Wikihood/eps/5

Transcript

{The scene opens up in Garfield's room of The Apartment. He arrives into it, from a door he opened.}

GARFIELD: Yare yare dawa.

{Garfield collapses on his bed, planting his face into a pillow. His phone begins glowing nearby, which he hears. Groaning briefly, he checks it.}

GARFIELD: ...hrm?

{Garfield proceeds to put his fingers on the phone, as if to text.}

GARFIELD: Well, it would seem one of my companions from long ago, Stephanie Young, has decided to arrive in good ol' Towningdale.

LEX: {offscreen} It's Townindale, mon!

GARFIELD: ...Very well.

{Garfield gets up. He goes over and sprays a perfume with the mathematical symbol for Aleph as its logo on himself. He then briefly changes clothes to a magenta suit and a dark blue tie. He puts on a Dr. Seuss hat, and proceeds to depart from his room into the "living room," where he is spotted by Chaos.}

CHAOS: Just where do you think you're going, looking like that?

GARFIELD: An outing.

CHAOS: You look fruity.

GARFIELD: I presumed it was in-style.

CHAOS: ...whatever.

{Chaos facepalms.}

CHAOS: {muffled} I really don't want to know what outing you're going on.

{Garfield fiddles with his phone and plays Chun Li by Nicki Minaj on his way out. Zoom out to reveal that Garfield is travelling to a nearby towne, known as Bluehaven. There's also a "?" icon heading towards the same town. Zoom out to reveal that Garfield and Stephanie are sitting at a table.}

GARFIELD: Well, Stephanie, I made it...

STEPHANIE: Despite my directions?

GARFIELD: No, I needed them.

STEPHANIE: How've you been?

GARFIELD: Long story short, one of Lex's old time buddies got out of prison and sometimes gives me a headache.

STEPHANIE: He isn't too keen on just living things out in an apartment so you can still be friends with Volkov, is he?

{Garfield shakes his head and shrugs.}

GARFIELD: I don't actually know. Lex himself has an odd life outside of the apartment, truth be told. I can't read him at times.

{Cut to Lex's job at the mattress store. Garfield arrives with sub sandwiches.}

GARFIELD: Lex, I figured you might've been famished, so I-

{Garfield blinks and looks around to find that the lot is empty.}

LEX: Eyyy, whazzup mon. It's been a slow day, today.

GARFIELD: Lex, there's nobody here.

LEX: Those are the best days, my friend.

GARFIELD: Don't you get bored? Don't you have any coworkers? Or... a manager? Or anybody?

LEX: Hmm.

{Lex closes his eyes, and shrugs.}

LEX: All I know is that I come here for my eight hours and I get my paycheck in the mail. And honestly? That's good enough for me.

GARFIELD: I don't suppose I call dibs on all these mattresses? Maybe we can sell what we can't store in the garage...

LEX: You want them, you buy them.

{Cut back to Stephanie and Garfield.}

GARFIELD: I thought he got conned, at first, but nah. It's a weird job. Speaking of cons, though, there was that time I had a "date" with this guy who sold me some fake enhancement pills.

STEPHANIE: Some date that must've been, eh?

{Stephanie lets out an awkward laugh.}

GARFIELD: I can assure you that I was nothing but a gentleman towards them.

{Cut to the studio of "DataPatriots." A large, angry, and red-faced man is sitting at a desk, loudly ranting a live television camera while holding a vial of pills.}

ANGRY CONSPIRACY PUNDIT: I'M TELLIN' YOU FOLKS, THE GLOBALISTS DON'T WANT YOU TO BE TAKING THESE PILLS! THESE PILLS WILL STOP THE SHADOW ORGANIZATIONS FROM READING YOUR THOUGHTS AND STEALING YOUR IDEAS! THIS IS AMERICA, PEOPLE!! WAKE UP! THE GOVERNMENT WANTS TO CONTROL YOUR MIND, READ YOUR THOUGHTS, AND ENSLAVE YOU, AND ONLY THESE PILLS CAN SAVE YOU!! THE NEW WORLD ORDER IS COMING, PEOPLE!!!!

{Garfield bursts in, wielding ties around his wrists and two makeshift pistols. His eyes glow red as soon as he recognizes the pundit.}

GARFIELD: You phony! You sold fake pills to customers who died as a result of having them. Now, you get to meet my current friends:

{Garfield lifts his left pistol and shoots the ceiling with one of the guns.}

GARFIELD: Maxamillion...

