Ben and Alex visit The United States of America/Hawaii

on a tropical islaaaaand on a tropical islaaaaand talking to the hula dancers asking questions cus they got all the answers

Transcript

{Ben and Alex touch down in Honolulu international airport}

BEN: Wow, I've always wanted to go to Japan!

ALEX: Huh? Ben we're in Hawaii!

BEN: Hawaii? I thought you meant KAWAII

ALEX: Oh Ben, you silly goose. Now that you mention it though, don't you think Hawaii is like America's Japan, the same way the UK is Europe's Japan? Think about it, they're all islands who really love fish and hot drinks, and

BEN: holy fuck this couldn't be less interesting

ALEX: why do you hate my feelings so much

{Ben and Alex walk through a door in the airport, into a room obscured from view. as they walk out of the room, they are covered in tropical flowers}

BEN: Wow, Alex, they're giving us so many flower shoals! Isn't this cool?

{Alex is bleeding from the eyes, scratching himself all over and is incredibly horse and wheezy}

ALEX: this isn't good im so allergic to this

BEN: To pollen?

ALEX: no to happiness

{Ben and Alex are greeted by a large Native Hawaiian man in a hula skirt and floral necklace}

HAWAIIAN: ALOHA FRIENDS, WELCOME TO-...

BEN: you know can we go one episode without being offensive to a minority group

ALEX: Ben, what are you talking about?

BEN: nah man i'm just saying that it's cheap humor based on the very real oppression of very real people and by laughing about it, aren't we contributing to it in a way?

ALEX: Gee Ben, you're absolutely right. Hey, Mr. Hawaiian man, we are so sorry for what the White People did to your-...

HAWAIIAN: Huh? Sorry, I stopped listening. Have a nice day in Hawaii!

{The Hawaiian man kicks the two into the next scene, which is on the nice beach of Honolulu.}

BEN: Ahhhhhh Hawaii

{Alex is grillin' up some dawgs}

ALEX: Want some weiner, Ben?

BEN: Oh totally dude. I love me a good grilled weiner.

ALEX: Yeah man, it's really cool. I could eat these forever.

HICK VOICE: You wanna talk eating these forever?

{the hick voice reveals itself to be none other than ELVIS PRESLEY}

ELVIS: I could eat most things forever!

BEN: Wait, no. We should be saving Elvis for Tennesse. The man basically WAS Memphis!

ALEX: ben who else lives in hawaii

BEN: uh

ALEX: [23:52:01] Briar Price: who else would you do [23:52:04] Briar Price: lilo and stitch?

BEN: uh

ALEX: [23:52:21] Ben Schlanker: i googled "famous hawaiians" and markiplier came up

BEN: Fine, we'll do Elvis

ELVIS: So how are y'all doin' tonight, friends?

BEN: Elvis, it's only noon.

ELVIS: Yeah, but I mean, tonight, tonight.

ALEX: Tonight, tonight?

ELVIS: Tonight, tonight, toooonight!!

{Elvis plucks a few strings on his ukulele.}

BEN: shit dude you've got a uke?

ALEX: The duke has a yuke!

{Elvis begins to sing}

ELVIS: Ain't nothing but a hound doooooog...hound dog all the time...!

BEN: Haha, I love this song!

ALEX: And I love dogs! I wanna be a dog! Woof woof!

BEN: u ok buddy?

ALEX: I wanna be a cute widdle doggy! With a doggy tail, and doggy eyes!

BEN: ummmm

{Alex, slowly, painfully transforms into a dog, laughing all the while}

ALEX: Woof, woof! Look at me Elvis! Aren't I a sexy widdle dog????

BEN: Elvis what have

what have you done

ELVIS: Do you think I was popular for any other reason than that my music is written specifically to get people to want to fuck me?

BEN: this is a new low

ALEX: mmmmm i can go down low for u, president presley

ELVIS: also i like fucking dogs

BEN: omg fuck this shit

{Ben picks up Alex}

BEN: come on we're leaving

{Alex carries on barking happily at Elvis as Ben takes him away. Cut to a volcano.}

BEN: this is a volcano

ALEX: woof woof

BEN: Even being in this volcano's mighty presence should be enough to melt our skin, and yet we remain. Alex, this is our only chance to escape Elvis, and return you too your human form.

ALEX: Grrrrr!!!

{Two more dogs run up the hill, Elvis's minions. They're there to save Alex}

BEN: What are you doing in the middle of my operation?

{Smoke and ash blinds the three dogs, making them unable to see}

BEN: Hmm, I can take advantage of this. Alright, you dogs, I need to save my friend, but to do that, I need to figure out Elvis's plan! First one to talk gets to say on my volcano!

{Ben grabs one of the dogs and holds him over the smouldering crater}

BEN: WHO PAID YOU TO LISTEN TO ELVIS'S MUSIC????

