The SkullB Show/47

HARRY: Come on, you two! Get over here!

Overview

Episode 47: Honduras Harry and the Temple of the Sun

While on a vacation to Mexico, Number Two and Assistant meet a famous explorer.

Transcript

{Open: the Living Room.}

SKULLB: Ahh, hell. We're not going to be in this one.

JERRY: Dang.

CASEY: We should go on a hunger strike!

SKULLB: ... Good idea.

{Cue opening theme.}

{Cut: an airport in Mexico. The Zweiblitz flies onto the airstrip and lands. After landing, Number Two and Assistant walk out.}

NUMBER TWO: You know, this was a great idea!

ASSISTANT: Yeah, I figured taking a vacation for a bit would be a good idea.

NUMBER TWO: You think? Man, villainy is stressful!

ASSISTANT: So, we should probably head to the hotel now.

NUMBER TWO: Yeah, I need a rest after sitting for five hours straight.

ASSISTANT: {sing-song} Irony!

{Assistant and Number Two start walking toward the street, until they suddenly stumble upon a man, dressed in a white, button-up shirt and a pair of khaki cargoes, wearing a trilby. He is holding a compass, a map, and a canteen.}

ASSISTANT: Excuse me, sir?

???: Hm?

ASSISTANT: Yes, we're tourists. Do you know where the hotel is?

???: Hotel? Why rest?

NUMBER TWO: Why what now?

???: Why rest when adventure's afoot, gentlemen?

NUMBER TWO: ... Assistant, I love your taste in bystanders to ask for directions.

ASSISTANT: Hey! It's not my fault he's-

HARRY: Honduras Harry, famed explorer! I've travelled the Amazon, conquered the Congo, and climbed the Andes in search of adventure, treasure, and adventure!

ASSISTANT: ... Honduras Harry?

HARRY: Quite right, gentlemen!

NUMBER TWO: Oh, God, he's like Indiana Jones but real.

HARRY: Quite right, quite right! So, gentlemen... why have you come here?

ASSISTANT: We just wanted to go on vacation, that's all...

HARRY: Well, why not come with me? We'll have a splendid journey through the jungles of Central America!

NUMBER TWO: Oh, come on! I came here to relax, not-

HARRY: Trek through the jungle of Panama and find the secrets of the Olmec civilization... that was my dream. And for years, it has evaded me...

NUMBER TWO: Stop finishing my sentence, you jerk.

HARRY: But today, I embark on an intrepid expedition--and you two will be beside me as we scale the ancient ziggurats and finally uncover the secrets of the Sun Gods!

ASSISTANT: Really, we'd rather-

HARRY: Not only will you two accompany me, you shall also recieve a cut of the profits--when selling the treasure, of course.

NUMBER TWO: Welp. I'm sold.

ASSISTANT: {sighs} My contract forces me to come with you, so...

HARRY: Very well! Tonight we disembark... for adventure!

{Harry walks off.}

ASSISTANT: Great. We get to go to Panama and find the Sun God treasure.

NUMBER TWO: It's your fault, you know! You had to take us on vacation.

ASSISTANT: How was I going to know Honduras Whatshisname was going to drag us to Panama?

NUMBER TWO: ... I guess you weren't. But I'm still blaming it on you.

{Cut: a dock. A small boat drifts up to it, with Harry, Number Two, and Assistant on board.}

HARRY: Here we are! The jungles of Panama!

ASSISTANT: Didn't we just see a sign about that?

{Cut: some signs. They read, in order, "ITS GETTING DARK" "AND SPOOKY TOO" "IN PANAMA" "EAT BIG LEAGUE CHEW".}

ASSISTANT: I didn't think the natives knew any English, to be honest.

NUMBER TWO: I didn't know they knew about Big League Chew.

HARRY: Well, it cuts down on searching, now doesn't it?

ASSISTANT: So... are we going to get off the boat.

HARRY: Soon, soon.

{Harry poses on the front of the boat, one leg up on the point.}

HARRY: Do either of you have a camera on hand?

{Cut: the spooky jungle. The three are trudging through, Harry in the lead. Every so often, Harry cuts away some bushes with a machete.}

ASSISTANT: I think there's a bug in my hair. Is there a bug in my hair?

NUMBER TWO: No, it's just a spider.

ASSISTANT: ... Like that's any better...

{Harry quickly, using the flat of his blade, sweeps the spider off of Assistant's head.}

ASSISTANT: AAAH

HARRY: Relax, I'm a master of the {pronounces "ma-sheet"} machete.

ASSISTANT: WHAT IF I HAD DIED

NUMBER TWO: Oh, what if.

HARRY: Shh! Up ahead... I hear it. The distinct call of the Guadalajara Rock Python!

NUMBER TWO: The what now?

HARRY: Quiet... just let me go ahead.

{Cut: a Pitfall!-styled view. A pixelated Harry runs up to a pixellated snake. Harry jumps over.}

HARRY: Come on, you two! Get over here!

