The SkullB Show/43

Overview

Episode 43: Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds

woah dude

Transcript

{Open: Lucy's Office. Lucy is sitting at her desk, filing papers. Chernobog comes in.}

CHERNOBOG: Hey, milady! How's it going?

LUCY: Chernobog, you know damn well not to talk to your supervisors like that. Or are you numb in the head, my winged worker?

CHERNOBOG: Oh... sorry, ma'am. So... how goes the paperwork?

LUCY: Dull and boring, as always. Chernobog, there is absolutely no excitement here! The brimstone smell is irritating, the people are horrible, and Lake of Fire gets old after a week! I just wish there was a way to spice up my life.

CHERNOBOG: Cheer up, boss! There's going to be something exciting soon, I just know it!

LUCY: Well! I'll have to take your word for it, I guess. And if you're wrong, I slit your throat and drown you in the magma.

CHERNOBOG: Again?

{Cue opening theme. This time, the theme is replaced with The Beatles' "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds".}

{Cut: the Living Room. Jerry and SkullB are sitting at the couch, watching the news.}

JERRY: The news is always so depressing. It's as if they put the horrible stories first so they keep you morbidly interested.

SKULLB: That's how they increase viewership, Jerry. It should be obvious by now that humans, by nature, enjoy seeing tragedy. Albeit, it's a morbid curiosity, but it keeps them interested. After all, what's more exciting--a bus fire or a box full of kittens?

JERRY: You have a good point.

{Pause.}

JERRY: Why do I feel the sudden urge to hop in a red wagon and ride down a hill?

SKULLB: I dunno. ... Hey, check out the news!

{Zoom in on the screen.}

GUY: Guy Newscaster here with another fascinating story. According to schools around the US, a new drug has been discovered being used by students. In a desperate attempt to lose the last few brain cells they have, children have started burning, smoking and eating a plant that was introduced over one-hundred years ago by the Portuguese. This plant is known by naturalists as the Portuguese blue thistle, and known to "users" as "thizzle".

{A picture of the Portuguese blue thistle is shown on the screen.}

GUY: So, how do you know if your child or teen is using thizzle? It can be identified by several key terms--for example, the act using thizzle is called "steaming", referring to the act of lighting up the plant and inhaling the smoke. This act is also referred to as "ding-donging", "ridin' heidi", and "cutting the bologna", for some reason. That's it for this special report on what will kill your child--now for sports!

{Zoom out.}

JERRY: See what I mean? It's horrible to focus on these kind of things!

SKULLB: Well, it figures.

{Pause.}

JERRY: Hey, you want to go find some of this stuff and smoke it?

SKULLB: Nuh-uh, man. Remember that time I tried that salvia?

JERRY: You mean the time when you broke every window in the house, hoping the ghosts would go away?

SKULLB: Yep.

JERRY: I see where you're coming from. But, unlike you, I don't give a rat's hind-quarters. So I'm gonna go find some thistle.

{Jerry walks out of the room.}

SKULLB: ... Yeesh. You see one news report...

{Casey and Fran walk in.}

SKULLB: Hey, ladies!

CASEY: Hey, Skully! ... Where's Jerry?

SKULLB: Oh, him? He's going to pick some thistles.

CASEY: Oh. That sounds stupid.

SKULLB: You're right.

FRAN: Well, anyway, here's the reason we came here--we're starting a band!

SKULLB: Really? Is it one of those "riot grrrl" bands, or those punk rock bands with a girl lead? Or is it something dumber?

FRAN: Nope! We're a Beatles cover band!

CASEY: We call ourselves "Diamond Sky"!

SKULLB: Wow. That is exponentially gay.

{Fran glares at SkullB.}

SKULLB: What?

CASEY: Anyhow, our first show is at the Amphitheatre, so you should come and see us!

SKULLB: I would, but... I really don't care. At all.

CASEY: Wow. Way to be supportive.

SKULLB: Hey, I gotta ask something. How did you learn to play instruments?

FRAN: Well, we noticed that in college, weed made you really good at playing guitar.

SKULLB: Oh. I see.

CASEY: Well, we've got to go now. Take care!

{Casey and Fran leave.}

SKULLB: Yeah, bye. Or whatever.

