Wikihood/eps/1

Summary

Oh, not again.

Transcript

{Open to a long, sweeping shot of an unnamed town set to light classical music. The camera pans up to the clear, blue sky. A distant plane flies across the screen from right to left, and the series name fades in in large, white block letters.

{As the title fades, cut to a slow, panning close up of the plane, where we see various passengers through the windows. Opening titles play along the bottom of the screen.}

{Cut to inside the plane. A dolly shot takes the camera down the aisle. Flight attendants check with passengers, babies cry, etc. The camera reaches a door marked "First Class," which opens to let the camera continue through. Eventually, the camera passes a booth filled with smoke.}

{Cut to a shot inside the smoke. Coughing his lungs up, Jules Rosenberg tries to clear the smoke with his hand, revealing himself and his father, Frank Rosenberg, who is happily puffing on a cigar.}

JULES ROSENBERG: Fuck, dad! Can't you slow down on the cigars for a little while, man?

FRANK ROSENBERG: {points at Jules} Don't talk to your father like that.

JULES: {groans} This sucks. I'm outta here.

{Jules exits the booth.}

FRANK: Yeah, fine. Just don't try to jump out of the plane again.

JULES: {offscreen} That was one time!

{The camera pans out with Jules, before leaving him momentarily to pan over another booth. Two men in flashy clothes sit at a booth, eating a plate of bratwurst as they look over the window. There's three cups at the booth, as they chat peacefully. Soon, however, the peace is broken as their traveling companion rejoins them, the short Italian sitting next to one of them, as he begins rolling up a blunt.}

DANNY: Ya know, they call it the 'Oceanic Flight 420', but it doesn't even cross over the ocean! It's entirely a continental flight! At least the 420's accurate.

ROY: Danny, please, please don't smoke that next to me. I'll inhale the second hand smoke an-

DANNY: Roy, shut the fuck up. This is a free country. I can smoke wherever I want!

{The other man pauses from his bratwurst to make a short quip, going back to eating once he's done.}

SIEGFRIED: Actually, marijuana's illegal, Danny.

DANNY: Yeah, yeah, whatever, Siegfried. Look, let's just sit down and relax. We'll be back in New York soon. What's the worst that could happen, Roy gets second-hand lung cancer?

ROY: Yes.

DANNY: Shut the fuck up, Roy!

{The camera eventually pans away from the group, panning to a tall bald man who looks as if he could snap at any minute, but he never does, and a red haired chick with fancy red clothing.}

LEIGH: I wonder how my brother is doing.

{Cut to a man with flowing brown hair who looks not unlike Leigh in a nice suit, dancing in a night club. Cut back to the duo}

MADELYN: Probably boring legal work...

{Pan over to a gorilla, dressed in khaki shorts and a Hawaiian t-shirt. He is listening to music on his walkman while doing a crossword. He is singing along.}

BRUCE: I bless the rains down in Afffff-riiii-caaaaaaaa~

LEIGH: {yelling offscreen} Toto sucks!

BRUCE: You suck!

{Leigh sucks. Toto is awesome}

{Bruce's booth suddenly has another person in it, sitting next to him by the window. The masked creature glances briefly at the crossword, before glancing at the window, before speaking without any identifying gender or inflection to their voice.}

GOD COMPLEX: 7 across, gazebo.

{Bruce concentrates on that part of the crossword before writing it down.}

BRUCE: Strewth, that's it! Thanks, man!

{Bruce smiles at God Complex, before looking puzzled.}

BRUCE: Wait, were ya sittin' there a minute ago?

{Suddenly, an explosion is heard as the entire plane interior is engulfed in smoke.}

BRUCE: What the fu-...

????: EVERYBODY SIT THE FUCK DOWN, AND SHUT THE FUCK UP. THIS IS A HIJACK!

{As the smoke clears, it becomes clear who the culprits are. Andrew Davies, leader of the Welsh Liberation Army, a notorious Welsh-Separatist terrorist group, is standing in the middle of the airplane, along with two of his goons.}

ANDREW DAVIES: FOR TOO LONG IN HISTORY, THE WELSH HAVE BEEN OPPRESSED. WE HAVE BEEN FORCED TO WORK IN INTERNATIONAL NOODLE MINES IN HORRENDOUS AND DANGEROUS CONDITIONS, ALL SO THE BOUGEOSIE CAN ENJOY FRESH NOODLES. BUT FOR NO LONGER SHALL THIS BE THE CASE, FOR THE WELSH DRAGON HAS AWAKENED, AND THE WELSH DRAGON IS PISSED!

{Madelyn puts her hand up, as if to say something.}

ANDREW DAVIES: What is it?