{No response. Ben fires a bullet, but leaves the dog intact}

BEN: HE DIDN'T FLY SO GOOD! WHO WANTS TO TRY NEXT!?

{Ben grabs another dog}

BEN: TELL ME ABOUT ELVIS!? WHY DOES HE WANT TO FUCK DOGS??

{No response. Ben presses the gun to the dogs temple}

BEN: LOTTA LOYALTY FOR A HIRED PUG.

ALEX: Woof wooof woof woof, woof woof.

BEN: ...Wiseguy huh? At least you can talk.

ALEX: Woof woof woof woof woof woof woof wooof woof.

BEN: ...if I turn you into a human, will you die?

ALEX: Woof.

BEN: You're a big dog.

ALEX: ...For a SHIH-TZU!

BEN: ur not even a shih-tzu dickhead

{Ben throws Alex into a volcano. From afar, he hears Elvis's gentle ukelele strumming}

ELVIS: Nice going, gee-nee-ous. Y'all just killed your friend there. HUNKA HUNKA, HEEEEYOOOOOOOO

{Ben looks into the volcano. Alex is no longer there to be found.}

BEN: Fuck, I killed him. My friend, my only friend, my lovely lady lump, I KILLED HIM.

{Elvis walks up to Ben and puts his arm around him.}

ELVIS: Don't be sad, Benji. How about we go for some ice cream?

BEN: Ice-cream? I love ice-cream!

ELVIS: I'll even let you have two scoops. A treat from the King himself.

BEN: oh my god thank you daddy

ELVIS: Please, call me King Daddy.

{Elvis and Ben walk away from the volcano, hand-in-hand. Suddenly, the volcano begins to erupt.}

BEN: OH SHIT ELVIS, RUN!!

ELVIS: Ben, this is Hawaii! Whenever a liquid approaches us at deadly speeds, we don't run, WE SURF.

BEN: Wait, what?

ELVIS: In fact, we're doing it right now!!

{Zoom out to reveal Ben and Elvis on surfboards, riding the lava waves as they burn everything in their path. Trees, buildings, people, animals. Finally the lava stops flowing and Ben and Alex step off of their surfboards. They turn around to see the wreckage, and the volcano, glowing hot pink.}

ELVIS: Whoa, dang. What's going on here?

{The volcano appears to erupt again, but instead of lava, Alex steps out, now appearing to be made out of lava himself. Next to him is a beautiful woman, dressed in traditional Hawaiian garb. Her hair as black as charcoal, and her skin as red as the magma itself. The two descend from what appears to be a staircase, made from magma. The waves themselves bow down to this godly vision. Ben and Elvis look around to see everyone around them bowing. They too, choose to bow.}

BEN: elvis are we praying to allah

ELVIS: No, that is the Hawaiian goddess, Pele. She is both creator and destroyer, passionate as she is volatile, and she is as powerful as she is beautiful. Us Hawaiians respect her, for she truly is a gracious deity.

BEN: elvis you're not even fucking hawaiian

{Alex and Pele finish their descent from the volcano, as they walk towards Ben and Elvis specifically. Ben and Elvis raise their heads to look upon the superior beings.}

BEN: A-Alex... is that you???

ALEX: I am no longer Alex, I am Mama'Se-Mama'Sa. But you may call me... Alex.

BEN: Alex. That is a majestic name. I thought you were dead.

ALEX: No. For you see, by placing me into the volcano, you made an offer to the goddess you see before her. It turned out that Pele was lonely, being the volcano goddess. And now, I am a member of her realm, and her husband.

PELE: Ben, I must thank you for bringing him to me. I am so gracious to have met this individual. You have blessed me, and in turn, I bless you too.

ALEX: Plus, the sex is fucking great! Ever fucked volcano pussy, Ben? MAAAAN. THAT VOLCANO PUSSY MELTS YOUR PETER LIKE ICE.

BEN: It's great you're alive again, Alex! That means we can carry on going on adventures now, right?

{Alex laughs.}

ALEX: No Ben, unfortunately I must stay here for eternity. Volcano pussy does not fuck itself, after all.

PELE: But please know that as a blessed person, you are welcome to come and go whenever you please. We graciously accept you, Ben.

{Pele holds her hand out for Ben. Ben shakes it, but immediately recoils, due to the fact that she is literally made out of lava.}

BEN: OUCH SHIT

PELE: Oh, I do apologize! I forget that I am made of lava.

ELVIS: So Benji, what do you wanna do now?

BEN: I... I wanna carry on going places with Alex! We still have much to see!

ELVIS: You heard him, he doesn't wanna go. C'mon, we can have fun ourselves.

{Elvis takes Ben's hand and leads him away from Alex and Pele. The two lava deities smile and wave as a single tear rolls down his cheek. Cut to Elvis' penthouse. It is full of dogs. Ben is sitting on the bed, while Elvis is playing his guitar.}

ELVIS: Love me tender, love me sweet, never let me go...

BEN: I guess this is alright too... I guess....