{Cut: the Lab. Assistant and Number Two are there.}

ASSISTANT: So, Master. What do we have in store for today?

NUMBER TWO: After taking a robotics course from DeVry, I learned how to make a fembot!

ASSISTANT: ... Really.

NUMBER TWO: Yep! And after making a fembot, I equipped it with nuclear weaponry for no real reason!

ASSISTANT: ... Really.

NUMBER TWO: What? What's your problem this time?

ASSISTANT: I don't know, I'm just expecting it to be a heap of parts oh-so-neatly assembled into the vague shape of a woman. But hey, that's just my "glass-half-empty" mentality leaking into our conversation.

NUMBER TWO: ... Why do you have to confuse me? {clears throat} Anyways, here she is!

{Number Two reveals a sleek, curvy fembot. Assistant stares at it for a bit.}

ASSISTANT: ... What is she?

NUMBER TWO: Didn't I tell you she was a f- never mind.

ASSISTANT: Well, I've gotta ask--why did you make it a female of all things?

NUMBER TWO: It's simple! I created it to attract people, therefore luring them into a false sense of security! Everybody trusts a woman... right?

ASSISTANT: I... guess so?

NUMBER TWO: Right! Now, I'm going offscreen to do something.

{Number Two walks offscreen.}

ASSISTANT: ... Huh. You're a neat robot, aren't you? ... You need a name. How about... Lucy? Lucy sounds good.

{Cut: Lucy's Office. Lucy is at her desk, dozing off. Suddenly, Chernobog comes in. Lucy quickly wakes up.}

LUCY: Wh- bu- Chernobog! What are you doing?

CHERNOBOG: Lucy, you've got some mail!

LUCY: Really. Let me see.

{Chernobog hands Lucy an envelope. It is very ornate, with gold borders and sky blue paper.}

LUCY: Oh, God... I've got a good idea who sent this one.

{Cut: Heaven. Lucy and Chernobog arrive in a chariot. They exit the chariot to see a massive castle.}

LUCY: I hate coming here.

CHERNOBOG: You know, I've gotta ask--how come they get a castle and we get a giant skyscraper? Their castle is so... cool. Can we have a castle, boss?

LUCY: Castles are for squares. Real people have skyscrapers.

CHERNOBOG: ... Okay. Sorry.

LUCY: See, this is why I hate coming here. You always get jealous of the architecture.

CHERNOBOG: Oh. I thought it was all those devout Christians throwing rocks at you.

LUCY: They're only here because they're the majority. Apparently, the Jewish people were supposed to be here, but noooo, all the Christians were angry about it. Damn majority rights.

CHERNOBOG: Wow, we're definitely going to get some emails.

LUCY: Shut up.

{Cut: the Offices of Father, Son and Holy Ghost. Lucy walks in to be greeted by an angel.}

RAPHAEL: Welcome, Lucy. I take it you're here to see the Father?

LUCY: Yes, of course. Why else would I be here?

RAPHAEL: Alright, then. {presses a button on the intercom} Father? Lucy is here to see you.

GOD: {offscreen} Send her in.

{Lucy is escorted by Raphael to God's office. Inside the office, God (portrayed here as an old man) is at the desk.}

GOD: Hello, Lucy! It's been a while, hasn't it?

LUCY: Yes. Yes it has.

GOD: It feels like almost yesterday when I kicked you and your husband out of Heaven. Ahaha! Good times.

LUCY: Let's cut to the chase--why do you want me here? The Catholics are staring at me and it's quite uncomfortable.

GOD: Well, Lucy, it's about a citizen.

LUCY: Hm?

GOD: A man by the name of John Lennon, ma'am. It's been over twenty years and we still don't know what to do with him.

LUCY: Oh, you...

GOD: On one hand, he did introduce the notion of peace to the United States and, eventually, the world with his brand of music. Not to mention he made an impact on the music world, with the idea that music can be used for peace and love.

LUCY: So... what's the problem?

GOD: He cheated on his wife while he was alive.

LUCY: ... That's it? That's the only thing keeping him from maxing and relaxing in heaven?

GOD: That's about the size of it, yes.

