User:Noxigar/Wikihood4Rewrite

Summary

Ready, Set, Go! is a decent episode concept... let's just see if we can't make it beefier!

Transcript

{Open to Leigh's apartment, at 6:00 AM. He awakens groggily, to the sound of a buzzing alarm clock. He peers at the alarm clock, while peeling his bedsheets off at the same time. He sits upright, with his legs hanging over the edge of the bed. His eyes glance over to his phone, with the camera panning over to it as well. The camera stays on his phone, showing several new texts from Jules. One of them reads, "awesome night, fam!!!!," accompanied by a selfie of the pair looking giddy and inebriated. Cut to a shot of Leigh, grinning widely.}

LEIGH: {chuckles} Look at that! I made a new friend, and got a new job.

{Leigh winces, as he grabs his forehead in pain.}

LEIGH: ...and I made the wise choice to drink the night before my first day. Go me.

{Leigh gets up from his bed, and finally turns off his alarm. He gauges himself.}

LEIGH: Don't need to puke, that's good. Still need to shower, that's... definitely necessary.

{Leigh sighs. He goes into his bathroom. Zoom out to show the limited scope of Leigh's apartment - it is a one-bedroom, one-bathroom office in the back of a wigmaker's shoppe. The bed Leigh was sleeping on had looked to be touched up, with a new mattress. Cut to an above shot of the wigmaker's shoppe. The "WIKIHOOD" logo appears, and the camera pans to the front of the apartment which belongs to Chaos, Lex, and Garfield. All three are in the kitchen; Lex and Garfield are already sitting down and consuming their respective breakfasts, while Chaos is making himself some chicken. After a while, Garfield leaves the kitchen.}

LEX: Are ya singin'? While makin' chicken for breakfast?

CHAOS: Yeah. What's it to ya?

LEX: Oh, it's nothin' Just noticin'.

{Garfield comes back, holding a newspaper. He sits back down where he originally was, and begins reading from it.}

GARFIELD: Say, did you guys hear about the old theatre from across the road? It's apparently scheduled for a re-opening.

LEX: That's the D'Arque Theatre, isn't it? How old is it, now?

GARFIELD: Legend has it that thing's as old as the founding of Towningdale itself. It's been, what, forty or so years since it was originally shut down?

{Chaos rolls his eyes.}

CHAOS: No doubt that's a firm load of hogwash.

{Garfield motions over to the couch, and begins flipping through channels. He leaves it on the news. Chaos and Lex are distracted by the telltale sound of the postman haphazardly shoving letters through the mail slot.}

LEX: Oh!! It’s the mail! D’ya think my American comic books have arrived? I’ll get it!

{Lex rushes off to collect the mail. A variety of suspicious crashing and clanging noises are heard before he walks back, letters in his hand, looking more sullen than he did a few seconds before.}

LEX: Argh, Whore of Babylon! The bastard bent it!

GARFIELD: Oh no. What would we do without the newest issue of “Nazis vs. Alien Space Babes”?

LEX: Ey, mon. You shut your mouth! Jeff Lao’s work is brilliant. And it was in mint condition, too…

{As the two of them bicker, Chaos sorts through the rest of the mail.}

CHAOS: I thought you said we didn't get utility bills.

GARFIELD: We… don’t. Do we?

LEX: Uhh...

{Lex thinks back to the past. Scenes of him cutting up letters, stuffing them in the garbage disposal, and other acts of wanton destruction of government mail flash through his mind.}

LEX: No, I don’t think so.

{Chaos frowns at his housemates. He examines what Garfield has left it on, and is visibly dismayed to find that it is on the news. The reporter, a Middle-Eastern woman in her mid-30s, is reporting on an event in a sunny coastal city.}

REPORTER: I am Sarah Khoroushi of TDTV, and we are currently live in Downtown San Cristobal where former District Attorney, Xavier D'Arque, is rumored to announce his campaign to run for Republic Island's Senate seat in Washington.

