Difference between revisions of "Wikihood/eps/jesus"

Latest revision as of 04:42, 27 May 2019

{Open to Chaos sleeping in bed at his studio apartment at 9:30AM. His alarm begins to buzz. Chaos grunts as he tries to ignore the alarm. The alarm switches to the radio. The sound of sleigh bells ring in the background as the radio announcer, sounding like Bruce Willis, begins to speak.}

RADIO ANNOUNCER: YIPPIE-KI-YAY, MOTHER HUBBARD. This is William Bruss, and you're listening to Hollywood Radio!

{Chaos groans.}

CHAOS: Why did I let Leigh choose my radio station for me? This is so gimmicky...

RADIO ANNOUNCER: You know what day it is? Why, it's the first of December! It's the time we say goodbye to the turkey, and hello to Santa Claus! Ho ho ho, I now have a machine gun!

{The radio begins to play the first few seconds of All I Want For Christmas is You, by Mariah Carey. Immediately, Chaos slams his fist on the alarm, stopping the radio broadcast.}

CHAOS: Ughh...

{Chaos gets out of bed, revealing that he's dressed in a tank top and pink buzzy pyjama bottoms. He shuffles over to the curtains and opens them, illuminating the entire apartment. As he looks outside, his eyes widen in horror.}

CHAOS: Oh gods, no.

{Pan over to reveal that the entirety of Townindale is covered in a thick blanket of snow. Colourful lights line the streets, Salvation Army workers stand on every street corner with donation boxes, and a massive Christmas tree has been erected in the lawn of City Hall.}

CHAOS: Oh frick no.

{Chaos' eyes widen further as he looks down. He quickly puts his hand on his mouth and takes it off.}

CHAOS: What the phooey?

{Chaos' facial expression turns into one of abject horror as he runs to the bathroom. He looks at the mirror and tries to swear.}

CHAOS: Fuuuuuuu... dge.

{Pause.}

CHAOS: Frack, fuddle-duddle, fiddlesticks, golly, gee, shinola, shucks... GOSH!!

{Chaos rushes out of the bathroom, breathing heavily.}

CHAOS: This is so bugged up.

{Chaos hears the doorbell ring. He walks over and opens it. Standing outside is Lex, Garfield, and Leigh, all dressed in ugly Christmas sweaters. Lex is wearing one with Bob Marley on the front, Garfield's appears to have been hand-knitted, and Leigh's has images of Gizmo and the Gremlins from the hit 80s movie.}

LEX, GARFIELD, AND LEIGH: Merry Christmas, Chaos!!

CHAOS: It's just gone December, what the heck is wrong with you people?

{The three let themselves into Chaos' apartment.}

CHAOS: {Sarcastically} Please, make yourselves at home.

{Lex flops onto Chaos' couch.}

LEX: Isn't it great, mon? Christmas is here!

CHAOS: Not for twenty-five goshdarn days!

LEIGH: But it's so fun! Why have one day of Christmas when you can have an entire month of it?

{Leigh and Lex high-five. Chaos turns to Garfield.}

CHAOS: You don't seem as enthusiastic as these two. What's your deal?

GARFIELD: I let them rope me into this. Christmas has rather negative connotations back in my household...

CHAOS: Oh yeah? What gives?

GARFIELD: Well, that and Thanksgiving were the two times each year where both sides of my family used to come together and it was always a shitshow.

{Cut to a flashback of Garfield as a kid, sitting in the middle seat of a large dinner table covered with an assortment of food, ranging from turkey and mash potatoes to eggplant stew and cornbread. Sitting next to him is his younger sister, who looks equally discomforted by the general goings-on. Opposite of him is a young Virgil, who smiles and waves. Around the table are his Latino relatives and his Anglo-Saxon relatives, all embroiled in a large and violent argument with each other over economics. Multiple voices are embroiled in loud, incomprehensible chatter. Garfield's mother, a Latino woman in a purple dress named Eleanor, smiles as she tries to ignore the fighting.}

ELEANOR: Isn't this a lovely dinner? Abuelita helped me cook the turkey.

