Wikihood/eps/8

Transcript

{Open to the apartment, specificlaly Lex's bedroom. His alarm reads 7:00 AM. It goes off, and it is immediately switched off by Chaos, who is standing over Lex's bed.}

CHAOS: Wakey wakey, Lexy. You slept on it. Are you in, or not?

{Lex looks at Chaos groggily.}

LEX: Ah, for fuck's sake, mon.

{Lex props himself up, to be at eye level with Chaos.}

LEX: You ain't gonna change yer mind on this, are ya?

CHAOS: Have I ever been the kind of person to change my mind about anything?

{Lex stifles laughter.}

LEX: Touché. I'm in.

{Chaos cheers.}

CHAOS: Ha, yes! I'm thinking we can even bring the old crew back together: Rashid, Headwiz, Elhera; hell, even Toby!

LEX: That's gonna be a tough titty for you, bruh. For one, Toby's dead.

CHAOS: No way! Fuck, how?

{Cut to the interior of a bar, in parts unknown. A drunk man is surrounded by several angry armoured Dwarven Hellriders, as an intimidated bartender and some patrons look over in shock.}

TOBY: Y'know, you're all a bunch of fuckin' stumps! We Humans are the best at everything!

BARTENDER: Please don't make a scene, please don't make a scene...

{One of the Hellriders, a bespectacled Dwarf with a long blue beard, has a cold smile on his face.}

DOCTORATE: {in a Cajun accent} We can't condone his kind of blabber in your fine establishment. He must pay for his words, as is the intent of our First and Second Amendment rights.

{Doctorate takes out a sword, and begins humming a prayer as the other Hellriders brandish theirs out. Loud screaming can be heard amongst the audience. Toby begins throwing rum bottles at the Hellriders, with one of them hitting Doctorate; this interrupts his prayer.}

DOCTORATE: Not all of them can be saved from damnation.

{The Dwarven Hellriders descend upon Toby, with the camera turning away from them after. Cut back to Lex and Chaos.}

CHAOS: Fuckin' Toby! The guy was a racist cock, but he was an awesome getaway driver. I guess he's out of the picture. What about the others?

{Cut to a desert in Lebanon. Rashid is there, in a mechanical suit that goes over his military uniform, as he looks on to a letter which looks written by a Jamaican man. Rashid lightly chuckles, as he gets into a truck that drives into the hot desert. He looks back, to the inside of the truck. Several high-tech gadgets have price tags on them, as if to be sold in an auction. Other uniformed men in mechanical suits and in possession of high-grade weaponry cheer on, as they continue toward an unknown destination. The screen pauses, with the words "MIA" in blue over the paused scene.}

LEX: ...Rashid's been MIA for a while.

CHAOS: Fuckin' really?

{Cut to a part of Skiverton, which looks to be occupied primarily by Elves - mostly Drow, with some other Elves in the mix. A highly attractive half-Elf can be seen, sitting next to a Drow in dreadlocks, wearing leather.}

DREADLOCK DROW: Elhera, you came. Good.

{The dreadlocked Drow smirks, letting platinum fangs show from his teeth. Elhera looks annoyed.}

ELHERA: Oh, go smoke a pipe, Davv'roth.

DAVV'ROTH: We must discuss how we're going to enable The Glabal MC to take over this dump of a town.

ELHERA: Don't you have other biker gangs to content with?

DAVV'ROTH: They're easy pickin's, but what I'm worried about is-

{The scene cuts back to Lex and Chaos.}

CHAOS: So she's playing for a different team, huh?

LEX: Yeah, I thought she was gonna retire.

CHAOS: So did I.

{Lex thinks for a moment.}

CHAOS: What about Headwiz?

LEX: Headwiz is... Headwiz. Tha girl's a flake.

CHAOS: We should still try her. I don't know any other hackers. Besides, she won't be flaky when she realizes how much she'll be paid.

LEX: Do you know how much we'll be getting paid?

{Cut back to Lex and Chaos.}

CHAOS: We should still try her. I don't know any other hackers. Besides-

{The front door opens, revealing a beleaguered Garfield who looks sleepy. Chaos and Lex hear from a distance, and arrive to greet him.}

CHAOS: Oh, hey Garfield! Um-

{Garfield wordlessly scans the room. Posters and documents are laid about, on the dinner table.}

CHAOS: Planning a birthday party for-

{Garfield's eyes lower.}

GARFIELD: You're organizing a Heist against D'Arque's Fundraiser at the Rosenberg Association, aren't you?

{Chaos is at a loss for words.}

LEX: You figured that out surprisingly quick.

