The SkullB Show/31

Overview

Episode 31: Talk Soup

Casey, Fran and SkullB go to a talkshow when panic erupts. Meanwhile, Jerry messes with firecrackers.

CAST: Short Shadow, Tall Shadow, Pizza Boy, SkullB, Casey, Fran, Jerry, a guard, a squirrel, Viera

PLACES: Dark Room, the Living Room, Viera Studio, the Back Yard, New York City, the Front Yard

PAGE TITLE: The SkullB Show!

Transcript

{Open: the Dark Room.}

?????? ???: {on phone} Yes, Meesta Pizza? ... Yes, I'd like a medium oyster and lo mein pizza, please. ... Just put it on my bill. ... My name? Kyle Assistant.

{The tall, shadowy figure walks into the room.}

?????????: Hello, Master. How's it going?

?????? ???: Oh, nothing...

{A pizza boy walks into the room.}

PIZZA BOY: Hello. Mr. Assistant? I have your pizza.

?????????: Wait, my pizza?

?????? ???: Ahahahahaha! Pranked you!

?????????: Wait, but I-

?????? ???: PAY FOR IT!

{Cue theme song.}

{Cut: the Living Room. Casey, Fran and SkullB are on the couch. Jerry walks in.}

JERRY: Hello, ladies. And Skully. What're you all watching?

CASEY: Oh, we're watching Viera!

JERRY: ... Uh... what?

FRAN: It's only the greatest talk-show on air today!

JERRY: Oh. Well, why are you watching it, Skully?

SKULLB: What can I say? I'm a sucker for daytime television!

JERRY: Well, then. That's something I didn't know about you.

CASEY: Hey, hey, hey! Shhh!

ANNOUNCER: Hey, all you pawns! Do you want to attend Viera, live?

CASEY: Yes!

FRAN: Yeah!

SKULLB: Ohmigod yes!

ANNOUNCER: Then call this number right now! Spaces are limited, and it's going to be only a matter of minutes before you lose your chance!

{SkullB quickly grabs the phone and dials the number.}

SKULLB: {on phone} Hello? ... Yes, I'd like three tickets to see Viera! ... Really? That's great! Thanks, bye!

{SkullB hangs up.}

SKULLB: We've got the tickets!

{The girls and SkullB scream in unison.}

CASEY: How'd you get them?

SKULLB: My man Tony can always get tickets to the best shows!

FRAN: ... That sounds a bit suspicious, Skully.

SKULLB: He doesn't forge them! He just has uncanny timing is all.

FRAN: Oh.

{Pause.}

CASEY: We're going to go see Viera!

{The three scream in unison again.}

JERRY: Okay, then. I'm going to leave this room before my eardrums explode.

{Jerry leaves.}

SKULLB: So what are we waiting for? We've gotta go to New York!

{The girls and SkullB leave the house. Shortly after, Jerry walks into the room.}

JERRY: Phew! Those warblers are gone. Now I can do what I was planning to do the whole day...

{Jerry pulls out a lighter.}

JERRY: Blow stuff up.

{Cut: a New York studio. Fran, Casey, SkullB and countless others are in line, waiting to see Viera.}

FRAN: I can't believe it! We're actually going to see Viera, live!

CASEY: And we might even get a nice prize for it!

SKULLB: Here's hoping! OOH! We're next!

{The three move up in line. The two women take their tickets and flash them at the guard. He lets them in. SkullB walks up and flashes his ticket.}

GUARD: Woah woah woah. Sorry, buddy. No robots in the studio.

SKULLB: Wh- what? Why?

GUARD: Listen, I don't make the rules. I wish I did, but I don't. Sorry, but you're going to have to give your ticket to somebody else.

SKULLB: Oh, this is unbelievable! You, sir, are a robotist!

GUARD: A what?

SKULLB: You're prejudice against robots, aren't you? Well, if that's how it is, I'd rather not see your filthy prejudiced show!

{SkullB rips up his ticket and tosses it on the ground.}

SKULLB: {walking off} I hope you're happy, fleshbag!

{Cut: the backyard of the SkullB House. Jerry walks into the back, holding a large bag of firecrackers and a slingshot.}

JERRY: Oh-ho-ho-ho yes! This is the greatest idea I've ever had!

{Jerry lights a firecracker, loads it in the slingshot and shoots it into the neighbor's yard. It explodes, creating a large bang.}

NEIGBOR: Hey! HEY! What was that?

JERRY: {quietly, to himself} Yes! Target hit!

{Jerry grabs a nearby ladder and gets on the roof. He then starts shooting firecrackers at passing cars.}

JERRY: Man, this is the best day of my life.