{Chaos looks at the television screen.}

CHAOS: Ugh, politics. Turn it off.

{Lex is about to pick up the remote, before Garfield rushes in and snatches it.}

GARFIELD: No, don't change it! This is actually really interesting! This town was founded by one of D'Arque's ancestors!

CHAOS: And this means we have to watch this?

GARFIELD: Shh! I think he's coming!

{On the television screen, a gentleman steps onto the stage, prompting masses of screaming and cheering by his adoring fans. He is tall, physically fit, and notably Hollywood-handsome, with a well-chiseled jaw, golden-blonde hair, pearly-white teeth, and a radiating smile. Next to him is a young Asian woman, holding a clipboard.}

GARFIELD: Is that... Stephanie?!

CHAOS: Who?

GARFIELD: One of my college buddies, whom I've contacted recently. {smirks} It appears she's done well for herself.

{Shift back to the television. Stephanie hands the man her clipboard and he shakes her hand, before standing at the podium.}

REPORTER KHOROUSHI: This is it, folks. This is the definitive moment. Xavier D'Arque is about to make his speech.

{The man clears his throat before flashing a beautiful smile to his fans.}

XAVIER: Ho boy, we're really about to do this, huh folks? Lemme say, before I make the big announcement, I just want to thank my beautiful wife and my beautiful children.

{Xavier turns behind and motions his family to come on-stage with him. His wife appears with two young children, one boy and one girl, both around eleven and thirteen years old, respectively. The crowd acknowledges them with an "Awwww."}

XAVIER: My beautiful wife, Melinda D'Arque... we have been married for thirteen years, and every day since then has been an adventure.

{Cut back to the three watching this. Garfield has joined Lex in sitting on Chaos' body.}

CHAOS: You know when you instantly hate a guy for looking too perfect, because it's obvious he's making shit up?

LEX: Shhh.

{Chaos groans. Cut back to the announcement.}

XAVIER: Today is a special day. Not just for me, not just for my family, but for us. We did this. I ask you-, no. I beg you all to join me on my journey, as I officially announce that I shall be running in the election to become Republic Island's newest Senator. With your support, I have no doubt that we can do this. I aim to win this competition, and when I do, I will be your Senator. You will all be my boss, and we shall make a new mark on Washington. With your support, we will win this, and when we do, well... I don't know...

{Xavier turns to his wife, then back into the podium.}

XAVIER: Let's just say that my ambitions don't just stop at the Senate!

{Xavier laughs. Everybody in the crowd laughs along with him.}

XAVIER: Don't get me wrong, there's still some time until then! But yeah, whew, we are going to make this happen, my friends.

{Xavier flashes a peace sign at the cheering audience before giving his wife a kiss on the cheek and escorting them behind stage, with Stephanie following him. Reporter Khoroushi appears back on-camera.}

REPORTER KHOROUSHI: There you have it, folks. Xavier D'Arque has now officially entered the race for Senate, to a cheering crowd of hundreds. Notable for being a member of the prestigious D'Arque family, Xavier D'Arque is a direct descendent of Townindale's very own Donovan D'Arque, who helped establish the town in 1789, and was even responsible for the construction of Townindale's Gauzy Girl Theatre in-

{The television shuts off, as Chaos managed to grab the remote from Garfield.}

CHAOS: What a load of bullshit. I could actually smell the lies from the television screen. Who does this douche think he is? Some bougie "fortunate son" thinking he has the right to come in and run for public office?

LEX: Every citizen has the right to run for public office, Felix. It's in the-

CHAOS: Yeah, yeah, I know, but... still. That wholesome persona is such a facade.

GARFIELD: Regardless, it's a welcome change, from what we got with our current President Kardashian.

{Garfield sneers.}

CHAOS: I can almost guarantee that D'Arque guy has some weird shit going on behind the scenes.

LEX: Y'know he's helped San Cristobal out with its gang problems, right? An' he's an army veteran!

