Skullbuggy's Completely and Totally Honest Video Game Reviews/3

Overview

Episode 3: Beauty and the Beast

AARGH

Transcript

Welcome, gentle viewers, to

SKULLBUGGY'S COMPLETELY AND TOTALLY HONEST VIDEO GAME

REVIEWS

I am your humble host, Skullbuggy. Tonight, we have a story for you. A story about beauties, beasts, and a very angry video game nerd.

Not the sweary one. The skully one.

Anyhow, I started with the first game given to me--Belle's Quest. This already seems promising, I thought as the chiptuned-version of the Beauty and the Beast theme blared through my headphones. Observing the demo, I saw Belle talk to some sheep. Promising indeed. So I started.

This is where I learned that this is a rarity for a good reason.

Belle loves France, apparently. So said the intro. But she longs for more than the provincial life of the village--what is a Disney character to do? Only her love for her father and the magical world of books keeps her content.

READ BOOKS KIDDIES

Belle makes frequent trips to the village, and always stops at her favorite place: the book shop!

READ BOOKS KIDDIES

And with that, the game started. Already, the music pissed me off. It sounded like a damn mosquito got trapped in my headphones for the first few minutes, and from then on it sounded like normal Genesis music. Upon starting, I noticed that Belle could jump, duck, and nothing else. Her jump was a pretty funny-looking little hop, and her duck wasn't as much of a duck as it was bending over just a bit. Funny thing was, the first time I jumped, I immediately got hit by a bird. And here I was thinking Belle was friends with animals!

Nevertheless, I continued to the village. More birds hit me, causing Belle to emit an "oh!". Apparently, the birds had a vendetta against Belle, which I supported whole-heartedly. When I did get to the village, I was accosted by a stocky man named Lefou, who talked of a man named Gaston.

NO ONE FIGHTS LIKE GASTON AM I RIGHT?

And so, I was approached by Gaston himself, who was thinking that I thought to much. Astounded by his logic, I pressed on, and Gaston exclaimed he thought we two should be married! Why not? In typical female role model fashion, Belle made a tort reply, driving Gaston into a fit of rage. As I continued, it turns out...

Lefou comes back and I have to do the conversation over again!

He kept doing that the ENTIRE level. I kid you not. Finally, I evaded Lefou's vicious attack, and went to the forest. And here's where it gets interesting.

YOU CAN'T GET PAST THIS PART OF THE LEVEL. YOU CAN'T FINISH THIS GAME.

Frustrated, I shut off Gens as fast as I could. This game... this game.

And that is how I swore never to take suggestions from Sephiroth ever again.

I'm kidding.

Maybe.