Zippy Emails/emails/25

Overview

Zippy Email #25: diet

Zippy gets health-conscious and starts getting into shape. But when can a man get too healthy?

Transcript

ZIPPY: {to the tune of "Rock this Town"} We're gonna check this mail! Check it inside out! Daaaah-nah-nana-nah! {opens email}

subject: Fatty McFatterson

OH HO HO HO ZIPPY
YOU'RE LOOKING A LITTLE CHUBBY
OHOHOHOHOHOHO!

{Zippy doesn't read the email. Rather, he just looks at it for a couple seconds. He looks hurt as he scans the email.}

ZIPPY: {typing} You... you think I'm fat? Really? ... No, that can't be! I'm in the best shape of my life!

{Zoom out. Zippy gets up and looks at himself in a mirror.}

ZIPPY: See! These love handles just mean I'm in good shape! Heh... yeah!

{Pause.}

ZIPPY: {increasingly panicked} I can't be fat! I need to prove this to you all! I'm gonna go out and do some excersise, just to prove you all wrong!

{Zippy runs outside.}

{Cut: Zippy's Backyard. Zippy is wearing armbands for some reason now. Mitch peeks over his fence.}

ZIPPY: Oh, hey, Mitch!

MITCH: Zippy! You're outside the house! That's a new one.

ZIPPY: Yeah... I'm just here... doing some excersise.

MITCH: ... Wow. You're pretty health-conscious now, aren't you?

ZIPPY: No, not at all! I just... heh, wanted to do some excersises. That's all. Now watch me do some push-ups!

{Zippy gets on the ground. He tries to lift his body up, but falls back down.}

MITCH: Nice.

ZIPPY: Heh, just a... just a malfunction, I guess! Let me try that again.

{Zippy tries again, failing like before.}

MITCH: I envy you, you know that?

ZIPPY: Oh, shut up.

MITCH: Well, try doing some laps! That's a good health indicator if there ever was one.

ZIPPY: Alright, running! I can do that one!

{Zippy starts to run. After five or so seconds, he starts to get exhausted. He eventually falls over in fatigue.}

ZIPPY: {panting} I guess... I guess I can't do that one.

MITCH: Huh. You're out of shape, man.

ZIPPY: {breaking down} Oh, don't you think I know that? I'm a wreck! I can't run, I can't push up, I can't do anything right any more! I'm hideous!

{Zippy starts to cry.}

MITCH: Wow. I can honestly say I feel sorry for you. ... Listen, I was into bodybuilding back in my high school days, so...

ZIPPY: {suddenly happy} You'll teach me how to get in shape?

MITCH: Yeah... I guess.

ZIPPY: Oh, thank you!

{Zippy goes over to Mitch and hugs him.}

ZIPPY: You're the best friend I've ever-

MITCH: Keep hugging me and the deal is off.

ZIPPY: {lets go} Alright, alright. Let's... let's head to the gym, then.

{Cut: Mitch's gym. Zippy and Mitch are there, in excersise garb.}

ZIPPY: You have a gym in your house?!

MITCH: Ehh, every so often I like to train. Keeps me healthy.

ZIPPY: Huh. I really don't know much about you, do I?

MITCH: Doesn't look like it.

ZIPPY: So! What should I start with?

MITCH: Well, obviously, your upper body is in dire need of training. I mean, you can't even do a push-up!

ZIPPY: Don't remind me.

MITCH: For that, I'd recommend the bench press. Lots of help with the deltoids!

ZIPPY: Yeah... sure. I need more deltoids and altoids anyhow.

{Zippy walks over to the bench and lies down.}

ZIPPY: Okay! I can lie down! This is easy!

MITCH: Uh... you need to lift the weights.

ZIPPY: Oh. That's what this is for again.

{Zippy takes the weights in his hands, lifts up, and stays in the lifting position.}

MITCH: Good! You're doing gre-

{The weights fall and start crushing Zippy.}

MITCH: Oh, boy.

ZIPPY: {choking} A little help?

MITCH: Yeah, sure.

{Mitch lifts the weights with ease off of Zippy and places them back on the bench.}

ZIPPY: {gasping} Oof! That was close!

MITCH: Zippy, those were only ten pounds. Combined.

ZIPPY: Yeah, but those things were heavy, man!

MITCH: {sighs} How about we try something... less difficult. For you, I mean.

{Mitch walks Zippy over to a treadmill.}

MITCH: Like the treadmill! You can walk, right?

ZIPPY: Barely. But I'll try--after all, I need to get in shape!

{Zippy turns the treadmill on. As soon as he puts his feet on it, he is thrown into the wall.}

ZIPPY: {offscreen} My parts!

MITCH: Maybe putting it on the highest setting wasn't a good idea, Zip.

ZIPPY: {offscreen} Well, you have been right about these things before. Like... all the time.

MITCH: Let's do something even easier. If there... is anything easier than walking.

{Mitch picks up a ball.}

MITCH: Here! Try the medicine ball!

ZIPPY: Aw, heck! I hate medicine. It's so chalky...

MITCH: N- no. It's just called a medicine ball, Zippy, it's not really made of- oh, forget it, just catch the ball!

{Mitch tosses the ball at Zippy, who, while attempting to catch it, is crushed under the weight.}

MITCH: Cool. You're doing prett good.

ZIPPY: Don't... gh- don't rub it in.

{Zippy tosses the medicine ball off and gets off the floor.}

ZIPPY: Listen, Mitch... I was thinking-

MITCH: That's a new one. Buh-zing!

ZIPPY: {frustrated} ... but seriously, I don't think the "healthy" lifestyle is for me. It's too painful!

MITCH: Ehh, it figures. The one time I help you out and you turn me down.

ZIPPY: Yeah. You're- you're not really helpful.

MITCH: Yeah, I guess you're right.

{Pause.}

MITCH: If you're not gonna excersise, get out of my house.

ZIPPY: Can do!

{Cut: Zippy's Bedroom.}

ZIPPY: {sighs} Looks like I'll never be healthy. Whatevs! That's fine with me!

{Zippy's ZCell starts ringing.}

ZIPPY: Oh, hey! New email!

subject: healthy

Dear Zippy,
How do you stay so darn healthy all the time?
Are you a health nut?

-LD

ZIPPY: {typing} You know what, Elldy? No. I'm not! {speaking} So that's it for today! Tune in next time, all y'alls!

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