Untitled Document/1

Summary

Vanhock takes the law into his own hand when it comes to breakfast cereals.

Transcript

{Open: Vanhock walks into his nook, groggy. He takes a box of "Generic-Os" out of the cupboard and goes over to the coffeemaker, pouring on the counter. He proceeds to take a cup out and put it under the steady stream of coffee. While this may seem like a semi-reasonable move, he proceeds to let his cup runneth over. Soon, the dribble reaches his foot, as he awakens in surprise.}

VANHOCK: Yowza!

{Vanhock quickly stops pouring, then sips his coffee, then drops it in surprise, breaking it over his already scalded foot. He begins hopping around like mad, clutching his foot.}

VANHOCK: Ow, ow, ow, ow...

{Vanhock goes over to the table, carrying the box of cereal and the coffee pot, still somehow full, and sets it on the table where he finds his cereal bowl from last night. Shrugging, he goes to get the milk. Then, he pours the cereal in the bowl, the coffee into the cereal, and the milk into the coffee pot. Vanhock pulls a spoon out of nowhere, and shovels the cereal in his milk. He spits it out in disgust}

VANHOCK: God, nobody knows how to factory-produce good cereal these days.

{Vanhock picks up the box. Cut outside. Vanhock is leaning on his fence.}

VANHOCK: Chwoka!

{Chwoka shuffles up.}

CHWOKA: What.

VANHOCK: Can you believe the GALL of cereal manufacturers these days!? {holds up the cereal box} I mean, look at this crap!

CHWOKA: Vanhock, it's 6:23 AM. I don't have the time for your coffee-in-the-cereal rants again-

VANHOCK: No, no, I put milk in it this time!

{short pause}

CHWOKA: ...milk in what?

VANHOCK: Nevermind that! The point is, the cereal manufacturing empire needs a revolution!

CHWOKA: A revolution!? I don't really think it's all that-

VANHOCK: Yes, but a revolution is what it shall be! {throws down the box of cereal.}

{Cut to a cooking show set. The words "Emarile" fade in and subsequently out. Vanhock walks in, wearing an apron and Chef's hat.}

VANHOCK: Welcome, everyone, to Cooking with Vanhock!

{yay!}

VANHOCK: Today, we're gonna be inventing cereal. So, first you need a mixing bowl and a spoon.

{A mixing bowl and a spoon fall from the sky onto the table.}

VANHOCK: A lot of people tell you that, to make cereal, you need oats. But oats taste HORRIBLE, so we'll be using sugar as a base instead.

{Sugar from above fills the bowl.}

VANHOCK: Fun fact! The people who say that also say that to make omelets, you gotta break eggs. However - {holds up a skillet with omelettes in the shape of eggs} - I have proved this untrue on my last program.

{Vanhock drops the skillet.}

VANHOCK: Next up, you wanna add yolk, milk, chocolate syrup, and fruit juice into your bowl.

{Yolk, milk, chocolate syrup, and fruit juice fall from the sky into the bowl.}

VANHOCK: Then, stir fast. Stir VERY VERY FAST!

{Vanhock stirs as fast as a KitchenAid mixer.}

VANHOCK: Remember, it's just not the same without a bit of elbow grease!

{Vanhock stops stirring, rolls up his sleeve, holds his elbow over the bowl, and squeezes it until a bit of grease comes out. He returns to normal stance.}

VANHOCK: Now, take two tablespoons and a steak knife out. {holds out his hands}

{Two tablespoons fall into his left hand, and he clutches it. then, the steak knife impales his right hand. He doesn't even flinch, just takes it out and sets it on the table. A cookie sheet lands in front of Vanhock.}

VANHOCK: Set the knife on the table for now. Then, use the tablespoons to make PERFECT CIRCLES! I will not accept anything less than perfection. They must me 3 mm in diameter. I know you can do it, housewifes of America! However, I can't. Assistants!

{Two nondescript people rush out and make precises circles, 3 mm in diameter.}

VANHOCK: Next, put some food coloring in. {pulls an eyedropper full of red food coloring and squirts on each glop of sugar.} Fianlly, put the cookie sheet into the oven.

{Vanhock THROWS the cookie sheet into the oven, which closes and starts itself}

VANHOCK: Now, while you wait, take the steak knife and {rolls up his sleeve} make a large cut down the inside of your forearm, 5 cm per second. When you get to your elbow, the cereal should be done! Repeat all instructions as necessary.

{Vanhock begins cutting. Whimsical timeswipe! Vanhock's blood has stained his sleeve. He's holding the cereal.}

VANHOCK: Now, scrape you cereal...off the cookie sheet...into the bowl.

{Vanhock tilts the cookie sheet into the mixing bowl, and begins scraping away.}

VANHOCK: If you want to... make more batches...you could make...a cardboard box...with a few games one the back. Now... let's see... what the man on the street thinks.

{Cut to Vanhock in the middle of the street, interviewing Terry, Jerry's brother.}

VANHOCK: Terry, would you like to try my new cereal?

{Vanhock takes out a bowl with a spoon in it}

TERRY: Yeah! I'm no chicken!

{Terry snatches the bowl and shovels it into his face like mad. Then, he stops.}

VANHOCK: Well?

{Terry drops the bowl}

VANHOCK: Well!?

{Terry falls over backwards. Cut back to the cooking show}

VANHOCK: He...uh, later said it was...heart-stoppingly...good! So, that's all for today, folks.

EMARILE: {off-screen} Hey, get off my set!

{Credits roll by too fast to read. Pan out, Chwoka is watching.}

CHWOKA: I can't believe it.

{THE END}