The SkullB Show/34

Overview

Episode 34: When Skullbuggy's Away...

Jerry and the gang go out for dinner. Number Two sees a

chance to mess with the house while they're gone.

CAST: Skullbuggy, Casey, Jerry, Number Two, Assistant, Fran, Francis the Waiter, Officer Stein

PLACES: The Living Room, the Lab, the Street, Chez Snootez, outside Chez Snootez

PAGE TITLE: The SkullB Show!

Transcript

{Open: the Living Room. SkullB is on the couch, sleeping. Jerry and Casey walk in. They are well-dressed.}

JERRY: Skully, wake up.

SKULLB: {yawns} What? Oh, sorry, I was having a marvelous dream. It was-

CASEY: Yeah, cool, we don't care. Listen, we were thinking of going out to dinner tonight.

JERRY: And by "we were thinking" I mean "she's forcing me to go".

{Casey slaps Jerry.}

JERRY: I mean yeah, we were just about to leave! Want to come?

SKULLB: Hold on, let me see what's on tonight.

ANNOUNCER: {on TV} Coming up next on TBS, it's The Office!

SKULLB: Yeah, I'm going.

{The three leave the house.}

{Cut: the Lab. Number Two is staring at a computer screen, blankly. Suddenly, a look of surprise crosses his face.}

NUMBER TWO: Assistant? Assistant! Come here, quick!

{Assistant walks into the room. He is wearing a pink, frilled apron over his normal jumpsuit.}

NUMBER TWO: Assistant, I... what are you wearing?

ASSISTANT: I'll have you know I was baking a souffle. All that shouting made it go flat.

NUMBER TWO: ... Alright, then. But anyhow, look! That wretched Skullbuggy left his house! And so did everyone else!

ASSISTANT: And the blonde girl?

NUMBER TWO: She left too! Do you know what this means?

ASSISTANT: I'm going to have to make another souffle?

NUMBER TWO: ... No. It means we can go over there and mess with their house! This is gonna rock!

ASSISTANT: Really? Oh, that's great! I've always wanted to trash that place!

NUMBER TWO: Yeah, cool. You know, I really can't take you seriously with that wretched apron on. Can you... can you take it off?

ASSISTANT: Why? I like it!

NUMBER TWO: Well looking at it, to me, is the equivalent of you taking some hot chili peppers, crushing them in my eyes and washing them out with grapefruit juice. I'm not saying this to be mean, really.

ASSISTANT: {sighs} Alright, whatever.

{The two step out of the lab. Outside the lab, it looks like a normal house.}

ASSISTANT: Wow. Have we ever seen the outside of this place?

NUMBER TWO: That's the weird thing. I don't remember buying an actual house. Anyway... to the SkullB House!

{The two run to the house next to them--which is, coincidentally, the SkullB House.}

NUMBER TWO: Here we are! The SkullB House!

ASSISTANT: ... We lived next to them the whole time?!

NUMBER TWO: Yeah, it's the damndest thing.

ASSISTANT: Why didn't we know that?!

NUMBER TWO: Hey, this is like the second time we've ever left the house. So shut up.

{The two enter the SkullB House.}

{Cut: the Living Room. Assistant is looking around, while Number Two sits on the couch.}

NUMBER TWO: Wow. Nice place they've got here! Is this leather on the couch?

ASSISTANT: It's funny--it smells like they've got a cat but I bet there's no cat.

NUMBER TWO: So, anyway... let's mess up the house!

ASSISTANT: ... Really? I mean, would that be fair?

NUMBER TWO: Wh- wait- what? What do you mean "would that be fair"? We're evil villains! Playing by the rules is not what we do!

ASSISTANT: Well, it seems like they did a really good job at keeping the place well-kept. Should we really ruin it for them?

NUMBER TWO: Of course! I mean- I- gah- I don't know why I hired you.

ASSISTANT: You needed cheap labor?

NUMBER TWO: Oh, really? Thanks for reminding me. But I don't pay you to remind me!

ASSISTANT: You don't... pay me.

NUMBER TWO: Huh. Could have sworn I did. Thanks for that!

{Cut: Chez Snootez. Casey, Fran, Jerry and SkullB are at a table.}

FRAN: Thanks for inviting me to dinner, Casey! I'm surprised you got a reservation!

CASEY: Well, when you're big stars you're pretty much guaranteed a table.

FRAN: When you're what?

CASEY: Uh... never mind. {clears throat} Excuse me? Waiter?

{A waiter walks over.}

FRANCIS: 'Allo, 'allo. Welcome to Chez Snootez. I am Francis, and I will be your waiter. May I start you off with some wine?

SKULLB: Yeah, Frank, can I get a bottle of {enunciating all letters} Pinot Noir? Jeez, what is this, French?

FRANCIS: Hmmph.

CASEY: Ah-ha-ha, ah-ha-ha, ah-ha, {under her breath} Skully shut up.

FRANCIS: I'll be back with the wine shortly. Please enjoy yourselves in the meantime.

{Francis leaves.}

FRANCIS: {offscreen, quietly} American pig.

SKULLB: Heh, what was his problem?