MADELYN: Can I have a coke? Diet please, I'm trying to keep my figure.

ANDREW DAVIES: I- um, don't you understand that we are a-

GOD COMPLEX: Ah yes, may I have a coffee please? No milk or sugar, just black.

ANDREW DAVIES: What? Are you really going to-

{Andrew gets more visibly flustered as nobody in the plane is taking him or his goons seriously.}

DANNY: Hey, have you seen my trollfoot?

{Danny proceeds to take the shoe and sock off one of his feet, revealing his trollfoot in all its glory.}

ANDREW DAVIES: I... can't believe you-

BRUCE: Don't you understand, mate? Nobody takes the Welsh seriously. And this is comin' from a talkin' Australian gorilla.

{Zoom out to the plane's exterior, until it is shown as a news report on a local television station. A woman, in her mid-30s, of Middle-Eastern heritage is sitting at a desk, is reporting the news as it happens.}

ANCHOR: According to a report by one of the airline attendants, the hijacker is none other than the leader of the Welsh Liberation Army, Andrew Davies. Davies has been known for previous stunts in the past, such as a public demonstration in Trafalgar Square in London, England where he-...

{The anchor's voice fades into the background as the camera zooms out to reveal that the small TV is sitting on the desk of a guard working at the Intake and Release department of the Republic Island Correctional Facility. The guard, who is an overweight Orc male in his early-30s, is sitting back in his chair and watching the television while munching on a chocolate donut.}

ORC GUARD: Welsh terrorists? Gimme a break!

{The guard snorts in laughter as a bell rings, and the door to the room opens. He quickly turns the television off and sits upright as another Orc Guard, a physically fit female in her late-20s, walks into the room, escorting a male human prisoner, who is in handcuffs. The prisoner is in his mid-20s and short in stature, with messy black hair, pale white skin, and purple eyes. He is gaunt, with bags underneath his eyes which suggest either a lack of sleep, or a lack of nutrition. He yawns as he is escorted to the desk. The female Orc Guard undoes the handcuffs and then instructs him to put his hands on the top of the desk.}

FEMALE ORC GUARD: Put your hands on the desk, where everyone can see them.

PRISONER: Yeah, yeah. I get ya.

{He complies with the order as the male Orc Guard pulls out a ledger and searches for the prisoner.}

MALE ORC GUARD: A release at 3:30 AM...

{He scrolls through the ledger to search for the prisoner's report before finding it.}

MALE ORC GUARD: Ah! Here it is. Felix Abraxas Zabat, is that right?

{The prisoner smirks.}

PRISONER: Yeah. But everyone calls me Chaos.

FEMALE ORC GUARD: Nobody calls him that.

{Chaos' expression turns to that of mild annoyance.}

MALE ORC GUARD: According to the record, you were sentenced to five years in prison, and yet you were paroled two years earlier due to good behavior. Nice one.

{The guard puts the ledger down.}

MALE ORC GUARD: So. Did you learn anything from your time here?

CHAOS: Yeah. To not get caught.

{The female guard lightly slaps Chaos on the back of the head. He recoils.}

CHAOS: Ow! Yeah, yeah! To um, not commit any more crimes, to be a good and functioning member of society, yadda yadda. You know the stuff.

MALE ORC GUARD: Nice, nice. Well, I better give you your stuff back, huh. Do you want us to arrange your transport, or do you-

CHAOS: Don't worry, I've got a ride ready. It's a nice ride too, I assure you.

MALE ORC GUARD: Alright, gimme a sec.

{The guard stands up and walks to a nearby locker. He presses in the number combination to the lock and opens the door, before taking out a small tray of belongings, with a neatly-folded pile of clothing on top.}

MALE ORC GUARD: Lemme check and see if everythin's all here...

{The male guard looks at the list as Chaos looks back at the female guard behind him. The male guard checks off items as he reads them.}

MALE ORC GUARD: Black shirt... check. Black jeans... check. Leather belt... check. Skull belt buckle... check. Toshiteck Cassette Player... check. Wallet... check. Credit card... check. Oh, um. Condoms... check. Klaus Nomi cassette... check. And a Ring of Destruction... check. Does all this sound right to you?

CHAOS: Sounds about right to me, man.

MALE ORC GUARD: Awesome. Agrob, you may escort him outside.

{A buzz is heard from outside.}

CHAOS: Ah, that must be my ride. Nice!

{Chaos is escorted outside of the prison by the female guard as the male guard looks at the security camera footage. He chuckles to himself.}

MALE ORC GUARD: Nice ride, huh?