GARFIELD: It doesn't even matter if the guy's operating under a persona. The alternative Senatorial Candidates for Towningdale are all shit, especially by comparison. He's under the Democrat ticket, which is acceptable for me.

CHAOS: Pf-ft. Whatever. Politics can suck a fat one, anyway. You know what's more important than politics?

{Cut to Leigh on his first day at the job. He enters the ominously evil building, to be immediately greeted by Jacqueline Rosenberg at the ground floor.}

JACQUELINE: Greetings, Mr. More. I see you're here right on time. I'm almost impressed.

LEIGH: Haha, of course! Nothing's gonna stop me from doing this job, Mrs. Rosenberg!

JACQUELINE: It's "Miss," thank you very much.

LEIGH: I'm sorry, Miss Rosenberg, I j-just assumed-...

JACQUELINE: Well, don't. Assumption is the mother of all mistakes.

{Jacqueline's face contorts into an obviously-fake smile.}

JACQUELINE: Anyway, shall I show you to your office?

LEIGH: Yes, please!

{Jacqueline leads Leigh to the elevator. As the doors are beginning to close, Jules can be seen, attempting to catch it before it's too late. He is too late. Leigh is about to press the button on the panel to open the doors, but Jacqueline instinctively moves his hand away.}

JACQUELINE: First lesson, Mr. More. You cannot do things for other people. If they cannot help themselves, it is their responsibility, and not yours. My nephew can wait for the next elevator.

{Jacqueline presses the button for floor thirteen. As the elevator moves upward, there is an awkward silence. Leigh tries to break the silence.}

LEIGH: Gee, haha. Remember when elevators had music? That was wacky, huh?

{Jacqueline does not answer. She does not even acknowledge what Leigh said. Finally, the elevator lands at its destination and the doors open, revealing a large and soul-suckingly depressing room with individual cubicles.}

JACQUELINE: Follow me, please.

{Jacqueline leads Leigh to a cubicle at the far end of the room, next to a window. On the opposite side of the cubicle, a large Orc of 7'2 is seated at his computer. His large size dwarves the environment around him. Jacqueline points to an empty chair at a computer.}

JACQUELINE: This is where you shall be working, and this... man here is one of your coworkers. If you have any inquiries, please do hesitate to contact me.

LEIGH: What did you say?

JACQUELINE: I said, please don't hesitate to contact me.

{Jacqueline's fake smile fades as she walks away, leaving Leigh alone with his new coworker. The Orcish man turns his chair around to face Leigh, who is immediately intimidated by his large size. The Orc flashes a toothy smile and puts out his hand for Leigh to shake. Leigh reluctantly puts his hand forward, expecting it to be crushed. To his surprise, it is delicately shaken. The Orc begins to speak, revealing himself to have a thick Scottish accent.}

ORC: Anither non-human, finally!

LEIGH: Y-you have me mistaken, I-I'm human, I-

ORC: Me name's Gronuruwd Gorehammer, be ye' can call me Gordon! Y'know how refreshin' it is t'see another non-human arund 'ere? I like this job, but the facilities are a bit too wee, y'know? What's ya name?

LEIGH: My name's Leigh More, and I-

GORDON: Claymore, y'say? That's a badass Drow name if I ever 'eard one. Y'know what? I think we're gonna get along swimmingly. Ya new in town?

LEIGH: Well, I originally come from-

GORDON: I come from Glasgow, me'self. Well, wee little town in th' greater part, called Bishopbriggs. Y'heard of it? Ya, me and me' folks were th'only non-'umans. Needless t'say, I was picked first in every sport, regardless of whether or not I was actually good at them, y'know? Any similar experiences?

LEIGH: I get a lot of people mistakening my species, it's rather frustrating how-

GORDON: Aye, it's a frustratin' experience. Most humans mean well, but ye' can't 'elp but think they see ye as the other. And bein' an Orc in a human society, all me' cuzzins' used t'jokingly call me "Gronuruwd the Human Boy." Just because I dinnae live in a hut, y'know? Ah. But don't ye' worry y'some, I understand ye. This was a good conversation, aye?

