The SkullB Show/35

Overview

Episode 35: Internet Hate Machine

After being abducted, Casey and Jerry must traverse the internet to get him back.

CAST: Skullbuggy, Jerry, Casey, Clerk, Cuil, The Griefer

PLACES: The Living Room, The Lobby, Streets of Silicon City, Lair of the Griefer, the Plains of Safari, a forest, a desert, Mt. Mozilla

PAGE TITLE: The SkullB Show!

Transcript

{Open: the Living Room. SkullB is reading the paper. Jerry walks in.}

JERRY: Hey, Skully. What're you reading?

SKULLB: It says here that five people were horribly burned when their house exploded. It also says that they're fine now.

JERRY: When will people learn not to mess with explosives? They can kill!

{Pan over to show SkullB lighting about twenty cigarettes in his mouth at once.}

SKULLB: {muffled} You said it!

{Cue theme song.}

{Cut: the Living Room. Jerry and Casey are on the couch.}

CASEY: So. It's been kinda slow, hasn't it?

JERRY: Ugh, you tell me. I haven't seen any action in weeks!

CASEY: Well... how about a little action right now?

JERRY: Oh, you are reading my mind!

{The two lean toward eachother to kiss. Suddenly, SkullB pops up between the two.}

SKULLB: Hey, guys!

CASEY: AAAH!

JERRY: Skully!

SKULLB: You'll never guess what I did today!

JERRY: ... WHAT.

SKULLB: I bought a new computer!

{SkullB points offscreen. Pan over to show an impressive computer on a desk.}

SKULLB: Can you believe I only had to pay a thousand dollars for it?

CASEY: A thousand- a thousand-

JERRY: A thousand dollars?!

SKULLB: Yeah, so?

JERRY: {sighs} Does anybody we know have more than one kidney?

SKULLB: Psyche! It was free!

CASEY: ... Free?

JERRY: The bad part is that I feel more scared thinking about how you got it.

SKULLB: I won a contest! Albeit I was the only one who entered, but still!

JERRY: ... Oh. That's not suspicious at all!

CASEY: Jerry, how about we take this upstairs?

JERRY: Alright!

{The two run upstairs, giggling.}

SKULLB: ... Egh. Looks like I'm wearing earplugs tonight. Anyhow... new computer time!

{SkullB goes over to the computer. He presses a key on it.}

COMPUTER: Congratulations for purchasing this computer! Assimilate!

SKULLB: Wait, wh-

{Wires fly out of the computer and latch onto SkullB's head.}

SKULLB: Ow! Stop that! That tickles!

{Cut: the Living Room, the next day. Jerry and Casey walk down the stairs.}

JERRY: Hey, Skully, I... Skully?

CASEY: He's still at his computer.

JERRY: Skully! Get up and do something! Today's the day where we watch cop shows until we can't hear the word "crime drama" without groaning!

{Pause.}

JERRY: Skully? Skully, what's wro- Aaaah!

CASEY: What is it, Jerry?

JERRY: ... He's dead!

{Pan over to show SkullB with blank white eyes. His jaw is slacked, and wires are strapped to his head.}

SKULLB: ... Not... dead.

JERRY: Aaah! Even worse! He's a zombie!

SKULLB: Help... me... please...

JERRY: What do we do, unplug the computer?

CASEY: No! Doing that would kill him!

JERRY: ... How-

CASEY: I've watched some sci-fi before. Anyway... the way to save him... is to go into the computer!

JERRY: ... What?!

CASEY: There was an episode of Futurama like this. All we need to do is get in there and stop whatever's got SkullB like this. Got it?

JERRY: ... Really?!

CASEY: Yes. Really.

{Casey presses a button on the keyboard. Some wires shoot from the computer and grabs her head.}

CASEY: Got it! You do it now!

JERRY: {whimpers} Do I have to?

CASEY: DO IT.

{Jerry presses the button and is similarly wired.}

{Cut: a strange room. It looks like the lobby of a hotel, but green and vector-like. Jerry and Casey appear, both as strange technicolor versions of their real selves.}

JERRY: ... How did I get so... blue?

CASEY: Don't ask me.

JERRY: So this is what the internet looks like. A lot like TRON.

CASEY: How retro!

{Jerry walks up to the front desk of the "Lobby". An avatar of a clerk digitizes behind it.}

CLERK: Hello! Welcome to Silicon City, home of the American internet! Please enjoy your stay!

JERRY: Hi. Can you-

CLERK: Hello! Welcome to Silicon City, home of the American internet! Please enjoy your stay!

JERRY: ... Damn chatbots.

CASEY: {sighs} Looks like we'll have to find Skully ourselves.

{The two leave the lobby. When they exit, they see an amazing city with giant buildings everywhere.}

CASEY: Wow. Isn't this breathtaking?

JERRY: It just makes you think--half of that is porn.

{The two walk along the sidewalk. As they walk, they pass many merchants.}

MERCHANT: good deal on animes BUY NOW!!!!

