Wikihood/eps/7

Summary

• Instead of returning to crime, Chaos gets the bright idea of getting a job. He hates it.
• Garfield edits scientific journals, whilst otherwise talking to Tracy and the Hipsters in Surreal Cereals.
• Leigh and Stephanie agree to

Transcript

{Open to Chaos watching television on the living room couch at noon, with his feet resting on the bag of ski essentials previously purchased. Chaos is alone, and evidently unhappy with this fact. He flicks through the television channels, commenting on each one. Each channel shows archetypal, mundane daytime television.}

CHAOS: Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored.

{Chaos carries on flicking through the channels. He eventually stops, landing on an international news channel. A Dwarven gentleman, with a posh English accent and a well-tailored suit, is presenting in front of giant globe. The globe looks similar to the one we have in real life, but close inspection shows the presence of several more islands and an extra continent in the South Pacific Ocean.}

THROVIN IRONBROW: My name is Throvin Ironbrow and you are watching CBB News International. The Democratic Elven Republic of North Syllahona has considered the possibility of nuclear disarmament after re-establishing diplomatic relations with the Human domain. In a joint statement with President Nithea Valodue of South Syllahona, the illusive Supreme Leader, Eltaor Jovvyn-Yun has agreed to engage in talks with the United Nations.

CHAOS: Oh joy. Politics.

THROVIN IRONBROW: Despite a long history of hostility towards the human domain, North Syllahona has famously maintained diplomatic relations with the Republic of Pulau Syurga, which is located in South East-Asia, even enjoying diplomatic visits from its leader, General Agostino Torratz. Some speculate that Torratz could play a part in peace talks between the human domain and the Elven Republic, while others fear that his long history of human rights abuses may complicate the issue further, as-

{Chaos turns the television off. He lifts his arms to stretch and he yawns.}

CHAOS: Bored. Ugh, is there anything to do?

{A hallucination of Garfield appears, from Chaos' mind.}

GARFIELD: You could always get a job. You've been here for long enough; now it's time to pull your own weight.

{A hallucination of Lex also appears.}

LEX: Ya, mon. Quit bein' such a freeloader and get your ass off the couch! Get a job, mon!

CHAOS: Shut up! You two aren't even real!

{The hallucinations disappear. A new vision appears of an elderly man in exquisite arcane robes. He also has long dark-grey hair, and a black beard. Despite his advanced age, the man is significantly physically fit, with a presence that is particularly intimidating and legendary. The man roars at Chaos.}

????: FELIX!!!!!!!!

CHAOS: Don't you even bother. I am not doing this today, not ever.

{That vision also vanishes.}

CHAOS: Ugh. Maybe it is time to get a job.

{Chaos looks at the bag of ski essentials.}

CHAOS: Or at least something temporary... until I can really make some good money. Yeah!

{Zoom in on Chaos' face.}

CHAOS: It's time to go JOB HUNTING.

{Zoom out to reveal more of the apartment complex that Chaos is exiting from. Cut to Garfield at Surreal Cereals, wielding a laptop and a stack of scientific journals on each arm. He sees Tracy. Tracy greets him in the fake Cockney accent.}

TRACY: 'Ello mate, welcome t'Surreal Cereals! What would ya li-

{Tracy switches to a natural Californian accent.}

TRACY: Oh, hey, Garfield!

GARFIELD: {whispering} I'm here to deliver a resume to your head honcho.

{Tracy looks around. Garfield takes the time to put his belongings down, at a nearby unoccupied booth table.}

TRACY: I thought things at NoxCorp were swimmingly well?

{Garfield shakes his head. He lifts a finger.}

GARFIELD: {whispering} Not for me. For Chaos.

{Garfield gets out a manilla folder, and gives it to Tracy. Inside is a paper, presumed to be Chaos' resume.}

TRACY: I, uh, will give his number a call.

{Garfield smiles, giving Tracy a thumbs-up.}

GARFIELD: {whispering} Thanks. I hear he's a Wizard so I figured he might want some help fitting into the culture of Towningdale. Know any other fine establishments with Wizards in them?

TRACY: Why are you whispering?

{Garfield points at a crowd of hipsters that are staring at him as he's talking to Tracy.}

GARFIELD: {whispering} I'm being watched.

TRACY: Mate, they're harmless.

