Wikihood/eps/6

Overview

It is Friday on a Bank Holiday, and the gang face their toughest challenge yet. Utility bills.

Transcript

{It is 8:00AM in the morning, during breakfast time. Lex is guzzling down his cereal like there is no tomorrow, while Garfield is drinking a glass of some indeterminate liquid which is glowing a suspicious blue. Chaos is in the kitchen, preparing chicken while singing to himself, to the tune of "Ignition Remix" by R. Kelly.}

CHAOS: This is the remix to Ignition,
Chaos is making chicken
Marinate it with sauces
and then Chaos is gonna be grilling!

{Lex takes a pause momentarily with his food to put his head up and focus his attention on Chaos. Garfield gets up from his seat and moves off-screen after finishing his liquid.}

LEX: Are you singing, mon? While makin' chicken for breakfast?

CHAOS: Yeah? What's it to ya?

LEX: Oh, it's nothin'. Just noticin'.

{Garfield returns while holding a copy of the newspaper and reading from it.}

GARFIELD: Say, did you guys hear about the old theatre from across the road? It’s apparently scheduled for a re-opening.

LEX: Oh, that's the D'Arque Theatre, isn't it? How old is it, now?

GARFIELD: About as old as the town itself, I believe. It’s been what, like... 40 or so years since it shut down originally?

{Chaos rolls his eyes.}

CHAOS: No doubt it's due to that Xavier prick's election campaign. Can you imagine keeping the lease for that long without even knocking it down? It must’ve cost ‘em a fortune.

GARFIELD: Please don't mention that man's name.

CHAOS: What?

GARFIELD: My opinion of him has... changed. I have a bit of a hostile reaction towards abusiveness...

{Garfield's eyes glow red.}

GARFIELD: Especially if Stephanie is at least partially on the receiving end of it.

{Garfield's body shakes as he tries resisting the urge to punch the table. Lex goes over to him.}

LEX: I think we get the picture, mon.

{Garfield closes his eyes, causing them to stop glowing.}

CHAOS: Hey, what is the deal with you two, anyway? Did you two used to-

{Chaos is distracted by the telltale sound of the mailman haphazardly shoving letters through the mail slot.}

LEX: Oh!! It’s the mail! D’ya think my American comic books have arrived? I’ll get it!

{Lex rushes off to collect the mail. A variety of suspicious crashing and clanging noises are heard before he walks back, letters in his hand, looking more sullen than he did a few seconds before.}

LEX: Argh, Whore of Babylon! The bastard bent it!

GARFIELD: Oh no. What would we do without the newest issue of “Nazis vs. Alien Space Babes”?

LEX: Ey, mon. You shut your mouth. Jeff Lao’s work is brilliant. And it was in mint condition, too…

{As the two of them bicker, Chaos sorts through the rest of the mail.}

CHAOS: I thought you said we didn’t get utility bills.

GARFIELD: We… don’t. Do we?

LEX: Uhh...

{Lex thinks back to the past. Scenes of him cutting up letters, stuffing them in the garbage disposal, and other acts of wanton destruction of government mail flash through his mind.}

LEX: No, I don’t think so.

{Chaos frowns at his housemates. He takes out a letter, reading it carefully.}

CHAOS: It says here that if we don’t pay, they’re going to shut off our power.

LEX: Pfft. Says who?

CHAOS: Town Hall. Wait. We have a Town Hall?

GARFIELD: Yeah, it’s that big building in the centre. The one with a clock on it and all.

CHAOS: You mean that’s not the Clock Museum?

LEX: Nah, you’re thinking of Rivergate.

CHAOS: So...

{Pause.}

CHAOS: I have about $20 in my wallet, you think that’ll be enough to cover it?

GARFIELD: Good grief. You know, I could probably cover it with my-

CHAOS: Pah. I came to this town to make money, not to spend it! I suggest we go down to Town Hall, and we fight!

LEX: Uh, what, mon? Fight? It’s not the best idea to go into a government building guns blazing...

CHAOS: What are you talking about? I just wanna talk to whoever’s in charge, that’s all!

{Chaos stands up from his chair and walks over to the main hallway.}

LEX: What are you doing?