{Pixelated Number Two and Assistant both run and jump over the snake.}

{Cut: the other end of the jungle. The three look normal once more.}

NUMBER TWO: That was- that was too close.

ASSISTANT: I can't believe we got so many platinum bars!

HARRY: Agreed.

{Harry holds up some bars of platinum.}

HARRY: But we're not here for platinum!

{Harry tosses the platinum at Number Two, who catches them.}

HARRY: No... we are here for this!

{The camera swivels around to show a massive temple.}

HARRY: The lost temple of the Sun God!

ASSISTANT: Well... it's a lot more impressive than I thought it would be.

HARRY: Well? Shall we enter the temple?

ASSISTANT: ... I don't know.

NUMBER TWO: Don't be a wuss, Assistant. There might be more bag of golds in there!

ASSISTANT: ... Alright, whatever. Lead us in, Indy.

HARRY: Harry.

ASSISTANT: Yeah, whatever.

{The three ascend the temple, only to be met by a closed door.}

HARRY: ... Blast. The door seems to be stuck...

ASSISTANT: You mean closed?

HARRY: Quiet. I'm the explorer here.

{Harry starts examining the door.}

HARRY: Hmmm... it looks like... we need to... open it!

NUMBER TWO: {offscreen} No {ba-leep}, Sherlock.

{Number Two walks up to the door and punches it down.}

ASSISTANT: Since when could you do that?

NUMBER TWO: Dude. I'm a friggin' robot.

HARRY: My, you're a useful one.

NUMBER TWO: Well, I hate to toot my own horn, but... wait, I love doing that!

{The three walk inside.}

{Cut: inside the temple. A massive chamber sprawls out before the group, with water coming out of stone heads along the walls, and a massive lake below. The only way across is a rickety wooden bridge.}

NUMBER TWO: ... I don't like this anymore.

ASSISTANT: I never did.

HARRY: Wow... amazing. Never in my life as an explorer have I seen anything so majestic, a-

NUMBER TWO: Enough waxing poetic, Dr. Livingston! Let's just get going so I can get these platinum bars {holds up said bars} to a bank or summat.

HARRY: Quite, quite. Now is not the time for soliloquy. For we must traverse this bridge!

{Harry takes a step onto the bridge and the whole thing falls apart.}

ASSISTANT: Alright, the bridge is broken. Let's leave.

HARRY: No, not yet! I have a plan.

{Timeswipe. Number Two's arms and legs are stretched out, and he is sprawled across the chasm. Assistant and Harry are walking on top of him.}

ASSISTANT: Wow! For once, I'm on top!

NUMBER TWO: I'm this close to letting go, I swear I am.

{Harry and Assistant make it over to the other side.}

HARRY: Hark! We've successfully crossed the chasm!

NUMBER TWO: Can I come over, yet?

HARRY: Yes, yes.

{Number Two somehow retracts his limbs and gets over the chasm.}

NUMBER TWO: Alright, finally.

{Harry and the others enter the next chamber. Inside there is a small, circular room with a single chameleon-shaped gargoyle.}

HARRY: Astounding...

{Harry walks up to the chameleon and starts running his hand along the surface.}

HARRY: The stonework is... impeccable! My word, this must be at least a thousand years old, if not more!

ASSISTANT: Uuuurgh...

NUMBER TWO: Hey, before you get too excited, mind telling us what the deal is with the dead end?

HARRY: ... Wait a mo'... what's this?

{Harry puts his hand on the chameleon' left eye and pushes in. The gargoyle's mouth opens.}

HARRY: Interesting!

NUMBER TWO: ... That's it?

HARRY: Gentlemen... I'm not sure what to say. Perhaps we should put our hand inside the gargoyle's mouth?

ASSISTANT: That's... not a good idea. At all.

HARRY: I volunteer the pasty man to go first! He seems the adventurous type!

ASSISTANT: ... If it makes you happy, sure.

{Assistant sticks his hand in the gargoyle's mouth. It suddenly clamps down, and Assistant screams.}

ASSISTANT: MY HAND!

{A hidden door opens behind the gargoyle. Harry and Number Two enter.}

HARRY: Come, pale man!

ASSISTANT: It's... stuck! I can't get out!

HARRY: Then leave the hand behind!

ASSISTANT: ... You're kidding.

NUMBER TWO: Heh, do it! It'll be funny!

ASSISTANT: ... Hold on.

{Assistant wriggles his arm around and pulls his arm free, sans hand.}

ASSISTANT: FFFFFFF

NUMBER TWO: Hahaha, ewww.

HARRY: Are you alright, pale man?

ASSISTANT: ... I just lost my damn hand.

NUMBER TWO: Chill, it's just your right hand. You're a leftie anyway.

ASSISTANT: ... True, it's not the biggest loss.

HARRY: Come! There's much more to see!

{The three continue on. In the next chamber is a massive stone pillar, with narrow stairs leading up to it. Around it is a huge lake. At the top of the stone pillar is a beam of light, coming from a hole in the temple roof.}

HARRY: ... Wow. I haven't got the words to describe it...

