph. I thought I'd get this "Corridor of Darkness" spell done perfectly by now.

{Garfield lowers his head, in shame.}

GARFIELD: I guess I'll have to travel by other means...

LEX: Why dontcha just use the ice cream truck, mon? It's far more practical than whatever cantrip you're trying t' do!

GARFIELD: I wanted Style Points.

LEX: Another thing; you kind of look ridiculous in that coat, in broad daylight.

GARFIELD: Why, thank you!

{Lex rolls his eyes, initially skeptical of Garfield's taste. However, he gives it a visibly pensive thought.}

LEX: I suppose if they can't see your face...

{Lex shrugs.}

LEX: I no longer know how to react.

GARFIELD: For now, I must bid you adieu.

{Garfield and Lex wave each other goodbye, as the former heads for the front door and closes it behind him. He heads downstairs, to the pierogi bar itself. He and Volkov wave at each other, but go about their respective business otherwise. The shot cuts to the parking lot, where Garfield gets inside of Lex's ice cream truck. As soon as he starts the truck, Tints by Anderson .Paak (feat. Kendrick Lamar) plays in the background. Zoom out to show Garfield driving to Spook Cliff with the windows open and dancing to the song, then taking some turns to head underneath where he previously drove, to go to the Underground Market. Fast-forward to a still-hooded Garfield inside a high-end restaurant, walking towards a booth with Stephanie sitting inside of it.}

GARFIELD: Well, Stephanie, I made it...

STEPHANIE: ...despite my directions?

GARFIELD: On the contrary, I needed them.

{Stephanie gets up, and hugs Garfield, who reciprocates after a second to collect his thoughts.}

STEPHANIE: This is a welcome change of pace for me, compared to how things have been at work.

GARFIELD: ...that bad?

STEPHANIE: That bad.

{Stephanie and Garfield sit on opposing ends of the booth table.}

GARFIELD: Does the fate of Republic Island still rest upon your shoulders?

STEPHANIE: All the time.

{Short pause.}

GARFIELD: Yare yare dawa. Things don't feel any different for me, most days.

STEPHANIE: Oh?

GARFIELD: I haven't been able to do much in the way of vigilante actions. I believe it had something to do with a date I was on, where this guy sold fake pills.

STEPHANIE: {chuckles} Some date that must've been, eh?

GARFIELD: I can assure you that I was nothing but a gentleman towards him.

{Cut to the studio of "DataPatriots." A large, angry, and red-faced man is sitting at a desk, loudly ranting a live television camera while holding a vial of pills.}

ANGRY CONSPIRACY PUNDIT: I'M TELLIN' YOU FOLKS, THE GLOBALISTS DON'T WANT YOU TO BE TAKING THESE PILLS! THESE PILLS WILL STOP THE SHADOW ORGANIZATIONS FROM READING YOUR THOUGHTS AND STEALING YOUR IDEAS! THIS IS AMERICA, PEOPLE!! WAKE UP! THE GOVERNMENT WANTS TO CONTROL YOUR MIND, READ YOUR THOUGHTS, AND ENSLAVE YOU, AND ONLY THESE PILLS CAN SAVE YOU!! THE NEW WORLD ORDER IS COMING, PEOPLE!!!!

{Garfield bursts in, wielding ties around his wrists and two holstered, makeshift "Arrowgun" pistols. His eyes glow red as soon as he recognizes the pundit.}

GARFIELD: You phony! Your pills are fake, and your Ponzi scheme shall be exposed, thanks to my current friends:

{Garfield takes out the pistols, from their respective holsters. The left pistol is lifted up and used to shoot the cieling.}

GARFIELD: Maxamillion...

ANGRY CONSPIRACY PUNDIT: THEY'RE COMING TO GET ME!!!

{The man runs offscreen. Garfield looks into the camera.}

GARFIELD: ...and Roxanne.

{Garfield shoots the camera with the right pistol. Cut back to Stephanie and Garfield. Stephanie's face looks a little more pale.}

STEPHANIE: How... how long ago was that?

GARFIELD: I think that was a couple months ago.

STEPHANIE: ...that would explain why your bounty went up.

GARFIELD: I figured that was some sick joke the government was playing on me.

{Stephanie pulls out her phone and types something on the screen. On the screen is an online website which has a modern picture of Garfield in his outfit - the same one as the one from the wanted poster earlier - on the front page.}

STEPHANIE: You can't keep calling these "selfies." Eventually, they're going to think of you as more than just a nuisance. I haven't mentioned you to my boss yet, because I know that - if I did - he would use your vigilantism for his own ends. I couldn't stomach to see you be exploited by others for their selfish gains, not again.

{Stephanie sighs.}

GARFIELD: I value your concern for my well-being.

STEPHANIE: It's not unusual to think that maybe things could've turned out... differently for you.

GARFIELD: You're one of the few people that knows the real me.

{Stephanie looks saddened.}

STEPHANIE: I know.