CHAOS: Why, my fellow, time is of the essence! I’m going to march all the way over to Town Hall right now, and give them a good old beating off!

GARFIELD: Did you just say-

CHAOS: I’m going to go over there and get us justice. I’m going to take them from behind, and give them a reach around. Just watch me.

{Lex coughs violently.}

GARFIELD: Uh...

CHAOS: What? Was it something I said? Y'know what? Nevermind. While you two vegetate, I’ll be putting ourselves in the clear.

{Chaos walks over to the coat rack and puts on a tweed jacket.}

CHAOS: You two just do whatever. I’ll sort this all out.

{Chaos pulls a pipe from his pocket and sticks it in his mouth.}

CHAOS: And I’ll do it with style.

{Chaos opens the door, leaves, and then slams it behind him.}

GARFIELD: Where did you find this guy?

LEX: Oh, we go back, mon. I gave him a lift in my camper van after he dropped out of magic school and we kinda became best friends. That, and I also helped him in his heists.

GARFIELD: Were you always a criminal?

LEX: Nay. It was his idea of a "fun time."

GARFIELD: I admit, he's a bit standoffish, but he is sort of growing on me. Although, it could just be because Steph told me how that D'Arque fellow is much worse.

{Cut to Chaos, making his way down the Main Street, casually walking along until he collides with somebody. He regains his composure and addresses the stranger.}

???: Whoa, watch it, dude!

CHAOS: Oh, shit man, I didn’t mean to-

{Chaos looks down to see that the man he almost tripped over is young and unkempt, in a neon yellow jacket and a green tiger print beanie hat, sitting on the pavement, and clutching a bowl with a few coins in it. Next to him a small beatbox, playing a hypnotic-sounding dubstep song. He is a beggar. He awkwardly looks at the beggar for a few seconds before getting a sudden and startling feeling of good will.}

CHAOS: ...I am dreadfully sorry, sir. Please accept this money as an apology.

{Chaos pulls a random bill from his pocket and puts it into the bowl.}

BEGGAR: Thanks, hombre.

{Chaos shakes the man’s hand as he walks away. When Chaos is gone, the man stands up and pulls out a bigger bowl, filled with more cash, putting the contents of the smaller bowl inside. He snickers to himself as he dusts off. He then stands up and walks away, whistling a happy tune. Cut to Leigh, who is communicating with his brother vis-a-vis through video chat on his laptop while sitting on the couch.}

LEIGH: I did it, Remadin! One full week at work, and I didn't even get fired!

NED: Wow, I will admit, bro. When I got you that interview, I had absolutely no faith in you even getting that job, let alone keeping it. I'm proud of you, man. Say, how has ol' Jacqui been treating you?

LEIGH: I don't want to sound ungrateful to her, but she is kind of-...

{Ned chuckles.}

NED: She's a total bitch. Did you know that my peers resent having to represent her in court? She is a handful.

LEIGH: Have you ever represented her?

NED: Nah. Kinda wish I could, though. She pays well. How much is she paying you?

LEIGH: I hadn't even checked, to be honest. I'm just glad I have the job.

NED: Oh man. Look at you. Out of the forests, out of Santa's Grotto, in the big city, and having an office job. You're coming close to catching up to me. I'm not sure if I should actually be proud or worried that you'll surpass me. But you know what I have that you still don't?

LEIGH: What?

{Ned moves his screen to show that he has installed a second DDR machine, right next to his first one.}

NED: TWO DDR MACHINES!!!

{Leigh laughs.}

LEIGH: Just you wait, bro. I'm gonna get me a pinball machine, a foosball machine, a big screen TV, and it is gonna be awesome!

NED: You're gonna have to live in a bigger apartment for that, man. Your box is tiny.

LEIGH: Okay, maybe I still have a bit further to go.

NED: I should come by and visit sometime. We could hit the bar, or better yet, hit the arcade, just like old times!

{Leigh smiles.}

LEIGH: Just like old times.

NED: Well, you keep being awesome. I got to beat my highest score! Talk to you later, man! And again, nice job.

LEIGH: Thanks, Remadin.

NED: Anytime, "Leigh."

{Ned logs off. Leigh gets up from his couch. He walks over to the window, looking out at the parking lot at the back of the Wig Maker's shop.}

LEIGH: I was going to have some awesome inner monologue about how I'm finally going places, but I really do need to find a better apartment, because this just isn't suitable at all.