{Garfield puts his head down as more family members argue.}

UNCLE ARTURO: I'm telling you now, we did not escape Castro just to get Obama over here. Now-

{Garfield's dad - Jim - comes out of the kitchen, holding a freshly baked pumpkin pie. He looks timid.}

JIM: Who's ready for dessert?

{Cut back to the present day.}

GARFIELD: It would be nice to have a Christmas with people who don't incessantly argue about politics.

LEIGH: Yeah! Instead, we can argue about things which really matter, like which Golden Girl is the best o-

CHAOS: Rose.

LEX: Ya, mon. No contest.

GARFIELD: I'm partial to her as well, myself.

LEIGH: Alright. I guess we can't argue about that.

{Chaos walks over to his fridge and opens the door. He pulls out a bottle of beer and removes the cap with a small magical spell.}

CHAOS: I doubt you guys came here to bother me for no reason. What's up?

LEX: We were talkin', and we decided on having this gigantic Christmas celebration at the restaurant. Volkov's closin' early on Friday so that we can do it. We want you to come, mon.

CHAOS: Uhuh.

{Chaos takes a swig from the bottle.}

CHAOS: Wait, hold on. Before you say anything more, do any of you guys want a beer?

LEX: Hell yeah, I'll take a Bartleby Classic.

{Chaos tosses a bottle at Lex, who catches it.}

GARFIELD: I'll have an Eozerweiss.

{Chaos hands a bottle to Garfield.}

LEIGH: Are we really drinking in the morning?

CHAOS: Yeah? You 'got a problem with that?

{Pause.}

LEIGH: Gimme a Raid IPA.

{Chaos gives Leigh the bottle. All three open theirs at the same time. Cut to them sitting on the couch while Chaos is sitting in a chair of his own.}

CHAOS: I don't know guys, I've never really been a kind of Christmas person. I'm barely even a Yule person.

LEIGH: Come on man, it'll be fun!

LEX: Ya, ya getta hang out with friends 'nd stuff!

CHAOS: Ughhhhh. Can't we like, celebrate Festivus, instead?

LEIGH: You mean that fake holiday inspired by that guy who writes for Seinfeld?

CHAOS: The very same. We put up a blank steel pole instead of a Christmas tree, and we eat a Pepperidge Farm cake with M&Ms in it. Then we could air grievances with each other and perform the Feats of Strength, in which you'll all try to tackle me down. It could be a meaningful and symbolic night without Christian Overtones and forced commercial spending.

GARFIELD: I'm gonna keep it real with you, chief. That sounds like absolute shit.

CHAOS: Bah, humbug! In that case, no! I'll give the Christmas party a miss. I hope you guys have fun, at least.

{Chaos stands up and lifts everyone up from the couch.}

CHAOS: It was nice seeing you guys, but it turns out that I am very, very, very busy today! I'll talk to you all later!

{Chaos shoos them out of his apartment building.}

LEX: Are ya sure ya-

CHAOS: Yes!!

{Chaos slams the door on them and walks to his fridge. He sighs as he takes another bottle from it. Cut to Lex, Garfield, and Leigh in the hallway.}

LEIGH: Seriously, what is that guy's problem?

GARFIELD: Beats me.

LEX: Chaos is just his own kind of grumpy, I guess? Come on, we can at least get everybody else on board for this party.

{The three walk to the elevator to leave the apartment complex. Cut back to Chaos.}

CHAOS: Christmas can suck a fat one.

{Chaos walks over to the cupboard. He pulls out a bowl and a box of "Calci-O's." He sets them on his table before he walks over to the fridge and pulls out a bottle of milk. He walks back to the table and tilts the box over the bowl. Nothing comes out. He looks inside to find that it's empty. In anger, he throws it across the room. Cut to Leigh, Garfield, and Lex eating from large bowls of cereal in Surreal Cereals. Tracy is leaning at the counter while holding a steaming cup of coffee. On his head is a santa hat.}

TRACY: A Christmas party, huh? Gee, if I did that, I'd have to close up shop early...

GARFIELD: Come on, Tracy. We haven't been to a party together since magic school. I'm sure the customers wouldn't mind an early closing, especially as you don't seem to get many in the first place, other than the hipsters.

LEX: And who cares about them?