{Cut to the exterior of the prison. Chaos walks out, looking triumphant until he sees what is in front of him. His look turns into one of distress. The female guard smugly grins as she looks at what greets Chaos.}

AGROB: Nice ride, eh?

{Pan over to reveal that Chaos' ride is an old and rusted ice cream truck, and sitting in the driver's seat is a young man, appearing to be his mid-20s, with tanned skin and dark blond hair. He is wearing a red and blue bowling shirt and acid-washed jeans. He leans out of the window and waves.}

????: YO, CHAOS! OVER HERE!!

{The man presses the truck's horn, which plays la cucracha.}

CHAOS: W-what. I-.. I-...

AGROB: Is this the ride you were talking about?

{Chaos turns around, shaking with indignation.}

CHAOS: No, no. No. No no no, no. Not at all, it must be a mistake, I don't even know the-...

{Before Chaos can finish his sentence, he is slapped on the back by the young man who has exited the truck and walked over to his location.}

????: Chaos, mon! I missed ya!

AGROB: Are you sure you don't know him?

????: Know 'im? Hah, of course 'e knows me! I'm 'is guardian!

{The man holds his hand out over Chaos' head, in front of Agrob, for a handshake.}

LEX: Me name's Lex, and I am 'is ride!

{Agrob shakes Lex's hand, and Chaos sighs.}

CHAOS: You told me you found a "sick new ride that would be super dope".

LEX: I did, though! Do ya know how much of a bargain this was? The scrapyard let me have it for just a hundred dollars, mon!

CHAOS: A hundred dollars? I was expecting a Lambo or something similar, not this!

{Agrob laughs.}

AGROB: I'm sure you'll get used to it... Chaos.

CHAOS: I- um....

{Chaos facepalms.}

LEX: Relax, brudda. I got us a nice place down in Townindale, you'll love it.

CHAOS: Townindale? Oh. Ohhhhh. Well, this changes things entirely! Hell yeah! What kind of place is it? A big house? A mansion? ...Two mansions?

LEX: You'll see, man. You'll see.

{Chaos looks at Agrob.}

CHAOS: I guess this is goodbye then. I would say that I will miss this place, but I would be wrong in doing so! Haha!

AGROB: Right, yeah. Enjoy your freedom, Felix.

CHAOS: The name is Chaos!

AGROB: Whatever. Just... keep yourself out of trouble.

{Chaos and Lex begin to walk back to the truck. Lex looks back.}

LEX: I'll assure ya, I'll keep 'im away from the bad stuff!

{The two hop into the truck, with Lex in the driver's seat. The truck speeds off almost immediately.}

CHAOS: FREEEEEEEEEEEDOMMMMM!!!!!!!!

{Agrob sighs, before going back into the compound. Cut to Lex and Chaos driving down the highway, with the news radio playing.}

ANCHOR: After a terrifying standoff with the military, Davies and his goons were successfully subdued, and all the passangers of the plane felt relief as nobody was seriously hurt or injured. This is Sarah Khoroushi, and you are listening to the-...

{Chaos turns the dial, switching the radio off.}

LEX: Ey, I was listenin' to that!

CHAOS: It bored me.

LEX: I've been followin' that story for the past couple of hours, mate!

CHAOS: Hey, at least you actually got to do stuff. Do you know how boring it was in there? Three years, man.

LEX: Better than five.

CHAOS: Easy to say when you're not the one who got caught. You made off with the cash at least, so I can at least be happy about that.

LEX: Yeah... heh.

CHAOS: You know what? Let's put the radio back on. It's been ages until I've actually listened to music, y'know? Proper music, not the stuff they play in the prisons. The good stuff.

LEX: I gotcha, man.

{Lex turns the dial on the car stereo, moving through various FM frequencies until Chaos shoves his hand away, leaving the radio on a station playing I Wouldn't Want To Be Like You, by the Alan Parsons Project.}

CHAOS: Keep it on this one. This, this is the good stuff.

LEX: There's something I should probably tell-...

CHAOS: Shh. No words. Just listen to the music. I need this. I've needed this for three fucking years, man.

{Zoom out to a montage of the truck driving on the highway by the sea as the music plays. As dawn begins to appear, the Wikihood show title appears over the glistening waters, illuminated by the rising sun. As the truck begins to enter a small city, we cut back to the interior.}

LEX: We're almost there!

CHAOS: A place in Townindale, of all cities? I knew you wouldn't let me down. It took me three years of hell, but we made it man. We're finally in paradise.

{Chaos sticks his head out of the window, looking at the beautiful metropolis outside.}

CHAOS: Can you smell the air? It smells like freedom, doesn't it? You and me, we hit the big shots! All that money, oh man, oh man.