{Cut to Chaos in Town Square. At the end of Town Square is Town Hall, a somewhat large building from the early 1800s, built in an Early Federal style. On the top front of the building is a gigantic clock, with a bell on top. On the roof is a flagpole, which is flying the American flag. Chaos gazes at the top of the marble staircase, his eyes burning with the embers of passion and rage. Clutching the bill in his hand, he marches onwards, bursting through the doors with a vigor like no other.}

CHAOS: EXCUSE ME, I HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY TO YOU PEOPLE AT TOWN HA-...

{Chaos notices the receptionist, who is a young and attractive woman with blonde hair with pink streaks. He is immediately smitten by her as his face becomes flushed. His foot catches on a piece of loose carpet and he trips over. The receptionist stands up, and rushes to his side.}

RECEPTIONIST: Oh dear, are you alright?

{Chaos looks picks himself off and brushes himself off. He backs away from the receptionist before attempting to regain his composure.}

CHAOS: Haha, yeah, I'm fine, I just- Hey. I want to talk to the guy who's in charge here!

RECEPTIONIST: You mean the Mayor?

CHAOS: Yeah, that guy.

'RECEPTIONIST: Do you have an appointment?

CHAOS: A- what-what?

RECEPTIONIST: An appointment?

CHAOS: Ohh. One of those things. Shit.

{Chaos looks at the receptionist and furrows his brow, in an attempt to look sexy. He clears his throat and leans on a nearby pillar.}

CHAOS: I don't suppose you could give me... an exception?

{The receptionist looks Chaos up and down.}

RECEPTIONIST: I can make a special exception for you.

{The two lock eyes as Chaos and the receptionist walk towards each other in a sensual manner. The two stare deeply at each other as Chaos leans close towards her and she reciprocates. Romantic music begins to play as Chaos puts his arms around her waist and the two are about to kiss. Suddenly the music stops, and the last few moments are revealed to be part of Chaos' imagination, as he is standing flushed after she asked him if she had an appointment.}

RECEPTIONIST: So? Do you have an appointment?

CHAOS: I-I-I don't, but...

{The receptionist looks on her computer. She smiles at Chaos.}

RECEPTIONIST: It appears that he's free right now, actually! Would you like to see him now?

{Chaos regains his composure again.}

CHAOS: Oh my gods, yes, please! Thank you so much!

'{The receptionist motions to the nearby staircase.}

RECEPTIONIST: His office is at the end of the hallway, you can't miss it. I sent him a message to alert him of your presence.

CHAOS: Thank you...

{Chaos walks towards the receptionist to read her nametag.}

CHAOS: ...Noelle.

{He quickly backs away once more, before looking at his surroundings.}

CHAOS: ...I really like what you guys have done with the place.

{Chaos awkwardly salutes Noelle who chuckles before making his way upstairs. The hallway is silent save for his stomps and the distant sound of crowds downstairs. Chaos stops at the end of the hall. Inches from his face, "MAYOR" is emblazoned on the door. Chaos inhales. Slowly, he turns the door handle. An ominous, oppressive air escapes through the crack and whips across his face like tendrils from an ancient, unseen evil. A bead of sweat drips down Chaos' neck. Cut to Lex and Garfield, who, in Chaos' absence, have turned the apartment into a LARP-zone. The two are pointing cardboard swords at each other.}

LEX: Listen here, Noxigar! You shall never succeed in collecting the Necromantic Armour!! Not if I have anything to do with it, mon!

{Garfield cackles.}

GARFIELD: Oh foolish Seph, don't you understand? I need the Necromantic Armour to save the universe from Zharanavuka!

LEX: But we can't do it like this!

{Lex and Garfield look at the camera. Lex narrates.}

LEX: But what the two allies-turned-enemies didn't know was that they were being manipulated... BY THE EVIL MUFFIN OF DOOM!!!

{Suddenly, Volkov bursts out from the couch, wearing a gigantic muffin costume, along with horns and a tail.}

VOLKOV: MUAHAHA!! YOU FOOLISH FOOLS! I HAVE BEEN MANIPULATING YOU ENTIRE TIME, AND IT IS I WHO SHALL BRING THOUSAND YEARS OF CONFECTIONARY DARKNESS TO ALL UNIVERSES!!!