{Garfield closes his eyes.}

GARFIELD: {whispering} Oh, right. Are these the hipsters of legend?

TRACY: They are. You can stop whispering, by the way. It just makes you look suspicious.

{Garfield clears his throat.}

GARFIELD: Very well, then. I shall try to speed through the surgical edits of these journals, email the end results of people's lab quibblings, and... maybe go out on a night through the towne.

TRACY: A night through the towne? Sounds like you're coming in with criminal intent.

{Tracy pauses.}

GARFIELD: Do you not remember what I'd need for that, first?

{Tracy blinks, then quickly makes himself a cup of drip coffee and brings it over to the booth along with some cereal. He sits down.}

TRACY: I'll put this Pumpkin Chocolate Spice Deluxe on your tab.

{Garfield nods approvingly, as he begins setting up a miniature office inside the booth.}

TRACY: So... this "Chaos" fellow. Another Wizard, eh? How did you hear of him?

GARFIELD: He's my housemate. Additionally, I thought you'd know him already, seeing as he conjured up a storm at the bank not long ago.

{Tracy scoffs.}

TRACY: That's hardly fitting for a Wizard. I'm pretty sure storms are meant to be created outside.

{Tracy tries to take a sip from his cup, but recoils as it's too hot for him.}

TRACY: Ow, damn it.

{Tracy levitates his spoon and silently casts a spell on it to automatically stir the coffee in the cup. Garfield chuckles.}

TRACY: What's his actual name, anyway? Presuming it's not actually Chaos, because that would be kinda fuckin' cringe.

GARFIELD: Contrary to popular belief, it is not Edgymancer. No, he goes by Felix. Felix... Abraxas Zabat, if I recall?

{Tracy raises an eyebrow.}

TRACY: Abraxas, you say? He's not related to The Great Malifact, is he?

GARFIELD: I have absolutely no idea who that is.

TRACY: Oh man, he is a huge deal among magic users. His trading card is incredibly hard to obtain, like, it goes for big money on eBay auctions.

GARFIELD: While insightful for my own ends, especially with creating an army of sentient trading cards... that doesn't tell me anything that would help in this case.

TRACY: Sorry, sorry. I... I know some people.

{Garfield's expression is a bit more cheerful.}

TRACY: Ordinary people, I mean. For an ordinary job. Not Wizard people for a Wizard job. You can tell him that he's always welcome to attend our monthly meetings, though. I'll give you our pamphlet so you can give it to him.

{Tracy pulls a pamphlet out of his pocket, and hands it to Garfield.}

GARFIELD: Thanks, Tracy. And this Great Malifact guy?

TRACY: Just Google him. He's practically a celebrity! It would be cool if your friend was related to him, though!

{Tracy stands up. Cut to Garfield opening up an internet tab that is dedicated to looking things up, then switching to work e-mail tabs immediately after.}

TRACY: Anyhoo, it's time to get back to work.

GARFIELD: Well said.

TRACY: I'll make a phone call when the chance arises. I know of a place that's hiring! It's... not very good, though.

GARFIELD: Considering Chaos' priors, I suspect it will be better than nothing.

{Cut to Chaos pacing around the living room while reading from the "jobs" section of the newspaper.}

CHAOS: Unqualified... unqualified... unqualified-

{Chaos points to a job posting in the newspaper.}

CHAOS: Oh hey, I'm qualified for that one-

{Chaos looks more annoyed, as he rereads the newspaper.}

CHAOS: Oh, goddamn it. It's in Rivergate; that's miles away! What a shame, really. I would have loved to work in a Clock Museum. Ugh.

{Chaos slumps down on the couch, and sighs.}

CHAOS: It's gonna take a long time to get a job in this economy.

{Suddenly, Chaos' phone rings. He answers it.}

CHAOS: Hello?

{Phone mumblings. Chaos' eyes widen.}

CHAOS: Wait? Really? Without an interview? Seriously? Like that? Right now? Wow. Thank you! I'll be right there!