HIPSTER: {Offscreen} Hey, that's just mean!

LEX: It's tha' truth!

TRACY: Hm. It would be nice to get away from this place for a while. Sure, why not.

LEIGH: That's great! Glad to have you with us!

TRACY: Who else is coming?

LEIGH: Uhh...

GARFIELD: You're the first one we asked who said yes, actually.

TRACY: What? Isn't the Big-C comin'?

LEX: Who?

TRACY: Chaos, that emo bloke you guys hang around with.

LEX: Nah. He decided that he wanted to be a big ol' Scroogy McScroogyface instead.

TRACY: That's a shame. How about that creepy hacker girl?

GARFIELD: I'll be surprised if she's even willing to leave her cave. She seems more anti-social than Chaos is.

LEIGH: We could still try her. Ooh, and I could invite Jules and Gordon too!

LEX: Wait. I think I know how to get Chaos to come. Let's go to Town Hall.

LEIGH: Are we invitin' the mayor?

LEX: No, we're inviting Chaos.

{Cut to Chaos at the grocery store, pushing a shopping trolley which is full of assorted boxes of cereal. The store is covered in Christmas decorations and blaring from the loudspeaker is Last Christmas, by Wham. Chaos grimaces as he tries to block the sound of Christmas music from his mind. As he walks over to the milk aisle, his phone rings. He picks it up, and on the other end is Noelle.}

NOELLE: Felix!!

CHAOS: Oh, hey Noelle! What's up?

NOELLE: Are you coming to Lex's Christmas Party? He and his friends just came around to tell me about it! It sounds really fun!

CHAOS: I-... uh-...

NOELLE: I asked them if you were coming too, and they acted really coy about it. They couldn't give me a straight answer, so I figured I'd just ask you myself. Are you gonna be there?

CHAOS: Uh-... of course I am! Haha, why wouldn't I be?

NOELLE: That's great! I am so happy to hear that! I just love Christmas!

CHAOS: Hah, I guess that explains your name, huh?

NOELLE: Oh no, that's because I was born nine months after Christmas.

CHAOS: So why would your parents call you- oh. Ohhhhh. Now I understand.

NOELLE: Yeaaah. Oh jeez, I made this awkward, didn't I?

CHAOS: It's cool. Anyway, I'm doing a bit of grocery shopping at the moment. Is it alright if I get back to you?

NOELLE: Totally! I have to get back to work anyway. I can't wait to see you there! Bye!

CHAOS: Bye!

{Chaos hangs up.}

CHAOS: Gosh darn it, Lex.

{Chaos sighs. Cut to Chaos walking through the street in the snow, carrying two large bags of groceries. Random townsfolk greet him as he walks by.}

TOWNSPERSON #1: Merry Christmas!

CHAOS: Yeah, you too.

TOWNSPERSON #2: Happy Holidays!

CHAOS: Yeah, same.

TOWNSPERSON #3: Joyeux Noel!

CHAOS: Omelette du Fromage.

{As more and more people start to greet Chaos, his walking becomes more sporadic until it turns into full-on running. He runs through the streets, dropping his groceries in the process, all to avoid the Christmas greetings. He runs into a nearby building for shelter. To his shock and horror, he realizes that he ran into the Centaur Creek Shopping Mall. His eyes widen as he sees tinsel lining the storefronts, the jingling of bells, and the screaming of exciting children who are going Christmas shopping with their parents. He panics as he tries to back away, but a large flurry of customers burst through the entrance, carrying him further into the mall. He attempts to swim back out, but is unsuccessful as he is dragged to the middle of the mall, where he's greeted by the sight of a large and ornate Christmas tree towering above his head. He looks down, to realize that he's sitting on the lap of a Mall Santa.}

MALL SANTA: Ho-ho-ho! You seem a little big for a visitor, but you're welcome nonetheless! What's your name?

CHAOS: I'm... I'm...

MALL SANTA: What's wrong, son?

{Chaos hyperventilates as he climbs off of the mall Santa. He screams as he runs away.}

MALL SANTA: What a strange man. Hm.

{Cut to Chaos running through the mall as he desperately tries to avoid Christmas.}