Ben and Alex visit The United States of America/Alaska

in this episode, ben and alex find themselves in communist alaska, property of the supreme leader, comrade sarah palin

transcript

{Ben and Alex have touched down in the Karl Marx Anchorage International Airport, Alaska. As soon as they step out of the plane, they notice armed guards patrolling the entire airport and professionally painted portraits of Palin almost everywhere.}

ALEX: Well, it looks like we're now in Alaska!

ben: what gives who is that bitch and why is she everywhere

ALEX: Ben! Don't you know who that is? That is Alaska's supreme socialist leader, Comrade Palin! She's owned this country ever since she liberated it from the Soviet Union!

BEN: oh oops

ALEX: Oops is right, you barmy army mem-

{Attack huskies in shock collars swarm Alex and Ben. They wake up in a dark room, a light is shone in their face. Seems like they're getting interrogated}

VOICE THAT PAUSES FOR EFFECT TO MAKE SOUNDBITES EVERY COUPLE OF SECONDS AND SOUNDS LIKE SOMEONE TRYING REALLY HARD TO SOUND EARTHY: We found the both of you on the CCTV cameras we have hooked up to our FREE HOSPITALS.

BEN: what's happening?? did alex punch me in the back of the head for being a nonce again?

VOICE THAT PAUSES FOR EFFECT TO MAKE SOUNDBITES EVERY COUPLE OF SECONDS AND SOUNDS LIKE SOMEONE TRYING REALLY HARD TO SOUND EARTHY: Nonce...how long it has been...since I heard that word.

BEN: come off it, lad, who are you?

VOICE THAT PAUSES FOR EFFECT TO MAKE SOUNDBITES EVERY COUPLE OF SECONDS AND SOUNDS LIKE SOMEONE TRYING REALLY HARD TO SOUND EARTHY: Who am I? Why I am the leader of the AKGB, which stands for Alaska KGB! I also used to rule some other communist party but whatever. Besides the point i'm tony blair

TONY BLAIR: hey everyone

BEN: oh my god it's tony blair i love you tony blair i love you tony blair i love you tonyyyyyyyy

ALEX: WHAT A CUNT

BEN: alex, no.

TONY BLAIR: No no, it's fine really, I really am a cunt, no shame in that.

ALEX: Anyway, why have you kidnapped us? We demand to see our lawyers!!

TONY BLAIR: Silly little boy. In Soviet Alaska, there are no lawyers.

ALEX: Oh come on. Are seriously the only things here Ice and communists? What is this, Canada?

TONY BLAIR: No, but according to my sources, we ARE about to annex them.

ALEX: oh no my home country

{Alex is filled with patriotic rage and grows a giant moose out of his crotch, which he hits tony blair with.}

ALEX: TOUGH ON CRIME, TOUGH ON THE CAUSES OF CRIME

BEN: you disgust me alex.

ALEX: you're right, cunt is a very rude word

BEN: no i mean canada, ew

{Cut to Alex and Ben trudging through the snow which is a metaphor FOR OPPRESSION}

BEN: I can't believe Alaska's become communist

ALEX: This is a disaster, I blame Tony Blair and Sarah Palin

{All of the sudden, the two meet Nikolai Volkoff, who is meditating in the snow}

BEN AND ALEX: NIKOLAI VOLKOFF!!

NIKOLAI VOLKOFF: Indeed, I am Nikolai Volkoff!! What do you two vant from me?

BEN: We wouldn't mind some transportation

ALEX: Yeah, after Tony Blair threw us out of Anchorage, we've been stuck in the snow!

NIKOLAI VOLKOFF: Hop on my back, comrades! I will take you where you need to go while singing the SOVIET ANTHEM

{Nikolai Volkoff gets on the ground on all fours like a bear, and Ben and Alex proceed to ride on his back. Immediately, Nikolai Volkoff takes off, clearing through the snow like a Russian Sickle}

NIKOLAI VOLKOFF: Союз нерушимый республик свободных

Сплотила навеки Великая Русь.

Да здравствует созданный волей народов

Единый, могучий Советский Союз!

Славься, Отечество наше свободное,

Дружбы народов надёжный оплот!

Знамя Советское, знамя народное

Пусть от победы к победе ведёт!

Сквозь грозы сияло нам солнце свободы,

И Ленин великий нам путь озарил:

Нас вырастил Сталин — на верность народу,

На труд и на подвиги нас вдохновил!

Славься, Отечество наше свободное,

Счастья народов надёжный оплот!

Знамя Советское, знамя народное

Пусть от победы к победе ведёт!

Мы армию нашу растили в сраженьях.

Захватчиков подлых с дороги сметём!

Мы в битвах решаем судьбу поколений,

Мы к славе Отчизну свою поведём!

Славься, Отечество наше свободное,

Славы народов надёжный оплот!

Знамя Советское, знамя народное

Пусть от победы к победе ведёт!

BEN AND ALEX: God bless the Soviet Union, true inheritors to the land of Alaska!

{after 50 repeatitions of the soviet anthem, nikolai volkoff has taken the two to a communist inuit village}

ALEX: Thanks for the ride, Mr. Volkoff!

NIKOLAI VOLKOFF: it was of no problem comrade

{Ben and Alex walk up to an inuit, who seems to be carrying a basket}

BEN: Hello, mellow fellow? My I enquire to as what we could do to escape this podunk town?

INUIT: This basket october labour loterry. you are alaskan citizen, you in line. i draw job for you and your girlfriend.

{The inuit draws a ball from the basket, opens it up and finds a kinder egg inside. He unwraps the kinder egg, eats it, and opens the orange ball to find a scrap of paper, which says "Josef's babysitter}

ALEX: Josef's...babysitter?

INUIT: You lucky fuck. You go get to babysit young Josef.

BEN: Who the dingles is Josef?

INUIT: You do not know of Josef? Josef is surpreme leader son. Josef will lead Soviet Alaska to glory. You two will bring honor to your savage people. Now go.

{The inuit picks Ben and Alex up and puts them both in a specially made inuit cannon, firing them into the distance. Flying through the skies, they land in the Anchorage Presidential Palace, right where Supreme Leader Palin and Tony Blair are raising their young son, who is in fact a baby Joseph Stalin.}

SARAH PALIN: Well if you'll look at that, guys! Lil' baby Josef's got himself a braaaaaand new babysitter!

TONY BLAIR: Oh, it's the two wankers again!

ALEX: BETTER A WANKER THAN A CUNT

SARAH PALIN: Now, that's not a very nice way to talk about my husband, even if he is a cunt!

TONY BLAIR: Oh no, it's fine, we met before. I am most definitely a cunt, no doubt about it.

SARAH PALIN: You two gotta play nice with Lil' Baby Josef now, alright? He's gon' be the new leader once I die!

{Tony and Sarah palin walk off to look at my little pony butts or something}

TONY BLAIR: im secretly ok

BEN: So, Josef, what do you enjoy doing?

JOSEF: wait in line.

ALEX: That's kind of a weird hobby.

JOSEF: was not hobby, is order.

ALEX: what do you

JOSEF: disobey and you will be send to gulag.

ALEX: okay sorry jeez

{Ben, Alex, and Josef form a line. Suddenly, ben gets THIS LOOK ON HIS FACE}

BEN: *whispering big time* I have a plan to escape alex

ALEX: How how how do we do this

BEN: Follow me lead *not whispering anymore* IT'S CONGA

{Ben begins playing a rumba beat and Alex, Josef and Ben conga dance out of Josef's room, through all the snow, and into their car}