LUCY: ... Just let him stay here! Sleeping with somebody else is inconsequential! Besides, who doesn't cheat on their wives every once in a while? My late husband had a harem of wives, and I didn't mind at all! Mostly because, you know, I killed them all after he passed away.

GOD: ... Wow are you screwed up. ... Alright, let's settle it this way: he has to play concerts with the rest of the dead Beatles for all eternity in both heaven and hell. It's the best of both worlds!

LUCY: I thought that was Van Halen who did that song.

GOD: No, it's a... it's a figure of speech.

LUCY: Oh. Got ya.

GOD: Alright, you can leave now.

LUCY: Thank you...

{Cut: the Living Room. SkullB walks in to see Jerry there, looking stoned and now, for some reason, with a long beard.}

SKULLB: ... Jerry? What happened?

JERRY: I took some of that thistle. Makes you feel gooood, you understand?

SKULLB: ... What?

JERRY: Man, you just don't get it, know what I'm saying?

SKULLB: ... Partially, yes.

JERRY: Try some, man. It'll enlighten you.

SKULLB: ... No way. Besides, I can't even process drugs, remember?

JERRY: Be that way, you Philistine. Just remember, when you're in a rut and you've dug yourself into a hole and you're between a rock and a hard place... you should have taken the path to enlightenment, man.

SKULLB: Sure. Whatever.

{SkullB starts to leave.}

SKULLB: Wait... what are you watching?

JERRY: Harold and Kumar, man. It's amazing how philosophical this movie is. It's a big message about life in general, and the malaise of all human kind...

SKULLB: Okay, something is wrong with you. I'm gonna go do something about this.

JERRY: You just don't get it.

{SkullB leaves.}

{Cut: the Decentville Amphitheater. A large crowd is assembled.}

ANNOUNCER: Our next act is a Beatles cover band from right here in Decentville! Give it up... for Diamond Sky!

{Fran and Casey walk onto the stage. Both of them are wearing 60's hippy-style outfits, and they both have guitars.}

CASEY: Hello, Decentville! How are we all doin' tonight?

{A large roar of applause comes from the crowd.}

FRAN: Great! Tonight, we'll be playing a classic!

{Fran and Casey start playing the song "Helter Skelter". The audience goes wild when the chorus plays.}

{Cut: backstage. Casey and Fran walk in from the stage and sit down.}

CASEY: Did you see that? They loved us!

FRAN: I know! We should play more often.

{A man in a suit walks up to the two.}

MAN: Hello, ladies. I'm a record contractor, and I like your style.

CASEY: {quietly, to Fran} Look out, he could be Satan!

FRAN: What?

MAN: Listen, can I get you a deal with my company, Screamin' Demon Records?

CASEY: {to Fran} Don't trust him! He's a demon!

MAN: No, no, no. You've got us all wrong! Our company is now a subsidiary of Atlantic Records-

CASEY: I knew it!

FRAN: D- don't listen to Casey. She's been a bit nutty since her last record deal. So, why do you want us to play under your label?

MAN: We heard your music, and I must say it's one of the best covers we've heard in a long while! So what do you say? If you do, we'll be featuring you at the DistOrted Tour!

FRAN: DistOrted? You mean the tour where hundreds of independent bands come and share their oh-so-tolerable music with the unwilling populace?

CASEY: Uh... Fran?

FRAN: What? The viewers need some plot exposition.

CASEY: Wow... that's a bit... out of character.

{Pause.}

CASEY: Yeah, we'll sign.

{Cut: the Backyard. SkullB walks out.}

SKULLB: Jerry, the peanut butter is too high. Can you reach it for me- OHMYGOD.

{Pan over to show a drum circle. Jerry is in it, wearing hippie clothes and still with beard.}

JERRY: Hey, man. How's it hangin'?

SKULLB: Jerry... what the hell is this?

JERRY: It's a drum circle. We use it to express our feelings through rhythm!

SKULLB: ... But that's completely stupid.

JERRY: You don't get it.

HIPPIE: What a Philistine!

JERRY: Yeah, Philistine!

SKULLB: God, forget you! you know what you're doing? You're killing yourself with this... this thistle. And you're no fun, either. So that sucks.

JERRY: Why don't you get lost, man? You're ruining our vibes, man.

