Wikihood/eps/13

Transcript

{Open to the kitchen interior of a cozy house located on the coast of a small Norwegian town in the winter time. Playing on the radio is Baby I Love Your Way, by Big Mountain. A young and attractive blonde woman hums along to the song as she stands at the counter and chopping carrots to put into a stew. Watching her is a blond toddler with red eyes who is sitting in a high chair and giggling. The woman puts the carrots in the stew and stirs it lightly. She takes the ladle out and sips it.}

BLONDE WOMAN: Hmm...

{She savors the taste for a couple of seconds before walking up to the toddler. She holds the spoon up to him as he giggles further.}

BLONDE WOMAN: What do you think, Felix? Is mommy cooking this right?

{Young Felix takes a small sip from the spoon before knocking it from his mother's hand. He continues to giggle. His mother softly laughs to herself as she puts her hands to her hips.}

LOTTA: You're right. It's missing something.

{Lotta looks down at the mess on the floor. She points to the pantry door and flicks her wrist, opening it from a distance. She then makes a gesturing motion with her hand. A mop flies out of the pantry and she catches it before proceeding to clean up the mess. She picks the spoon up and puts it in the sink which is full of water. Felix, who has stopped giggling, looks at the sink with a curious look upon his face. He proceeds to make the same motion with his hand as his mother did. Suddenly, the water from the sink begins to splash. Lotta turns around to face her son.}

LOTTA: Oh, Felix! Don't do that, you're going to make a-...

{Felix suddenly raises his hand in the air, causing the water to shoot out of the sink and splash his mother entirely. She drops the mop and looks at her wet clothing. At first, she appears annoyed, but as Felix begins to giggle again, her expression turns into one of happiness as she crouches down and ruffles his hair.}

LOTTA: You little troublemaker, you. Look at you. Barely a year old, and you're already shaping up to be a powerful little wizard! You're going to be strong, just like your daddy!

{The doorbell rings.}

LOTTA: Speak of the devil! Hold on, darling!

{Lotta rushes to the front door. As she's about to open it, the scene ends. Cut to Chaos being splashed with water as he's hanging upside down from a chain in a dark and murky warehouse located in the Industrial District. Standing in front of him is Andre DuTempi, who is surrounded by cockroaches who are climbing over him and under his body, and Giuliano, who is holding a metal bucket while keeping his distance from DuTempi's bugs.}

ANDRE: So you're the son of a bitch who's been causin' trouble around this town, huh?

CHAOS: I'm sorry, I can't hear you. The sound of blood rushing to my head is making it hard to hear your bullshit.

{DuTempi chuckles to himself before he smacks Chaos in the face.}

CHAOS: Ow, fuck you.

{DuTempi touches Chaos' cheek. A cockroach crawls from under his shirt sleeve and onto Chaos' face, causing him to wince.}

CHAOS: Ew, EW EW EW, FUCK EW, EW EW EW EW, FUCK!!!

{Chaos shakes the cockroach off. DuTempi looks at Giuliano and snaps his fingers. Giuliano runs off-screen and quickly returns with a chair, which he places behind DuTempi. DuTempi sits down, putting him at face-level with Chaos.}

ANDRE: Let's make this easy, I got shit t'do. What did ya do with the money?

CHAOS: I have no idea what the fuck you're talking about. How 'bout I ask you a question. Ever heard of breath mints?

{DuTempi motions to Giuliano, who punches Chaos in the face, causing him to spit blood.}

ANDRE: Don't bullshit me, kid. The money from the fundraiser. I know it was you. Where. Is. It?

CHAOS: Why do you care? I ain't ever seen you before in my life.

ANDRE: I care because you upset a good friend of mine. A friend who is much nastier than I am. I'm givin' you a good deal, kid. Tell me where the money is, and I'll make sure ya death is quick and painless. I'll even send 'yer beloved a bouquet of flowers to put on your grave.

{An image of Noelle flashes in Chaos' mind as DuTempi mentions his "beloved."}

CHAOS: Heh. You wanna know where the money is? I'll tell ya. C'mon, I'll whisper it to you.

ANDRE: What? Ya don't want this bozo t'know?

{DuTempi motions to Giuliano, who's picking his nose.}

ANDRE: Heh, suit yourself. I'm all ears.

{DuTempi stands up and puts his ear to Chaos' face. Chaos leans his head forward and bites DuTempi's ear. He gnaws on it as DuTempi yells in pain.}

ANDRE: YOU DIRTY MOTHERFUCKER, YOU PIECE OF FUCKIN' SHIT, FUCK YOU!!