LEIGH: Uh...

GORDON: But I gottae get back t'work. You know what t'do, eh?

{Cut back to Chaos, Garfield, and Lex. Chaos is reading through a letter, looking upset.}

CHAOS: You guys do know what to do about this, right? It says if we don't pay, they're going to shut off our power.

{Lex gives a look of disbelief, in response to Chaos' words.}

LEX: Says who?

CHAOS: Town Hall. Wait, we have one of those?

GARFIELD: Yes. It's in the centre of the Historic District, among the tallest of buildings within. It's got a gigantic clock on it.

CHAOS: How's that not the Clock Museum?

LEX: You're thinking of Rivergate.

{Chaos checks the amount of money in his wallet.}

CHAOS: Shit, I've only got $20.00. Do you think that'll be enough to cover it?

{Garfield facepalms.}

GARFIELD: Y'know, I could probably pay for it with my Point Card-

CHAOS: I came to this town to make money, not spend it! We ought to fight this!

{Garfield and Lex both have facial expressions indicating that they're firmly against fighting Town Hall.}

CHAOS: You two get your minds out of the gutter! I just wanna talk to whoever’s in charge, that’s all!

{Chaos stands up from his chair and walks over to the main hallway.}

LEX: What are you doing?

CHAOS: Why, my fellow, time is of the essence! I’m going to march all the way over to Town Hall right now, and give them a good old beating off!

GARFIELD: Did you just say-

CHAOS: I’m going to go over there and get us justice. I’m going to take them from behind, and give them a reach around. Just watch me.

{Lex coughs violently.}

GARFIELD: Uh...

CHAOS: What? Was it something I said? Y'know what? Nevermind. While you two vegetate, I’ll be putting ourselves in the clear.

{Chaos walks over to the coat rack and puts on a tweed jacket.}

CHAOS: You two just do whatever. I’ll sort this all out.

{Chaos pulls a pipe from his pocket and sticks it in his mouth.}

CHAOS: And I’ll do it with style.

{Chaos opens the door, leaves, and then slams it behind him. Garfield and Lex look at each other, confusedly.}

GARFIELD: Where did you find this guy?

LEX: Oh, we go back, mon. I gave him a lift in my camper van after he dropped out of magic school and we kinda became best friends. That, and I also helped him in his heists.

GARFIELD: Were you always a criminal?

LEX: Nah, mon. It was just his idea of a "fun time."

{Garfield snickers.}

GARFIELD: "Fun," huh? If only Chaos knew of my Bounty...

{Garfield takes out a pocketwatch, and checks the time.}

GARFIELD: I should probably get going. If I take care of this little science project NoxCorp has me in for, I might be back in time for some LARPing.

{Garfield opens the door, leaves, and gently closes the door behind him. Cut to Leigh, who is taking a phone call.}

LEIGH: Okay, so if I am getting this right, you would like the Rosenberg Association to support your candidate's campaign by allowing the use of the event room for a rally, correct?

{Mumbling on the other side of the phone as Leigh hums in approval.}

LEIGH: Mmmhmm, okay, mmhmm. Okay, I just need to send a memo to the CEO... So he's announcing it today, huh?

{Leigh types on the keyboard a few times and clicks the mouse. More mumbling on the end of the line.}

LEIGH: An endorsement? Oh my, I um, you might need to ask her directly.

{Continued mumbling.}

LEIGH: Oh, okay. I can definitely do that. What's your name, again?

{Short mumbling.}

LEIGH: Stephanie? Alright. I've got it, and it's about to be sent. Do you want me to include your contact details?

{Mumble.}

LEIGH: Oh, okay. That makes sense. Alright, it's sent. Anything else?

{One final mumble.}

LEIGH: Great! Alright, and you have a good day too.

{Leigh puts the phone down. He shuts his eyes for a moment and exhales in relief}

LEIGH: There is no script for when I have to TAKE a call...

