(even if you aren't vegan)
Nox and Namine Try To Riff Ben and Alex
NOXIGAR: Hot diggity damn, Namine! We're finally going to riff Ben & Alex!
NAMINE: No.
NAMINE: And you'll stop having them, on my watch.
NOXIGAR: No? Why?
NAMINE: I'm going to have to be your morality chain on account of the fact you're trying to mock things you like, which generally doesn't go well.
NOXIGAR: But Ben & Alex actually wanted me to review their work, and I finally got to it.
NAMINE: And you nearly died
NOXIGAR: I've had near-death experiences before.
ben and alex find themselves in the heart of dixie where they run into some craaaaaazy civil war shananigans!!!!!
NOXIGAR: shenanigans
NAMINE: They made those grammar mistakes intentionally. Yeezus, Nox! This is a set-up.
transcript
{Ben and Alex have just touched down in Birmingham International Airport, Alabama. They are both decked out in the coolest British tourist gear, with cowboy hats and cameras.}
NOXIGAR: Man oh man, Namine, they look awesome as cowboys.
NAMINE: Can we watch Brokeback Mountain instead?
NAMINE: Oh, you silly sausage. Someone else already made that distinction elsewhere, and I doubt it was intentional on their part.
NOXIGAR: Wait I thought the gay men travelling to a mountain movie was Lord of the Rings.
ALEX: Hot diggity damn, Ben! We're finally in the Ol' U-S-Of-A!
BEN: alex help i burn easily
ALEX: Oh come on, it can't be -
BEN: I am literally a pile of ash.
{Ben is literally a pile of ash}
ALEX: Oh, you silly sausage. Come on.
{Alex gets out a poop-scoop and scoops Ben up and puts him in a small glass jar. He puts it in his pocket and leaves the airport. Cut to the city of Birmingham, Alabama. Ben is now back to normal. As Ben and Alex skip merrily through the streets of birmingham, they notice a sign stating "Civil War Re-enactment. Also, racism"}
ALEX: Ooh, Ben, a civil war re-enactment, we should totally indulge in the HISTORIC CULTURE OF AMERICA
BEN: The sign had me at "racism"
{Noxigar repeatedly vomits and then goes into an asthma attack. Namine wonders if Noxigar should be reading this again.}
{Montage of eagles, fireworks, american flags and burning crosses on civil right's figures lawns. Ben and Alex are at a civil war re-enactment, in full confederate soldier gear}
NAMINE: Burning... crosses? Wouldn't the whole city catch on fire with how hot it gets in Alabama?
NOXIGAR: I doubt that's how fire actually works.
ALEX: Oh man, look how sexy this confederate soldier gear makes me look!
BEN: It really shows off your heiney!
{Cut to Alex's heiney. It is shiny. As Ben and Alex are running through the civil war fields, they spot a man in the distance on a horse.}
NAMINE: This is almost as cringeworthy as Alex's copypasta about "cummies." What even are cummies?
NOXIGAR: You don't wanna know.
BEN: Hey, is that...
ALEX: IT'S ULYSSES S GRANT.
{Heavenly choir of angels as Ulysses S. Grant charges towards Ben and Alex, with a bottle of scotch in his hand.}
ANGELS: ULYSSES S. GRAAAAAAAAAANT~
ULYSSES: agrrhiiiii fought sam juan, pally, and i'll FIGHT YE
NAMINE: Memo: next convention, costume as Ulysses Grant and punch Ben Wanker in the face.
BEN: alex no, he is about to use his lizard tongue
ALEX: What are you talking about, Ulysses S. Grant is perfectly harmle-...
{Ulysses S. Grant's tongue shoots out of his mouth like a smoker. It begins to wrap around Alex's body like a snake.}
NAMINE: Memo: include lizard tongue as part of Ulysses Grant costume
NOXIGAR: Sweet Yeezus, no!
ULYSSES: the art of war is simple enough. find out where your enemy is. get at him as soon as you can. strike him as hard as you can, and keep moving on
ALEX: OH GOD NO, BENNNN, HE'S QUOTING AT MEEEEEEEE
ULYSSES: i propose to receive the surrender of the army of n. va. on the following terms, to wit: rolls of all the officers and men to be made in duplicate. one copy to be given to an officer designated by me, the other to be retained by such officer or officers as you may designate. the officers to give their individual paroles not to take up arms against the government of the united states until properly exchanged, and each company or regimental commander sign a like parole for the men of their commands. the arms, artillery and public property to be parked and stacked, and turned over to the officer appointed by me to receive them. this will not embrace the side-arms of the officers, nor their private horses or baggage. this done, each officer and man will be allowed to return to their homes, not to be disturbed by united states authority so long as they observe their paroles and the laws in force where they may reside
NAMINE: Memo: propose surrender of the army of North Virginia on the following terms, to wit: roles of all the officers and men are to be made in duplicate - one copy to be given to an officer designated by me, the other retained by such an oficer or officers as you see fit-
NOXIGAR: I think we might have to correct the quote before you costume it up as Ulysses S. Grant. Come to think of that, I'm actually picturing you in the costume right now, and-
NAMINE: Save that for later, s'il vous plait.
