(even if you aren't vegan)


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Showcasing a "pre-Heist" intro that wouldn't have made it in Current Wikihood's state.


{Cut to Chaos, who is in Lex's room. Inside, there are plans to commit a Heist against Xavier D'Arque. A knock can be heard on the door.}

GARFIELD: {muffled} Lex? You take the-

{Chaos opens the door, revealing Garfield with a plate of empanadas.}


CHAOS: Oh, uh...

GARFIELD: I sometimes work from home. My Dragon boss, Xiorno-

CHAOS: You have a Dragon for a boss?

GARFIELD: NoxCorp has a job ecosystem whose diversity is unparalleled. It was once founded by a Gorgon, and then I also have a hyper-intelligent psionic Frog and a Gargoyle for higher-ups.

CHAOS: I wish I could've said the same about HappyMart...

GARFIELD: I heard you got fired for calling your coworkers "a bunch of cun-"

{Chaos slams the door on Garfield, stopping his sentence. After a few seconds, he opens it again.}

CHAOS: Don't remind me.

GARFIELD: Say, what are you working on, anyway?

CHAOS: Last name "Xavier D'Arque's Fundraiser," first name "High-stakes robbery against."

GARFIELD: Didn't Lex vocally disapprove of you going back into crime?

CHAOS: Yeah, but trying to find a second job after the HappyMart fiasco has been a major dead end.

GARFIELD: I could've sworn Xepnara would've been willing to hire you.

CHAOS: I'm not working at a bakery.

GARFIELD: But you could be making...

{Garfield takes out some gold sunglasses, and puts them on.}

GARFIELD: Hella bread.

CHAOS: Don't make me slam the door on your face again.

{Short pause.}

GARFIELD: Okay, fine. I figured we're not exactly the best of friends, but I can still provide you with some gadgets to facilitate your success. Ooh, I know!

{Garfield goes into his room, and takes out some hi-tech guns that look vaguely like crossbows.}

GARFIELD: How about guns?

CHAOS: What reason would I need to use guns in a Heist?

GARFIELD: You have to defend yourself with something. Why do you think I carry these in the first place?

CHAOS: Because you're a bloody weirdo?

GARFIELD: Well, you have me at "bloody," what with my attempt at Sangromancy.

CHAOS: Wait, hang on... what?

GARFIELD: I wanted to be a Sangromancer, to expand my portfolio as a hardcore biochemist. What, do you guys call Blood Mages by a different name?

CHAOS: I've always heard the term was "Hemomancer."

GARFIELD: Why would anyone want to be a He Man-mancer?

CHAOS: No, no, no, no...

{Chaos facepalms.}

CHAOS: What's your plan?

GARFIELD: We get back at Leon Sobek for being an exploitative pissant who's shitting all over the wildlife Africa and South America while also indirectly responsible for damning people in our home turf to perpetual poverty?

{Chaos is visibly stunned into silence.}

GARFIELD: Sobek also funded a film company who abused a dead producer's friends, so I want to yiff his dick to death.

CHAOS: I have a ground rule, and that's no murder. Kind of why I vetoed the guns.

{Garfield blinks.}

GARFIELD: I applaud you for having standards that which I do not.

CHAOS: Alright, so how do we rob Happy Mart?

GARFIELD: One of us feigns a grocery shopping trip as the distraction, the other gets to find out where the money is kept and steal it. I kind of want you to be the one that steals it, for the "poetique" irony and so you can get the revenge I'm sure you've-

CHAOS: I really don't have much of a beef with HappyMart, personally.

GARFIELD: Have you never considered throwing a milkshake at Felicia's ugly mug?

CHAOS: Uh... no.

GARFIELD: I see I'm going to have to teach you how to be a Villain.

{End particular excerpt, but the general idea would be that Garfield and Chaos take on HappyMart as kind of a Warm Up Boss to Xavier D'Arque's Fundraiser.}