{Minimum Wage by They Might Be Giants plays. The scene cuts to the exterior of a large supermarket, named "HappyMart Supercentre." The logo of the building is on the facade of the building. One notable trait is the smiley face, done to create a sense of artificial happiness. Cut to the store office. The music is now more muffled, coming from the store intercom. Chaos is in a uniform with a yellow happy face on it, standing in a formation with the other new employees, all which have been reduced to complete singularity. The store manager - a blonde white woman with a permanent, uncanny smile on her face - walks in, accompanied by two white human male security guards who are also blond. She speaks to the employees in an incredibly grating faux-positive voice.}

MANAGER: Hello, new employees! My name is Felicia, and I am your new manager!

{Felicia walks forward, inspecting each employee as she talks.}

FELICIA: I welcome each and every one of you into the service of HappyMart!

{Felicia gestures to the walls of the office, which are plastered with smiley faces and faux-inspirational slogans.}

FELICIA: You are surrounded by the symbols and the standards of HappyMart, emphasizing the importance of service with a happy face! You are HappyMart. When you act, the customers act. When you smile, the customers smile! Loyalty is the key to working at HappyMart, and to reflect that, we shall perform our first exercise! Shall we begin?

{Cut to Chaos marching in a formation with new employees, to the beat of a drum. At the front of the formation is a bandleader. Felicia is observing the employees from above, through an office balcony. The employees chant in unison, to the beat of the drum.}

EMPLOYEES: HERE WE MARCH. WE ARE READY TO DELIVER GOOD SERVICE WITH A SMILE. HAPPYMART!

{The formation stops their march. The band leaders turn to the employees in front of them.}

BAND LEADER: Employee, where are you from?

NEW EMPLOYEE #1: I AM FROM TOWNINDALE.

{The band leader turns to the next employee, and to each subsequent one.}

BAND LEADER: And you, employee?

NEW EMPLOYEE #2: FROM BLUEHAVEN.

BAND LEADER: And you?

NEW EMPLOYEE #3: FROM PINE CREEK.

{Lastly, the band leader turns to Chaos.}

BAND LEADER: And you?

CHAOS: Well, um, I'm new here, actually. I was originally born in Norway, but my parents traveled around a lot and-

BAND LEADER: MARCH!

{Chaos silences himself, taken off-guard as the employees carry on marching and chanting.}

EMPLOYEES: HAPPY PEOPLE, HAPPY SERVICE, HAPPY CUSTOMERS, HAPPY MART.

BAND LEADER: WE ARE ALL AT WORK TOGETHER!

EMPLOYEES: IN THE SERVICE INDUSTRY!

BAND LEADER: WE GUARANTEE GOOD SERVICE!

EMPLOYEES: WITH A SMILE!

BAND LEADER: WE WORK HARD AND STAY LOYAL TO THE COMPANY!

EMPLOYEES: TO HAPPYMART!

{The employees finish their march, standing below the balcony with Felicia watching them. She nods and the band leader lifts up a flag with a happy face.}

FELICIA: NOW GO OUT THERE, AND SPREAD YOUR HAPPINESS TO THE CUSTOMERS... WITH A SMILE!!

{Fast-forward to the store during business hours. It is swarming with customers, as all the employees work in a uniform fashion, all while they are being inspected by the security guard patrols and the security cameras. Chaos is working in the check-out station, serving customers with a grim look on his face. A middle-aged man walks to the till, holding an energy drink in his hand. Chaos greets him.}

CHAOS: Welcome to HappyMart, here to deliver service with a smile. Is this all you'll be getting?

MIDDLE-AGED MAN: Yeh.

{The man puts the can on the counter and Chaos scans it. It comes up as $1.30.}

CHAOS: That'll be... a dollar and thirty cents, please.

MIDDLE-AGED MAN: A'ight. I'll pay in cash. 'old on.

{Chaos has his hand out, as the man takes an assortment of coins out from his pocket. He proceeds to slowly count them, ignoring Chaos' hand as he puts each individual coin on the counter in front of his hand. Chaos gives him an "are you kidding me?"-type look. As the man slowly counts each coin, Chaos is becoming visibly less patient; he tries to pick each coin individually from the counter, having trouble in doing so.}

MIDDLE-AGED MAN: A dollar ten... a dollar fifteen... a dollar twenty... a dollar twenty-five...- aw, shit. I'm short five cents. Mind lettin' that go?

{At this point, a long line-up has gathered.}

CHAOS: Yeah, sure. Go ahead.