ASSISTANT: Good.

NUMBER TWO: So, what do you think this room's for?

HARRY: I believe this is the Sun God's altar...

ASSISTANT: Good, then we can get out of here soon. I'm losing a lot of blood.

HARRY: Shh! Come with me.

{The three ascend the narrow stairs and arrive in front of the altar. Harry approaches the altar, and is suddenly thrown back by what appears to be a blast of light.}

HARRY: Oof! What was that?

NUMBER TWO: Uhh...

{Before the three there appears a massive figure made of flame.}

HUITZILOPOCHTLI: WHO DISTURBS MY SLUMBER...

HARRY: Uh... h-hello.

ASSISTANT: N-nice to meet you. I'd shake hands, but... {holds up stump} Heh...

HUITZILOPOCHTLI: I AM THE GREAT HUITZILOPOCHTLI, GOD OF THE SUN. WHAT BRINGS YOU TO MY CHAMBERS?

HARRY: We come in s-search of treasure.

NUMBER TWO: Yeah, yours.

HUITZILOPOCHTLI: ... YOU ARE COMPLETELY SERIOUS?

HARRY: Y-yes.

HUITZILOPOCHTLI: YOU MORTALS ARE AWARE THAT I AM ONE OF THE MOST POWERFUL GODS ON THIS EARTH, AND I CAN STRIKE YOU DOWN WITH A SINGLE TOUCH OF MY PINKY FINGER?

NUMBER TWO: Hey, Pitfall Harry here doesn't seem to have a problem with it.

HUITZILOPOCHTLI: YOU ARE TRULY COURAGEOUS, AND I CAN GIVE YOU CREDIT FOR THAT. HOWEVER, I HAVE NO TREASURE.

HARRY: R-really?

HUITZILOPOCHTLI: YES, REALLY. FRESH OUT OF GOLD. THOSE DAMN DIRTY SPANIARDS TOOK THEM.

ASSISTANT: Hey! Don't say that--that's racist!

HUITZILOPOCHTLI: THEY TOOK OUR GOLD, KILLED OUR PEOPLE AND RAPED OUR LAND. DO YOU REALLY THINK WE CAN RESPECT THE SPANISH ANYMORE?

ASSISTANT: ... You've got a pretty good point.

HUITZILOPOCHTLI: I'LL TELL YOU WHAT... I'LL GIVE YOU A COUPON FOR FREE FOOD FROM TACO BELL. HOW'S THAT SOUND?

HARRY: ... Never!

{Harry takes his machete and stabs Huitzilopochtli with it. The sun god emits a piercing cry that shakes the entire room.}

NUMBER TWO: Dude! Not cool!

'HUITZILOPOCHTLI: YOU... YOU'VE TRIED TO KILL ME! THIS IS A SEVERE OFFENCE, MORTAL!

HARRY: Give me the damn treasure already, you fool! I'm not leaving without it!

HUITZILOPOCHTLI: THEN YOU LEAVE ME NO CHOICE, MORTAL... YOU SHALL FOREVER BE CONFINED IN WHAT YOU SEEK!

{Huitzilopochtli fires a ray of light at Harry and encases him in gold.}

HUITZILOPOCHTLI: AS FOR THE REST OF YOU... YOU SHALL DIE WITH HIM!

{Huitzilopochtli disappears, and the temple starts to crumble.}

NUMBER TWO: Oh, this sucks.

ASSISTANT: Come on, run!

{The two start running down the stairs, the steps crumbling behind them. As they head to the door back, it collapses and blocks off all exits.}

NUMBER TWO: Oh, great! We're going to die in this temple!

ASSISTANT: Not yet... Jump in the water!

{Assistant and Number Two jump into the water and are carried down a river inside the temple. Behind them as they float quickly down the river, the passage crumbles. Eventually, the two are thrown outside the temple and out into the air--right above a waterfall.}

NUMBER TWO: Oh, great. We're going to die in this waterfall.

ASSISTANT: Not quite! WHISTLE-TWEE!

{The Zweiblitz, out of nowhere, flies under the two and catches them both. Now safe, the two fly off, leaving the crumbling temple behind.}

{Cut: in front of Number Two's house. The Zweiblitz (now newly coated with a platinum sheen) lands, and Number Two and Assistant walk out.}

ASSISTANT: So... no more vacations?

NUMBER TWO: Agreed.

{Pause.}

ASSISTANT: I wonder what Skullbuggy's doing?

{The two walk nextdoor and open the door to see SkullB, Jerry and Casey, on the ground, out cold.}

ASSISTANT: Well, they lived up to the cold opening.

NUMBER TWO: Yep.

{Fade to black.}

{Fade in: the ruins of the temple. The golden statue of Harry is still where it stood. Suddenly, it cracks, and the gold breaks to reveal Harry, safe and sound.}

HARRY: Ha-ha! Harry Honduras can never be killed! Never! Ahahahaha-

{A piece of rubble falls from the sky, crushing Harry.}

HARRY: OOF. I DIE.

{Cue credits.}