{Stephanie's expression lights up, as she gets an idea.}

STEPHANIE: Hey! How'd you meet Lex? I think I have an idea.

{Garfield gives it some thought. Cue a flashback, conveyed through a comic book "turning" back to a specific page - a still of both Garfield and Volkov, looking younger. The image remains paused, with a disc scratch being heard in the background.}

STEPHANIE: {offscreen} Wait, why are you talking about Volkov first?

GARFIELD: {offscreen} Context. It was not long after I met Volkov, that I started looking for a roommate, and found Lex in the process.

{Resume, with Garfield and Volkov at the office, in a greyed setting.}

VOLKOV: You wish to have apartment here?

GARFIELD: 'Tis all I can presently ask, milord.

VOLKOV: Can be arranged.

{Volkov takes out some papers. There's a line and some red ink.}

VOLKOV: Sign here.

{Garfield examines the papers carefully, signing only when he confidently understands how the apartment ownership will be handled.}

VOLKOV: Is Wiggins really your surname?

{"Fast-forward" as the comic book "turns" forward a few pages more, to a still of Garfield and Lex, presumptively meeting for the first time.}

LEX: Hey, thanks for answering that online ad of mine!

GARFIELD: Online ad? You mean the dating profile that kind of hints at you being a science experiment to "make the whitest Jamaican ever?"

LEX: That's the one, mon!

{Lex blinks.}

LEX: Wait, why were you looking at my dating profile...?

{Lex looks visibly confused.}

GARFIELD: You were, and still are, giving me 10 Things I Hate About You vibes.

{Lex raises a brow.}

LEX: That's a solid movie, but... this ain't a front just to smoke the ganja.

{The screen pauses.}

GARFIELD: {offscreen} I kind of assumed he was a homunculus. I've known so many people named Lex who all kind of appeared and behaved similarly to each other in alarming ways. I have yet to run any DNA tests to confirm or deny this hypothesis.

{Stephanie can be heard offscreen, guffawing wildly. Her laughter fades, as the screen unpauses and the conversation between Past Lex and Past Garfield continues.}

GARFIELD: Good to know!

LEX: You... are fine with me smokin' the ganja, though... right?

{Garfield shrugs.}

GARFIELD: I've no problem with it. I've got relatives in Phoenixshire, who grow their own crops of it. I personally steer away from it, due to asthma and second-hand smoke risks.

{Lex nods, almost understandingly.}

LEX: I gotcha, I gotcha. Wait, Phoenixshire?

GARFIELD: Yup! Lamentably, the town has moved to West Virginia. I've always remembered Phoenixshire being in Rhode Island.

LEX: I know some people there, I think. In the West Virginia one, of course.

GARFIELD: I've known many people named Lex. At least seven in my contacts also have names like "Greed Lex," "Gluttony Lex," et cetera.

LEX: Well, you can rule me out as Lust Lex. Also, I'm pretty sure I ain't a homunculus, mon!

{Both of them have a chuckle. Cut back to the present.}

STEPHANIE: I'm sorry, how many people named Lex do you know?

GARFIELD: At least eight. None of them are the Emperor Fullmetal Daddy Lex that I assume is the Original.

STEPHANIE: I... {coughs} Is there any more information on Lex that you're able to tell me?

GARFIELD: Not much, I'm afraid. His life is so odd that I sometimes doubt the current stuff I know about him. I suspect, over time, that there will be more contradictory history thrown at me.

{Stephanie takes a few more seconds, to digest what Garfield is saying.}

STEPHANIE: Hrm... alright, let's see if we can establish a pattern here. Do you know anybody else in Towningdale?

GARFIELD: There's the Bellucci family.

STEPHANIE: Wait, you mean Tracy's here, too?

GARFIELD: Yeah! He runs a mom-and-pop cereal shop aboveground. It's in a different part of towne compared to where Lex, Volkov, and I live. I think... it opened last week?

STEPHANIE: I see...

{Fast-forward to the end of the luncheon, just an hour later. Stephanie and Garfield each had an array of different entrees, which are spread throughout the table. A female Orc waitress has just returned.}

FEMALE ORC WAITRESS: Are you guys ready for the check?

{Garfield nods, and offers a hand. The waitress plants the check on him, and departs. Stephanie's eyes move to look at her.}

STEPHANIE: ...she didn't seem to like us very much...

{Garfield puts the check on the table, and gets out both a credit card and a Point Card. Under his hood, his eyes glow red.}

GARFIELD: I can kick her ass, if she gives you any lip.

{Stephanie blinks.}

STEPHANIE: That... won't be necessary, thank you.

{Garfield's eyes stop glowing.}

GARFIELD: As you wish.

{Fast-forward a few minutes later, to the outside of the restaurant.}

STEPHANIE: My lunch break ends soon. I admit, I lament not spending more time in general with you.

{Stephanie pats Garfield on the back. Garfield nods and gives her a thumbs-up. This gesture signals where they part ways. Garfield motions over to Lex's ice cream truck.}