Strong Man Emails/one

Strong Man gets a "Computo" and attempts to sneak into a picture house.

Characters: Strong Man, The Sneak, Old Man Bubs, Sir, The Homestar Runner

Places: Factory/Circus District, Electricity Manager, A Desk, The Tavern, The Alley, The Picturehouse (Easter egg)

Transcript

{Open to the factory-circus tent district. Music ala the one that plays in "Halloween festival" plays. Strong Man walks in, The Sneak on his shoulder. The music fades out. Strong Man's words are roared, but subtitled.}

STRONG MAN: (I 'unno The Sneak. It's just another one of those days. Like every day. Y'know? It's just annoying. It's unfair. It's times like these, like, as I said, all the time, you just want somebody from the future to hit you over the head with one of those fangled electro-devices.)

THE SNEAK: {Sneak waggles}

STRONG MAN: (Ah, The Sneak. So naive. Thinking time machines will be invented in sixty yea-)

{A blue explosion materialises from nowhere. Strong Man and The Sneak scream and the screen fades to white}

STRONG MAN: (I BLAME SIR FOR MY ANXIETIEEEEEEEE-)

{The screen fades back into them. A computer, in colour no less, sits there. It has a blocky monitor with a keyboard sitting next to it, with a mouse on top of that. It's slightly damaged and spouts the following words in Agent FB font: "Tandy Computo" These words sit on the bottom of the monitor}

STRONG MAN: (EEEEEEeeees? We're not dead? Oh. Ah, nevermind. Anyway, what's this?)

THE SNEAK: {Nose waggles}

STRONG MAN: {An electronic device, eh? Uh, how?)

THE SNEAK: {Nose waggles}

STRONG MAN: (Colossus project? Alan Turing? Obnoxious commercials? Like the brown grit ads? The ones that claim to stem creativity?)

THE SNEAK: {Nose waggles}

STRONG MAN: (I hate those guys even more than myself! Anyway, let's take this to Old Man Bubs. He should know what this is.)

{Cut to Bubs, who is at the electricity managing station, and appears to be staring deeply into an exposed wire.}

OLD MAN BUBS: Something's not quite right here...

{Strong Man and The Sneak enter}

STRONG MAN: (Uh...hey, Bubs)

{Old Man Bubs whips around, but doesn't move forward. Strong Man moves over to his position.}

OLD MAN BUBS: Hello good sir, how {The Sneak begins waggling his nose} can I help you?

STRONG MAN: (Sorry, I'm afraid that my rather rude companion here is wishing...uh, The Sneak, your vernacular is ridiculous, do I have to say it?)

THE SNEAK: {Nose waggles}

STRONG MAN: (Fine then. "Regard me too, buddy, or you'll get a back-full of switch-blade". What does that even mean?)

THE SNEAK: {Nose waggles}

STRONG MAN: (That makes more sense. He meant-)

OLD MAN BUBS: Pardon me, but are you going to buy something?

STRONG MAN: (Not quite. The Sneak and I were walking around, contemplating the meaning of life, as usual, when there was a whizz-bang, a flash and then this {He holds up the Computo} fell from the sky. Any ideas?

OLD MAN BUBS: Hmmmm...see me in 4-6 weeks.

{Silent movie-esque title: "FOUR, OR MAYBE SIX WEEKS LATER". A nice piano tune's playing.}

{Cut back. Strong Man's sitting in front of the Electric Manager, now with a Dumbledore-esque beard. Old Man Bubs walks forward, leaning over the counter}

OLD MAN BUBS: You're still here? Not a very good joke.

STRONG MAN: {Slightly slurred} (What? This is not a joke. I literally have nothing better to do than sit here for four to six weeks. Better than going to see...*Sir*)

OLD MAN BUBS: Hm. Anyway, here's your device. Apparently it's called a "Computo 1995" and you're also being bombarded with some form of letter. I attempted to send a reply by pressing "reply", but no paper came out. Besides some coming out of an orifice in the sky saying "Click here to email Strong Bad". I wish the best of luck to you.

{OMB throws the monitor at Strong Man. The screen cuts to black just as it would hit. A scream is heard. Fade to black, with Strong Man sitting at a crudely made desk. The Computo cleanly shows Strong Man's reflection.}

STRONG MAN: (So, what is this? A mirror? Guess Sir will make good use of it. He needs to keep up with the "look how ugly you are" fests. Hm, a button that could do anything. The smart thing to do would be press it.

{Strong Man presses the button. The screen flashes with a near rainbow of colours and a Mac-esque start up noise}

STRONG MAN: (MY EYES!)

{Strong Man falls off of his chair, landing on the floor below}

STRONG MAN: (THAT ODD, BRIGHT SENSATION! IT BUUUUURNS!)

{Cue card saying five minutes later covers the screen. Strong Man is back on his chair, now wearing Old Man Bub's sunglasses. He (Strong Man) is turning down the colour wheel. The screen's now In black and white.}

STRONG MAN: (Aah. That's far better. Not good though. Nothing;s ever good. Ever.)

{All of a sudden, a box pops up on the screen saying "1 new mails!"}

STRONG MAN: (What? Mail? Like, letter? Uh...let's press another button. Hey, enter.)

{Strong Man taps the enter key. The email pops up}

Dear Stong Man,
Have you ever went to the movies?
Later,
SamuelGuy10

STRONG MAN: (Uh, now what? I read it. Great. What if I type letters on this?)

{Strong Man types this}

agafffa jky6oH

STRONG MAN: (Hmm. Artistic masterpiece. I wonder how Sir'd make art? He'd probably do it 'till somebody dies. Anyway, how do I get rid of this? "Backspace". That works.)