GARFIELD: Under different circumstances, I'm sure my hand would help to make this Heist flawless. However...

{Garfield closes his eyes, shaking his head.}

GARFIELD: I've made a firm promise to Stephanie to not do any vigilante shenanigans at her party.

LEX: At least one of us has his head on straight this mornin'...

{Garfield peers over to the fridge.}

GARFIELD: {offscreen} Is there anything I can still supply you guys with on your adventure? Maybe some contacts? Ooh!

{Garfield closes the fridge, and goes to his room. After a few seconds, he gets out a pair of Arrowguns, and jokingly points them at Chaos' bed.}

GARFIELD: How about guns?

{Chaos and Lex's eyes both widen, in horror.}

LEX: Woah, mate. No guns.

CHAOS: Yeah, guns are too fuckin' messy. Once you start shooting, you just incite a whole riot. On top of all that, I don't want any blood on my hands. I'm a professional, not a murderer.

{Garfield nods, approvingly.}

GARFIELD: I applaud the fact you have standards, at least that which I do not.

{Garfield heads back to his room, putting his Arrowguns away. He returns to the room.}

CHAOS: Dude, are you sure you don't want to kick D'Arque's ass with us? Last I heard... you wanted a piece of him, too!

{Lex makes nonverbal gestures at Garfield, implying that he shouldn't join in.}

LEX: You're including him in this?! Brudda, he's not suited for this stuff. He's-

GARFIELD: -a vigilante scientist with intensive anger issues, who was already violently-

{Cut to a younger Garfield, in an area presumed to be the afterlife. A skeletal woman, in a similar dress to one Garfield wore in his wanted poster, is also there.}

DEATH: I'm sorry, Garfield. It's not yet your time, and this isn't meant to be. You see, I'm already dating Deadpool, and-

{Cut to Garfield stopping himself midway through assumed exposition.}

LEX: ...that...

{Garfield proceeds to move towards the kitchen, making himself a glass of Naminade.}

GARFIELD: I'll still be at the Fundraiser. I promised Stephanie I would.

LEX: Wait, you're still goin'?

{Garfield drinks his glass of Naminade. Halfway through, he slips a Midol into his mouth and continues drinking.}

GARFIELD: If you must know, tickets for the event are $200 a pop. I consider myself fortunate I got one of my baller paycheques earlier in the week.

{Chaos' eyes become gold dollar signs. He also starts to drool.}

CHAOS: Ooh, and the population count is 500 or more people... not to mention private donations...

LEX: Mighty Jah.

{Lex facepalms. Garfield motions towards the door.}

GARFIELD: I do hope you assemble a posse of some kind, to ensure your weaknesses are mitigated. For now, I must attend to visitation of Stephanie at the Fundraiser grounds. Smell ya later, Edgymancer!

{Garfield shuts the door behind him. As he is about to head downstairs, another door opens wide, with Volkov sticking his head out. He looks stern, as if to lecture Garfield.}

VOLKOV: I heard everything.

{Garfield blinks. Volkov's expression changes to one of sadness.}

VOLKOV: It is shame you turned down offer. Your skills alone would save Lex plenty of trouble.

GARFIELD: I offered my weapons cache to them both.

VOLKOV: So they decline guns? Perhaps Chaos not know secret about guns.

{Volkov smirks.}

VOLKOV: You need not fire one to use it optimally.

{Garfield nods sagely.}

GARFIELD: At the same time, I literally made a promise to Stephanie not long ago. Going back on that screams, "Heresy!" and follows up with a loud gunshot of its own.

{Volkov widens the door's opening, and steps out. Garfield walks down a couple steps, to give him some room.}

VOLKOV: If nothing else, I'm in. More is merrier!

{Volkov knocks on the door to the other apartment. Garfield resumes heading down the stairs, but the camera stays fixed on Volkov, as he is greeted by Lex and Chaos.}

LEX: Oh, hey Volkov! We, er-

VOLKOV: I'm in.

{Chaos looks dumbstruck.}

CHAOS: I'm sorry, what?!

VOLKOV: I am inspired by feats of wonder shown to me by Lex and Garfield, through stageplay!

{Lex leans in, to Chaos' ear.}

LEX: {whispers} Garfield's vigilante thing is often nicknamed "LARPing" so we don't "Break the Masquerade," if you catch my drift.

CHAOS: Uh...

{Lex and Chaos look at Volkov normally.}

LEX: We're unsure of what role you'd be able to "play," mon!

VOLKOV: I will find something from Garfield's closet! He has cool gadgets, and other science things! Maybe I can be mad scientist!