GIULIANO: Hold on, boss!

{Giuliano punches Chaos in the face, forcing him to let DuTempi out of his grasp. DuTempi holds his bleeding ear as Chaos smiles maliciously at him.}

CHAOS: Hah. Go fuck yourself.

ANDRE: THAT'S IT. I'M THROUGH PLAYIN' NICE WITH YOU. XAVIER TOLD ME NOT T'KILL YA, BUT WHEN I'M DONE WITH YA, YA WILL WISH YA WERE DEAD!! Giuliano, fetch the power drill!

GIULIANO: Right-eo!

{Giuliano runs off-screen and returns with cordless drill. He hands it to DuTempi, who revs it up and grins.}

ANDRE: When I was a kid, m'old man wanted me to make somethin' of myself in a legit way. He didn't want me to be a gangster like 'im, and he certainly did not want me usin' magic, so he sent me to dental school. So I-

CHAOS: And here you are, having done a shit job at all three. Well done, bozo.

{DuTempi frowns.}

DUTEMPI: God, you really piss me the fuck off. Let's do this. Open wide, asshole.

{DuTempi motions to Giuliano who grabs Chaos' face and forces his jaw open. DuTempi goes closer to Chaos, ready to drill his teeth. Cut to Lex and Noelle in the ice-cream truck, navigating a long maze of strip malls, factories, and car dealerships. They drive past a Burger King restaurant.}

LEX: Is it me, or does this area have a lot of Burger Kings?

NOELLE: No, I'm pretty sure that's the same one we've driven past five times at this point. I can't believe you lost him!

LEX: It's not my fault we got stuck in traffic!

NOELLE: It is when you stopped to get Burger King in the first place!

{Zoom out to reveal that they both have Burger King meals on their laps. Noelle picks up a french fry and eats it.}

NOELLE: Not that I don't appreciate you buying me lunch, but still, how do you miss a gigantic cockroach tidal wave?

LEX: Hey, hey! Don'tcha worry. I can figure this out.

{Lex pulls out his cell phone, which is revealed to be a 1980s-style brick phone. He dials a few numbers and puts it on speakerphone. Headwiz answers.}

HEADWIZ: Uh... hello?

LEX: Yo, Headwiiiiiz!

{Headwiz answers with an awkward and embarrassed tone.}

HEADWIZ: O-oh, Lex. C-can you like, phone back a bit later? This is really not a good time.

{Whipping sounds can be heard in the background. Headwiz yelps. She muffles the phone as she chastises a stranger on the other end.}

HEADWIZ: Ow, I'm on the fuckin' phone!

MYSTERY WOMAN: Sorry babe.

{Noelle awkwardly looks through the window. Headwiz unmuffles the phone.}

HEADWIZ: Like I said, really, really, REALLY bad time.

LEX: It's Chaos, mon. E's gone missin'.

HEADWIZ: Why the fuck should I care? It's not like he doesn't get himself deep in dumb shit all the time anyway.

LEX: Yah, but this time 'e's been kidnapped by cockroach gangsters. I'was 'opin that you'd be able to track his location with that computer stuff ya do.

{Whispering sounds on the other end before Headwiz comes back. She sighs.}

HEADWIZ: Ugh, fine. But you fucking owe me for this.

LEX: Eyyyy! Thanks Wiz, you are a true friend!

HEADWIZ: Yeah, yeah, you fucking know it. Now give me a couple'a minutes.

{Headwiz hangs up. Lex turns to Noelle with glee.}

LEX: See? Told ya I could handle it.

{Noelle is entirely red.}

NOELLE: ...Uh-huh.

LEX: I wonder how Garf and Leigh are doin'.

NOELLE: Who?

LEX: They're my roommates. Well, Garfield is. Leigh hasn't moved in yet.

NOELLE: Ohhhh.

{Cut to Leigh and Garfield hanging out at The Angry Bull. They are both plastered and having a great time at the karaoke machine as a crowd cheers them on. They are singing Say Say Say, by Paul McCartney and Michael Jackson.}

GARFIELD: {singing} Say Say Say
What you want
But don't play games with my affection
Take take take what you need
But don't leave me with no direction

{Leigh makes an attempt at disco dancing while he sings his line.}

LEIGH: All alone
I sit home by the phone, waiting for you, baby
Through the years, how can you stand to hear
My pleading for you, you know I'm crying
Ooooh ooooh ooooooh!!