ANGRY CONSPIRACY PUNDIT: THEY'RE COMING TO GET ME!!!

{The man runs offscreen. Garfield looks into the camera.}

GARFIELD: ...and Roxanne.

{Garfield shoots the camera with the other gun. Cut back to Stephanie and Garfield. Stephanie's face looks a little more pale.}

STEPHANIE: ...that might explain why your bounty went up.

GARFIELD: ...bounty?

{Stephanie pulls out her phone and types something on the screen. On the screen is an online website which has a picture of Garfield on the front page.}

STEPHANIE: You can't keep calling these "selfies." Eventually, the government is going to think of you as more than just a nuisance.

{Stephanie sighs.}

GARFIELD: I value your concern for my well-being.

STEPHANIE: It's not unusual to think that maybe things could've turned out... differently for you.

GARFIELD: You're one of the few people that knows the real me.

{Stephanie looks saddened.}

STEPHANIE: Has Tracy been well?

GARFIELD: Some pompous jerks decided to make fun of his cereal cafe idea.

{Cut to Garfield, outside. He notices several "gangster"-looking individuals mocking Tracy openly, with other staff not doing anything. Upon seeing Tracy get beat up by the people mocking him, Garfield's eyes glow red and he promptly heads toward a red motorcycle and plucks the tires off of it, and then enters Surreal Cereals.}

GARFIELD: Is there something I can help you with, distinguished guests?

{The gangsters turn to Garfield. One of them, wielding a Skull Masque, laughs.}

SKULL MASQUE: Get a load of this friggin' Sperg honkey. {mocking Garfield's voice} "Distinguished guests."

{The other gangsters begin laughing, though they recognize the motorcycle tires as being hijacked from the Skull Masque and slowly back away.}

TRACY: No no no please don't make a scene please don't make a scene.

RONALD: Bro, he just trashed your ride.

{Garfield begins pummeling Skull Masque with the motorcycle tires, treating them as chakram. The other gangsters try jumping Garfield, and the frame changes to outside Surreal Cereals, with sounds of screaming reaching outside as several police cars arrive towards it.}

GARFIELD: {offscreen} Needless to say, no gang will be opposing Surreal Cereals ever again.

{Cut back to Garfield and Stephanie, again. Garfield stops talking, so he can sip some tea.}

STEPHANIE: Well, then.

{Stephanie blinks.}

STEPHANIE: {thinking} Maybe I do need to talk to D'Arque, and fast.

{She coughs.}

STEPHANIE: I take it things have been mellow since?

{Garfield nods, still sipping tea. Zoom out to reveal he is also in heavy shade.}

STEPHANIE: I'm pleased to hear that. You know, it's been an awfully long time since we last interacted.

{Garfield stops sipping tea. Nodding, he takes out a purple heart.}

GARFIELD: I made this Katawa Heart for you.

STEPHANIE: Katawa Heart?

GARFIELD: An idea given to me.

{Stephanie examines the Katawa Heart.}

STEPHANIE: This is... actually pretty neat.

{Garfield smiles.}

GARFIELD: Glad you think so. It took me months, even years, to craft.

{Cut to Garfield and Volkov at the office, in a greyed setting.}

VOLKOV: You wish to have apartment here?

GARFIELD: 'Tis all I can presently ask, milord.

VOLKOV: Can be arranged.

{Volkov takes out some papers. There's a line and some red ink.}

VOLKOV: Sign here.

{Garfield signs the papers.}

VOLKOV: Is Wiggins really your surname?

{The frames change, as if they were comic book pages. A few months later, Lex arrives.}

LEX: Hey, thanks for answering that online ad of mine!

{Zoom out to reveal Garfield on a computer, inspecting something.}

LEX: ...Garf?

{Garfield turns around. His mood brightens.}

GARFIELD: Lex! Jolly good to see you, dear chap!

LEX: Mon, you must have the wrong Lex.

{Garfield looks him up and down.}

GARFIELD: You're the right Lex.

{Lex tilts his head confusingly.}

LEX: What?

GARFIELD: I will explain later.

{More time passes. Lex and Garfield have a setup going.}

LEX: So you mean to tell me you collect things whilst also at NoxCorp?

GARFIELD: More or less. My Dragon boss...

LEX: Your boss is a Dragon?

GARFIELD: Yes.

LEX: Colour me surprised, mon.

GARFIELD: My Dragon boss suggested I have my own treasure hoard. It's how they keep themselves from being bored.

LEX: Now, you're sure that's not just a deflection of stereotype or nothin'?