OTHER MERCHANT: 1960 DESOTO GOOD CONDITION SLIGHT WATER DAMAGE

THIRD MERCHANT: roms 4 download - snes gba nes gb sega

JERRY: Don't listen to them, Casey. They promise nothing but shattered dreams.

CASEY: Yeah, I know.

{Suddenly, a man jumps in front of the two.}

MAN: DO YOU WANT TO STOP POP-UPS! CLICK HERE!

JERRY: ... Is that a bomb strapped to his chest?

CASEY: Just keep going.

{Cut: an internet prison. SkullB is there, pacing. Suddenly, a person walks into the room, shrouded by a cloud of darkness.}

SKULLB: Oh, hey- hey? Can you help me?

{Pause.}

SKULLB: Hi, Skullbuggy. Internet superstar? Yeah, that's me. Say, you don't know how I either got here or can get out, do you?

{Pause.}

SKULLB: Can you talk?

???????: Of course I can, newbie! I just didn't want to answer your questions!

SKULLB: Ah. Gotcha. Listen, I need to get out of here. Fast.

???????: No way. You're staying here until I'm done with you.

SKULLB: ... Done with me? Does that mean...

???????: It means the exact opposite of that, thank you.

SKULLB: ... Hey, can I ask you something?

???????: Go ahead.

SKULLB: Is there anything to stop me from just shooting my way out of here?

???????: ... You know what? No. I never thought of that.

{Pause.}

???????: So, what? You going to shoot your way out?

SKULLB: That's what you'd want me to do! I'm smarter than that!

???????: {under his breath} Damn! He's right. It looks like his artificial intelligence is a match for mine!

{The shadowy figure clears his throat and turns to the door.}

???????: Okay, then. I'll be out on a Dorito run. You stay in there or a firewall's going to raise. Got it?

{The shadowy figure leaves.}

SKULLB: {yelling} Yeah, go get some Doritos! Fatty fat fat!

{Pause.}

SKULLB: {yelling} And get some for me!

{Cut: the streets. Casey and Jerry are sitting on a bench, resting up.}

CASEY: It's been an hour, and we still can't find him!

JERRY: It looks like he's not in this city.

????: You wish to see your friend?

{A man in robes appears in front of the two.}

JERRY: AAH! Who are you?

CUIL: I am the great sage Cuil, training under the great wizard Google. I have heard your plea. Tell me, who is it that is missing?

JERRY: A good friend of mine. His name is Skullbuggy, I was wondering if-

CUIL: Say no more, say no more.

{Cuil closes his eyes and glows red. A few seconds later, it stops.}

CUIL: Using my seeing powers, I have found that your friend is at the top of Mt. Mozilla, just past the Plains of Safari and the Dunes of Explorer.

CASEY: ... You serious?

CUIL: My name means "knowledge". Wouldn't you trust me?

JERRY: He's right. And with as many hits as Google on the launch, you can't lose!

CUIL: Thank you. Now hold still--I shall teleport you to the Plains of Safari.

{The two hold still as Cuil glows red once again. The two disappear into thin air.}

CUIL: Gates-speed.

{Cut: the Plains of Safari. It is a large expanse, with trees sparcely scattered around. All across, strange animals walk the ground and ocassionally eat from the trees. All this still looks vectored. Jerry and Casey appear.}

JERRY: Woah. It's neat here.

CASEY: Quiet, man! We have to find Skully, quick! To an exploration montage!

{Cue this music.}

{The two start running across the plain. As they do, they pass all manner of animals. Suddenly, Casey stops. She hops on a nearby elephant and ushers Jerry on. Now on the elephant, the two are carried slowly across the plain.}

{Cut: a forest. Jerry is cutting vines away with an e-machete while Casey follows behind. Suddenly, men in tribal masks attack. Jerry fights back and they are fragged.}

{Cut: a desert. Casey and Jerry are riding a strange-looking sand worm across the sands. Casey is having fun, while Jerry is holding onto the worm tightly, trying not to fall off.}

{Cut: Mt. Mozilla. The two are climbing up the mountain. Jerry suddenly slips, and falls onto a nearby ledge. He gets up, dusts off and continues. A silhouette is shown of the two climbing the mountain. Eventually, Jerry and Casey reach the top to see a large building.}

JERRY: Wow... this must be it.

CASEY: A-duuuh, really?

{Pause.}

CASEY: Too much rhetoric?

JERRY: A little.

{The two enter the building. Music stop.}

{Cut: SkullB's cell. The shadowy figure from before walks in.}

???????: Hello, Skullivan. I trust you've been well?

SKULLB: Out with it--who are you?

???????: Oh, did I forget to mention?

{The shadows dissipate to show a fat, pimpled man. He is short, stocky, and has an upturned nose, not unlike a pig. He wears a shirt reading "LONGCAT IS LOOOOONG".}

GRIEFER: I am the man who was created solely to cause misery! If you go on a forum, I shall be there to insult you! If you go on Youtube, I shall have a snide video reply! I am the essence of assholery on the internet! I rule the net with an iron fist! I am Anonymous... I am... THE GRIEFER!