SKULLB: See? All you do all day is talk about vibes and peace and harmony and all the stuff that sucks. Why can't you lay off the thistle and just be cool again?

JERRY: I don't know what you define "cool" as, but I definitely know what I'm doing does not suck.

SKULLB: Yeah? Well... you... stupid. Yeah! What? You just got burned!

JERRY: Whatever, little man.

SKULLB: ... {sputters for a bit, and then sighs} Never mind... I'm gonna go do something productive.

{Cut: the Lab. Assistant and Number Two are there.}

NUMBER TWO: Now, then... Assistant!

ASSISTANT: What?

NUMBER TWO: It's time to unleash... the fembot!

ASSISTANT: You mean Lucy?

NUMBER TWO: Yes, L- I mean no! Our robot does not have a name, damnit!

ASSISTANT: Well! Why did we name all of our other male robots, hm?

NUMBER TWO: Be- because- shut up. Let's just release "Lucy" or whatever you named her.

{Number Two presses a button on his console. Outside, the robot is shot from a cannon concealed in the chimney. She lands in a small field, a couple yards away.}

NUMBER TWO: Good! We should be able to keep tabs on her with this security camera.

ASSISTANT: Alright, I guess.

{Cut: the field. The robot gets up and surveys her surroundings.}

"LUCY": Targets not found. Beginning search sequence.

{The robot starts flying around, searching for people. Suddenly, she comes upon a drum circle--which includes Jerry.}

HIPPIE: ... Who is that?

"LUCY": Identification: I am known as gynoid "Lucy".

HIPPIE: ... Hahaha, what?

JERRY: Hold up, guys... what are you here for, metal mistress?

"LUCY": Reply: I have come to destroy.

JERRY: Sister, you need to relax. We don't destroy... we create!

"LUCY": Error: cannot process. I am unequipped for creation.

JERRY: No, I mean--we create peace.

"LUCY": Error: cannot process. I do not know what you mean.

JERRY: Come, sit down with us. We'll open your eyes.

{The fembot sits down.}

"LUCY": Query: rhythmic vibrations. What is causing this seismic activity?

HIPPIE: Our drums, sister! They help the harmony of our primal selves keep in check.

"LUCY": Acknowledged.

JERRY: Come, brothers and sisters--let us celebrate our lives!

"LUCY": Statement: situation analysis. This is quite... enjoyable. {bzzt} Error: cannot compute. Alien emotions are being processed. Course of action?

NUMBER TWO: {on a two-way microphone} Wh- what are you doing there? Destroy them, don't join them in their hippy-dippy drum circle!

"LUCY": Reply: negative. I would rather continue joining these kind people in their ceremonies.

NUMBER TWO: Come on! Are you kidding me?

"LUCY": End transmission.

NUMBER TWO: W- wait! Don't-

{A small clicking sound is heard.}

"LUCY": Statement: continue action. Let us keep "drum-ming", kind people.

{Cut: Outer Heaven. Lucy and Chernobog are walking along a road lined with luxurious mansions.}

CHERNOBOG: Wow. People in Heaven must have a loooot of money.

LUCY: I know... it sickens me.

{An angel flies by.}

ANGEL: Hello, stranger! You must be new here!

LUCY: {sighs} I'm just here to fill out paperwork, I'll be leaving-

ANGEL: You should check out the casino! It's very luxurious!

{Pan over to show a casino. A sign above it reads "Silver Lining Casino".}

ANGEL: Plus, all the funds go to the souls of the Native Americans. You win and you feel good about yourself!

{The angel flies off.}

LUCY: ... Damn.

CHERNOBOG: What do you mean, "damn"? Is something wrong?

LUCY: Nothing. Let's go.

CHERNOBOG: Can't we stop at the casino? It looks like fun!

LUCY: I said... we're going.

CHERNOBOG: {under his breath} Can't I have some fun?

LUCY: No!

{Lucy flings a fireball at Chernobog, setting him on fire.}

CHERNOBOG: AAAH! THIS ISN'T FUN AT ALL!

{While Chernobog runs around like a mad man, Lucy walks over to inspect the casino.}

LUCY: Huh... it does look nice. No! Lucy, hold yourself back... you can't keep doing this..