{Suddenly, before shooting another firecracker, it explodes in his hand, and one of his fingers falls off. In shock, Jerry falls over and off of the roof. He lands on the front lawn with a thump.}

JERRY: AAAAH! Oh God, help me! My finger! My finger is gone!

{A nearby squirrel runs by and grabs Jerry's severed finger and runs up a tree.}

JERRY: Damn you, squirrel! Damn you!

{Cut: inside the "Veira" studio. Casey and Fran have front row seats.}

FRAN: I can't believe it! Front row seats, even!

CASEY: It's always been my dream to be in the corner of the shot on TV!

{The lights brighten as the spotlights focus on the stage.}

ANNOUNCER: And now, the host with the most, the woman you all trust with your hearts and souls, heeeeeere's Viera!

{A pallid, tall woman walks onto the stage. She blows kisses around, and sits at her desk.}

VIERA: Welcome, Ea...verybody! Tonight, we talk to a B-list celebrity involved in a shocking scandal! And prizes!

{Everyone cheers.}

VIERA: Glad to see you're all excited! But first, check under your seats, everyone!

{As everyone reaches under their seats, Viera takes out a remote. She pushes the button. The people then get back up.}

WOMAN: Wait, where were the prizes?

VIERA: Oh, just wait for it.

{Suddenly, belts emerge from the seats, grabbing everyone and strapping them to their seats. Helmets come down from the ceiling and land on everyone's heads.}

CASEY: What the heck?

VIERA: Don't worry, everyone! We're not on air yet, heh heh heh!

FRAN: Gee, she must really find this funny!

CASEY: Whatever's going on, I don't like it! We're strapped to our seats with helmets on our heads! How could this get any worse?

{Cut: the Front Lawn. Jerry is holding a bag of firecrackers in one, finger-missing hand, and a single firecracker in the other. The squirrel, holding Jerry's finger, is in a tree.}

JERRY: Alright, squirrel. It's either you or my finger, and I don't like you at all.

{Jerry lights the firecracker and tosses it at the squirrel. Frightened, the squirrel runs into the tree it's in.}

JERRY: Damnit! Looks like I've gotta make this one count.

{Jerry lights another firecracker and starts aiming. He aims too long, however, and he blows off a finger on his good hand.}

JERRY: AAAAGH! Oh, sweet merciful Christ! Not again!

{The squirrel runs out of the tree and grabs Jerry's other finger.}

JERRY: Oh, God, why? Why?

{Cut: outside the Viera studio. SkullB is sitting against the wall, near the door.}

SKULLB: Lousy stinkin' security... won't let me in... can't a robot get no respect around here?

{Suddenly, a screaming sound is heard.}

SKULLB: What was that?

{Pause.}

SKULLB: Probably all of Viera's adoring fans warbling about the prize under their seats. Hmph.

{Cut: inside the Viera studio. Viera is at her desk, while everyone is still in the helmet-strap apparatus.}

VIERA: Now, I trust everyone is comfy? Good! If you weren't, I'd have to tighten the straps! Now, just sit back and relax, while I finish doing some work.

{Viera presses a button on her desk and a large satellite emerges. She takes off her wig to reveal two antennae. She removes some contacts from her eyes to show black, reflective, alien eyes.}

VIERA: Ahem...

{"Viera" starts speaking in alien tongues into a reciever.}

CASEY: {to Fran} What is she saying?

FRAN: I've got no idea... the big question is... what is she?

CASEY: If I learned anything when I took that xenomorphology course my sophomore year, I think she's an alien!

FRAN: Oh! That makes sense!

CASEY: Now if only I had some water...

FRAN: Water? Why?

CASEY: Everyone knows aliens are weak to water! And the common cold, but I'm not Tom Cruise.

FRAN: Wow. That was pretty oblique.

CASEY: I bet you don't even know what that means.

FRAN: {sobs} It's true!

CASEY: Alright, shut up. We've gotta get out of here, and I think I know who could help us.

{Casey wiggles her arm into her pocket and pulls out a cell phone. She quickly types something up and sends it.}

FRAN: What did you just do?

CASEY: I texted Skully. Hopefully he'll get it.

{Cut: the city of New York. SkullB is walking down a sidewalk, whistling.}

SKULLB: Even though I was kicked out, I can still enjoy the scenic New York city! After all, nothing could possibly go wr-

{SkullB start to vibrate.}

SKULLB: Oh! I've got a message.

{SkullB grabs a phone from his carriage and opens it.}

SKULLB: ... {gasps} Casey and Fran are being held hostage by alien-turned-talkshow host Viera, and are slowly having the will sucked out of them by strange helmets? Wow, it's amazing how much you can condense into a text message. Anyhow, I've gotta save them!