{Volkov pulls muffins out from his pockets and begins pelting Lex and Garfield with them. The two proceed to hit him with the cardboard swords. Lex stops hitting Volkov, and Garfield follows.}

LEX: Ey, I wonder 'ow Chaos is doing with the bills.

GARFIELD: He's missing out is what's happening. Hey, Volkov, thanks again for joining us.

{Volkov lets out a hearty belly laugh.}

VOLKOV: Ho ho ho! You know, it is rather funny, da? I have been in situations like this in real life.

LEX: Whoa mon, you fought an evil muffin? Or you were an evil muffin?

VOLKOV: Nyeeeeet, not quite like zat. More like rogue government insurgents trying to start WWIII with global superpowers, but similar. My weapons were not as tasty.

{Volkov takes a bite out of one of his muffins. The Soviet Anthem softly plays in the background to an assortment of gruesome battle noises as the camera zooms in on Volkov's face, which grows in intensity.}

VOLKOV: Zey were more... 'splody. Right now, it smells pleasant, like sugar. In battlefield, nyet, all you smell is blood and death. I close my eyes and I still see. I still hear. I still feel all of it. Nightmare and reality combine into one. The feel of dread as all of your comrades lose their lives, one by one, until you are only one standing. And what is it for? Even I do not know.

{The music stops and the camera zooms out to Lex and Garfield looking at Volkov with concern. The mood changes back to normal as the three continue their playfighting. Cut back to Chaos, who has entered the Mayor's office. To his surprise, the mayor, an incredibly old man, is sitting at his chair, fast asleep, with drool hanging from his mouth. He walks over and nudges the Mayor in the arm. No response. He then goes over to the bookshelf and realigns a book that was slightly out of place, looking at the Mayor while he does it. Suddenly the Mayor jerks awake.}

MAYOR: WAIT WHAT WHA WHA WAIT WHA…. what? Who are you?

CHAOS: I’m here to settle a debt.

{The Mayor's eyes widen.}

MAYOR: You can tell the boss that I have been upholding my end up the bargain entirely! Please, sir, have mercy!

CHAOS: What the hell are you talking about? We got some bills in the mail this morning, and apparently, we owe money.

MAYOR: Oh, um. I knew that. I was just playing a fun game!

CHAOS: Right. I know we probably owe a lot of money, but I'm here to request that you waive our debt. You see, we-...

MAYOR: You want me to waive your debt? I can't do that, even if I wanted to! Everything is on one of those new-fangled computers, nowadays. See?

{The Mayor turns his computer screen towards Chaos. It is an ancient machine, running on Windows 98, and the picture is the log-on screen.}

MAYOR: I've been Mayor of this town for over thirty years, and they still expect me to use all this new technology!

CHAOS: That's Windows 98. Even I know how to work that. Here, lemme do it. There's this magical button that allows you to bypass the system. Watch.

{Chaos presses the "Esc" button. The computer blue-screens.}

CHAOS: Oh.

MAYOR: Ah, you must be a computer expert! I should hire you!

CHAOS: Um. Yeah! I'm just... fixing the mainframe. All I have to do now is... um... reverse the polarity. Hold on.

{Chaos scoots over to where the Mayor is sitting and looks under the desk. The computer is covered in cobwebs. It is apparent that it has not been turned off for a long time. Chaos presses the power button to turn the computer off, and then again to turn it back on. The Windows logo shows up on-screen before going back to the log-in screen. Chaos presses the "Esc" key again, reaching the desktop this time. The Mayor squints his eyes at the screen, but is clearly unable to see what's happening. Chaos sees an icon, titled "Utility Bills."}

CHAOS: There it is!

{Chaos moves the cursor over to click on the icon, but suddenly a purple gorilla appears on-screen, blocking it. It opens it's mouth and a text bubble comes out, asking "Do you want to download free cursors?"}

CHAOS: No, I just want to access the bills!

