Wikihood/eps/5

Transcript

{The scene opens up in Garfield's room of The Apartment. He arrives into it, from a door he opened.}

GARFIELD: Yare yare dawa.

{Garfield collapses on his bed, planting his face into a pillow. His phone begins glowing nearby, which he hears. Groaning briefly, he checks it.}

GARFIELD: ...hrm?

{Garfield proceeds to put his fingers on the phone, as if to text.}

GARFIELD: Well, it would seem one of my companions from long ago, Stephanie Young, has decided to arrive in good ol' Towningdale.

LEX: {offscreen} It's Townindale, mon!

GARFIELD: ...Very well.

{Garfield gets up. He goes over and sprays a perfume with the mathematical symbol for Aleph as its logo on himself. He then briefly changes clothes to a magenta suit and a dark blue tie. He puts on a Dr. Seuss hat, and proceeds to depart from his room into the "living room," where he is spotted by Chaos.}

CHAOS: Just where do you think you're going, looking like that?

GARFIELD: An outing.

CHAOS: You look fruity.

GARFIELD: I presumed it was in-style.

CHAOS: ...whatever.

{Chaos facepalms.}

CHAOS: {muffled} I really don't want to know what outing you're going on.

{Garfield fiddles with his phone and plays Chun Li by Nicki Minaj on his way out. Zoom out to reveal that Garfield is travelling to a nearby towne, known as Bluehaven. There's also a "?" icon heading towards the same town. Zoom out to reveal that Garfield and Stephanie are sitting at a table.}

GARFIELD: Well, Stephanie, I made it...

STEPHANIE: Despite my directions?

GARFIELD: No, I needed them.

STEPHANIE: How've you been?

GARFIELD: Long story short, one of Lex's old time buddies got out of prison and sometimes gives me a headache.

STEPHANIE: He isn't too keen on just living things out in an apartment so you can still be friends with Volkov, is he?

{Garfield shakes his head and shrugs.}

GARFIELD: I don't actually know. He has an odd live outside of the apartment, truth be told. I can't read him at times.

{Cut to Lex's job at the mattress store. Garfield arrives with sub sandwiches.}

GARFIELD: Lex, I figured you might've been famished, so I-

{Garfield blinks and looks around to find that the lot is empty.}

LEX: Eyyy, whazzup mon. It's been a slow day, today.

GARFIELD: Lex, there's nobody here.

LEX: Those are the best days, my friend.

GARFIELD: Don't you get bored? Don't you have any coworkers? Or... a manager? Or anybody?

LEX: Hmm.

{Lex closes his eyes, and shrugs.}

LEX: All I know is that I come here for my eight hours and I get my paycheck in the mail. And honestly? That's good enough for me.

GARFIELD: I don't suppose I call dibs on all these mattresses? Maybe we can sell what we can't store in the garage...

LEX: You want them, you buy them.

{Cut back to Stephanie and Garfield.}

GARFIELD: I thought he got conned, at first, but nah. It's a weird job. Speaking of cons, though, there was that time I had a "date" with this guy who sold me some fake enhancement pills.

STEPHANIE: Some date that must've been, eh?

{Stephanie lets out an awkward laugh.}

GARFIELD: I can assure you that I was nothing but a gentleman towards them.

{Cut to the studio of "DataPatriots." A large, angry, and red-faced man is sitting at a desk, loudly ranting a live television camera while holding a vial of pills.}

ANGRY CONSPIRACY PUNDIT: I'M TELLIN' YOU FOLKS, THE GLOBALISTS DON'T WANT YOU TO BE TAKING THESE PILLS! THESE PILLS WILL STOP THE SHADOW ORGANIZATIONS FROM READING YOUR THOUGHTS AND STEALING YOUR IDEAS! THIS IS AMERICA, PEOPLE!! WAKE UP! THE GOVERNMENT WANTS TO CONTROL YOUR MIND, READ YOUR THOUGHTS, AND ENSLAVE YOU, AND ONLY THESE PILLS CAN SAVE YOU!! THE NEW WORLD ORDER IS COMING, PEOPLE!!!!