ALEX: HELP ME BENNNNNN
BEN: don't worry, tiny butt, I have just the plan for him!!
{ben sneaks around as ulysses rambles in incoherently, bottles of scotch literally falling out of his mouth as alex cries and screams and poops himself. eventually ben is behind ulysses}
BEN: wILLIAM eDWARD gLADSTONE HAD YOU beat any day
ULYSSES: aye, lad, what'd you say? don't make me strike ye with my whipping hand now
NOXIGAR: Whipping... hand?
NAMINE: Yeah, no. This whole part seems like Ben and Lex are just trying to piss you off.
NOXIGAR: It just confuses me instead.
BEN: oh god please not the whipping hand, my bottom is too sore from the beatings my dear mum bestowed upon me and also ALEX AND I'S RAMPANT BUMMING
ULYSSES: You done be crushed like a bugger now, eh?
NAMINE: Bugger that, you're using terms-you-should-know-how-to-use-more-proficiently-than-either-of-us wrong.
{As Ben prepares his butt, Alex comes from behind and hits ulysses with his brolly, KO'ing him like a bitch}
BEN: ALEX I WAS GOING TO SAVE YOU, BUT YOU SAVED ME INSTEAD
ALEX: What can I say? It was all part of a good day's-...
BEN: I WANTED TO SAVE YOU YOU WHORE
ALEX: :(
NOXIGAR: :(
BEN: anyway that's enough of the civil war because personally that wasn't civil at all that was just a war
{Namine blinks.}
NAMINE: Nox, you like History, right?
NAMINE: Why isn't that part of you going off right about now?
NOXIGAR: Right.
NAMINE: Y'know that thing where it grinds your gears when historical accuracy gets chucked out the window?
NOXIGAR: Yeah?
ALEX: I heard that Alabama has Christians!
BEN: christians???? what are they?
ALEX: Why Ben, they just happen to be a sect of people who believe in a guy called Jesus.
BEN: Yeezus?
NAMINE: Close enough.
ALEX: Jesus.
BEN: Haile Selassie?
ALEX: Damn it Ben, let's just look at all the churches.
{Alex and Ben are in a cathedral}
BEN: Oh lawd, strike me down where I stand for I have sinned! *grin grin*
ALEX: ben you do realise if you keep talking about gayness here
NOXIGAR: Nothing about that specified gayness
you will be killed these people aren't very toler-
{Ben is bathing himself in holy water}
BEN: IT ACTUALLY KIND OF BURNS A LITTLE
{Alex drinks an entire pub full of alcoholic beverages to cope with the pain}
{Namine drinks an entire pub full of alcoholic beverages to cope with the pain of reading that whole sentence.}
BEN: jesus loves me this i know for the bible tells me so
{Suddenly, the conservative christian Jed Phlanders walks in!!}
{Noxigar drinks an entire pub full of alcoholic beverages to cope with the pain of not only getting that reference, but seeing it used so tactlessly}
JED: OAKILY DOAKILY, NEIGHBOUREENIOS.
ALEX: Hey look, it's JED PHLANDERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
NOXIGAR: You did not need that many exclamation points.
JED: I couldn't help but notice that your friend was acting a little strange. Mind explaining what the dealio is going on around here, neighboureeno?
ALEX: Why yes, my friend Ben here is part of an exclusive sect of Chris-...
BEN: I LOVE SATAN, SATAN LOVES ME, WE'RE A PRO-LIFE DEMOCRATIC FAMILY
ALEX: ...tianity.
JED: Why fiddle my diddle, it sure doesn't seem that way! If anything, it seems like your friend here is one of those Abortionist Gay Muslamic Atheists.
NAMINE: We never use fiddle my diddle outside of writing about Ben & Lex fiddling each other's diddles.
{Noxigar looks nervously at Namine.}
NOXIGAR: wat
BEN: REAGAN WAS A DICK
NAMINE: He was.
ALEX: Ignore him. Please.
JED: Now wait just one cotton-picking second, I-...
NOXIGAR: Cotton-picking takes more than one second.
BEN: NASCAR SUCKS!!!