{Chaos tries to drag the gorilla out of the way, but the gorilla gets mad and pulls a mallet out of hammerspace and smashes the icon for the utility bills, rendering it unable to be clicked. Chaos notices a second file, titled "Utility Bills - Backup," but the gorilla smashes that as well. He proceeds to smash all the icons on-screen pertaining to all of Town Hall's important data. Suddenly, the screen is covered by an assortment of pop-ups. Finally, the computer emits a bloodcurdling scream before bursting into flames.}

MAYOR: Oh dear. It got a virus. This is what I'm talking about, regarding technology! It's everywhere!

{The mayor pulls out a 1980s-era cell phone.}

MAYOR: They even make me take calls on a phone without wires!

CHAOS: Uhhh...

MAYOR: I can probably tell you what you owe, though. Hold on.

{The Mayor stands up from his chair and shuffles over to a filing cabinet which is covered in cobwebs. He opens one of the draws.}

CHAOS: We live on 26807 Sunshine Avenue. ...Above a pierogi bar.

{The Mayor scrolls through the files and pulls one out. He blows the dust off of it and brings it over to the desk. He opens it and pulls out one of the pieces of paper, which is obviously out of date.}

MAYOR: Ah, yes! According to this, you own Town Hall… twenty dollars!

CHAOS: Twenty dollars? That’s it? Hah, that’s easy! Just let me…

{Chaos reaches into his pocket. The expression on his face turns into one of worry.}

CHAOS: Um, hold on. Just let me…

{Chaos quickly reaches into his other pocket. Still nothing. Suddenly, Chaos harkens back to an hour ago, when he gave a random bill of change to the beggar.}

CHAOS: Oh. Crap.

MAYOR: Oh?

CHAOS: Do you mind waiting for a bit? I just need to get something. You can be Handel; I'll be Bach!

{Chaos rushes out of the Mayor's office, where he is immediately greeted by the sight of Xavier D'Arque and Stephanie Young, who were both waiting outside. Xavier D'Arque smiles as he puts his hand on Chaos' shoulder.}

XAVIER: Look what we have here, Penelope! A hard-working citizen of Townindale, fulfilling his role in society by meeting with this lovely city's dear old Mayor! I suppose you know who I am?

CHAOS: Uh...

XAVIER: Lost for words? I totally get it. What's your name?

CHAOS: Felix?

{Xavier forcibly grabs Chaos' hand and shakes it, before taking a campaign badge out of his pocket and pinning it onto Chaos' jacket. He puts his arm around Chaos and pulls him close. Chaos looks mortified.}

XAVIER: Quick, Penelope. Take a picture of me with one of my supporters! C'mon, Felix. Smile for the cameras!

{Stephanie sighs, before pulling a camera out of her bag and taking a picture of the smiling D'Arque and the shellshocked Chaos.}

XAVIER: Excellent. You know, it's an honor and a privilege to meet with the common people. Remember that I represent the common man, so be sure to vote for me.

{Xavier taps the badge that he pins on Chaos' jacket before shoving himself into the Mayor's office, slamming the door behind him. Stephanie groans before entering after him. Almost immediately, the Mayor can be heard yelping offscreen.}

CHAOS: What a douche. Oh shit. I still need to get that money.

{Chaos hurries down the stairs and runs out of Town Hall. The receptionist calls after him.}

NOELLE: Did everything go alright?

{"Paranoid" by Black Sabbath plays as Chaos rushes down the Townindale streets, desperately trying to figure out his next move. He scans the streets, looking for the beggar that he gave money too. As he sprints, he stares at the buildings flying past, hoping to find something he could take advantage of. He passes by a rental store and an apothecary’s before finding a bank. Chaos skids to a halt and darts to the entrance. He kicks the doors, which swing open.}

TELLER: Hello, may we help-

{In the midst of the chaotic situation, Chaos inadvertently summoned a literal thunderstorm within the confines of the building with his dormant magical abilities, complete with lightning and tornadoes. He runs up to a teller and slams his sweaty hands on the glass in front of him.}

CHAOS: I need to get some money out, quick!

{The teller stares at him, terrified internally. She presses the silent alarm button under her desk.}

CHAOS: Well? Aren’t you going to say something?

{The teller mashes the button furiously and remains silent.}

CHAOS: Oh! I almost forgot!