{Chaos guffaws wildly.}

CHAOS: Hang on, hang on. We've still got some "auditions" to do, know what I mean?

{Chaos winks at Lex, who rolls his eyes. Then, cut to Lex standing outside the front door of a house in a suburban neighborhood. The house is painted entirely in black, contrasting with the ordinary houses surrounding it. It is also covered with security cameras, all which are currently pointed at Lex. He rings the doorbell.}

LEX: 'Ello, is anybody home?

DOORBELL: STATE YOUR NAME, ADDRESS, EMAIL ADDRESS, PHONE NUMBER, AND PROOF THAT YOU ARE NOT A FED.

LEX: Uh... My name is Lex... I live in a pierogi bar on 26807 Sunshine Avenue... I don't have an email address, and my phone number is-

{Suddenly, the door opens. Lex is greeted by a woman wearing glasses and scruffy clothing. She is in her late-20's, and also of mixed Japanese-European heritage.}

HEADWIZ: Fucking Lex, after all this time! Come in, come in!

{Lex follows Headwiz into her house, which is absolutely cluttered with PC parts, pizza boxes, and cats. All of the curtains are drawn, leaving the room with no light aside from the countless computer monitors.}

HEADWIZ: Sit down, sit down! Lemme get you something. Do you want coffee, an energy drink, or a Headwiz Special?

LEX: What's a Headwiz Special?

HEADWIZ: It's coffee, with an energy drink poured into it. Great for gaming marathons!

LEX: I'll jus' have a glass'a water.

HEADWIZ: Pfft; fuckin' boring choice, but alright. One BORING glass of water, comin' right up!

{Headwiz heads to her kitchen. Lex looks around the living room; The walls are absolutely covered, with items such as "I Want To Believe" Posters with UFOs, 9/11 Truth Booklets, Anime Posters, and a Playboy pinup. Headwiz returns, holding a glass of water in one hand, and a cup of coffee in another. She sets the two on the coffee table, before sitting down.}

HEADWIZ: Whazzup, my White Jamaican Alien friiiiiiend? I heard Chaos got released from the clink. Still can't believe he got caught in the first place.

LEX: About that, actually. We're plannin' a Heist against the D'Arque Charity Fundraiser, and we're wonderin' if you wanna join in.

{Headwiz sits up. Light reflects on her glasses, giving them a glow as a manic smile appears on her face. She suddenly jumps up in excitement.}

HEADWIZ: Another heist with you cool cats? I am SO FUCKING IN! It's gonna be fucking awesome! You do not fucking know how much I fucking missed doing this shit with you guys, fuck! Is Toby in?

LEX: Toby's dead.

HEADWIZ: Ahh, that's a fucking shame. Fucker probably deserved it, though.

LEX: Are ya sure that ya up to it? I mean, this is a big 'un.

HEADWIZ: Look. I'm a hacker, I do this shit on a daily fucking basis! This is child's play to me. Of course, I'm fucking up to it!

{Lex laughs.}

LEX: Ey, just makin' sure, mon. Thanks, Hitomi. I'll send you the details through IRC.

HEADWIZ: I've got a shitload of new gadgets, and I've been itching to try them. Let's do this shit!

{Cut to Garfield, entering the Rosenberg Industries building in what appears to be overly old-school fancy clothing, adorned by a black feather atop a massive red pirate hat. He is greeted by an office secretary.}

SECRETARY: State your name, and what floor you wish to head towards.

{Garfield clears his throat, whilst the secretary looks at him in confusion.}

GARFIELD: The name is Garzel Carradine, and I'm here to visit the D'Arque Fundraiser Event Room at the behest of an erstwhile ally.

SECRETARY: And who might this "erstwhile ally" be?

{The secretary gives a wry smirk, as if expecting Garfield to freeze up. He doesn't.}

GARFIELD: Stephanie Young.

{The secretary, raising a brow, motions over to the telephone. It rings for a little bit, then mumbling can be heard.}

SECRETARY: You have a "Garzel Carradine" to visit you?

{More mumbling can be heard.}

SECRETARY: So he's the real deal, then. I figured this was just some pompous con-

{Violent mumbling can be heard.}

SECRETARY: Okay, okay. Well, erm-

{The secretary coughs, while nicer mumbling can now be heard.}

SECRETARY: I'll send him directly to you. Thanks.

{The secretary hangs up. She glares at Garfield.}

SECRETARY: You're a lucky fucker, y'know that?