{He opens his eyes only to find Gordon, who has rolled his chair right next to him and was in his face the entire time. He is freaked out and screams.}

LEIGH: WHOA. Hey there, Gordon.

GORDON: How was it? That sounded like an important 'un!

LEIGH: Oh, haha, yeah. Some politician wants to use this building to host a campaign rally.

GORDON: Ay, that sounds excitin'! First day on th'job, and ye already did somethin' cool!

{Leigh laughs awkwardly as he scratches his head.}

LEIGH: Y-yeah, haha.

{Suddenly, Leigh has been flanked as Jules appears on his other side, wearing sunglasses.}

LEIGH: Oh, Jules! What are you doi-

JULES: Shh. You're still on the clock.

{Five seconds of silence. Suddenly, a beeping sound.}'

JULES: AND NOW IT'S TIIIME TO CLOCK OUT, AND TIME TO HIT THE BAR WITH YOUR BUDDY, JULES!

LEIGH: I was... actually hoping to go home and take a nap...

JULES: Pfft, a nap? What is this, pre-school? Legends never sleep!

GORDON: Ey, aren't ye' the boss's nephew?

JULES: Why, yes I am! Aren't you that wrestler?

GORDON: No?

JULES: ...Oh. Wanna go drinking with us?

LEIGH: Hey, I didn't agree to-

GORDON: Oi, y'betcha! The San Cristobal Conquistadors are playing a game against the Giants!

JULES: Oh shit, no way? Won't this be Theros Torcan's first proper game since his comeback, too?

GORDON: Ye!

JULES: Fuck yes, we are DOING THIS.

LEIGH: Um, go sports team?

{Gordon and Jules grab Leigh by one arm each, and drag him offscreen. Cut to an office far away. Stephanie and D'Arque, previously seen elsewhere, are the only people present within.}

XAVIER: Anything else?

STEPHANIE: Jacqueline Rosenberg got back to us.

XAVIER: Go on...

STEPHANIE: She wants to know how the hell you got the number to the telemarketing department, her words.

XAVIER: Yes, and how did you explain it to her?

STEPHANIE: Pressed buttons until someone answered, of course. We've got the room - Endorsement "To Be Determined At A Later Price".

XAVIER: Excellent!

{Xavier begins laughing maniacally as the camera zooms on his face and the lighting dims, smash cut to the same shot as before as he stops laughing. Cut to Chaos, making his way down the Main Street, casually walking along until he collides with somebody. He regains his composure and addresses the stranger.}

???: Whoa, watch it, dude!

CHAOS: Oh, shit man, I didn’t mean to-

{Chaos looks down to see that the man he almost tripped over is young and unkempt, in a neon yellow jacket and a green tiger print beanie hat, sitting on the pavement, and clutching a bowl with a few coins in it. Next to him a small beatbox, playing a hypnotic-sounding dubstep song. He is a beggar. He awkwardly looks at the beggar for a few seconds before getting a sudden and startling feeling of good will.}

CHAOS: ...I am dreadfully sorry, sir. Please, accept this money as an apology!

{Chaos pulls a $20.00 bill from his pocket and puts it into the bowl.}

BEGGAR: Thanks, hombre.

{Chaos shakes the man’s hand as he walks away. When Chaos is gone, the man stands up and pulls out a bigger bowl, filled with more cash, putting the contents of the smaller bowl inside. He snickers to himself as he dusts off. He then stands up and walks away, whistling a happy tune. Cut to Chaos, in Town Square. At the end of Town Square is Town Hall, a somewhat large building from the early 1800s, built in an Early Federal style. On the top front of the building is a gigantic clock, with a bell on top. On the roof is a flagpole, which is flying the American flag. Chaos gazes at the top of the marble staircase, his eyes burning with the embers of passion and rage. Clutching the bill in his hand, he marches onwards, bursting through the doors with a vigor like no other.}

CHAOS: EXCUSE ME, I HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY TO YOU PEOPLE AT TOWN HA-...

