Difference between revisions of "Wikihood/eps/11"

Revision as of 23:11, 6 June 2018

Summary

Transcript

{Open to Xavier sitting at a table in the corner of an Italian restaurant. Sitting on the other side is a short and fat Italian man in a white suit with a red shirt, who is taking time to puff a cigar between bites of food.}

????: It's a pleasure meeting you again, Mr. D'Arque.

XAVIER: Call me Xavier. After all, we're friends, aren't we, Andre?

ANDRE: Right you are! As you may know, we are in full support of your campaign. The DuTempi Family will always be in your gratitude.

XAVIER: When I was running my campaign to become District Attorney, I promised to clean up this city by ending the gang warfare, and I delivered.

{The Italian man cackles as he takes another puff from the cigar.}

ANDRE: You cheeky bastard. You really laid a number on my competition. Those Bonifacio pricks had no idea what hit 'em!

{Andre takes a large slurp from his glass of wine.}

ANDRE: Let's cut the bullshit, though. I know we ain't talkin' pleasantries here. What can I do for you?

XAVIER: How good are you at finding people?

ANDRE: I once had a guy who was prepared to rat me out to the feds. Fled all the way to Europe when he knew that I knew. Lavosia, ya ever hear of it?

XAVIER: Of course. During my rowdier days as a youth, I spent a gap year there. Almost blew my whole allowance in their casinos. My father threatened to cut me off if I didn't come back. Good times.

ANDRE: Yeah. So this guy, he decided to play hide-and-go-seek, thinkin' he was safe. And y'know what? We let him believe that. For six months, we watched him build a decent life for himself. Worked at the shipyard, got himself a nice girl, lived in a chateau, y'know the life. Anyway, one day when they was comin' back home with groceries, and one of my guys had been followin' him. ...BAM!

{Andre makes a gun gesture with his hand.}

ANDRE: Splattered his brains all over his girl's lovely white dress. So yeah, how good am I at findin' people? You tell me.

{Xavier smiles evilly. He pulls out his phone, showing the image of Chaos and Lex at the heist.}

XAVIER: I have a very special job for your men.

{Cut to Leigh, who is video-chatting with Ned on his laptop.}

NED: I'm sorry, man. I tried talking to Jacqueline about getting your job back, but she just wouldn't budge. She didn't sound pleased about it, though.

LEIGH: I should've expected this to happen. I have about as much luck as a member of the Stark family.

NED: That is true. But you need to create your own luck. Make the best of a bad situation, like Tony Stark. He was captured by terrorists, put into a cave, and forced to make weapons. But you know what he did? He made himself a super suit and he busted out of there and became Iron Man.

LEIGH: Okay, first, I was referencing Game of Thrones. And second, I'm afraid to even do that! Every time I've tried to fix my life, something's thrown a wrench into my plans and screwed it all up!

NED: I heard about what happened yesterday. You seemed to do quite a good job at committing assault. You could become an underground fighter. They get lots of money.

LEIGH: I'm a lover, not a fighter! Plus, I can only do that under duress.

NED: Look, man. You just need to find your guardian angel. Everybody has one. Mine lets me be a lawyer while fulfilling my DDR addiction. Ooh, I know! How about I get a DDR machine installed in your apartment?

LEIGH: Ned, I can barely pay for groceries. Plus, I am going to get evicted. A DDR machine is the last of my worries right now.

NED: That's a shame. I understand, though. I'll ask around and see if I can get you another job.

LEIGH: ...No. I can't. One of the things Maddie told me before she left me is that I rely on others too much. I came here for a fresh start, and I'm still doing it. I will fix this, no matter how badly life keeps throwing curveballs. I can do this!

NED: That's the spirit! You go out there, and you make something of yourself!

{Pause.}

NED: But I will bail you out if I have to.

{Cut to Leigh walking down the street, resume in hand.}

LEIGH: I can do this, I can do this!

{Pan to the other side of the road. Garfield is watching Leigh through a pair of binoculars.}

GARFIELD: There he is. I will make his life better, even if it kills me. But, I can't let him see me. Bewilder.

{Garfield assumes a sneaking position as he awkwardly walks around people on the street. He carries on looking at Leigh while following him from the other side of the road. He watches Leigh as he walks into a record shop. He scurries across the road and looks through the window. Leigh walks up to the counter and hands the cashier his resume before walking out. As Leigh is walking out, the cashier can clearly be seen putting the resume into the trash. As Leigh walks out of the store with a smile on his face, Garfield hides behind a road sign, looking completely conspicuous. Leigh does not notice. Leigh carries on walking down the street. Garfield follows him from a short distance before pulling his wallet out and throwing it over Leigh's head. Leigh looks bewildered as he picks the wallet up and looks around. In these few seconds, Garfield has somehow gotten on-top of the roof of a building and is looking down from above.}

LEIGH: Did anybody drop their wallet? Or somehow accidentally lob it for some reason?