{Garfield shrugs, then the scene fast-forwards to him motioning over to the elevator and leaving when he enters it. Cut to Chaos, exiting an elevator in Town Hall. He is immediately greeted by Noelle, the receptionist.}

NOELLE: Oh hey, you're the one who tripped!

{Chaos goes red.}

CHAOS: Oh great. Is that what you remember me by?

{Noelle chuckles.}

NOELLE: I'm sorry, I shouldn't laugh at you. It's unprofessional; besides, we all have our clumsy moments!

CHAOS: Oh no, please! Laugh at me as much as you'd like! It was pretty funny!

{Noelle smiles.}

NOELLE: Are you here to see the Mayor again? He's unfortunately out of town at the moment.

CHAOS: Actually, I was hoping to see if I could get a blueprint from one of the archives! You see, I'm... um... pursuing an architecture hobby, and I'm looking for inspiration.

NOELLE: An architect, eh? Sure thing. Come with me.

{Noelle gestures Chaos to follow her. She leads him to a staircase at the end of the building, leading down towards the basement.}

CHAOS: So, um... You work here often?

NOELLE: Well, it is my job. I'm here from opening to closing, from Monday to Thursday.

CHAOS: Friday's off, huh? Lucky.

{The two walk through a basement corridor, while still talking.}

NOELLE: How about you? Do you have a job?

CHAOS: This is my job, sort of.

NOELLE: I thought you said it was a hobby.

CHAOS: ...They tie into each other.

{Noelle laughs.}

NOELLE: You're pursuing your passions? Wow, that sounds fun, actually!

{Chaos blushes. Finally, they find themselves at a door. Noelle pulls out a key, and unlocks it. This leads them into a room full of filing cabinets. The two of them walk in.}

NOELLE: Do you know what you're looking for?

CHAOS: I need the blueprints to the Rosenberg building, y'know, the one on 5th Street.

NOELLE: Alright! Say, did you hear about the Fundraiser that they're having there? For that D'Arque guy?

{Chaos nervously chuckles. Noelle leads him to a filing cabinet in the middle of the room, where she proceeds to open it.}

CHAOS: Y-yeah. I saw him, a few days ago.

NOELLE: He comes by pretty often to speak to the Mayor. Don't tell anybody about this, but I don't think the Mayor likes him too much. He always looks so spooked whenever he's around.

CHAOS: I'm not a huge fan either. How about you?

NOELLE: From what I see of him on TV, he seems like a nice guy, and he's friendly enough to me. I don't know, really.

{Chaos scrolls through the files, before pulling out the plans for the Rosenberg skyscraper.}

CHAOS: There it is! Thank you so much, Noelle!

{Noelle smiles.}

NOELLE: Anytime, Mr... what's your name?

CHAOS: Cha-... Felix. Felix Zabat.

{Noelle shakes Chaos' hand. Chaos goes red.}

NOELLE: In that case, you're welcome, Felix!

{Cut to Garfield and Tracy in Surreal Cereals.}

TRACY: That D'Arque bloke did what?

GARFIELD: Yes, and I figured this would be the best way to punish him. So, you in?

TRACY: Blimey, Garfield. I dunno if I want to risk my good name to be tarnished. It might be hard to sell cereals in publique if this gets nasty.

GARFIELD: Don't worry about that. You'll have a disguise. Do you know any glamour spells, by any chance?

TRACY: Go smoke a pipe. I'm not quite at Archmage level myself. But yeah, I'm still in. I really do need the money.

GARFIELD: Chaos wanted us to meet at the Mattress Warehouse, where Lex works.

TRACY: I'll be there shortly. I'm sure you can use all the magical firepower you can get your hands on. Do you have anyone else?

GARFIELD: I just need to get a getaway driver, and I think we'll be good.

{Cut to a large log-home in a hilly rural area. An instrumental of "Take Me Home, Country Roads" by John Denver plays. A caption appears on-screen, reading "Phoenixshire, West Virginia." A young man with a short ginger walks out of the front door of the home. He is wearing a baseball cap, a plaid button-up shirt, and blue jeans with a belt. He is talking on his phone.}

YOUNG MAN: So, ya sayin' that you need yourselves a getaway driver? Why, cuz, I'm just happy that ya thought'a me t'help you. Of course I'm in!

{Mumbling on the other end of the phone.}

YOUNG MAN: Oh, don't ya worry 'bout plane tickets, I'll be there. Any excuse to hang out is good enough for me. Besides, how can I pass up an opportunity to stick it to the big boys?

{Mumbling.}

YOUNG MAN: Aw nah, thank you! You can bet I'll bring my fastest ride. Why, I got me a wagon that can outrun any police car by miles. I'll see ya soon, man.

