Difference between revisions of "RiffText/B&D"

Revision as of 15:08, 7 January 2013

Adventure 1

{Dylan is sitting on the couch reading the paper. Brooks comes in from the front door with several grocery bags.}

BROOKS: I'm ho-ome!

DYLAN: Did you get the milk?

BROOKS: ..whoops, I forgot.

NOXIGAR: I purchased some magic beans instead!

DYLAN: GOD DAMMIT

the end

Adventure 2

{Dylan is using the bathroom in his and Brooks' apartment. He hears his front door open.}

BROOKS: Dylan? Where are you?

DYLAN: I'm taking the browns to the super bowl!

BROOKS: I get it!

{There is a pause}

BROOKS: Hey, is it okay if we get a cat?

DYLAN: Dude, bills are enough as is. We can't afford a cat right now.

CAT: meow

NOXIGAR: Translation: "Problem, Dylan?"

DYLAN: GOD DAMMIT

the end

Adventure 3

{Dylan and Brooks are looking at their new cat}

DYLAN: What should we name him?

BROOKS: I'm not sure...

{The cat barfs up some loose change.}

BROOKS: I got it! We'll name him Coin!

DYLAN: Hey yeah, that's a swell name!

COIN: baw

NOXIGAR: ENGLISH MOTHERFUCKER DO YOU SPEAK IT?

DYLAN: GOD DAMMIT

the end

Adventure 4 (FAN ADVENTURE)

{Dylan and Brooks are watching TV together. They are sitting in different chairs because they're not gay okay?}

DYLAN: Man, I haven't watched TV this exciting in a long time!

BROOKS: Yeah, this is pulse-pounding!

{Coin gets on Dylan's lap.}

DYLAN: Aww, hey Coin!

{Coin sits on the remote control and changes it to Oxygen.}

DYLAN: COIN GET OUT OF HERE

BROOKS: COIN GET OUT

NOXIGAR: DAMN you're harsh to the cat even though it has so few lines of dialogue and so little screentime.

{Coin leaves and cries.}

DYLAN: GOD DAMMIT

the end

Adventure 5

{Dylan walks in the apartment, with a loosened tie. He has a goofy grin on his face.}

DYLAN: Hey, Coin! That was a great first date I just went on! Where's Brooks? Broo-oks?

{silence}

DYLAN: Oh, well. Hey, my date is probably about to call me and invite me out for a second time! I can't wait!

NOXIGAR: Or the more realistic scenario is that you will be banished to the Friend Zone by the lack of a call and Brooks will call instead.

{Dylan walks over to the phone and sits next to it. Time passes. One hour later, the phone rings.}

DYLAN: Yes! {picks up the phone} Hello?

BROOKS:

NOXIGAR: TOLD YOU.

I totaled

NOXIGAR: totalled

the car.

DYLAN: GOD DAMMIT

the end

Adventure 6

{It is Sunday morning. Dylan is asleep in bed, and Brooks is all dressed up.}

BROOKS: We're going to church!

DYLAN: GOD DAMMIT

the end

NOXIGAR: So far, this is the only Adventure convenient enough to make Dylan's catchphrase funny, and only in an ironic way.

Adventure 7

{A charming young man with a >:I face walks in the doorway. He is wearing gingham and Adidas shoes.}

bluebry: i think this sucks

NOXIGAR: I agree with you.

{Dylan and Brooks look at each other.}

{They bukkake

NOXIGAR: Bukkake is not at all familair to me. Probably because I don't know Japanese.

all over bluebry.}

bluebry: gosh darnit

NOXIGAR: YAY, THE ENDING CHANGED.

{Noxigar realizes that Gosh darnit is simply a fake swear identical twin of}

NOXIGAR: GOD DAMMIT

Adventure 8

{NachoMan is at his computer. He logs on to the HRFWiki and sees that it is boring and populated exclusively by dirty thirdies. He shakes his head.}

NACHOMAN: Oh, wiki. Where did we go wrong?

NOXIGAR: Let's start at the beginning.

{Super Sam barges in.}

SUPER SAM: Fear not, I have re-opened the WUW to escape the boringness of the HRFWiki!

NACHOMAN: G--- :)

NOXIGAR: A legitimate change in

{Noxigar realizes that the smile is simply sarcasm code for}

NOXIGAR: GOD DAMMIT

Adventure 9 (FAN ADVENTURE)

{Brooks is sitting on the couch with a girl, watching TV. They are not holding hands that would be sinful.

NOXIGAR: THAT IS BLASPHEMY. THAT IS MADNESS.

Dylan walks in with a video tape in his hand.}

NOXIGAR: {imitating Dylan} GOD DAMMIT they caught me trying to sneak a tape of them having a fling OH DEAR HOW AM I GOING TO PAY THE BILLS NOW?!

DYLAN: Hey, Brooks! Who's the girl?

BROOKS: Oh, this is just my girlfriend!

NOXIGAR: {still imitating Dylan} How convenient for the tape, then!

DYLAN: Oh, lucky!

BROOKS: Hey, uh, Dylan, what were you going to do with that video tape?

NOXIGAR: {still imitating Dylan, but in sing-song} ON THE R-OAD TO NOWHERE

DYLAN: Oh, I was just going to watch some home movies!

BROOKS: Well alrighty then, I bet my girlfriend wouldn't mind!

{Dylan puts on the tape.}

NOXIGAR: Oh, so the tape isn't empty. Well that is a convenient cover-up if there ever was one.

PBTC THE CHEAT: {reading email} Yes I know, what do you think of Family Guy? Crapfully yours, A penguin. Well, Pengy. To be honest, I have never ever seen or heard of Family Guy. Now, hang on. {The Cheat pulls out a cell phone}

BROOKS: GOD DAMMIT

NOXIGAR: It's not like your girlfriend was gonna give a shit.

{Suddenly the tape cuts to a video of baby Dylan in the tub.}

BROOKS' GIRLFRIEND: What a tiny baby penis!!

NOXIGAR: Wait, so Brooks' girlfriend is actively looking at baby Dylan's penis. {starts to laugh} What is this, I don't even know?

DYLAN: GOD DAMMIT

{Noxigar cackles madly, unaware that Dylan's catchphrase is tired-out at this point}

the end

NOXIGAR: {laughing in between each word/phrase} That. Right there. Is Brooks' swag.

adventure 10

NOXIGAR: And he tried to sneak one past me a while after I finished riffing this sitcom. Nope.

{Dylan's at his laptop checkin out some pornography when he decides to go browse the wuw for the first time in what seems like forever.}

DYLAN: It's true! Here I...

{...}

GO!

{Dylan clicks on the very first link on the wuw recent changes.}

NOXIGAR: Dylan suddenly realizes how barren the place is. He wants no part in most of this, so he resumes what he's doing, doesn't do his incredibly stupid one-liner - ending the series on a high note - and thusly also ensures he can resume porno checking

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NOXIGAR: Oh right, you're checking WUW on your phone. That helps me understand this entire wall of text right here.

DYLAN: GOD DAMMIT

the end

NOXIGAR: and good riddance