{As the truck goes further through downtown, Chaos turns to Lex.}

CHAOS: We're going a little far into the city, eh?

LEX: Heh, yip.

CHAOS: Ah, I imagine the rich parts are more on the outskirts, eh? Around the suburbs?

LEX: Ehhhh...

CHAOS: You know what? I'm probably distracting you, I apologize. I'll shut up, and I'll let you surprise me. This is going to be so awesome! I'll close my eyes. Tell me when to open them.

{Cut to the exterior of the truck the surrounding city scenery becomes less and less aesthetically pleasing until it becomes almost entirely dilapidated. Lex peers his head out of the window, where he sees a sign which says "Little Moscow." He drives the truck slightly further before it stops at "Katyushas", a small Eastern-European deli. Cut back to the truck's interior.}

LEX: You can open ya eyes now.

{Chaos opens his eyes and looks outside. He turns to Lex, perplexed.}

CHAOS: What? This is just a pierogi bar.

{Lex opens the door of the truck and gets out, before opening Chaos' door, motioning for him to get out. The two walk into the deli as Chaos gets more and more upset by what he's seeing.}

CHAOS: I don't understand... this isn't where we're living, is it?

{Lex leads Chaos to a door in the back, which reveals a staircase to the second floor of the building. As the two ascend, Chaos's face turns from one of sadness to anger.}

CHAOS: This is not where we live is it? We're just visiting a friend? Right?

{Lex doesn't answer. He carries on through what is now an apartment corridor before reaching another door, which he opens, with Chaos behind him. Through the door is a small and grungy two-bedroom apartment, with brick walls, exposed pipes, and flickering lights. Lex turns around and smiles at Chaos.}

LEX: Tah-daaaa!!!

{Chaos callously pushes past Lex as he gets inside the apartment.}

CHAOS: What is this? This isn't a mansion, this isn't a big house, is a... tiny roach shack!

{A voice is heard from the kitchen.}

????: I happen to like the roaches, thank you very much!

{Chaos turns to Lex.}

CHAOS: Who is this?

LEX: E's our roommate.

CHAOS: ROOMMATE?!

{Coming from the kitchen is a man looking to be in his early-30s, tall in stature, yet skinny like a beanpole. He is wearing a thick pair of glasses, along with a wifebeater with a blue buttoned shirt which is open, and a pair of shorts. On his feet are a pair of bunny slippers. He looks slightly disheveled, with scruffy brown hair, and a five o'clock shadow. In his hand is a glass of liquid of indiscernible origin, from which he takes momentary sips.}

LEX: Eyy, Garfield!!

GARFIELD: Howdy, Lex. I suppose this is the roommate you've been telling me about?

LEX: Ya man, 'is name is Chaos!

{Lex runs and jumps on the couch, without bothering to take off his shoes.}

GARFIELD: What kind of name is Chaos?

CHAOS: My real name is Feli-...

GARFIELD: You might as well have called yourself something like "The Edgymancer".

CHAOS: What? Are you trying to say that Chaos isn't-...

GARFIELD: The Edgymancer. Now that is a cool name.

LEX: 'Is mom hates the name Chaos, haha.

CHAOS: Lex, shut up!

{Garfield shuffles closer to Chaos in order to take a more detailed look at him.}

GARFIELD: You look troubled, Chaos.

CHAOS: I kinda am, actually, because I was expecting a-...

GARFIELD: Do you want a Naminade?

CHAOS: What the hell is a Naminade?

LEX: Oh man, pour me out a glass too, Gar! I am parched!

{Garfield shuffles back into the kitchen, where he pulls out a pitcher from the fridge.}

GARFIELD: It is a beverage of my own concoction. I mix Jolt Cola with Japanese Sake and Fruit Punch, sometimes adding other ingredients when I feel like it.

LEX: It's delicious, I promise you.

{Garfield pours out two glasses and hand delivers them to Lex and Chaos, who proceed to sake a sip.}

GARFIELD: Sometimes I substitute the fruit punch for grape soda... sometimes I put freshly squeezed lemon in the mixture, or I use cider instead of sake. Sometimes I put cough mixture into it, along with battery acid to give it a small kick.

{Lex chugs his glass down, as Chaos puts it down and backs away.}

CHAOS: S-suddenly I'm not so thirsty.

{Chaos looks at Lex and frowns.}

CHAOS: So, let us address the elephant in the room, shall we?

LEX: Don't be mean, Chaos! Garfield is not an elephant!

GARFIELD: I can understand how some people may think I am however, due to this incident back in 2006 where I-...

CHAOS: Yeah, we're gonna have this discussion in private, thank you.