{The man takes the drink and leaves. This action is sighted by one of the security guards who does not say anything, but moves off-screen. The next customer arrives. This customer is an older blonde woman in bad spray tan, wearing trashy and revealing clothing, that shows too much of her saggy cleavage. She greets Chaos in a seductive tone.}

RISQUÉ WOMAN: Well hello there, handsome stranger. Are you on the menu?

CHAOS: Uh...

{The woman puts a skimpy pair of lingerie on the counter and winks at Chaos. He is taken aback, but scans the item.}

CHAOS: That'll be nine dollars.

RISQUÉ WOMAN: I'll pay with cash.

{The woman digs deep into her cleavage and pulls out a sweaty $10 bill. This time, Chaos doesn't want to touch it. He carefully grabs it by the edge and places it into the cash register. Chaos pulls out a dollar to give to her, but she refuses it.}

RISQUÉ WOMAN: You can keep the change, sweetheart.

{The woman leaves. Following her is an elven couple with several items, including shampoo, deodorant, and dish soap. Chaos begins to scan their items.}

ELVEN HUSBAND: Do you have any freebies?

CHAOS: I don't think so?

{The husband points to a packet of gum.}

ELVEN HUSBAND: How about that?

CHAOS: Uh, you have to pay for that.

ELVEN HUSBAND: Pfft. Okay.

{The wife rolls her eyes. Chaos continues scanning the items, but runs into trouble scanning the dish soap.}

ELVEN HUSBAND: Ooh, it doesn't scan! Does that mean it's free?

ELVEN WIFE: Valindor, please!

VALINDOR: Just having some fun, jeez.

CHAOS: ...that will be twenty-five dollars, please.

{Valindor pulls some money from his pocket.}

VALINDOR: I just conjured it this morning, hah!

{Chaos fake-laughs, while the wife visibly cringes. She practically drags Valindor out, as he maintains a stupid grin. Cut to Garfield, who is still in Surreal Cereals. This time, he is now sitting with the hipsters, who are far more interested in him than they were with Chaos. Incidentially, playing on the cafe radio is Shiny Happy People, by REM. While Garfield still has his laptop and the scientific journals he was proofreading, he looks to have finished his work and is now just munching on cereal otherwise.}

GARFIELD: ...it was then where I realized that if I ever were a Disney villain, I'd wind up being Doofenschmirtz.

FEMALE HIPSTER: Oh man, Phineas and Ferb is the best! But why, though?

GARFIELD: A lot of reasons, truth be told. Mostly an awkward backstory and "tends to be comic relief more than seen as legit."

MANBUN HIPSTER: Yeah dude, I hear ya. Sometimes I feel like background dressing, you know? Like someone created to fill space, blending in the crowd in spite of my attempts to defy uniformity. I mean, look at my manbun.

GARFIELD: That is a very nice manbun if I ever saw one, myself!

{Tracy walks towards the table, holding another bowl of Pumpkin Spice Chocolate Deluxe.}

TRACY: Aaaaaaaand here is your fifteenth bowl. Enjoy, guv'nor.

GARFIELD: Say, I wonder how Chaos is doing with his new job?

TRACY: It's already been about three hours, I just wonder if he'll survive the shift.

{One of the hipsters catches wise, and starts texting on their smartphone. They then send it Garfield's way; "This 'Chaos' dude... is he the one that tried talking to us a few weeks ago?"}

GARFIELD: That would be an affirmative.

{Garfield sends the phone back.}

FEMALE HIPSTER: There was this bloke in emo clothes who was insufferably awkward with us.

{Garfield strokes his own chin.}

GARFIELD: Honestly, I could out-emo Chaos.

{The eyes of several hipsters widen, as if shocked by what Garfield declared.}

INTERSEX HIPSTER: I feckin' knew it.

{Garfield closes his eyes and sighs. The hipsters all get up.}

FEMALE HIPSTER: What an odd co-winky-dink... We've all got places to be, but we did intend to attend a concert if you'd like to hang out with us some time?

{Garfield looks back at his laptop and scientific journals, before shaking his head.}

GARFIELD: I'm afraid I must decline this offer. I'm sure I'll see you guys 'round, at any rate.