{Garfield shakes his head.}

GARFIELD: Nay, my dear Dawson.

LEX: That's not my surname.

{Garfield facepalms.}

GARFIELD: Force of habit, Lex. My apologies. A N Y W A Y...

{Garfield shows a purple item.}

GARFIELD: Once I've collected enough Gems, Dragon Statues, Butterflies, Talismans, Orbs, Spirit Gates, and Kinder Eggs... I may be able to process their energies and make a Katawa Heart.

{Cut back to present time, with Stephanie and Garfield.}

STEPHANIE: You remembered me, after all this time?

GARFIELD: Fucks yeah. Why-

{Stephanie gets up and tightly hugs him. He pauses for a moment, but reciprocates.}

STEPHANIE: Oh my God, you have no idea what's gone on on my end.

GARFIELD: I don't.

STEPHANIE: ...where do I start?

GARFIELD: Logically, from the beginning.

STEPHANIE: Well...

{Cut to Stephanie at a luxury penthouse suite in San Cristobal. A caption appears, reading "One Week Earlier." In the background, "The Reflex" by Duran Duran is playing. Stephanie looks aggravated as she's angrily knocking on the door of the master bedroom. From inside of the bedroom, you can hear giggles from an assortment of women.}

STEPHANIE: Mr. D'Arque! MR. D'ARQUE. YOU ARE GOING TO BE LATE FOR YOUR MEETING WITH THE MAYOR!

{No response. Stephanie knocks even harder.}

STEPHANIE: You don't want to keep him waiting! You need his support!

{Xavier D'Arque finally responds from the other side.}

XAVIER: Ugh, you always ruin the fun! Fine! Time for you all to go, ladies.

{Stephanie rolls her eyes. The door open as four young women, barely eighteen years old and scantily clad, run out while giggling and snickering.}

XAVIER: Hand the girls their money, won't ya? It's for their college fund!

STEPHANIE: Yes, sir.

{Stephanie pulls out a checkbook from her pocket and proceeds to write four checks before handing them to each of the young women. Xavier emerges from the bedroom, dressed in a purple bathrobe. He waves the women goodbye as he practically shoves them out of the suite.}

XAVIER: Phew. Is it me, or are high schoolers getting younger?

STEPHANIE: No, you're just getting older.

XAVIER: Well, you know what they say. If you can still use it, you can still abuse it!

{Xavier motions to his crotch. Stephanie looks away.}

STEPHANIE: Just get dressed quickly. You're expected there in thirty minutes.

XAVIER: Alright, alright.

{Xavier disrobes completely, revealing nothing underneath. His most intimate parts are covered up by parts of the foreground scenery as the camera follows him around the suite.}

XAVIER: Aren't you excited, Penelope?

STEPHANIE: It's Stephanie.

XAVIER: What's what I said! Aren't you excited? In just a week's time, I'm gonna be launching my bid for Senate, and all eyes will be on me! Isn't it invigorating to be in the presence of someone who is destined for such greatness?

STEPHANIE: It's simply wonderful, sir.

{Xavier picks up a pair of trousers and puts them on, not bothering with underwear.}

XAVIER: Damn fucking right, it is. Xavier D'Arque, Republic Island Senator. Just imagine that. Fuck, no, let's go even further. Xavier D'Arque. President of the United States.

STEPHANIE: Aren't you shooting a little too high to be thinking of a Presidential bid this early?

XAVIER: No such thing as too high, babe.

{Xavier sprays himself with cologne all over his body.}

XAVIER: Say, how old are you again?

STEPHANIE: I'm 24.

XAVIER: And are you married yet? Hell, are you even seeing anybody? I don't think I've ever seen you with a man.

STEPHANIE: ...no? But I don't know how this is relevant to-

{Xavier grabs a shirt and tie from his closet and puts them on.}

XAVIER: Jesus H. Christ, you need to get hitched soon! You ain't gettin' any younger, babe. Your biological clock is a ticking time bomb. You gotta get yourself a guy and have children while you still can. You know, if I weren't your boss, I would almost consider break my nineteen-and-under rule. But you know, that would be unprofessional. Plus, I respect you too much.

STEPHANIE: Gee. I am humbled.

XAVIER: Hey, I know plenty of good and rich men who would love a girl like you. You're a little too smart for them, but I think if you kept your mouth shut, you'd be alright. Oh yeah, speaking of all this shit; call my wife and kids. I want them to appear at the announcement ceremony next week. I gotta make a good image for the cameras.