SKULLB: ... So all you do is make people angry and sad? All day?

GRIEFER: Exactly. {smirks}

SKULLB: So you're the kind what got picked on in high school gym class, and decided to take it out on other people?

GRIEFER: Ye- wait, what?

SKULLB: And instead of lead a normal life, you have to stay butthurt about this? You have to take out all your pent-up rage on the one place that doesn't matter?

GRIEFER: STFU, dood! You have no-

SKULLB: Did I say I was done?

GRIEFER: >:(

SKULLB: What gets me is that you get a kick out of being a bully. On the internet. Because you feel like showing people what you had to go through, you're nothing but a worthless sack of crap, a lump that gets off to seeing other people cry. You get your jollies from seeing people get angry. You're what we in the real world--ever heard of it?--call a mental midget. In fact, you're probably still in high school.

GRIEFER: STFU DOOD ITS NOT FUNNY I WAS PICKED ON IN HIGH SCHOOL I HAVE A CONDITION-

SKULLB: Let me stop you there, buddy. There's nothing that makes you act like an asshole. You choose to be one. Because of this, I urge you to either get off the internet or let me go. 'Cause I do not want to deal with you. At all.

GRIEFER: WHY DON'T YOU COME TO MY HOUSE AND SAY THAT TO MY FACE?

SKULLB: You know what? Just for you, I will. Where do you live?

GRIEFER: LOL LIKE IM TELLIN YOU LOL

SKULLB: No, really! I will come over to your house. Or do you not want that?

GRIEFER: ROFL

SKULLB: Well?

{Close up on SkullB's face on a zooming blue background, much like in Phoenix Wright.}

SKULLB: If you're really so confident, why don't you tell me where you live? After all, you're such a tough guy, aren't you? Well? Aren't you?

GRIEFER: I- but- I- no- no- I-

SKULLB: Now if you want me to kick your sorry butt, then leave me here. You know, if you want.

GRIEFER: ... Okay! I give! I give!

SKULLB: That's better.

{SkullB leaves.}

{Cut: a corridor. SkullB leaves just as Casey and Jerry enter.}

JERRY: SkullB! You're alright!

CASEY: How'd you get here?

SKULLB: A fat kid trapped me here.

CASEY: And... you beat him?

SKULLB: With words, yes. I doubt he's gonna be back any time s-

{Suddenly, the walls of the room are engulfed in flames. The entrances are blocked by flames as well.}

CASEY: A firewall!

SKULLB: Son of a-

GRIEFER: {offscreen} That's right!

{The Griefer appears in a small, cat-shaped flying machine.}

GRIEFER: If you thought you could get away from me with words, you'd be wrong!

SKULLB: Goddamn are you persistent.

GRIEFER: And once I've finished killing you, I'll take the girl for mine own!

CASEY: ... Pfffthahahahahahahaha!

GRIEFER: Wh- what?

CASEY: Are you- hahaha, are you- are you serious?!

{Casey doubles over in laughter.}

GRIEFER: Change of plans! Now I'll kill all of you!

SKULLB: Bring it, buddy!

{The Griefer pushes a button on the console in his machine. Suddenly, a large cannon appears from the bottom of it. On the barrel of the gun are two bulging eyes and a pair of red lips.}

GRIEFER: IMMA FIRIN' MAH LAZER!

SKULLB: ... That's not funny.

GRIEFER: STFU AND TASTE MAH LAZER

{The laser, as promised, fires. SkullB and the gang dodge it. The laser leaves a large hole in the ground. In retaliation, SkullB fires a SkullBeam at the Griefer. The Griefer's flying machine explodes, sending the Griefer into the firewall, defragging him.}

GRIEFER: STAY STRONG ANONYMOUS!

{The rooms starts to shake.}

SKULLB: Uh-oh, a load-bearing boss!

JERRY: Load is right!

CASEY: Pfft, he was fat.

SKULLB: Never mind that! Get in!

{Casey hops into SkullB and Jerry grabs onto the back. The three drive out of the lair and off the summit of the mountain. In mid-air, wings come out of SkullB's sides and the group flies in the air. The fortress explodes behind them as they land on the ground, safely.}

SKULLB: Wow. Epic. I didn't even know I cou-

{Suddenly, SkullB starts to disappear.}

SKULLB: Woo-hoo! We're leaving!

{Casey and Jerry start to disappear too.}

CASEY: Thank God.

{Cut: the Living Room. Jerry, SkullB and Casey stand in front of the computer, still looking zombified. Suddenly, the color returns to their faces, and the wires fall of their heads.}

CASEY: Yes! We're back!

JERRY: And this just goes to show you... the internet is a horrible place. It's the worst thing for you!

{Pan over to show SkullB with about fifty cigarettes in his mouth.}

SKULLB: {muffled} You said it!

{Cue credits.}