{Tracy blinks. Garfield resumes scarfing down his cereal, while the Hipsters all leave. Cut to Chaos, who looks more exhausted. He is being accosted by an Orc mother surrounded by six bratty children who are running around and screaming. She is angrily holding up a box of cereal.}

ORC MOTHER: BUT THE SIGN OVER THERE SAYS IT WAS $2.00, NOT $2.20!! YOU'RE TRYING TO MY MONEY, AREN'T YA?

CHAOS: It's the tax, it's not included in the price! This is America, that's standard!

ORC MOTHER: DON'T YOU TALK BACK TO ME! THE SIGN SAID $2.00, AND I AM GONNA GET IT FOR $2.00! I DEMAND TO SEE YOUR MANAGER!

{Felicia immediately shifts into the frame, wearing her trademark smile.}

FELICIA: Oh no! Is there a problem?

ORC MOTHER: YOU BET MY SWEET ORC ASS THERE'S A PROBLEM. THIS MAN IS TRYIN' TO STEAL MY MONEY, CHARGING ME TWENTY CENTS MORE THAN WHAT THE SIGN SAID! IS THIS THE KIND OF SERVICE THAT YOU ALWAYS HAVE HERE?

FELICIA: Not at all! The customer is always right!

{Felicia gets into the booth, pushing Chaos away from the machine. She re-scans the item and types a few things into the computer, lowering the overall price by twenty cents. She gives the box to the mom, while the children around her carry on running around and screaming. She then pulls out a $20.00 gift certificate and hands it to the mother.}

FELICIA: Here is a $20.00 gift certificate for your troubles! Have a nice day, ma'am!

ORC MOTHER: YOU SHOULD FIRE THAT SON OF A BITCH! HE'S MAKING YOUR COMPANY LOOK BAD!

{The mother leaves with her children. Felicia also leaves, all while keeping an eye on Chaos. Some time later, Chaos looks absolutely frazzled.}

CHAOS: Service with a smile... Service with a goddamn smile...

{The sides of Chaos's mouth start to twitch, as he starts looking more psychotic than happy. A customer comes to his queue with but one item. Chaos moves it over the scanner but it will not scan.}

CHAOS: Oh no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

CUSTOMER: Huh, must mean it's free.

{Chaos starts laughing hysterically falling over on the floor.}

CUSTOMER: Dude, it wasn't that funny.

{Chaos continues laughing, the repeated joke breaking him}

CHAOS: Eight! EIGHT GODDAMN TIMES!!!!

{The customer is made very uncomfortable, and just leaves $5.00 on the counter and leaves, forgetting the item entirely. The intercom sounds.}

FELICIA: Can Felix Zabat please come to my office? Thank you.

{Cut to the interior of the Rosenberg Association. Leigh is in Jacqueline's office. Sitting next to him is Jules. Jacqueline is sitting at the desk while looking at piece of paper.}

JACQUELINE: I have to say, Leigh. My expectations for you were... not that high, but you have surprised me quite pleasantly. Especially so, for someone who couldn't barely hold a job. You've singlehandedly increased company productivity in the two weeks you've been around.

{Jacqueline looks up at Leigh and half-jokingly makes a remark.}

JACQUELINE: What are you?

LEIGH: I'm a Human. Born in... Michigan.

{Jacqueline scoffs.}

JACQUELINE: Not like that. I mean, how have you done such good work when your history says otherwise?

LEIGH: Well... I haven't been the luckiest man around. Things eventually go wrong and it usually screws me up.

JULES: Yo bruv, don't let that get ya down! I've been fuckin' up my entire life, and I don't even got a job!

JACQUELINE: Right. Anyway, as you are aware, we have the fundraiser for Xavier D'Arque coming up in a couple of days, and I would like you to help us organize it.

{Stephanie walks in. Jacqueline stands up and introduces her.}

JACQUELINE: This is Stephanie Young, Mr. D'Arque's personal assistant. You two are to assist her in its organization.

{Stephanie shakes both Leigh and Jules' hands.}

STEPHANIE: Pleased to meet you both.

LEIGH: And you too!

JULES: Eyy, whazzup, sis!!

{Stephanie looks taken aback.}

STEPHANIE: Not a whole lot, actually.

{Short pause.}

STEPHANIE: Now that we're all formally introduced... I would like to figure out how we're going to handle this fundraiser?

LEIGH: What are Mr. D'Arque's strengths?