{After putting his shoes and socks on, Xavier is finally dressed. He looks outside of the window, overlooking the entirety of Downtown San Cristobal.}

XAVIER: In just eight months, all of this is gonna be mine. You're witnessing history in the making, Penelope.

STEPHANIE: Stephanie.

XAVIER: That's what I said. The D'Arque's used to rule everything here, and when I'm finished, they'll be back on top. You are a very lucky woman. Now come on, let's see the Mayor. We can't let that fat bastard wait too long.

{Stephanie sighs.}

STEPHANIE: Right, sir.

{Cut back to the present.}

GARFIELD: No way. What a scumbag.

{Garfield stands up and cracks his knuckles. His eyes begin glowing red.}

GARFIELD: I'll kick his ass so hard, his entire family line will feel it!

{Stephanie grabs his arm.}

STEPHANIE: No! Do you know how much this job is worth? Please don't blow it!

GARFIELD: But the man is a complete asshole! He treats women like dirt, and doesn't even try to remember your name!

STEPHANIE: Yeah, I know. But believe it or not, he pays very generously.

{Garfield sighs. His eyes slowly return to normal.}

GARFIELD: Alright, if you're sure. It's funny, really. Chaos said from the get-go that he didn't like him. I didn't even think to consider that he was that bad, though.

STEPHANIE: He has his good moments. He donates to charity, at least?

{Short pause.}

GARFIELD: I still want to kick his ass. For now, though, I can see how it presents a conflict of interest.

{Stephanie still maintains her grip on his arm.}

STEPHANIE: You have got to promise me you won't blow this.

{Garfield thinks for a moment.}

GARFIELD: I solemnly swear an Oath of Fealty to you. On my word, nothing I do shall get in your way.

{Stephanie cocks a brow.}

STEPHANIE: I... see.

{Stephanie somehow can read Garfield's emotions more readily, much to her shock. She ceases to grip his arm.}

STEPHANIE: Well, if you won't get in my way, that's fine. I doubt anything will come headed your way.

{Garfield nods.}

GARFIELD: I'm a bit of a recluse when not at work. So long as you are unharmed, I intend to keep it that way.

{Time passes by. They finish their lunches. Stephanie gets up.}

STEPHANIE: I've got to jet.

GARFIELD: Ditto.

{Garfield gets up again, then takes out a Point Card.}

GARFIELD: It's probably a good thing I saved up money. Whatever I spend will go into this.

{He takes out a pen and does some math.}

GARFIELD: ...carry the two...

{He signs it.}

STEPHANIE: Dude, you don't have to pay for the whole thing!

GARFIELD: {confusedly} Why not? I got several bulk itemmes, and a red wine bottle for later.

{Garfield sends his Point Card with the sheet of paper he wrote for tip.}

STEPHANIE: ...how much did you tip, anyway?

GARFIELD: 80%.

STEPHANIE: That's way too much!

GARFIELD: I found some extra quarters in the couch, I figured I'd go all in with them.

{Stephanie sighs.}

STEPHANIE: I suppose that's that, then?

{Garfield nods.}

GARFIELD: Yep.

{The screen splits into two; on one screen, Garfield arrives back at The Apartment and finds Chaos with some equipment. On the other screen, Stephanie returns to the hotel room where D'Arque is staying.}

XAVIER / CHAOS: So, that's how your outing went?

STEPHANIE / GARFIELD: Yup.

XAVIER / CHAOS: Wow, that's rather anticlimactic if you asked me.

STEPHANIE / GARFIELD: Well, when you haven't seen your person of interest for so long, it tends to be that way. It's not my first rodeo with this sort of outcome.

XAVIER / CHAOS: If I were you, I would have easily done a lot more than just "hug it out for thirty minutes." Sheesh.

STEPHANIE / GARFIELD: I'm kind of glad you weren't there, then.

{Stephanie's screen subsumes Garfield's screen.}

XAVIER: Anything else?

STEPHANIE: Jaqueline Rosenberg got back to us.

XAVIER: Go on...

STEPHANIE: She wants to know how the hell you got the number to the telemarketing department, her words.

XAVIER: Yes, and how did you?

STEPHANIE: Pressed buttons until someone answered of course. Also we've got the room, Endorsement "To be determined at a later price".

XAVIER: Excellent.

{Xavier begins laughing maniacly as the camera zooms on his face and the lighting dims, smash cut to the same shot as before as he stops laughing}

XAVIER: Have you heard this joke about the three pieces of string? It's hilarious!

{End of episode}