{SkullB starts driving off, quickly. Several people are pushed out of the way.}

SKULLB: Sorry, I need to save my friends!

{Cut: the Front Lawn. Jerry is lying on the ground, bleeding.}

JERRY: Why... won't I stop... bleeding? Please... make it... stop...

{The squirrel from before runs out of the tree and stops beside Jerry.}

JERRY: What... do you want...? I would... strangle you but I can't... move my hands...

{The squirrel runs inside the house. Seconds later, it comes out, holding a plastic baggie full of ice and the two lost fingers.}

JERRY: What the... what are you doing?

{The squirrel chatters a bit and tosses the bag onto Jerry's stomach.}

JERRY: I can't believe it... you were trying to help me all along?

{The squirrel nods.}

JERRY: My God... thank you, little guy. Sorry about the... misconception.

{The squirrel chatters again, as if to say "it's okay, no harm done".}

JERRY: Alright, then. Did you call 911?

{The squirrel nods.}

JERRY: Awesome.

{Jerry and the squirrel high-five eachother.}

{Cut: the Viera studio building. SkullB quickly drives inside. He starts driving down the hallways, knocking guards out of his way. Suddenly, he is stopped by a large guard.}

GUARD: Hey, no intruders while Viera is taping!

SKULLB: Tough.

{SkullB rams into the guard and pushes him out of the way. Eventually, SkullB reaches the studio and finds the entirety of the studio audience in a trance-like state.}

CASEY: Skully... help us...

SKULLB: Woah, what the hell?

VIERA: I'm afraid you're a bit tardy to the party, my good sir.

{SkullB turns around to see Viera at her desk, still undisguised.}

SKULLB: Viera! Are you... doing this?

VIERA: Looks like you've figured it out already.

SKULLB: So, tell me, Viera... what's going on?

VIERA: Normally, I don't want to reveal my plans, but I'm near unstoppable at this point, so I'll tell you.

SKULLB: Really? Cool!

VIERA: Alright, then. See, I come from the planet of Ohpraa-Tieraa IV, land of alluring aliens and impressive television programs. We Ohpraa-Tieraans came to Earth in order to collect souls. After all, we fuel our ships with the souls of other beings. After we land on one planet, we harvest enough souls to power our ships to the next one, and it turns out your planet was next in line! So I've been doing this for years, collecting souls, and today's the day I finally take off for Omicron Persei VIII! Isn't that great?

SKULLB: Frankly, it's not. Now let my people go!

VIERA: Biblical references won't help you this time, robot! I'm taking flight, right after these messages!

SKULLB: Not if I have anything to do with it!

{SkullB shoots the strange apparatus at Viera's desk, setting it on fire and creating a lot of smoke.}

VIERA: Though I may have lost my connections, I'm still alright! You're such an idiot!

SKULLB: Really, now?

{The smoke from the fire sets off the sprinklers, overriding the helmet machines and setting the audience free.}

CASEY: Oh, my... my soul is... coming back to me! I feel better somehow!

FRAN: Yay!

VIERA: What? What?! No! No no no no no!

{Suddenly, Viera starts smoking.}

VIERA: Wait a minute...

{Viera's skin starts to slough off.}

VIERA: My... my skin! It feels like it's...

{Viera swipes at her face and pulls a big chunk out.}

VIERA: AAAAH!

{Viera starts melting.}

VIERA: I'm melting! Melting! My only regret is dying!

{Viera melts into a puddle. SkullB turns to it and sets it on fire using a flamethrower in his mouth.}

SKULLB: Good riddance to bad television.

FRAN: Thanks, Skully! How'd you do it?

SKULLB: I played Mega Man 2--thus, I know that aliens are weak to water. Thinking quickly, I started a fire as to set off the sprinklers. "Viera" never saw it coming.

CASEY: Wow. How clever.

SKULLB: Now let's be glad this is all over. Let's go home!

{Cut: the Living Room. Jerry, SkullB, Casey and Fran are sitting on the couch. Jerry's hands are bandaged up.}

CASEY: So a squirrel helped you get your fingers back?

JERRY: Yep. I don't know why, but I guess he felt compassion for me.

FRAN: You never did tell us how you lost two fingers.

JERRY: I'd... rather not.

CASEY: Whatever the case, we're all okay in the end!

SKULLB: That's right!

ANNOUNCER: {on TV} Coming up next--the Oprah Winfrey Show!

SKULLB: Ugh, change it.

{Casey grabs the remote and presses a button. The screen suddenly turns to black.}

{Cue end credits.}