{Chaos reaches into his back pocket and pulls out his wallet. The thunderstorm quickly dissipates.}

CHAOS: Right, you need my bank card, heh heh…

{As soon as Chaos retrieves his bank card, he hears sirens just outside the building. He spins around to see the cause of the commotion. Policemen burst in through the doors and point their guns at Chaos.}

POLICEMAN: Freeze! Drop your weapon!

CHAOS: Oh FUCK no.

{Chaos seizes up. He shakes a little and drops his card and wallet. Soon after, he collapses to the ground, completely motionless. The police chief, an older African-American gentleman, kicks the door in, despite it already being open.}

CHIEF: Alright you mother-

{The chief looks at Chaos’ prone form.}

CHIEF: And what in Capitol Hill is going on here?

TELLER: He’s trying to rob us!

{The chief laughs.}

CHIEF: Rob you? With what?

{The chief picks up Chaos’ wallet and points it at the teller.}

CHIEF: This?

{The teller flinches. The chief drops the wallet.}

CHIEF: Ah, you wouldn’t know a bank robbery if it came up and bit you on the septum. Lemme tell you; you would not survive a day in my old city.

TELLER: W-well, nobody ever comes in here…

{The chief looks around. Indeed, the bank is completely empty aside from the staff, the cops, and Chaos’ limp body. The chief grumbles.}

CHIEF: And the mayor says he can’t give us the funding for better weapons…

{The chief kneels down and prods Chaos, who whimpers a little.}

CHIEF: Hey. Get up. We’re not gonna hurt ya.

{Chaos lifts his eyes.}

CHAOS: R-really?

{Chaos shakily stands up.}

CHAOS: So I’m- I’m not under arrest?

{The chief scratches his chin.}

CHIEF: Well, we’ve gotta take you down to the station anyway.

{The Chief pulls out a pair of handcuffs, and Chaos lets out an anguished cry.}

CHIEF: Standard procedure.

{Cut to Chaos in the station. He is back in a calm and collected state.}

CHAOS: Aw shit, I didn't even get to eat the chicken I made this morning!

{Chaos sees Garfield and Lex walk into the station. Lex is eating chicken. The two talk to the Police Chief for a couple of seconds as the Chief points to Chaos. The two walk up to Chaos.}

LEX: We heard ya ran into some trouble, mon.

GARFIELD: You caused a thunderstorm in a bank. Are you some sort of weather wizard?

CHAOS: Ehhh, kinda? I can't do magic very well unless I'm stressed out. That's irrelevant, though. Say, do any of you have a spare $20? I still need to pay the utility bills!

LEX: Don't ya worry about that, mon. We talked to the receptionist at Town Hall and we got it all sorted. It turns out that their entire computer system crashed, erasing all bills in the city.

{Cut to The Mayor in his office trying to figure out how to use his computer}

MAYOR: Let's see here... I'll press escape...

{He presses the escape key and his computer goes to desktop}

MAYOR: Oh! I'm in. I wonder if I COULD delete the bills.

{a few keystrokes are made and a dialogue box appears on screen with the words "UTILITY BILLS DELETED"}

MAYOR: Yes! Now I'll just bring them back...

{More keystrokes are made, changing the dialogue box to "ALL BACKUPS DELETED"}

MAYOR: No!

{Cut back to the gang}

LEX: We're in the clear now, brudda!

CHAOS: But the Mayor said we owed $20...

GARFIELD: Yeah, no, we're good. He must've been mistaken.

CHAOS: Huh. Can we go home now? I wanna relax.

LEX: Ya mon, good idea. We could catch a new episode of Trial of Chairs. I wanna see who they're gonna kill next!

CHAOS: Whoo, now that sounds like a good idea! Come on, guys!

{The three leave the police station. Cut to Xavier and Stephanie leaving Town Hall.}

XAVIER: What a great day. I have the full support of San Cristobal's government, and now I have Townindale's, my sweet, sweet hometown. We're making serious progress, Penelope.

STEPHANIE: It's Step-... Ugh, nevermind.

{The two walk down Main Street, until they run into the same beggar that Chaos ran into earlier. The beggar, playing a similarly hypnotic dubstep song from his speakers, looks up at Xavier. His eyes twinkle and a grin appears on his face.}

BEGGAR: Spare some change?

{End of the Episode.}