{Garfield bursts in, wielding ties around his wrists and two makeshift pistols. His eyes glow red as soon as he recognizes the pundit.}

GARFIELD: Those pills were fake. You are a phony! Now, you get to meet my other friends:

{Garfield lifts his left pistol and shoots the ceiling with one of the guns.}

GARFIELD: Maxamillion...

ANGRY CONSPIRACY PUNDIT: THEY'RE COMING TO GET ME!!!

{The man runs offscreen. Garfield looks into the camera.}

GARFIELD: ...and Roxanne.

{Garfield shoots the camera with the other gun. Cut back to Stephanie and Garfield. Stephanie's face looks a little more pale.}

STEPHANIE: ...that might explain why your bounty went up.

GARFIELD: ...bounty?

{Stephanie pulls out her phone and types something on the screen. She shows Garfield an online website which has a picture of Garfield on the front page.}

STEPHANIE: You can't keep calling these "selfies." Eventually, the government is going to think of you as more than just a nuisance.

{Stephanie sighs.}

GARFIELD: I value your concern for my well-being.

STEPHANIE: It's not unusual to think that maybe things could've turned out... differently for you.

GARFIELD: You're one of the few people that knows the real me.

{Stephanie looks saddened.}

STEPHANIE: Has Tracy been well?

GARFIELD: Some pompous jerks decided to make fun of his cereal cafe idea.

{Cut to Garfield, outside. He notices several "gangster"-looking individuals mocking Tracy openly, with other staff not doing anything. Upon seeing Tracy get beat up by the people mocking him, Garfield's eyes glow red and he promptly heads toward a red motorcycle and plucks the tires off of it, and then enters Surreal Cereals.}

GARFIELD: Is there something I can help you with, distinguished guests?

{The gangsters turn to Garfield. One of them, wielding a Skull Masque, laughs.}

SKULL MASQUE: Get a load of this honkey. {mocking Garfield's voice} "Distinguished guests."

{The other gangsters begin laughing.}

GARFIELD: I was really hoping this could end... peacefully. But, assaulting my beloved Tracy was a grave mistake.

TRACY: Dude, these guys are probably right-

GARFIELD: Maybe I just need to spend more money here. It's time for me to engage in a little cis scum control.

{Garfield smacks Skull Masque with one of the motorcycle tires. One of the other gangsters goes outside and sees that Garfield plucked the tires off of a motorcycle.}

RONALD: Shit, Skullcycle! He just jacked yo' ride!

{Garfield continues pummeling Skullcycle with the motorcycle tires, treating them as chakram. The other gangsters try jumping Garfield, and the frame changes to outside Surreal Cereals, with sounds of screaming reaching outside as several police cars arrive towards it.}

GARFIELD: {offscreen} Needless to say, no gang will be opposing Surreal Cereals ever again.

{Cut back to Garfield and Stephanie, again. Garfield stops talking, so he can sip some tea.}

STEPHANIE: Well, then.

{Stephanie blinks.}

STEPHANIE: {thinking} Maybe I do need to talk to D'Arque, and fast.

{She coughs.}

STEPHANIE: I take it things have been mellow since?

{Garfield nods, still sipping tea. Zoom out to reveal he is also in heavy shade.}

STEPHANIE: I'm pleased to hear that. You know, it's been an awfully long time since we last interacted.

{Garfield stops sipping tea. Nodding, he takes out a purple heart.}

GARFIELD: I made this Katawa Heart for you.

STEPHANIE: Katawa Heart?

GARFIELD: An idea given to me by an online friend.

{Stephanie examines the Katawa Heart.}

STEPHANIE: This is... actually pretty neat.

{Garfield smiles.}

GARFIELD: Glad you think so.