{Leigh looks around.}

LEIGH: Anybody?

{Nobody answers.}

LEIGH: Huh. I should probably see who this belongs to.

{Leigh opens the wallet and finds that there's identification, but it's stuffed with cash.}

LEIGH: I should take this to the police; that's a lot of money to lose, gee.

{Suddenly, Garfield appears in front of Leigh, now dressed in a policeman disguise which is just as fake as Chaos and Lex's security guard disguises.}

GARFIELD: Ah, I see that you have found somebody's dropped wallet!

{Leigh hands the wallet to Garfield.}

LEIGH: That was convenient! Here you go, maybe you can find the owner!

{Garfield gives the wallet back to Leigh and laughs.}

GARFIELD: Hahaha-have you heard of "Free Wallet Day?"

{Leigh squints his eyes at Garfield.}

LEIGH: Wait a minute...

GARFIELD: The Mayor has people throw wallets full of cash at people. It's a community service, spanning back to approximately 1994.

{Leigh raises an eyebrow. Garfield quickly scoots around the corner. He spins around and is back in his normal clothing.}

GARFIELD: That was pretty heavy-handed. I think I need to change my tactics...

{Cut back to Leigh. He calls a phone number.}

NOELLE: {vo} Hello?

LEIGH: I'd like a fact checked out. There was this guy who was dressed like a constable who tried to give me a wallet, proclaiming it to be "Free Wallet Day." He said it spanned to-

NOELLE: {vo} 1994?

LEIGH: Yes.

NOELLE: {vo} I think your newfound acquaintance might've gotten the date wrong. Free Wallet Day isn't until mid-October.

LEIGH: Wait, there actually is a "Free Wallet Day?"

NOELLE: {vo} Nowadays, it's kept rather hush-hush, but yeah.

{Leigh blinks.}

NOELLE: {vo} Are you calling for anything else in particular?

LEIGH: No, I just wanted to check that.

NOELLE: {vo} In that case, thank you for your inquiry and take care, sir.

{Noelle hangs up. A short pause happens afterward.}

LEIGH: As well-intentioned as that might've been, I'm going to try giving the wallet back to its original owner.

{Leigh rifles through the wallet to peruse the identification again. His eyelids lower.}

LEIGH: Is Wiggins really his last name? Hmm.

{Leigh carries on walking down the street. A white car passes by him. Inside the car are two Italian-American men in black suits, named Rosato and Giuliano. Rosato is short and skinny, while Giuliano is tall and fat. Giuliano is driving the car.}

ROSATO: A'ight, we're finally downtown. Would'a gotten here sooner if you didn't stop off for hot-dogs.

GIULIANO: I was hungry!

{Giuliano taps his stomach. It growls.}

GIULIANO: I still am. What we lookin' for, again?

ROSATO: The boss told us to be on the look-out for two geezers. One's a white guy with a Jamaican accent, and the other's a short goth.

GIULIANO: A goth? Ya mean the guys who sacked Rome? Didn't know there were any left!

{Rosato slaps Giuliano.}

ROSATO: No, ya dolt! I mean a goth as in one of those weird pale guys who dress in all black, has black hair, likes dark things.

GIULIANO: Ohhh. Okay, okay. Where do we look?

ROSATO: I don't know, yet! It can't be too hard to find them. The boss said there'd be a big reward for whoever caught 'em!

{Cut back to Leigh, who has met up with Gordon at a bar. Gordon is looking at the wallet.}

GORDON: Wiggins... Ay dun' know any'un with that name. Sorry, lad. Can't believe ye dinnae know of Free Wallet Day, though. It's been arund since '94!

LEIGH: ...So I've heard.

GORDON: Ay dun' mean to be cheeky, but ay think ya should jus' take the money. Obviously somebody wanted 'ye to 'ave it. Sorry again about ye losin' ya job. The office 'as been borin' ever since ya went.

LEIGH: It's funny; I almost considered voting for D'Arque, too.

GORDON: Ya gonnae vote for Petrobucks now?

{Leigh visibly recoils.}

LEIGH: Yikes, no. I'm probably just gonna vote third party, or just not vote at all.

{Gordon chuckles.}

GORDON: Unnerstan'able, mate. I'm jes' joshin' wit' ya.

{Leigh looks away and sighs.}

LEIGH: Do you believe in guardian angels?

GORDON: Sorta. Not sure wha' cowns as a guardian angel.

LEIGH: Something my brother mentioned.

{Zoom out to reveal that Garfield is still following Leigh, having sat at a table nearby. Garfield is this time dressed in a blonde wig, with a white dress, Timbs, and red thigh-high socks. He uses the time to take a selfie and send it to Stephanie. Cut to Stephanie, who does a spittake in her office.}

STEPHANIE: Wha-

{Stephanie ponders for a moment.}

STEPHANIE: At least Garfield explained everything about the... human with a keen interest in drow culture? But, going out in drag doesn't affect drow culture at all?