{Strong Man erases the message and begins typing}

STRONG MAN: (Well, Mr. Samuel, I must say thanks for the letter. I appreciate it. It's the only love I'll ever get. Sir treats me li-)

{Zoom out. Sir is standing next to Strong Man}

SIR: What what?

{Strong Man practically leaps out of his chair, landing on his feet, hiding the Computo with his body}

STRONG MAN: (Nothing sir! I said nothing at all bad about you. I love you really.)

SIR: What object of importance are you rather obviously hiding behind your back!

STRONG MAN (Um...Your birthday present! I can't let you see or I'll ruin the surprise!)

{Strong Man begins quaking in fear}

SIR: My birthday was last month!

STRONG MAN: (Decemberween then! Yeah, Decemberween!)

SIR: That was two months ago, you imbecile!

STRONG MAN: (Uh...uh...VALENTINES DAY!)

{The two sit in silence for a few seconds}

STRONG MAN: (Uh...)

SIR: Humm...

STRONG MAN: (D-disregard that last statement

SIR: Disregarded entirely. Regarding my earlier statement, the item behind you back must not be a contraption that may help me conquer the world of tomorrow, when flying auto-mobiles roam the planet!

STRONG MAN: (No, because it's your easter present.)

SIR: ...very well!

{Sir leaves. Strong Man's singlet begins to moisten.}

STRONG MAN: (B-b-b-be right back...myself, I guess)

{Cut to a black screen. Sound of a toilet flushing's heard. Cut back to Strong Man at his computer monitor}

STRONG MAN: (Aaaaaaanyway. Sir, as I was going to say before he, uh...soiled me... , treats me like dirt, as that small little incident probably showed. He wouldn't dream of letting me near a picture house. Then again, I could try risking my life and sneak in. Yes! That is what I shall do! And who's better at sneaking than one of my greatest friends...The Homestar Runner.)

{Cut to the Tavern. The Homestar's sitting on a stool, next to Strong Man, who's on a similar stool. They're both nursing a bottle of "Ye olde cold stuff"}

THE HOMESTAR RUNNER: So, what's the plan, bud?

STRONG MAN: (Listen up. I'm scared of Sir. Very scared. So I'm not going to be doing any sneaking. You will though! At precisely 3: 53, I need you to sneak into the picture house with a pen and paper, then draw every pivotal scene in the film! Got it?)

THE HOMESTAR RUNNER: I've got it, pallaroonie. Say, want to clink bottles and toast to the current day?

STRONG MAN: (Aye.)

{The two clinck bottles then begin drinking from them. Homestar takes a swift gulp, but Strong Man keeps drinking for about five seconds. He then crushes it against his head and burps.}

STRONG MAN: (Pardon me.)

THE HOMESTAR RUNNER: Say, why'd you drink for so long?

STRONG MAN: (I don't know, comrade. Boxing career?

{Cut to the alley behind the picture house. Strong Man and The Homestar are sitting there. The Homestar's holding a pen and paper.}

STORNG MAN: (So, you know the plan.)

THE HOMESTAR RUNNER: Absodooly.

STRONG MAN: (Good. According to my sundial, it's 3: 53 now. Good luck!)

{Strong Man The Homestar Runner walks into the picture house. After about three seconds, Strong Man's grin drops.}

STRONG MAN: (Now what? I know! I'll try to learn how to use my nimble, nimble knees for once and learn how to dance!)

{Strong Man begins dancing. Then, The Homestar Runner's booted out the door and lands on his rear. Old Man Bubs walks out too}

STRONG MAN: (WAH!)

{The Homestar stands up}

THE HOMESTAR RUNNER: Ah, shucks.

STRONG MAN: (Old Man Bubs? How'd you find out?)

OLD MAN BUBS: I run the tavern.

STRONG MAN: (Oh. Anyway, The Homestar Runner, what'd you get drawn down?)

THE HOMESTAR RUNNER: You'll like it. It's the finest piece of art ever devised!

{The Homestar Runner holds up his drawing. A crude drawing of some cabbages and The Homestar Runner's face are on it. It's captioned "The Near Future"}

STRONG MAN: (Oh, a movie about the future, eh?)

THE HOMESTAR RUNNER: Movie?

{Cut back to the Computo}

STRONG MAN: {Typing} (Anyway Samuel, to answer your question: No, I have never been let inside a picture house. Thanks for asking!) {No longer typing} (So, how do I send this? "Send"? Okay.)

{Strong Man presses send. The computer says}

<blockquote="strongman"> No-sir-ee-bob </blockquote>

STRONG MAN: (Okay then. How about save? Can I save the letter for them?)

<blockquote="strongman"> Yeah, that's okay. </blockquote>

STRONG MAN: (Thank you for your patience.)

{The paper (or rather, the email's MS Word file shows up. The method of emailing is clicking the email adress at the top) comes down - [email protected]. Everything typed is shown.}

EASTER EGGS

• Click "The Homestar Runner" to show a clip of him watching the movie.

Easter egg transcript

{The Homestar Runner's watching the movie, dawdling on his note pad. As he dawdles, he says this-}

THE HOMESTAR RUNNER: For ever, and beyond that. For ever, and beyond that. For ever, and beyond that!

{Sir pops out behind him}

SIR: Good thing the candy counter made me remove my firearm!

• Click "love" to show Strong Man's Valentine's day card

Dear Sir,

I love you.

Yeah, Strong Man does.

Never make me does this again, thanks.

Fun facts

• "Obnoxious adverts" and "stem creativity" refer to the Mac adverts, you claim to be more creative and better than PCs in every way.
• Old Man Bubs mentions there being Paper, even saying it comes from "an orifice in the sky", even though there is no paper in this email show.
• The small text says "soiled me"
• Strong Man's sudden use of the word "comrade" and "boxing career" are references to the Russian, drink obsessed boxer named Soda Popinski in the game "Punch-out"