Wikihood/eps/7

Summary

Instead of returning to crime, Chaos gets the bright idea of getting a job. He hates it.

Transcript

{Open to Chaos watching television on the living room couch at noon during a weekday, with his feet resting on the bag of ski essentials that he bought in Episode 4. Lex and Garfield are at work. Chaos is alone, and he is bored and irritable. He sighs. He flicks through the television channels, commenting on each one. Each channel shows archetypically mundane daytime television, from house redecoration and cooking shows to golf.}

CHAOS: Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored.

{Chaos carries on flicking through the channels. He lands on an international news channel. A dwarven gentleman with a posh English accent and a well-tailored suit is presenting in front of giant globe. The globe looks similar to the one we have in real life, but close inspection shows the presence of several more islands and an extra continent in the South Pacific Ocean.}

THROVIN IRONBROW: My name is Throvin Ironbrow and you are watching CBB News International. The Democratic Elven Republic of North Syllahona has considered the possibility of nuclear disarmament after re-establishing diplomatic relations with the human domain. In a joint statement with President Nithea Valodue of South Syllahona, the illusive Supreme Leader, Eltaor Joven-Yun has agreed to engage in talks with the United Nations.

CHAOS: Oh joy. Politics.

THROVIN IRONBROW: Despite a long history of hostility towards the human domain, North Syllahona has famously maintained diplomatic relations with the Republic of Pulau Syurga, which is located in South East-Asia, even enjoying diplomatic visits from its leader, General Agostino Torratz. Some speculate that Torratz could play a part in peace talks between the human domain and the Elven Republic, while others fear that his long history of human rights abuses may complicate the issue further, as-

{Chaos turns the television off. He lifts his arms to stretch and he yawns.}

CHAOS: Bored. Ugh, is there ANYTHING to do?

{A vision of Garfield appears in Chaos' mind.}

GARFIELD: You could always get a job. You've been here for long enough, now it's time to pull your own weight.

{A vision of Lex also appears.}

LEX: Ya, mon. Quit bein' such a freeloader and get your ass off the couch! Get a job, mon!

CHAOS: Shut up! You two aren't even real! You're the manifestations of my guilt!

{The visions disappear. A new vision appears of an elderly man in exquisite battle robes, long dark-grey hair, and a black beard. Despite his advanced age, the man is significantly physically fit, with a presence that is particularly intimidating and legendary. The man roars at Chaos.}

????: FELIX!!!

CHAOS: Don't you even bother. I am not doing this today, not ever.

{That vision also vanishes.}

CHAOS: Ugh. Maybe it is time to get a job.

{Chaos looks at the bag of ski essentials.}

CHAOS: Or at least something temporary... until I can really make some good money. Yeah!

{Zoom in on Chaos' face.}

CHAOS: It's time to go JOB HUNTING.

{Zoom out to reveal more of the apartment complex that Chaos is exiting from. In the pierogi shoppe below, Leigh and Gordon come into the scene.}

GORDON: I swear, Leigh. There's this lad who makes some of the finest pierogis I've ever 'ad!

{Leigh looks around.}

LEIGH: Gonna keep it real with you chief, I am not really in the "pierogi" mood.

{Volkov enters with a fresh tray of pierogis.}

VOLKOV: DID SOMEONE SAY NOT IN THE PIEROGI MOOD?!

{Volkov throws a pierogi into Leigh's mouth.}

VOLKOV: Your day not begin until you've had my pierogies!

{Leigh begins nervously chewing on the pierogi. He proceeds to chew a little more confidently once he realizes it tastes good. He swallows, not long after.}

LEIGH: Wow, these pierogis are good!

GORDON: I told you, lad! I told you these pierogies are amazin'!

{Leigh proceeds to have more pierogis. Gordon follows suit, not long after. Cut to Garfield at Surreal Cereals sees Tracy. Tracy greets him in the fake Cockney accent.}

TRACY: 'Ello mate, welcome t'Surreal Cereals! What would ya li-

{Tracy switches to a natural Californian accent.}

TRACY: Oh, hey, Garfield!

GARFIELD: {whispering} I'm here to deliver a resume to your head honcho.