{Stephanie cocks a brow.}

STEPHANIE: This is by all means better than wearing a pimp suit, at least.

{Cut back to the bar. The bartender gives Leigh a glass of beer.}

LEIGH: I didn't order this.

BARTENDER: I know. Somebody else did. Said you deserved it.

{Leigh scans around the bar. He catches a glimpse of Garfield in drag, but doesn't register it. He looks at the glass for a moment. Suddenly, Gordon slaps him on the back unexpectedly.}

GORDON: Looks like ye 'ave a guardian angel of ya own!

{Pan back to Garfield.}

GARFIELD: Excellent. This plan is going well. Let's see if I can ramp it up.

{Garfield pulls out his phone and proceeds to dial it. As he begins to talk, "Money, Money, Money" by Abba plays, starting a montage showing Leigh in a variety of quick scenes. In one scene, Leigh is in HappyMart and having trouble choosing between two jars of jam, costing $2.50 and $4.00, respectively. Suddenly, a large crowd around him forms, waving banners stating that he is the "Ten Millionth Customer." Pan over to the side to show Garfield handing a wad of cash to Felicia, the store's manager.}

{The second scene is of Leigh coming across a "lost cat" poster on a sign, with an award of $1000. Immediately, the cat which is on the poster crosses Leigh's path, and an older lady (who is actually Tracy dressed as an old lady) picks up the cat and hugs it, before handing a wad of cash to him.}

{The third scene is of Leigh looking for jobs online on his laptop. Suddenly, a pop-up appears on-screen, reading: "Congratulations! You have just won $10,000!" Leigh raises his eyebrow and clicks on it, linking to his online bank account with a new deposit of $10,000. Cut to Garfield at Headwiz's house, with the two sitting at a computer. Headwiz and Garfield turn to each other and they high-five, before Garfield pours an energy drink into his cup of coffee.}

{The fourth scene is of Leigh getting into bed and trying to sleep, only to notice something peculiar. He finds that he is covered in $100 bills. He fluffs his pillow, revealing that it is also stuffed with stacks of cash. He out of bed and takes the sheets off, revealing that he was sleeping on several more stacks of cash which had been hidden under his bed. Garfield can be seen peering through his window, only to quickly duck as Leigh turns the light on and looks around. The montage ends with Leigh hanging out with Jules at Surreal Cereals.}

LEIGH: I don't understand! I feel like this is some kind of weird trick. I'm starting to look for cameras wherever I go, because what else could it even be?

JULES: Yo fam, chill for a bit. My folks give me money all the time.

LEIGH: Yeah, but your family's rich. I don't even have a family, other than my brother. And he's not the type of person to do this! Maybe I do have a guardian angel...

JULES: I'unno. Sounds more like you're being stalked.

LEIGH: Isn't a guardian angel already kind of a stalker?

JULES: Fuck if I know, man. Either way, at least they're not tryin' to kill you? Or maybe they are? What if it's some kind of freaky weird serial killer that likes to give people money before they kill 'em?

{Leigh looks visibly terrified.}

LEIGH: Jeez man, don't say that! That's horrible!

JULES: Shit dude, it could be one with a gimmick! Y'know? Stalks people and gives them money before doing somethin' really fucked up, like cutting them into tiny pieces, or somethin'.

LEIGH: No! Stop talking about it!

JULES: Sorry. And yeah, sorry about what my aunt did. If it makes ya feel better, I wasn't gonna vote for that Dark guy anyways. I wasn't gonna vote at all, but now I'm really committed to it.

{Tracy arrives with cereal for both Jules and Leigh, serving them.}

TRACY: I hear good fortune has crossed paths with you.

LEIGH: It... has.

{Leigh cocks a brow. He then looks Tracy up and down.}

JULES: Somethin' amiss?

LEIGH: Hm...

{Leigh closes his eyes, and shakes his head.}

LEIGH: Something was on my mind, but I forgot. I'm at least set for a little bit, but...

{Leigh blinks. Tracy is gone.}

LEIGH: Where'd he go?

{Cut to Tracy having left, obscuring himself from view from Jules and Leigh. He has headphones on, and turns on the mic attached to them.}

TRACY: Alright, I think this has backfired a tad. He's now intensely paranoid.

{Cut back to Leigh, who still has Garfield's wallet. He rifles through it.}

LEIGH: Wait, this has an address!

{Jules facepalms.}

LEIGH: ...hang on, this address...

{Jules shows Leigh his phone. A map of Townindale is shown on it. Zoom into the map to show the position of Volkov's pierogi bar, then zoom inward. Cut to Volkov and Garfield both serving multiple guests at a now busy establishment. Most of the patrons therein are wearing business suits, and two of them - Rosato and Giuliano - are recognizable amongst the crowd.}