{Cut: the Living Room. Number Two is still on the couch, drinking a soda. Assistant walks out of the kitchen, wearing the apron from before and holding a souffle.}

ASSISTANT: Hey, Number Two?

NUMBER TWO: AAAH!

{The souffle deflates.}

ASSISTANT: Aw, damnit!

NUMBER TWO: Sorry, you startled me. Anyway, what?

ASSISTANT: I wanted to tell you that I finished making a souffle, but I guess that's over.

NUMBER TWO: Yeah... you're still wearing that damn apron. Take it off. Please.

ASSISTANT: Alright, seriously... why are we not breaking windows and things?

NUMBER TWO: Just let me finish watching The Office. Oh, Steve Carrell, you're so funny!

ASSISTANT: And here I was thinking we were a competent villain team.

NUMBER TWO: Hey, I'm not the one with a deflated 2souffle and a horrible apron.

ASSISTANT: Good point.

{Pause.}

ASSISTANT: You want to just... just go home?

NUMBER TWO: No way, man! We need to stay here in order to complete our evil plot!

{Pause.}

NUMBER TWO: And they have pizza bagels in their freezer. I love those things.

{Assistant sighs and goes back into the kitchen.}

{Cut: Chez Snootez. The group is still at their table. SkullB looks a bit dissheveled.}

SKULLB: {slurring} You guys... you guys ever notice that... this place is nice!

JERRY: Okay, who let him drink? You know he's bad with the sauce!

SKULLB: Who are you calling a lush? I'm... I can do... I can be who I want to... yo.

{SkullB falls out of his seat.}

SKULLB: {under the table} Nice shoes, Franny!

JERRY: That's it. I'm taking you outside, Skully.

{Cut: the sidewalk in front of Chez Snootez. Jerry kicks SkullB out.}

SKULLB: God... what a party pooper. Neh-heh-heh-heh. Pooper. I've gotta... I need to get home.

{SkullB starts driving down the street, swerving to and fro as he goes.}

{Cut: Chez Snootez. The two women are still at the table. Jerry walks back to the table.}

JERRY: {sighs} Sorry about that, girls. I don't know what to do with that guy.

FRAN: It's alright! You know, I get out of control some times.

CASEY: Don't I know it, love.

{The waiter walks to the table.}

FRANCIS: May I start you off with some appetizers?

FRAN: Yeah, what's this... tête de veau stuff?

FRANCIS: 'Tis cow brains, milady.

FRAN: EEEEEK!

JERRY: Do you have anything here that isn't cruel?

FRANCIS: But why wouldn't you want anything cruel? That's what French cuisine is about!

JERRY: ... Huh. Fran, you may want to leave.

FRAN: I'll... I'll do that.

{Fran starts to retch, and she runs out of the restaurant.}

CASEY: ... How do you stay in business?

FRANCIS: People are suckers for haute cuisine.

{Cut: the Living Room. Number Two is still sitting on the couch.}

NUMBER TWO: {yawns} How long have we been here? Wow.

ASSISTANT: {offscreen} Master, shouldn't we start breaking stuff now?

NUMBER TWO: Okay! God! If you're going to pester me about it, I might as well do it.

{Suddenly, a siren goes off outside the house.}

NUMBER TWO: Oh, shoot! It's the feds! Quick, act natural!

{A police officer walks into the room.}

OFFICER STEIN: Hello there. Gentlemen. I see you're doing well.

NUMBER TWO: Thank you, officer! What seems to be the problem?

OFFICER STEIN: We had reports of a strange robot around these parts. Are you that robot?

NUMBER TWO: ... No.

OFFICER STEIN: ... Really?

NUMBER TWO: You must be mistaken.

OFFICER STEIN: I could have sworn... never mind. If you see a robot, tell me.

NUMBER TWO: Gotcha.

{Officer Stein leaves.}

NUMBER TWO: ... Holy crap is he gullible. I'm surprised.

ASSISTANT: Well let's be thankful we got away with it. Now-

{SkullB walks in, still noticably drunk.}

SKULLB: ... {hiccups} Why are you in my house?

NUMBER TWO: Oh, shoot. Are... are you going to kill me?

SKULLB: ... {laughs} What? No! Just... please leave. I want to... I need to lay down. Right... now.

{SkullB collapses and starts to sleep on the floor.}

NUMBER TWO: ... Cripes, that was close.

ASSISTANT: Come on, Master, let's leave.

{The two leave. Before exiting, Number Two looks at SkullB and kicks him.}

NUMBER TWO: Ha! I win!

{Cut: the Living Room, an hour later. SkullB is still on the floor. Jerry and Casey walk in.}

CASEY: Uh... Skully?

SKULLB: {mumbling} Star... StarTropics...

JERRY: Leave him alone. He'll wake up tomorrow.

{The two walk out of the room.}

CASEY: {offscreen} Hey! Somebody made a souffle!

{Cut: the Lab, the next day.}

NUMBER TWO: Holy wow did we mess up our plan yesterday.

ASSISTANT: Eh, that's villainy for you. You win some, you lose some. Mostly you lose some.

NUMBER TWO: Yeah... yeah.

{Pause.}

NUMBER TWO: Okay, seriously, if you wear that apron any longer I'll have to burn it. I swear to God I will make that happen.

{Cue credits.}