{The man hangs up. A little girl runs out of the house and towards the man.}

LITTLE GIRL: Who was that, Virgil? Was it one of those damn telemarketers again?

VIRGIL: Hey, watch yer swearin'! It ain't proper for such a young lady to use that kinda language. But nah, it was our Cousin Garf! He invited me over for a... um... friendly gatherin'.

LITTLE GIRL: Oh wow, can I come?

VIRGIL: Now, now, Melissa. I don't think Ma and Pa would like it if I took you to a city on the other side of the country. Not yet, at least. I'll tell Garf ya said hi, though. And maybe even a souvenir if you been good!

{Virgil walks behind the house, where there is revealed to be a large garage full of cars. He walks up to one that is offscreen and smirks.}

VIRGIL: Now, this is a getaway vehicle.

{Cut to Stephanie on her phone.}

STEPHANIE: Okay, so you guys have the Security? Good, I don't exactly trust my newfound allies to pack any heat. Though, Leigh might be useful in a fight... I'll have to assess him.

{More muffled noises.}

STEPHANIE: Be here in thirty minutes. Farewell.

{Stephanie hangs up. She walks over to Jacqueline, who is taking a call herself.}

JACQUELINE: Sir, I assure you. Our security is top notch.

{Mumbling.}

JACQUELINE: Right. That's understandable. Alright. I will see you soon.

{Jacqueline gets off the phone.}

JACQUELINE: That was Mr. "Alistair Hawthorne," one of the guests for tomorrow evening. He is incredibly paranoid about our level of security and he wishes to check for himself whether or not it is up to his standards.

{She looks at Leigh, who is standing next to her.}

JACQUELINE: I trust that you will be able to escort this man around? Enough to alleviate his concerns, at least?

LEIGH: Of course! I can do that!

{Cut to Chaos, Lex, Garfield, Headwiz, and Tracy, who are gathered in the office room of Mattress Warehouse, which has been converted into a planning room with a drawing board and everything. "Alistair Hawthorne" is revealed to be Tracy, who just got off the phone.}

TRACY: {In a fake-Australian accent.} How did I do, mates?

CHAOS: I just don't know why you had to use that ridiculous accent.

TRACY: Mock me for my accents as much as you like; you're the one who got laughed out by a bunch of hipsters.

{Headwiz bursts into laughter.}

HEADWIZ: BUT CHAOS IS THE ULTIMATE HIPSTER! I MEAN, WHO CALLS HIMSELF "CHAOS," ANYWAY?

CHAOS: It was the name I chose for myself when I went to magic school!

{Chaos shrugs.}

CHAOS: It just sort of stuck!

TRACY: I dunno why you still use it. I abandoned mine a long time ago.

LEX: What was yours, mon?

TRACY: ..."Darkheart."

{Headwiz laughs even harder.}

HEADWIZ: HAH, WHAT A STUPID NAME! THAT'S LIKE CHAOS, BUT EVEN WORSE!

TRACY: You know a lot about stupid names, "Headwiz."

HEADWIZ: Screw you, Headwiz is a cool hacker name. You don't know shit about cool names.

GARFIELD: I think they're all cool names if it means anything.

CHAOS: It doesn't.

TRACY: Hey, where's our getaway driver?

GARFIELD: He's on his way. He'll be here by tomorrow.

HEADWIZ: It's a shame Elhera ain't here. This heist is a total sausagefest.

CHAOS: You're only saying that because you liked to ogle her.

{Headwiz shrugs.}

HEADWIZ: What can I say? She was fuckin' hot.

LEX: To be fair, we're not doin' well in regards to diversity. We're all a buncha humans. She would'a least fit the bill for a non-human.

CHAOS: Oh, come on. What is this? An affirmative action crime caper?

{Tracy raises his hand.}

TRACY: If it means anything, my nonna was partly Elven.

CHAOS: It doesn't. Anyway, let's get to the real shit, shall we? We all know our roles in this, correct?

{Everybody nods.}

CHAOS: Great. Tomorrow evening, we are going to rob the biggest event in Townindale. They're gonna raise some funds, but we're gonna raise the roof!

HEADWIZ: Lame fuckin' line, Chaos.

CHAOS: Shut up! Anyway, are we all good for tomorrow?

{Everybody cheers.}

CHAOS: Fuckin' A! After this is all done, we'll all be dining on steak and champagne!

{Tracy raises his hand.}

TRACY: I'm a vegetarian.

CHAOS: ...Steak and champagne, plus any vegetarian options!

{Everybody cheers.}