{Tracy looks around.}

TRACY: I thought things at NoxCorp were swimmingly well?

{Garfield shakes his head.}

GARFIELD: {whispering} Not for me. For Chaos.

{Garfield gives a sheet of paper to Tracy.}

TRACY: I, uh, will give his number a call.

{Garfield smiles, giving Tracy a thumbs-up.}

GARFIELD: {whispering} Thanks. I hear he's a Wizard so I figured he might want some help fitting into Towningdale. Know any other fine establishments with Wizards in them?

TRACY: Why are you whispering?

{Garfield points at a crowd of hipsters that are eyeing him as he's talking to Tracy.}

GARFIELD: {whispering} I'm being watched.

TRACY: Mate, they're harmless.

{Garfield closes his eyes.}

GARFIELD: {whispering} That's what you said last time.

TRACY: I appreciate you giving me a new contact.

GARFIELD: {whispering} Do you still have the Pumpkin Spice Chocolate Deluxe cereal? I'd like it with a Pepsi, if at all possibru.

{Tracy goes over the stock of cereals.}

TRACY: We have it.

{Garfield slips Tracy a $20.}

GARFIELD: {whispering} How big are your mason jars and how big are your Pepsi cups?

{Garfield slips Tracy a second $20.}

TRACY: You sound like you're coming in here with criminal intent.

GARFIELD: {whispering} No. I have yet to shave my entire body, put on a white dress, dye my hair blonde, and find the right pair of thigh-highs and Timbs from Nooyawk to go with-

{Tracy's face whitens.}

GARFIELD: {whispering} What?

TRACY: Let's discuss this in a booth, shall we? I'll be there in a sec, I just need to make myself a cuppa.

{Garfield heads toward a booth. Tracy quickly makes himself a cup of drip coffee and brings it over to the booth along with Garfield's items. He sits down.}

TRACY: So... this "Chaos" fellow. Another wizard, eh? How did you hear of him?

GARFIELD: He's my housemate. And yeah, he conjured up a storm at the bank a couple of days ago!

{Tracy scoffs.}

TRACY: That's hardly befitting for a wizard. I'm pretty sure storms are meant to be created outside.

{Tracy tries to take a sip from his cup, but recoils as it's too hot for him.}

TRACY: Ow, damn it.

{Tracy levitates his spoon and silently casts a spell on it to automatically stir the coffee in the cup. Garfield chuckles.}

TRACY: What's his actual name, anyway? Presuming it's not actually Chaos, because that would be kinda fuckin' cringe.

GARFIELD: Coming from the guy who used to call himself "Darkheart."

TRACY: Touche.

GARFIELD: But no, his real name is Felix. Felix... Abraxas Zabat, if I recall?

{Tracy raises an eyebrow.}

TRACY: Abraxas, you say? He's not related to The Great Malifact, is he?

GARFIELD: I have absolutely no idea who that is.

TRACY: Oh man, he is a huge deal among magic users. His trading card is incredibly hard to obtain, like, it goes for big money on eBay auctions.

GARFIELD: That tells me nothing!

TRACY: Sorry, sorry. But yeah, I know some people. Ordinary people, I mean. For an ordinary job. Not wizardy people for a wizardy job. You can tell him that he's always welcome to attend our monthly meetings, though. I'll give you our pamplet so you can give it to him.

{Tracy pulls a pamphlet out of his pocket and hands it to Garfield.}

GARFIELD: Thanks, Tracy. And this Great Malifact guy?

TRACY: Just Google him. He's practically a celebrity! It would be cool if your friend was related to him, though!

{Tracy stands up.}

TRACY: Anyhoo, it's time to get back to work. I'll make a phone call right now. I know of a place that's hiring! It's... not very good, though.

GARFIELD: I'm sure it will be fine.

{Cut to Chaos pacing around the living room while reading from the "jobs" section of the newspaper.}

CHAOS: Unqualified... unqualified... unqualified- Oh hey, I'm qualified for that one- Oh goddamn it, it's in Rivergate, that's miles away! Shame, really. I would have loved to work in a clock museum. Ugh.