{Lucy starts to sweat.}

LUCY: ... Ah, screw it!

{Lucy enters the casino.}

SPIRIT: Hello, red-skin. Welcome to the Silver Lining Casino, where-

LUCY: {frantic} I know what the damn place is called! Just- just give me some tokens!

SPIRIT: Alright, ma'am. Here you go-

{The spirit holds out a sack of tokens, which Lucy snatches up. She then runs over to a slot machine and starts playing.}

LUCY: Hahahahahaaa! I'm alive again!

{Cut: a large concert area--DistOrted '08, to be exact. It is packed with many music fans, screaming and cheering. Backstage, Casey and Fran are preparing to play.}

FRAN: Hey, Casey!

CASEY: {coldly} ... Hey.

FRAN: Wh- what's with the cold shoulder?

CASEY: Nothing. I just want to know why you were trying to poison me.

FRAN: What?

CASEY: You know I'm allergic to fish!

FRAN: Yeah, but-

CASEY: So what's with the tuna salad? Huh?

FRAN: I thought you knew!

CASEY: Well, I thought it was potato salad! And guess what? I spent an hour throwing up!

FRAN: Hey, I didn't even think you were going to eat it! I thought you were just gonna bring your own thing!

CASEY: Who do you think does the cooking in my house, hm?

FRAN: ... Skully?

CASEY: Well it sure isn't me! Okay?

FRAN: Fine!

CASEY: Fine!

{The two stare angrily at eachother for a bit. The record dealer walks in.}

MAN: Casey! Fran! How are you doing?

CASEY: {irritated} Could be better, if this woman knew how to cook.

FRAN: Oh, it's not my fault you don't tell me these things, nooo!

MAN: You two! Break it up! The concert's starting soon, and you're the opening act!

CASEY: Fine, we'll try.

{Cut: the crowds. Jerry and his hippie friends, including "Lucy", are in a small group. Jerry's eyes, as well as the eyes of his friends, are significantly dilated. They are smoking marijuana, adding to the large cloud of it hovering above the entirety of the crowd.}

JERRY: Man, this is gonna be sweet.

HIPPIE: I know, right? How's it goin', Lucy?

"LUCY": Statement: All is well.

JERRY: Awesome, girl!

{Cut: the outer part of the crowd. SkullB is there.}

SKULLB: {grumpy} What's so great about this music, anyhow? I don't see how it's so awesome...

{Cut: backstage.}

MAN: Alright, girls! You're on!

CASEY: Mmph.

FRAN: Mmph.

{The two walk onto the stage, glaring at eachother. They start to play, regardless. The crowd starts cheering.}

CASEY: Hah! See that? They're cheering for me!

FRAN: No way! They're cheering for me!

CASEY: Stop denying it--I'm the more popular one!

FRAN: Oh, that's it!

{Fran tosses her guitar at Casey, who guards it with her own guitar. The two then start to fight.}

HIPPIE: Woah, a cat fight!

{Cut: Jerry's group.}

JERRY: Man, what happened to the music?

HIPPIE: Dunno, man! Hey, Lucy, you feelin' okay?

"LUCY": N-n-negative. Smoke is in-in-in-interfering with my progra-a-a-a-amming. Malfunc-unc-unc-unction imminent.

NUMBER TWO: {on radio} Hey! Robot! What's going on?

"LUCY": Error: ra-a-a-dio signal breaking up-p-p-p.

NUMBER TWO: {on radio} Oh, no you d- {static} -f I hear this thing go off, so help me G- {static} -r legs! You hear that? I'll brea- {static} -GH WITH THE STATIC ALREADY- {static}

{The radio shuts off.}

JERRY: Woah... You okay, Lucy?

"LUCY": Negat-t-t-t-t-tive. Initiat-t-t-ting nuclear miss-ss-ssile launch in five...

{Cut: the back of the crowd.}

SKULLB: Wait a minute... Is that Casey up there?

"LUCY": {distant} ... three...

{Cut: the casino. Lucy is winning big.}

LUCY: AHAHAHA! I'm rich! RIIIICH!

"LUCY": {distant} ... t-t-t-two...

{Cut: the stage. Casey and Fran stop their cat fighting and look at the crowd.}

CASEY: Fran... what are we doing?