{Stephanie strokes her chin.}

STEPHANIE: ...we could focus on the good he's done at San Crystal-balls...

{Jules stifles laughter.}

STEPHANIE: What?

LEIGH: I thought it was San Cristobal.

{Stephanie feigns incredulity.}

STEPHANIE: I had no idea.

{Jules bursts into laughter.}

STEPHANIE: I think I can make this work... we've got an assortment of cuisine coming in from the Drow communities all over...

{Leigh's interest is visibly piqued.}

LEIGH: Ooh! Do you have the menu?!

{Stephanie blinks.}

STEPHANIE: Uh, sure.

LEIGH: You won't regret it!

STEPHANIE: I take it you're one of those Humans with an interest in Drow culture?

{Leigh cocks a brow. He looks around.}

LEIGH: You could say that. It's not unusual to be from Michigan and know some guys outside of Detroit.

{Stephanie's eyelids lower.}

STEPHANIE: You don't say...

{Short pause.}

STEPHANIE: {whispering to Leigh} You know most Elves don't feign being human anymore, right?

{Leigh looks visibly unhappy with Stephanie's inquiry.}

LEIGH: {angrily} Why yes, I am well aware of that. I am also aware that the keyword is most.

STEPHANIE: Message received. I can't get the menu to you right now, but I can email it to you, assuming you have the standard address.

JULES: Yo, send one to me too. I don't have a company address, it's LLCoolJules at Yahoo.

STEPHANIE: Colour me unsurprised. Yeah sure, I'll send you one, too.

{Cut to Felicia, sitting at the table in her office. Behind her is a large painted portrait of her in-uniform. Chaos is sitting in front of her, while she continues to smile.}

FELICIA: I've been hearing a lot of complaints about you, Mr. Zabat.

CHAOS: You... have? It's my first day!

FELICIA: Don't talk back to me. But yes, I have received several reports of insubordination from you already.

{Felicia stands up and walks around her desk before sitting on it, right in front of Chaos.}

FELICIA: Now, look around you. What is the main rule of HappyMart?

{Chaos looks around to see the smiley faces and slogans.}

CHAOS: Service... with a smile?

{Felicia gets close to Chaos' face and yells. He is taken aback by this.}

FELICIA: EXACTLY!!!!!!!

{Felicia moves back and goes back to her default smiling state.}

FELICIA: When you serve the customers, you are to show them your happiest face at all times. Yet all I've seen from you is discontent. Secondly, our cameras spotted you pocketing change.

CHAOS: Are you talking about that dollar? That customer told me to keep the change! It was the least I could do, considering I had to handle her sweaty boob money!

FELICIA: Taking tips is forbidden under HappyMart rules. Your money comes from your salary. This is a first-time offense, however. So you can keep that dollar as a gift. Now, what do you say?

CHAOS: Thank you?

FELICIA: You're welcome.

{Felicia stands up, and paces around the room.}

FELICIA: You see, HappyMart prides itself on delivering great service to its customers with a smile. But in order to do that, we do require compliance. Come, look at this.

{Felicia walks over to the balcony and gestures Chaos to look. She motions over to the floor, where all the employees are uniformly stocking shelves and serving customers in a manner that resembles the Moloch scene from Metropolis. They are all wearing smiles while doing so.}

FELICIA: Each and every one of these workers are pledging their loyalty to HappyMart, and all of them are doing it with a smile. At HappyMart, we don't just help our customers, we help our employees too. The people we hire come from an assortment of backgrounds, such as students, impoverished people, elderly people, disabled people, and even some homeless people.

CHAOS: You mean... all the people who have no choice?

FELICIA: Exactly! We are the good guys! And did you know that HappyMart is the largest-expanding company on Republic Island?

{Chaos steps back.}

CHAOS: Wait. How much am I getting paid here, anyway?

FELICIA: You're being paid the generous wage of $7.50 an hour!

{Zoom in on Chaos' face.}

CHAOS: Are you FUCKING KIDDING ME?!

FELICIA: Why, Mr. Zabat, I do not tolerate that sort of language and insubordination from someone like you!

