Celebrity Deathmatch/4

Overview

Episode 4: Solid Snake vs. Kirby

It's another episode! Snake beats up Kirby or something.

Transcript

{Open: the announcer's booth.}

ZIPPY: Hey, all! Zippy P.-

KOOKY: -and Kooky B.

ZIPPY: I bet you're all wondering... where'd Skully go?

KOOKY: He's working on his new movie. He should be back soon.

ZIPPY: In the meanwhile, enjoy the dulcet tones of my pal Kooky!

KOOKY: Nice to be here. Let's quit talking about us and start talking about the match. Ned?

{Cut: the ring}

NED: Thanks, green bird. Tonight's match is a battle of stealth vs. stomachs. In the red corner, we have a man without a name. He goes by a codename and none other. Please give a rousing "..." for... Solid Snake!

{Pan over to the red corner. All that is there is a box.}

NED: Snake, get out of the box.

SNAKE: {grumbles} Alright.

{Snake gets out of the box. Fanfare plays.}

SNAKE: Showtime.

NED: We all saw the Brawl trailer, Snake. No need to remind us.

SNAKE: {grumbles}

NED: Any-hoo... in the blue corner, we have a fan favorite! Weighing in at a light 20 pounds, not counting the buffet he ate for breakfast, please give it up for... Kirby!

KIRBY: Poyo!

SNAKE: ... Are you kidding me?! I have to fight this little thing?

KIRBY: Poyo poyo! Poyo, poyo poyo!

SNAKE: Can't you say anything else?

KIRBY: Poy-!

SNAKE: Dammit.

NED: Alright, then! Let's fight!

{The bell rings. Snake lunges at Kirby and puts him in a chokehold.}

SNAKE: Alright, you little punk. What're you hiding?

KIRBY: {angrily} Poyo!

{Kirby compresses his body and slips from Snake's grasp. Kirby, now free, takes out a hammer.}

KIRBY: Poyo poyo poyo!

SNAKE: A hammer?! I'll take care of this.

{Snake pulls out a Socom pistol.}

SNAKE: Eat lead, chump.

{Snake shoots Kirby. The bullets bounce off of him and hit Snake in the leg.}

SNAKE: GYAAAH! How the hell...?

ZIPPY: Looks like Kirby's protective "E for Everyone" rating keeps him from being shot!

KOOKY: That's the dumbest explanation for anything I've heard ever.

ZIPPY: What?

SNAKE: That's it! You're getting your ass kicked.

{Snake runs up to Kirby and starts beating on him. Kirby seems not to be harmed by it.}

KIRBY: {giggles} Poyo, poyo! {giggles}

SNAKE: Oh, dammit!

{Snake gets back under the box.}

NED: Snake, get out!

SNAKE: Screw off!

{Cut: the Codec call screen.}

COL. CAMPBELL: Snake, what is it?

SNAKE: I'm trying to beat up this pink, round thing. But nothing's working!

COL. CAMPBELL: Have you tried... shooting it?

SNAKE: The bullets bounced off!

COL. CAMPBELL: What about CQC?

SNAKE: That didn't work either!

COL. CAMPBELL: Yikes. This doesn't sound good. Try using a chaff grenade to jam the radar.

SNAKE: Colonel, it's not a machine!

COL. CAMPBELL: Really? Well it looks like you're screwed, Snake.

SNAKE: Colonel, don't hang-

{Colonel Campbell hangs up.}

SNAKE: Damnit.

MEI LING: Do you want to save, Snake?

SNAKE: NO I DON'T WANT TO SAVE.

{Cut: the ring. Snake gets out of the box.}

SNAKE: Alright, pink boy. Time to go down.

{Snake shoots a missile at Kirby. Kirby swallows it and turns into a missile. Kirby shoots himself at Snake and explodes, knocking Snake quite a ways away. Kirby seems unharmed.}

KIRBY: Poy poy poyo! Poyo!

SNAKE: Argh... this is going to be harder than I thought.

{Pause.}

SNAKE: I know! I'll wait him out!

{Snake crawls back under the box.}

SNAKE: Let's play the wai-

{Kirby sucks up the box. He swallows it and giggles.}

SNAKE: That was my only box, you little punk!

KIRBY: Poyo?

SNAKE: Come here you little piece of-

{Snake runs at Kirby, and Kirby sucks up Snake. He spits Snake out.}

KIRBY: {disgusted} Poy...

SNAKE: Eww... moist...

{The bell rings.}

NED: The contestants are unable to finish the battle. We need a tiebreaker!

ZIPPY: How about we get Angry Dragon in here?

{Angry Dragon stomps into the ring.}

ANGRY DRAGON: GRAARL.

KOOKY: That's great, dragonman. Now, listen. Which one of these people do you want to kill?

ANGRY DRAGON: Hrrrmmm...

SNAKE: Don't eat me, I'm all bony and skinny and handsome. Eat that pink thing, he's all soft and sweet!

KIRBY: Poy... yo?

{Angry Dragon grabs Kirby and eats him.}

ANGRY DRAGON: Yum! Taste like sugar!

ZIPPY: Looks like we have a winner! Solid Snake!

SNAKE: Yeah! What?

KOOKY: How did... you get that dragon, by the way?

ZIPPY: It's best not to ask. G'night, everyone!