{Chaos slumps down on the couch and sighs.}

CHAOS: It's gonna take a long time to get a job in this economy.

{Suddenly, Chaos' phone rings. He answers it.}

CHAOS: Hello?

{Phone mumblings. Chaos' eyes widen.}

CHAOS: Wait? Really? Without an interview? Seriously? Like that? Right now? Wow. Thank you! I'll be right there!

{Minimum Wage by They Might Be Giants plays as the scene cuts to the exterior of a large supermarket named "HappyMart Supercentre." The logo of the building is on the facade of the building. One notable trait is the smiley face, done to create a sense of artificial happiness. Cut to the store office. the music is now more muffled, coming from the store intercom. Chaos is in a uniform with a yellow happy face on it, standing in a formation with the other new employees, all which have been reduced to complete uniformity. The store manager, a blonde white woman with a permanent smile on her face, walks in, accompanied by two white human male security guards who are also blond. She speaks to the employees in an incredibly grating faux-positive voice.}

MANAGER: Hello, new employees! My name is Felicia, and I am your new manager!

{Felicia walks forward, inspecting each employee as she talks.}

FELICIA: I welcome each and every one of you into the service of HappyMart!

{Felicia gestures to the walls of the office, which are plastered with smiley faces and faux-inspirational slogans.}

FELICIA: You are surrounded by the symbols and the standards of HappyMart, emphasizing the importance of service with a happy face! You are HappyMart. When you act, the customers act. When you smile, the customers smile! Loyalty is the key to working at HappyMart, and to reflect that, we shall perform our first exercise! Shall we begin?

{Cut to Chaos marching in a formation with new employees to the beat of a drum. At the formation is a bandleader. Felicia is observing the employees from above, watching from an office balcony. The employees chant in unison to the beat of the drum.}

EMPLOYEES: HERE WE MARCH. WE ARE READY TO DELIVER GOOD SERVICE WITH A SMILE. HAPPYMART!

{The formation stop their march. The band leaders turn to the employees in the front of the formation.}

BAND LEADER: Employee, where are you from?

NEW EMPLOYEE #1: I AM FROM TOWNINDALE.

{The band leader turns to the next employee, and to each subsequent one.}

BAND LEADER: And you, employee?

NEW EMPLOYEE #2: FROM BLUEHAVEN.

BAND LEADER: And you?

NEW EMPLOYEE #3: FROM PINE CREEK.

{Lastly, the band leader turns to Chaos.}

BAND LEADER: And you?

CHAOS: Well, um, I'm new here, actually. I was originally born in Norway, but my parents traveled around a lot and-

BAND LEADER: MARCH!

{Chaos is shut up and taken off-guard as the employees carry on marching while chanting.}

EMPLOYEES: HAPPY PEOPLE, HAPPY SERVICE, HAPPY CUSTOMERS, HAPPY MART.

BAND LEADER: WE ARE ALL AT WORK TOGETHER!

EMPLOYEES: IN THE SERVICE INDUSTRY!

BAND LEADER: WE GUARANTEE GOOD SERVICE!

EMPLOYEES: WITH A SMILE!

BAND LEADER: WE WORK HARD AND STAY LOYAL TO THE COMPANY!

EMPLOYEES: TO HAPPYMART!

{The employees finish their march as they are standing below the balcony with Felicia watching them. She nods and the band leader lifts up a flag with a happy face.}

FELICIA: NOW GO OUT THERE AND SPREAD YOUR HAPPINESS TO THE CUSTOMERS... WITH A SMILE!!

{Skip to the store during business hours. It is swarming with customers as all the employees work in a uniform fashion, all while they are being inspected by the security guard patrols and the security cameras. Chaos is working in the check-out station, serving customers with a grim look on his face. A middle-aged man walks to the till, holding an energy drink in his hand. Chaos greets him.}

CHAOS: Welcome to HappyMart, here to deliver service with a smile. Is this all you'll be getting?

MIDDLE-AGED MAN: Yeh.

{The man puts the can on the counter and Chaos scans it. It comes up as $1.30.}

CHAOS: That'll be... a dollar and thirty cents, please.