{Chaos' face reddens to an extreme that Felicia is slightly put off by it, even though her smile does not otherwise waver.}

CHAOS: Oh go fuck yourself. I've spent six hours in this dump, having to deal with the most annoying and horrible people! And... and... you! Odin, you are possibly the worst boss I have ever met. Service with a smile? The customer is always right? YOU GAVE A TWENTY DOLLAR GIFT CERTIFICATE FOR SOMEONE WHO WAS BITCHING OVER TWENTY CENTS! THAT MAKES NO SENSE!

FELICIA: You better watch what you say next, because it will bite you on the behind, mister.

CHAOS: I HAVE ONLY ONE THING TO SAY. I QUIT. I QUIT, I QUIT, I QUIT, I QUIT, I QUIT, I QUIT, I QUIT. BYE, FELICIA!

{Chaos pauses briefly.}

CHAOS: Wait, no. I actually have another thing to say.

{Chaos looks at the intercom system. Cut to the employees and customers on the floor as the intercom sounds while scuffling can be heard.}

CHAOS: YOU ARE ALL A BUNCH OF CUN-

{Cut to Chaos being forcibly escorted out of the store by the security guards, who forcibly throw him out of the front doors.}

CHAOS: YOU FUCKERS ARE KILLING SMALL BUSINESSES ANYWAY!

{Chaos picks himself up and dusts himself off. He notices a flier that is stuck on his shoe. He picks it up and looks at it. It is an advertisement for Xavier D'Arque's fundraiser at the Rosenberg Association, which is being supported by HappyMart.}

CHAOS: Interesting...

{Cut to Garfield and Tracy, who are now alone in Surreal Cereals. Tracy is drinking another cup of coffee while Garfield is still eating cereal.}

TRACY: Y'know man, I don't think it's that healthy to so much cereal at once.

GARFIELD: Nonsense! Pumpkin Spice Chocolate Deluxe is part of nutritionous and balanced breakfast!

{Tracy shrugs.}

TRACY: A'ight. Just warnin' ya, bro.

{Tracy's phone rings. He answers it. Yelling can be heard on the other end of the line. Before he can even say anything, it's hung up.}

TRACY: Yikes, man.

GARFIELD: What's wrong?

TRACY: It's your friend. He quit and then got fired.

GARFIELD: How is that even possible?

TRACY: He apparently called all the customers and employees "a bunch of cun-"

{Cut to Lex, sleeping at his job at the Mattress Warehouse. Chaos walks in through the front doors, waking Lex up.}

CHAOS: Yo, Lex. I quit my job, so I'm gonna chill with you for a-...

{Chaos notices that the store is almost entirely empty.}

CHAOS: Bit?

{Chaos looks at Lex.}

CHAOS: There's nobody here.

LEX: Yeah, mon. It's usually this dead here. It's great.

CHAOS: ...don't you get bored?

LEX: Nah. Though, I will remind you the same thing I've had to remind a few other people. If you want something, you gotta buy it. Company policy an' all that.

{Open to Chaos and Lex in the Mattress Warehouse. Chaos has just finished explaining the details of his HappyMart job with Lex.}

LEX: Sorry you had to deal with that shit, mon.

CHAOS: I'm not sure how anyone puts up with HappyMart's shit.

LEX: People sometimes do desperate things.

{Chaos hears "desperate things" echo, and smiles.}

LEX: If ya want, I could see if I could hook ya' up with a job here.

CHAOS: I have a much better idea. Hold on.

{Chaos pulls the HappyMart flier from out of his pocket which advertised the fundraiser. He slams it onto the counter. Lex picks it up and reads it.}

CHAOS: Let me give you a hint; it starts with "Xavier" and ends with "D'Arque's Senatorial Campaign."

LEX: ...hosted at The Rosenberg Association Ballroom... sponsored by HappyMart... Hm.

CHAOS: This job seems nice and all, but surely you must find it boring.

{Lex puts the flier down.}

LEX: I like boring. Ya get into less trouble that way.

CHAOS: This is better. Don't you miss the excitement? The thrill? The action?

LEX: I do, but- I'd rather ya not get sent back to prison again. It's not even been a month, brudda!

CHAOS: You forget the Eleventh Commandment - "Thou shalt not get caught."

LEX: It was you who forgot it.

{Lex deliberates.}

LEX: Let me sleep on it. I'll see how I feel about this in the morning.

{Chaos looks around the store.}

CHAOS: Such a big and open area, no staff, no customers. We could make this our base of operations!

LEX: Let me think about it.