Untitled Document/2

Summary

Darlon likes to spend his weekend sleeping.

Transcript

{Open: An alarm clock hits 7:40 AM and rings. Darlon presses a button on its top. Zoom out. Darlon is in bed.}

DARLON: erle bbeggle it's sunday

{Fade out: Black. Fade in: Red, velvety curtains. The curtains open, and a large-stage encompassing cardboard cutout of [Darlon's] head with a hole were the brain is, is pushed in front of the stage. The lights flicker on. Darlon walks onscreen}

DARLON: Hello. Are you a friend of Harvey's?

{lights dim. Darlon walks back offstage. A cat walks into scene. Lights turn on further}

CAT: GIVE ME YOUR REFRIDGERATR'S SOUL.

{The cat lifts up into the air. An accordian walks in, backwards.}

ACCORDIAN: MONEY MEANS NOTHING

{A big-lipped man (Harvey) walks into frame}

HARVEY: thank

ACCORDIAN: let's ask the man on the street.

HARVEY: Yes.

ACCORDIAN: we asked the man on the street.

{Harvey's lips inflate and explode. Cut to Darlon, waking up.}

DARLON: My dreams! They're trying to tell me something!

{timeswipe, Darlon is sitting in a chair, rocking back and forth, chewing on a pen.}

DARLON: That's it! {falls over backwards, clambors back up.} My soulmate has prominent lips!

{Cut to Jerry's house. Darlon is banging on Jerry's door.}

DARLON: Jerry!

{Jerry opens the door.}

JERRY: {sighs} What do you want, Darlon?

DARLON: A girl!

JERRY: A girl!? That's it?

DARLON: ...you're acting as if it's plainly outrageous for me to come over to your house at 10:30 AM.

{Jerry and Darlon walk inside}

JERRY: Because it is. What's the problem, Darlon?

DARLON: Well, you've been going steady with Cassie for a while now, so I thought you could help me find a girl.

JERRY: Well, Darlon, the trick is to lie about every single property of your being. Do you bathe regularly?

DARLON: Yeah, about 7 times per month.

JERRY: Wear body spray. They'll never notice!

{Jerry hands Darlon a can of MACE Body Spray.}

DARLON: 7 times a month is actually quite a bi-

JERRY: Now, what bands do you listen to?

DARLON: I don't, I find modern bands in bad taste.

JERRY: Well you'd better start listening to them if you ever want a girl to like you!

DARLON: Listen to who!?

JERRY: No, not them, they're way too old. You should listen to all the bands you hate.

{Jerry hands Darlon a CD marked "Now That's What I Call Music Volume 56".}

JERRY: Listen to this about fifty times. You should be set.

DARLON: I heard on TV that if you do that you'll brainwash yoursel-

JERRY: I don't think that's a problem, Darlon.

DARLON: ...what are you implying?

JERRY: N- nothing. Nothing at all. Now go get 'em, slugger!

{Jerry shoves Darlon out the door, closes the door and locks it.}

JERRY: That'll teach HIM to wake me up-

'DARLON: {off-screen} Where should I go?

JERRY: Anywhere that isn't here!

{cut to the laundromat. Darlon is sitting on a drier. The only other person here is an old, smelly, fat hag in the background.}

DARLON: ...so, are you seeing any-

HAG: I'm married.

DARLON: Oh. Well that's...nice.

{cut to Independence hall. Nobody is there but Darlon}

DARLON: Hello? Ladies?

{short pause}

DARLON: {singing} Honey came in and she caught me red-handed, creepin-

{cut to Darlon in New York². It is crowded.}

DARLON: {barely audible} Finally, people! Hey, does anybody want to date me?

{cut to the golden gate bridge. A girl is standing on the edge, breathing heavily.}

DARLON: {off-screen} Wait!

GIRL: Wait!? WAIT!?

{Girl turns around, camera swiveling with here.}

GIRL: This is my moment, and you want me to WAIT!?

DARLON: Don't do it!

GIRL: Well why not, huh!?

{short pause}

GIRL: HUH!?

DARLON: BECAUSE I LOVE YOU! You have so much to live for!

GIRL: ... I know.

DARLON: Well, why end it now?

GIRL: Exactly? Why end it now?

DARLON: DON'T JUMP!

{The girl jumps.}

DARLON: NOOOO! I kill everybody I love!

{Darlon looks down to see the girl rise from the water.}

DARLON:' ... Wait. Can you explain this to me?

GIRL: I'm a part-time stuntwoman! I'm also an Olympic diver!

DARLON: Really?

GIRL: Right now, I'm doing "Swim for a Cure"! See you at the other side of the lake!

{The girl swims away.}

DARLON: ...I STILL LOVE YO-

GIRL: Everyone does!