MIDDLE-AGED MAN: A'ight. I'll pay in cash. 'old on.

{Chaos has his hand out as the man takes an assortment of coins out from his pocket and proceeds to slowly count them, ignoring Chaos' hand as he puts each individual coin on the counter in front of his hand. Chaos gives him a "are you kidding me?"-type look. As the man slowly counts each coin, Chaos is becoming visibly less patient as he tries to pick each coin individually from the counter, having trouble in doing so.}

MIDDLE-AGED MAN: A dollar ten... a dollar fifteen... a dollar twenty... a dollar twenty-five...- aw, shit. I'm short five cents. Mind lettin' that go?

{At this point, a long line-up has gathered.}

CHAOS: Yeah, sure. Go ahead.

{The man takes the drink and leaves. This action is sighted by one of the security guards who does not say anything, but moves off-screen. The next customer arrives. This customer is an older blonde woman in bad spray tan, wearing trashy and revealing clothing that shows too much of her saggy cleavage. She greets Chaos in a seductive tone.}

RISQUE WOMAN: Well hello there, handsome stranger. Are you on the menu?

CHAOS: Uh...

{The woman puts a skimpy pair of lingerie on the counter and winks at Chaos. He is taken aback, but scans the item.}

CHAOS: That'll be nine dollars.

RISQUE WOMAN: I'll pay with cash.

{The woman digs deep into her cleavage and pulls out a sweaty $10 bill. This time, Chaos doesn't want to touch it. He carefully grabs it by the edge and places it into the cash register. Chaos pulls out a dollar to give to her, but she refuses it.}

RISQUE WOMAN: You can keep the change, sweetheart.

{The woman leaves. Following her is an elven couple with several items, including shampoo, deodorant, and dish soap. Chaos begins to scan their items.}

ELVEN HUSBAND: Do you have any freebies?

CHAOS: I don't think so?

{The husband points to a packet of gum.}

ELVEN HUSBAND: How about that?

CHAOS: Uh, you have to pay for that.

ELVEN HUSBAND: Pfft. Okay.

{The wife rolls her eyes. Chaos continues scanning the items, but runs into trouble scanning the dish soap.}

ELVEN HUSBAND: Ooh, it doesn't scan! Does that mean it's free?

ELVEN WIFE: Valindor, please!

ELVEN HUSBAND: Just having some fun, jeez.

CHAOS: ...that will be twenty-five dollars, please.

{The husband pulls some money from his pocket.}

ELVEN HUSBAND: I just conjured it this morning, hah!

{Chaos fake-laughs while the wife visibly cringes. She practically drags him out as he maintains a stupid grin. Cut to Garfield, who is still in Surreal Cereals, but now sitting with the hipsters, who are far more interested in him than they were with Chaos in Episode 2. Incidentially playing on the cafe radio is Shiny Happy People, by REM.}

GARFIELD: ...it was then where I realized that if I ever were a Disney villain, I'd wind up being Doofenschmirtz.

FEMALE HIPSTER: Oh man, Phineas and Ferb is the best! But why, though?

GARFIELD: A lot of reasons, truth be told. Mostly an awkward backstory and "tends to be comic relief more than seen as legit."

MALE HIPSTER: Yeah dude, I hear ya. Sometimes I feel like background dressing, you know? Like someone created to fill space, blending in the crowd in spite of my attempts to defy uniformity. I mean, look at my manbun.

GARFIELD: That is a very nice manbun if I ever saw one, myself!

{Tracy walks towards the table, holding another bowl of Pumpkin Spice Chocolate Deluxe.}

TRACY: Aaaand here is your fifteenth bowl. Enjoy, guv'nor.

GARFIELD: Say, I wonder how Chaos is doing with his new job?

TRACY: It's already been about three hours, I just wonder if he'll survive the shift.

{One of the hipsters catches wise, and starts texting on their smartphone. They then send it Garfield's way; "This 'Chaos' dude... is he the one that tried talking to us a few weeks ago?"}

GARFIELD: I think so.

{Garfield sends the phone back.}

FEMALE HIPSTER: Yeah, there was this bloke in emo clothes who was insufferably awkward with us.