JED: ...Son of an oakily doakily motherfucker,
NAMINE: I'm sure Ned Flanders cursed in The Simpsons a little more than Jed is doing now.
did you just insult Nascar? Nobody insults Nascar down in DIXIE!!
{Jed begins windmilling and makes his way slowly towards ben}
JED: NYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
NOXIGAR: WRYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
BEN: woah. woah. woah. woah. jen. buddy. you seem so worked up...have you ever tried...love????
JED: Frankly, no. you have 2 seconds to impress me.
NAMINE: You need only 2 seconds to be impressed?
{ten minutes later. jed and ben are passionately kissing on the lord's cross, alex is reading doctor who magazine}
NOXIGAR: Why not play Dr. Who Pinball?
NAMINE: Because then the scene would've been written by you instead, I imagine.
ALEX: Allah damn it Ben, we're getting out of here.
NAMINE: Kanye West damn it, Nox. I think we need to just stop riffing this.
BEN: But I'm teaching him how to loooooove!!!
ALEX: You can teach him how to love later, Ben. We're going.
{Alex drags Ben away from Jed, who cries at the loss of his one true love. Cut to the country. Alex and Ben are now driving in the car from Dukes of Hazzard.}
BEN: I can't believe you stole the care
NOXIGAR: car car it's fucking CAR
from The Dukes of Hazzard, Alex!
ALEX: Me neither, considering how The Dukes of Hazzard was set in Georgia!
BEN: Well if you look at that.
{Ben points to a nearby graveyard.}
ALEX: "The Dead Children's Playground..." Gee, Ben. I'm not sure if we should go to such a pla-...
BEN: Race you there!!
{Before Alex can say anything, Ben has already run into the playground.}
ALEX: Oh Ben...
{Cut to inside the graveyard. It is now dark and spoopy. Alex and Ben are wondering around the graveyard, taking pictures of each other.}
NOXIGAR: SPOOP GRAVEYARD IS TO BE THE NEXT-
NAMINE: yeah no nothing can top SPOOK CLIFF
BEN: Man, the fashion magazines will love these pictures! Quick, take a picture of me like this!
{Ben does a seductive pose next to the grave of a young girl who died in the 19th century. As Alex takes the picture, a ghostly child appears next to Ben.}
ALEX: JESUS CHRIST, IT'S A GHOST!!
BEN: What? Naah, don't be silly, ghost's don't-...
{Ben looks behind him to see the ghostly child waving at him. he screams and poops himself}
MYSTERIOUS VOICE: Aye.
ALEX: Who could that be????
MYSTERIOUS VOICE: I'm Rey MysterioVoicio. I run this dump.
NAMINE: Is now the time to say "Booyaka" or did we just miss it?
{he has two beards on top of eachother}
BEN: Explain the ghosts, wankstain!
MYSTERIOUS VOICE: Lost souls. Dead fathers, mothers. Trapped in the realm between life and death. Unable to pass on without someone to guide them. We try to appease them with swingsets, and dodgeball. But we can only do so much. Tale says that only two british lads, one a pro wrestler, the other canadian, will have to guide them to the afterlife they never saw.
NOXIGAR: LEX IS GONNA LAY THE SMACK DOWN ON GH-
NAMINE: No, Ben wrote this scene I wager.
{Smash cut, ben and alex in full ghostbusters gear}
BEN: WHO YOU GONNA CALL!?!?
NAMINE: {singing} B-b-b-bustin' makes me feel good~
{Ben and Alex vaccum a bunch of ghosts as they cry for help. Ben and alex high-five. Ben and Alex both do their round and cheer on the footy. Cut to Ben and Alex driving to the airport, as the souls of the damned scream in unison, trapped forever, in Ben's pants.}
BEN: I'm more than okay with this.
{Ben rips a gigantic fart that all the ghosts inhale at once. The souls of the damned gasp for air in unison.}
BEN: So Alex, where are headed next?
ALEX: We're headed to....
ALASKA
{The End!!}
NAMINE: That's it, we're done here.
NOXIGAR: I kind of want to travel the USoA with Ben & Lex.
NAMINE: Now, let's go get some Dunkin' Donuts and we'll do something which makes me less prone to cursing and breaking character for a couple seconds.
NAMINE: By my socks, you're in this show already and they make fun of you to your face a lot outside of here.
NOXIGAR: ...really?
NAMINE: Yeah. And no one gets away with substituting me with Vanilla fucking Ice sans my foot going through their ass.
NOXIGAR: Wait, they did that?
NAMINE: Yes, it was actually in poor taste.
NOXIGAR: Oh.
NAMINE:
NOXIGAR:
