Wikihood/eps/4

Summary

Instead of getting a job, Chaos gets the bright idea of returning to crime. Leigh manages to keep his job.

Transcript

{Open to Leigh's apartment at 6:00AM. His alarm clock begins to buzz. Leigh wakes up, looking groggy and squinting. He looks at the alarm, and peels the bedsheets off. He sits at the edge of the bed and looks at his phone. Cut to a shot of his phone, showing several new texts from Jules. One of them reads "awesum night, fam!", accompanied by a selfie of the two, looking obviously drunk and grinning widely. Leigh chuckles at the picture.}

LEIGH: Look at that. I made a new friend and got a new job.

{Leigh winces as he grabs his forehead in pain.}

LEIGH: And I made the wise choice to drink the night before. Go me.

{Leigh gets up from his bed and shuffles over to the 90s stereo that's on his dresser. He presses the radio button. The radio announcer sounds exactly like someone doing a Robin Williams impression, but not getting it quite right.}

RADIO ANNOUNCER: GOOOOOD MORRRRNIN' TOWNINDALE, I'M YOUR HOST, WILLIAM ROBINS, AND YOU ARE LISTENING TO HOLLYWOOD RADIO, THE ONLY STATION WHERE THE STARS PLAY THE HITS! We're gonna start this morning off with a 90s classic. We got ourselves some BRIIIIITNEY SPEARS! HIT IT!

{Leigh strikes a pose as the first few notes of ...Baby One More Time begin to play. He swags over to his bathroom. Cut to his top half in the shower, where he's mouthing along to the lyrics with his eyes closed, grooving hard to the song. Pan out to an above shot of the wigmaker's shop. As the chorus of "Hit Me Baby, One More Time" plays, the Wikihood logo appears, and we pan to the front room of Chaos, Lex, and Garfield's apartment. Lex and Garfield are getting ready for work, while Chaos is sitting on the couch in his pyjamas, watching the morning news and eating from a tub of ice cream. Lex approaches Garfield, holding two ties.}

LEX: Yo, Garf. Which tie should I wear today? Should I go for the piano tie, or the tie with martian decorations?

{Garfield strokes his chin.}

GARFIELD: Hm, good question. I think the piano tie would be good to show that you're a carefree individual, but the martian decorations are definitely endearing too, albeit in a less professional manner. What do you want to achieve? Are you trying to show that you mean business, or are you just trying to show customers that you're here for a good time?

LEX: I 'unno mon. I just like these ties.

GARFIELD: I know what to do. Wear both at the same time. Or wear one around your neck, and one around your head like you're trying to be Rambo.

LEX: ...Y'know, on second thoughts, I'm gonna go with a red tie.

{Lex walks back to his room. Chaos looks back at the kitchen from the couch.}

CHAOS: I think you should wear the martian-... Oh. He's gone. Damn it.

GARFIELD: Aren't you going to get ready for your job too, Felix?

CHAOS: ...What job?

GARFIELD: You still haven't gotten a job yet?

CHAOS: Well, I tried to get me an executive position but no matter how smooth I talked they wouldn't listen to the fact that I was a genius. They said "We got all that we can use".

GARFIELD: Okay, I get it. You don't have a job. You don't have to make fun of me.

CHAOS: Make fun of you?

GARFIELD: You're kidding.

CHAOS: Of course not I'm not kidding! You ask me, they don't know what they're missing.

GARFIELD: Hmm, maybe you should try for a car wash?

CHAOS: Hell no, I know exactly what I'm going to do, and all I need is this.

{Chaos pulls a Ski mask out of nowhere. Garfield looks down at the mask and back at Chaos, incredibly puzzled.}

GARFIELD: In the middle of summer?

CHAOS Um... Yes?

GARFIELD: Okay, good luck I guess.

CHAOS: Thanks Garf, but I don't need luck. This will be pure skill. Well, off to the Ski shop.

{Chaos leaves as Lex re-enters the room wearing a tie with a picture of Bruce Willis, Morgan Freeman, and John Malkovich on it}

GARFIELD: I thought you were going to wear a red tie.

LEX: Ya mon, It's my favorite Bruce Willis movie.

GARFIELD: Well, it sounds like Felix is going to take up professional skiing.

LEX: Really? Good for him, He'll get some use out of his old ski mask.

{Short pause}

GARFIELD: ...wait, it's the summer.

LEX: Yeah, mon.

{Garfield gets several ties; he wears a red tie around his forehead, then wears a cyan dragon-themed tie around his neck, then wears one orange tie around his left wrist and one purple tie around his right wrist.}

GARFIELD: Time to get paralegal.

{Lex checks his watch.}

LEX: Oh man, time to head off to work! Care to join me, Garf?

GARFIELD: I can't, I'm sorry. I have an extra long shift at the lab. We got a shipment of Orkneyan Snappers. We're currently trying to breed a new type which is resistant to the cold and snow.

LEX: A.. what?

GARFIELD: They're like Venus Flytraps, only they're slightly bigger, and they're slightly more deadly. They are also an amazing delicacy to the Orcish people, who, ironically, don't from the Orkney Islands, despite the name. So yeah, we're manufacturing a superfood for Orcs. How about you?

LEX: I'm jus' workin' a shift at the Mattress Warehouse. By myself. For eight hours. Well. I'll see ya, mon!

{Lex scoots out of the door. Garfield shrugs before putting his labcoat on.}

GARFIELD: My coworkers will love my new fashion.

{Cut to Leigh on his first day at the job. He enters the ominously evil building, to be immediately greeted by Jacqueline Rosenberg at the ground floor.}

JACQUELINE: Greetings, Mr. More. I see you're here right on time. I'm almost impressed.

LEIGH: Haha, of course! Nothing's gonna stop me from doing this job, Mrs. Rosenberg!

JACQUELINE: It's "Miss," thank you very much.

LEIGH: I'm sorry, Miss Rosenberg, I j-just assumed-...

JACQUELINE: Well, don't. Assumption is the mother of all eff-ups.

{Jacqueline's face contorts into an obviously-fake smile.}

JACQUELINE: Anyway, shall I show you to your office?

LEIGH: Yes, please!

{Jacqueline leads Leigh to the elevator. As the doors are beginning to close, Jules can be seen, attempting to catch it before it's too late. He is too late. Leigh is about to press the button on the panel to open the doors, but Jacqueline instinctively moves his hand away.}

JACQUELINE: First lesson, Mr. More. You cannot do things for other people. If they cannot help themselves, it is their responsibility, and not yours. My nephew can wait for the next elevator.

{Jacqueline presses the button for floor thirteen. As the elevator moves upward, there is an awkward silence. Leigh tries to break the silence.}

LEIGH: Gee, haha. Remember when elevators had music? That was wacky, huh?

{Jacqueline does not answer. She does not even acknowledge what Leigh said. Finally, the elevator lands at its destination and the doors open, revealing a large and soul-suckingly depressing room with individual cubicles.}

JACQUELINE: Follow me, please.

{Jacqueline leads Leigh to a cubicle at the far end of the room, next to a window. On the opposite side of the cubicle, a large Orc of 7'2 is seated at his computer. His large size dwarves the environment around him. Jacqueline points to an empty chair at a computer.}

JACQUELINE: This is where you shall be working, and this... man here is one of your coworkers. If you have any inquiries, please do hesitate to contact me.

LEIGH: What did you say?

JACQUELINE: I said, please don't hesitate to contact me.

{Jacqueline's fake smile fades as she walks away, leaving Leigh alone with his new coworker. The Orcish man turns his chair around to face Leigh, who is immediately intimidated by his large size. The Orc flashes a toothy smile and puts out his hand for Leigh to shake. Leigh reluctantly puts his hand forward, expecting it to be crushed. To his surprise, it is delicately shaken. The Orc begins to speak, revealing himself to have a thick Scottish accent.}

ORC: Anither non-human, finally!

LEIGH: Y-you have me mistaken, I-I'm human, I-

ORC: Me name's Gronuruwd Gorehammer, be ye' can call me Gordon! Y'know how refreshin' it is t'see another non-human arund 'ere? I like this job, but the facilities are a bit too wee, y'know? What's ya name?

LEIGH: My name's Leigh More, and I-

GORDON: Claymore, y'say? That's a badass Drow name if I ever 'eard one. Y'know what? I think we're gonna get along swimmingly. Ya new in town?

LEIGH: Well, I originally come from-

GORDON: I come from Glasgow, me'self. Well, wee little town in th' greater part, called Bishopbriggs. Y'heard of it? Ya, me and me' folks were th'only non-'umans. Needless t'say, I was picked first in every sport, regardless of whether or not I was actually good at them, y'know? Any similar experiences?

LEIGH: I get a lot of people mistakening my species, it's rather frustrating how-

GORDON: Aye, it's a frustratin' experience. Most humans mean well, but ye' can't 'elp but think they see ye as the other. And bein' an Orc in a human society, all me' cuzzins' used t'jokingly call me "Gronuruwd the Human Boy." Just because I dinnae live in a hut, y'know? Ah. But don't ye' worry y'some, I understand ye. This was a good conversation, aye?

LEIGH: Uh...

GORDON: But I gottae get back t'work. You know what t'do, eh?

{Cut to Chaos, walking downtown with a ski mask in his hand.}

CHAOS: Alright, alright, alright. I'm gonna hit the jackpot tonight.

{Chaos shoves his ski mask into his back pocket and enters a shop called "Skied off". He starts casing the joint, making note of security cameras and other things people make note of when casing a joint. An employee spots his ski mask in his back pocket and approaches him.}

EMPLOYEE: Excuse me sir, may I see that ski mask?

{Chaos is surprised by the employee and nervously turns to face him}

CHAOS: Oh, uh, that ol' thing? I've had that for years.

EMPLOYEE: Oh believe me, I can tell. From just a glance I can tell you that ski mask in your pocket is so three years ago. Clearly you must be in the market for a new one.

CHAOS: No, no. I'm just browsing.

EMPLOYEE: Nonsense my good man, you clearly need some new gear. And if you need a new mask, you need a new everything. Now let's take a look at that mask

{The employee already has the mask in his hand. He is diligintly looking over it}

CHAOS: How did you-

EMPLOYEE: A lil' bandit ski mask, ironically not small, nor for thefts. I heard a guy got caught trying to rob a casino with one of these a few years back.

CHAOS: Yeah, funny that.

EMPLOYEE: I know just what you need.

{The employee crumples Chaos' mask in his hands, and when he opens his hands he is holding a brand new ski-mask}

EMPLOYEE: Behold: The Mask. Minimalistic design at extravegent prices.

CHAOS: It looks exactly the same.

EMPLOYEE: Ah, but that's where you're wrong, my good man. It's simply a better mask. I assure you it will be like no other mask you have ever worn. Why, just try it on!

{The mask has seemingly disappeared from the employees hands as a close up of his hands are shown}

CHAOS: Where'd it go?

EMPLOYEE: You're already wearing it, my dear boy!

{Cut back to the two as chaos quickly puts his hands to his face several times}

CHAOS: Holy shit! You... It feels really nice actually.

EMPLOYEE: Of course it does, it's just so perfectly you, don't you agree? Of course you do. Now, I simply can't let you walk away with just The Mask, a man like you needs a whole new set of gear. Follow me.

{The two men go through the store as different items from the different sections seemingly put themselves in Chaos's hands. Cut to afterward as Chaos is done shopping, ready to leave}

CHAOS: Well, thank you for everything, but what happened to my old mask?

EMPLOYEE: Check your back pocket.

{Chaos checks his back pocket to find his old ski mask there, where it was when he started. His eyes go wide as his mind is blown.}

CHAOS: Oh shiiiiiiiit...