{Leigh spins around and raises his arm in the air. Cut back to Lex and Noelle. Lex's phone rings and he answers it.}

HEADWIZ: A'ight Lexxy, I managed to hone in on his location. You're not too far away, actually. Just keep going down Delta Drive until you see White Rock Avenue. Turn right from there, and go straight until you hit the Lachine Highway. From what I see, it appears that Chaos has been taken to a warehouse in the nearby town of Sumterville. You'll be there in five minutes.

LEX: Thanks Wiz!

HEADWIZ: Yeah, yeah. If Chaos is still alive, tell him I said hi. Now do me a favor and not contact me within the next two, no, four hours. I'm gonna have to make up for lost time and energy.

{Headwiz hangs up.}

LEX: I knew we could rely on her!

NOELLE: She seems... interesting. Felix seems to have a lot of friends.

LEX: Oh ya, absolutely. We all care about him, even if he feels that he's alone in this world.

{Lex revs up the engine and slams on the "La Cucharacha" horn. Cut back to Chaos in the warehouse, right at the moment when DuTempi was about to drill his teeth. Suddenly, Xavier D'Arque bursts through the doors, holding a two cups of Starbucks coffee. He yawns.}

XAVIER: Sorry I'm late, boys, I just had to get some coffee.

GIULIANO: But we're all the way out in Sumterville!

{DuTempi stops the drill before it reaches Chaos and he smacks Giuliano in the mouth.}

ANDRE: Don't ya's answer back to the big guy!

{Xavier nonchalantly flicks his wrist as he walks towards the three.}

XAVIER: Eh, it's fine. A man just needs his coffee, that's all.

{Xavier scans Chaos up and down.}

XAVIER: You boys haven't roughed him up too much, have you?

{DuTempi holds up the drill.}

ANDRE: I was just about t'give him a root canal.

XAVIER: Oh no! Don't do that! No, no no. That won't work at all.

{Xavier sits in the chair in front of Chaos and crosses his legs.}

XAVIER: Haven't we met before?

CHAOS: Unfortunately.

XAVIER: Oh yes. We did. At the Mayor's office, right?

{Xavier laughs.}

XAVIER: I remember now; you begged to take a selfie with me!

CHAOS: {sarcastically} Yeah, that's absolutely how it went down.

{DuTempi holds up a hammer.}

ANDRE: If ya want, we c'n bust his kneecaps.

{Xavier turns to Andre.}

XAVIER: Absolutely not! I will not let you harm a single hair on this man's head!

{Chaos and DuTempi both look at each other in confusion. Xavier stands up suddenly, knocking the chair over in the process.}

XAVIER: Can't you see who we are dealing with? We have a celebrity in our midst!

CHAOS: I think you have me mistaken for-

XAVIER: Felix Abraxas Zabat, the son of the legendary spellcaster, Cicero Abraxas!

{Chaos winces.}

CHAOS: Can you get back to torturing me? Please?

XAVIER: I will admit; I am absolutely starstruck. It's funny, actually. Here I was, planning on killing you myself, only to read up on your files and realize who you are.

CHAOS: Hey dentist, I think I have a toothache. You should rip that tooth out of my mouth right now.

{DuTempi shrugs.}

XAVIER: Dropped out of Europe's most prestigious magic school, and what do you do? You end up getting arrested and serving time! Pfft, that is hilarious!

CHAOS: I can't help but feel as if my knee is overdue for a good ol' smashing.

ANDRE: Uh, who is this Cicero guy you're talking about?

{Xavier laughs.}

XAVIER: Gee, only one of the most famous human spellcasters in existence. Y'know, rivaled only by the likes of Merlin and Medea! No big deal, of course. I'm surprised you don't know; don't you use magic?

{DuTempi looks at his hand. A swarm of cockroaches crawls over it.}

ANDRE: Ye, but I ain't privy in the dealins' of the magical world. Me pa hated wizards.

CHAOS: Don't tell me that you're a spellcaster too, douchebag.

XAVIER: Unfortunately not. My ancestors used to dabble in the occult, but for the most part, the D'Arques have been powerless.

{Pause}

XAVIER: Y'know what, this is not how I want to have this conversation. Cut him down, won't ya?

{Giuliano nods. Flash forward to Chaos, who is now tied to his chair, with only one arm free for the coffee that he's holding. Xavier is sitting on the other chair.}

CHAOS: If you're not magical, how do you know about Cicero?

XAVIER: That is a good question. The truth is that your father saved my life.