FRAN: Fighting, why?

"LUCY": ... one...

{Lucy suddenly fires a large missile into the air. Large shot of the whole crowd as the missile goes higher. Suddenly, it explodes. Everybody in the crowd just watches in awe as the missile explodes. Jerry's eyes suddenly turn to normal, and he shakes his head.}

JERRY: What the hell- where am I?

HIPPIE: ... Beats me.

{Cut: the back of the crowd.}

SKULLB: ... Yikes. That looks pretty nasty.

{Cut: the stage.}

CASEY: Fran... let's stop fighting.

FRAN: Yeah. Let's.

{The smoke from the missile's explosion finally drifts away, leaving a confused and questioning crowd.}

{Cut: the River Styx Ferry Station. Lucy, pockets stuffed with cash, attempts to get onto the boat. Chernobog is following behind her, looking singed.}

CHARON: Woah, woah, woah. Hold on, toots.

LUCY: Toots? How dare you speak to the ruler of Hell like that?

CHARON: Look, not to be mean or nothing, but... that cash won't work around here.

LUCY: Wh... what do you mean?

CHARON: I mean that Heaven dollars are unaccepted around these parts.

LUCY: Then... then convert them to Hell dollars!

CHARON: You do know that Heaven dollars convert to a fraction of a percent of a penny in Hell, right?

LUCY: So... this money...

CHARON: That would buy you, like, a gumball or something. Sorry.

LUCY: No... NO!

CHARON: Cheer up! You can get a gumball!

LUCY: ... Shut up.

{Cut: the Living Room. Casey, Fran, SkullB and Jerry are there. Everybody looks normal--excluding Jerry, who has some stubble from his beard.}

JERRY: I swear to God, I'm never doing drugs again.

CASEY: I'm never singing again.

FRAN: I'm never cooking again.

SKULLB: And I'm never gonna write a song about Sibbie.

ALL: Mm-hmm.

JERRY: So, Skully. Are we still friends?

SKULLB: As much friends as a 27-year-old man and a robot car can be!

CASEY: Franny, I hope there aren't any hard feelings.

FRAN: None at all!

SKULLB: HAPPY END!

{Cut: the Lab. Number Two is observing the four on his monitor.}

NUMBER TWO: Not for me it's not! Man, I lost a good robot there!

ASSISTANT: It's too bad all the smoke made her circuits fry.

NUMBER TWO: See? Drugs are bad for you, kids.

{The "The More You Know" logo appears above Number Two's head.}

NUMBER TWO: So... I don't feel like planning evil things anymore. How about we just... relax until episode fifty?

ASSISTANT: Sounds good.

NUMBER TWO: Mm-hmm.

{Cut: Lucy's Office. Lucy is at her desk, looking depressed. Chernobog comes in.}

CHERNOBOG: Hey, boss! More paperwork!

LUCY: Yeah, just drop it on my desk.

CHERNOBOG: You've got it!

{Chernobog leaves the papers on Lucy's desk. Lucy sighs.}

LUCY: As if my day could get any worse. ... At least the radio can always cheer me up.

{Lucy turns on the radio. And guess what song is playing over the credits?}

Picture yourself in a boat on a river
With tangerine trees and marmalade skies
Somebody calls you, you answer quite slowly
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes

Cellophane flowers of yellow and green
Towering over your head
Look for the girl with the sun in her eyes
And she's gone

Lucy in the sky with diamonds
Lucy in the sky with diamonds
Lucy in the sky with diamonds
Ahhh...

Follow her down to a bridge by a fountain
Where rocking-horse people eat marshmallow pies
Everyone smiles as you drift past the flowers
That grow so incredibly high

Newspaper taxis appear on the shore
Waiting to take you away
Climb in the back with your head in the clouds
And she's gone

Lucy in the sky with diamonds
Lucy in the sky with diamonds
Lucy in the sky with diamonds
Ahhh...

Picture yourself on a train in a station
With plasticine porters with looking glass ties
Suddenly someone is there at the turnstile
The girl with kaleidoscope eyes

Lucy in the sky with diamonds
Lucy in the sky with diamonds
Lucy in the sky with diamonds
Ahhh...

{fades out}