{Garfield strokes his own chin.}

GARFIELD: Honestly, I could out-emo Chaos.

{Several of the hipsters do a spittake.}

INTERSEX HIPSTER: I feckin' knew it.

{Garfield closes his eyes and sighs. The hipsters all get up.}

FEMALE HIPSTER: We've all got places to be, but we did intend to attend a concert if you'd like to hang out with us some time?

GARFIELD: I'm afraid I have to pass on this one. I'm sure I'll see you guys 'round.

{Tracy blinks. Garfield resumes scarfing down his cereal, while the Hipsters all leave. Cut to Chaos, who looks more exhausted. He is being accosted by an Orc mother surrounded by six bratty children who are running around and screaming. She is angrily holding up a box of cereal.}

ORC MOTHER: BUT THE SIGN OVER THERE SAYS IT WAS $2, NOT $2.20!! YOU'RE TRYING TO MY MONEY, AREN'T YA?

CHAOS: It's the tax, it's not included in the price! This is America, that's standard!

ORC MOTHER: DON'T YOU TALK BACK TO ME! THE SIGN SAID $2, AND I AM GONNA GET IT FOR $2! I DEMAND TO SEE YOUR MANAGER!

{Felicia immediately shifts into the frame, wearing her trademark smile.}

FELICIA: Oh no! Is there a problem?

ORC MOTHER: YOU BET MY SWEET ORC ASS THERE'S A PROBLEM. THIS MAN IS TRYIN' TO STEAL MY MONEY, CHARGING ME TWENTY CENTS MORE THAN WHAT THE SIGN SAID! IS THIS THE KIND OF SERVICE THAT YOU ALWAYS HAVE HERE?

FELICIA: Not at all! The customer is always right!

{Felicia gets into the booth, pushing Chaos away from the machine. She re-scans the item and types a few things into the computer, lowering the overall price by twenty cents. She gives the box to the mom while the children around her carry on running around and screaming. She then pulls out a $20 gift certificate and hands it to the mother.}

FELICIA: Here is a $20 gift certificate for your troubles! Have a nice day, ma'am!

ORC MOTHER: YOU SHOULD FIRE THAT SON OF A BITCH! HE'S MAKING YOUR COMPANY LOOK BAD!

{The mother leaves with her children. Felicia also leaves, all while keeping an eye on Chaos. Some time later, Chaos looks absolutely frazzled.}

CHAOS: Service with a smile... Service with a goddamn smile...

{The sides of chaos's mouth start to twitch as he starts looking more psycho than happy. A customer comes to his queue with but one item. Chaos moves it over the scanner but it will not scan.}

CHAOS: Oh no. No no no no no.

CUSTOMER: Huh, must mean it's free.

{Chaos starts laughing hysterically falling over on the floor}

CUSTOMER: Dude, it wasn't that funny.

{Chaos continues laughing, the repeated joke breaking him}

CHAOS: Eight! EIGHT GODDAMN TIMES!!!!

{The customer is made very uncomfortable, and just leaves 5 bucks on the counter and leaves, he forgets his item. The intercom sounds.}

FELICIA: Can Felix Zabat please come to my office? Thank you.

{Cut to Felicia sitting at the table in her office. Behind her is a large painted portrait of her in-uniform. Chaos is sitting in front of her. She continues to smile.}

FELICIA: I've been hearing a lot of complaints about you, Mr. Zabat.

CHAOS: You... have? It's my first day!

FELICIA: Don't talk back to me. But yes, I have received several reports of insubordination from you already.

{Felicia stands up and walks around her desk before sitting on it, right in front of Chaos.}

FELICIA: Now, look around you. What is the main rule of HappyMart?

{Chaos looks around to see the smiley faces and slogans.}

CHAOS: Service... with a smile?

{Felicia gets close to Chaos' face and yells. He is taken aback by this.}

FELICIA: EXACTLY!!!!!

{Felicia moves back and goes back to her default smiling state.}

FELICIA: When you serve the customers, you are to show them your happiest face at all times. Yet all I've seen from you is discontent. Secondly, our cameras spotted you pocketing change.

