Doohikiw/eps1

Characters

• Lanigiro - Main RPG character. Oblivious to cliches and pop culture references.
• Chwoka - The Episode Critic. Aware of references and spots them on-sight.
• Narrator - Typical RPG storyteller. Parodies self on constant basis.
• Computer - An NPC addicted to cake, despite being a robot.
• Ekul - Friend of Chwoka. Only says, "Hmm..."
• Director - Occupation de Obvious.

Transcript

{A man named Lanigiro walks across the street}

LANIGIRO: {thinking} Hmm... each day is different. How shall I go through today?

{A computery line appears. Gamecube intro jingle can be heard.}

COMPUTER: Insert cake here.

LANIGIRO: I beg your pardon?

COMPUTER: Insert cake here.

LANIGIRO: Computers run on batteries, not cake.

COMPUTER: Insert cake here.

LANIGIRO: You're not anywhere close to a pastry shop.

COMPUTER: Gimme my cake.

LANIGIRO: You know, there's a grocery store with cookbooks on how to make cake.

COMPUTER: Gimme my cake.

LANIGIRO: This will not end well.

COMPUTER: Refusal to cooperate will result in decimation.

{Lanigiro runs away from the computer}

NARRATOR: Commencing chase scene.

{Disc scratches}

LANIGIRO: No. We're not pulling that. Instead, I will locate the nearest pastry thing and give this computer the cake it needs.

{Lanigiro goes to a pastry, this time without the computer following him. 5 seconds later, Lanigiro comes back with a chocolate cake.}

COMPUTER: Oh boy, chocolate cake! That's my favorite cake!

LANIGIRO: Now that we got that over with, I'm not sure what else this day will bring.

{Lanigiro continues to walk down the street. He sees a water elemental robbing a jewelry store, and he kicks the door to said store down. As soon as he charges to the water elemental, who was about to eat the jewels, the screen is frozen and Chwoka arrives.}

CHWOKA: What is this, Sonic Adventure? Get something else in there!

NARRATOR: What am I paying you for again?

CHWOKA: I'm criticizing the work I participated in for no reason!

NARRATOR: If you don't leave you'll be reported to Vindicator. And you know what he'll do to you...

{Chwoka walks offscreen and the screen goes back to normal. The water elemental is beaten senseless by Lanigiro. Screen is frozen again. Chwoka returns.}

NARRATOR: What now?

CHWOKA: How can a human fight an elemental that quickly?

NARRATOR: It's called "your mother".

CHWOKA: That joke sucks and you know it. Now answer my question!

NARRATOR: Lanigiro is a normal human, and that elemental is an elemental. Now will you shut up and just watch?

CHWOKA: This is not Dragonball Z.

NARRATOR: I know. Now get out.

{Chwoka sighs and walks offscreen. Screen unfreezes.}

LANIGIRO: Okay, I'm beating this guy's face in because it's the right thing to do.

{The elemental is arrested by police officers and the jewels stolen are returned to their owners.}

NARRATOR: How do you feel after beating that elemental senseless knowing it will be on death row even though it is of little harm whatsoever?

LANIGIRO: You talking to me?

NARRATOR: Yes.

LANIGIRO: I'm not sure. As a stone-cold RPG character I don't feel remorse for ANYTHING. Not even playing WarioWare Inc. at a rave party.

{Lanigiro's location changes to a rave party and he is the DJ. He plays WarioWare Inc. at the party. The music from it makes every sniper on the roof of the rave party fall off as they were dancing to it. The cops arrest the snipers. Cut back to Lanigiro.}

LANIGIRO: This is just one weird day.

CHWOKA: You tell me.

LANIGIRO: Uh... who are you?

CHWOKA: I'm that guy who helps you out in the RPGs even though the player controlling you has more familiarity with RPGS that it's their only genre of gaming.

EKUL: Hmm...

CHWOKA: Yes, what is it?

EKUL: Hmm...

CHWOKA: What? This rave party blows?

EKUL: Hmm...

CHWOKA: Come on, man!

EKUL: Hmm...

{Lanigiro punches Chwoka in the face}

CHWOKA: Ow, why'd you hit me?

{Cut to a director}

DIRECTOR: Cut, cut, cut! Lanigiro, you're fired.

LANIGIRO: I'm just acting like the sociopath most RPG protagonists are.

DIRECTOR: You're going off the script constantly.

LANIGIRO: So?

DIRECTOR: So we're discontinuing this plot.

{The episode abruptly ends.}