{Chaos notices the receptionist, who is a young and attractive woman with blonde hair with pink streaks. He is immediately smitten by her as his face becomes flushed. His foot catches on a piece of loose carpet and he trips over. The receptionist stands up, and rushes to his side.}

RECEPTIONIST: Oh dear, are you alright?

{Chaos looks picks himself off and brushes himself off. He backs away from the receptionist before attempting to regain his composure.}

CHAOS: Haha, yeah, I'm fine, I just- Hey. I want to talk to the guy who's in charge here!

RECEPTIONIST: You mean the Mayor?

CHAOS: Yeah, that guy.

RECEPTIONIST: Do you have an appointment?

CHAOS: A- what-what?

RECEPTIONIST: An appointment?

CHAOS: Ohh. One of those things. Shit.

{Chaos looks at the receptionist and furrows his brow, in an attempt to look sexy. He clears his throat and leans on a nearby pillar.}

CHAOS: I don't suppose you could give me... an exception?

{The receptionist looks Chaos up and down.}

RECEPTIONIST: I can make a special exception for you.

{The two lock eyes as Chaos and the receptionist walk towards each other in a sensual manner. The two stare deeply at each other as Chaos leans close towards her and she reciprocates. Romantic music begins to play as Chaos puts his arms around her waist and the two are about to kiss. Suddenly the music stops, and the last few moments are revealed to be part of Chaos' imagination, as he is standing flushed after she asked him if she had an appointment.}

RECEPTIONIST: So? Do you have an appointment?

CHAOS: I-I-I don't, but...

{The receptionist looks on her computer. She smiles at Chaos.}

RECEPTIONIST: It appears that he's free right now, actually! Would you like to see him now?

{Chaos regains his composure again.}

CHAOS: Oh my gods, yes, please! Thank you so much!

'{The receptionist motions to the nearby staircase.}

RECEPTIONIST: His office is at the end of the hallway, you can't miss it. I sent him a message to alert him of your presence.

CHAOS: Thank you...

{Chaos walks towards the receptionist to read her nametag.}

CHAOS: ...Noelle.

{He quickly backs away once more, before looking at his surroundings.}

CHAOS: ...I really like what you guys have done with the place.

{Chaos awkwardly salutes Noelle who chuckles before making his way upstairs. The hallway is silent save for his stomps and the distant sound of crowds downstairs. Chaos stops at the end of the hall. Inches from his face, "MAYOR" is emblazoned on the door. Chaos inhales. Slowly, he turns the door handle. An ominous, oppressive air escapes through the crack and whips across his face like tendrils from an ancient, unseen evil. A bead of sweat drips down Chaos' neck. Cut to a high-tech laboratory. Garfield is casually analyzing DNA samples on a computer. Behind him is a scene of carnage, as scientists are engaged in battle against a horde of giant Venus Flytraps which are hellbent on devouring them.}

GARFIELD: This is why you shouldn't have let them out of the cage, Jerry!

{The scientist (with a nametag reading "Jerry") responds to Garfield.}

JERRY: How was I supposed to know that they had developed a taste for human flesh?

GARFIELD: Have you never seen Little Shop of Horrors?

JERRY: They're aliens, Garfield!

GARFIELD: It's the same principle!

{Garfield sighs.}

GARFIELD: Hold on, I can do this. Just give me a second!

{Garfield pours some colored vials of liquid into a machine while he types on the computer. After a couple of seconds, the machine makes a "ding" sound, and it pours out a glowing green liquid into a cup. Garfield transfers the green liquid into an aerosol spray and puts goggles on. He strolls over to a scene of a plant in the middle of devouring a scientist and sprays it with the formula. The plant freezes and spits the scientist out, who emerges alive and well. He sprays the formula all around the laboratory, prompting the plants to cease their attacks on the scientists and become docile. He then gently leads the plants back into their cages and goes back to his computer.}