CHAOS: Are you talking about that dollar? That customer told me to keep the change! It was the least I could do, considering I had to handle her sweaty boob money!

FELICIA: Taking tips is forbidden under HappyMart rules. Your money comes from your salary. This is a first-time offense, however. So you can keep that dollar as a gift. Now, what do you say?

CHAOS: Thank you?

FELICIA: You're welcome.

{Felicia stands up and paces around the room.}

FELICIA: You see, HappyMart prides itself on delivering great service to its customers with a smile. But in order to do that, we do require compliance. Come, look at this.

{Felicia walks over to the balcony and gestures Chaos to look. She motions over to the floor, where all the employees are uniformly stocking shelves and serving customers in a manner that resembles the Moloch scene from Metropolis. They are all wearing smiles while doing so.}

FELICIA: Each and every one of these workers are pledging their loyalty to HappyMart, and all of them are doing it with a smile. At HappyMart, we don't just help our customers, we help our employees too. The people we hire come from an assortment of backgrounds, such as students, impoverished people, elderly people, and even some homeless people.

CHAOS: You mean... all the people who have no choice?

FELICIA: Exactly! We are the good guys! And did you know that HappyMart is the largest-expanding company on Republic Island?

{Chaos steps back.}

CHAOS: Wait. How much am I getting paid here, anyway?

FELICIA: You're being paid the generous wage of $7.50 an hour!

{Zoom in on Chaos' face.}

CHAOS: Are you FUCKING KIDDING ME?!

FELICIA: Why, Mr. Zabat, I do not tolerate that sort of language and insubordination from someone like you!

CHAOS: Oh go fuck yourself. I've spent six hours in this dump, having to deal with the most annoying and horrible people! And... and... you! My god, you are possibly the worst boss I have ever met. Service with a smile? The customer is always right? YOU GAVE A TWENTY DOLLAR GIFT CERTIFICATE FOR SOMEONE WHO WAS BITCHING OVER TWENTY CENTS! THAT MAKES NO SENSE!

FELICIA: You better watch what you say next, because it will bite you on the behind, mister.

CHAOS: I HAVE ONLY ONE THING TO SAY. I QUIT. I QUIT, I QUIT, I QUIT, I QUIT. BYE, FELICIA! Wait, no. I actually have another thing to say.

{Chaos looks at the intercom system. Cut to the employees and customers on the floor as the intercom sounds while scuffling can be heard.}

CHAOS: YOU ARE ALL A BUNCH OF CUN-

{Cut to Chaos being forcibly escorted out of the store by the security guards, who forcibly throw him out of the front doors.}

CHAOS: YOU FUCKERS ARE KILLING SMALL BUSINESSES ANYWAY!

{Chaos picks himself up and dusts himself off. He notices a flier that is stuck on his shoe. He picks it up and looks at it. It is an advertisement for Xavier D'Arque's fundraiser at the Rosenberg Association, which is being supported by HappyMart.}

CHAOS: Interesting...

{Cut to Garfield and Tracy, who are now alone in Surreal Cereals. Tracy is drinking another cup of coffee while Garfield is still eating cereal.}

TRACY: Y'know man, I don't think it's that healthy to so much cereal at once.

GARFIELD: Nonsense! Pumpkin Spice Chocolate Deluxe is part of nutritionous and balanced breakfast!

{Tracy shrugs.}

TRACY: A'ight. Just warnin' ya, bro.

{Tracy's phone rings. He answers it. Yelling can be heard on the other end of the line. Before he can even say anything, it's hung up.}

TRACY: Yikes, man.

GARFIELD: What's wrong?

TRACY: It's your friend. He quit and then got fired.

GARFIELD: How is that even possible?

TRACY: He apparently called all the customers and employees "a bunch of cun-"

{Cut to Lex, sleeping at his job at the Mattress Warehouse. Chaos walks in through the front doors, waking Lex up.}

CHAOS: Yo, Lex. I quit my job, so I'm gonna chill with you for a-...

{Chaos notices that the store is almost entirely empty.}

CHAOS: Bit?

{Chaos looks at Lex.}

CHAOS: There's nobody here.

LEX: Yeah, mon. It's usually this dead here. It's great.