Comp/1

Comp

(Two dudes sit in a room, in front of their PC's. One in front of a desktop, the other a laptop, lying on a futon. Both are wearing headsets, both show little real interest in the world around them. In front of the desktop is Adrian, who is tall but not heavy set, with dark hair. Contrast his friend on the laptop, Red, whose hair is red, and is shorter but stockier. Some time passes. Suddenly, Red slams his mouse against the ground.)

RED: It's bullshit.

Adrian: What is?

Red: I got bodyshotted.

Adrian: Oh dear, again?

Red: Again.

Adrian: By who?

Red: Blackie Chan.

Adrian: Ah jeez, what a name. Was he- was he wearing a Gibus?

Red: Natch. They all do. And the worst part was-

Adrian: It wasn't the-

Red: It was the- FUCK! Again. Argh. Sydney Sleeper.

Adrian: Oh my god, that sucks.

Red: I know, right? It's like the one weapon that's just like "AH SHIT LOOK AT ME I CAN'T AIM I GOTTA- I GOTTA USE THE WEAPON THAT REQUIRES NO SKILL". Like, I practice more than a few hours a game, but this tryhard can beat me so easy with a no skill bodyshotters weapon.

Adrian: It's unfortunate. He's on our team.

Red: I know he's on your team. This team sucks.

(Red switches on his mic)

Red: Yo, you guys suck. We need a medic.

(Short pause) Red: It's important I keep playing spy, that's why I can't go medic.

(Red turns his mic off)

Red: Free to plays.

Adrian: You should get less mad. It's a video game.

Red: It is but it's bullshit! Look at this team. We've got like, 4 spies. And they keep getting beaten by the bullshit Doubleyou and mouse one Pyros.

Adrian: I can see how that might be annoying. It's like-

Red: They don't put out their teammates! Like, hello, mouse 2 exists!

Adrian: They're probably just playing for fun. It is a casual game, doesn't need to be competitive.

Red: I guess, but- oh goddamnit. Bullshit. Fucking bullshit, I was cloaked. He's hacking. What an asshole hacker. Jesus. Fuck it dude, I'm ragequitting. Let's get breakfast. Not before I get him vote-kicked.

(Outside. The two are walking somewhere)

Red: What do you want for breakfast?

Adrian: I, uh, I don't know. Give me time to think.

Red: There is no time to think.

Adrian: What?

Red: No time. We can't stop walking, we're on a collision course for the breakfast place in like, a minute. Make your mind up.

Adrian: Oh my god.

Red: What?

Adrian: This is so much pressure.

Red: How?

Adrian: Have you ever had to to to to to decide what breakfast you want? On short notice? It's difficult, man

Red: It's not difficult.

Adrian: It's really difficult, if it's not difficult then you do it, you you you white devil.

Red: Fine. Uh, I-

Adrian: See? Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. It's where you get...uh, where you get your energy.

Red: Your energy.

Adrian: Yeah, for the day. So if you screw that up, then, like, bad things happen and we're here.

Red: We're here. What would you like.

Adrian: Um, hashbrowns.

Red: Hashbrowns!? For real?

Adrian: Dude, seriously?

Red: What?

Adrian: You're criticising me for my breakfast choice? No wonder I didn't want to make a decision!

Red: Well, like, your breakfast game is all out of wack. You said you needed energy!

Adrian: I do!

Red: Then why hash browns, they're bad for you!

Adrian: No!

Red: They are! Also, bland. They're bland shit-

Adrian: They are NOT bland!

Red: Are you offended?

Adrian: I'm offended! Hashbrown meta is like, the best way to consume, like, breakfasts dude.

Red: Waffles. Egg. Toast- dude just. Christ. Get your hashbrowns.

Adrian: I don't want them anymore. I'm not hungry.

Red: Don't fuck with me, how can you not be hungry

Adrian: We've been up all night eating, like, skittles and stuff. Tasty but I'm feeling queezy.

Red: Fine. Geez. I'll order breakfast.

(They enter the breakfast shop. A woman is at the till. Her name tag says "Cleo")

Red: Hi!

Cleo: Hello, what can I get you?

Red: Just like, some waffles or something.

Cleo: Sure, what would you like on them?

Red: What would I? Oh my god. Adrian, a moment.

(Adrian and Red leave the store. Cleo stands there bewildered. They march back in.)

Red: I'VE MADE-

Adrian: He's made a decision.

Red: A decision, yeah. Blueberries, please, uh- Cleo. Blueberries. For me. None for him.

Cleo: Sure.

(Cleo goes to the black to get waffles)

Red: Smart choice, Adrian. You're smartening up. You're understanding the true intricacies of breakfast meta.

Adrian: I just suggested, like, what might taste-

Red: Don't spoil it.

Adrian: Wh-

Red: Shh. Don't spoil the moment.

(Short pause. In comes Cleo, with waffles.)

Red: Cleo! Thank you! For...for the waffles! I appreciate it!

Cleo: You're...welcome? You haven't paid yet, sir.

Red: How much is it?

Cleo: Eight dollars.

Red: I- I- What? Excuse me?

Cleo: Eight dollars.

Red: Adrian. A moment.

(They leave the store. Cleo continues to stand there, bewildered)

Cleo: Guys...? You still have to pay...?

(They again enter the store)

Red: Yes. Hello. I am here, with my money and mine alone. To purchase waffles. These waffles, would, would you like the money?

Cleo: Yes.

Red: Great! Here it is! Money! Which is used to purchase, like, goods and services, and shit! Like waffles!

Cleo: Are you going to give me the money!

Red: Yes.

(Short pause. Red gives Cleo the money)

Red: Alright, thanks!

Cleo: You're very welcome, have a good day.

Red: I'll try. I made the right breakfast decisions, so

Adrian: He should do. He's full-

Red: Full of energy, yeah.

(They stand in the store)

Cleo: You can leave, you know.

Adrian: We, we know. That's like, the norm, right?

Red: The cultural norm. That's politeness meta, it's leaving. After you purchase such goods as like, waffles and what not.

Adrian: Yeah. Wise choice.

(They leave the store).

Red: We did it, we caught wind of breakfast.

Adrian: That was nice, Red. It was nice, like, going out and stuff. What do we do now?

Red: I don't know man but I'm feeling DOTA

Adrian: Dota?

Red: Yeah I've been looking to-

(A pink car drives by)

Red: Wow that was a sweet car. Looking to play Dota

Adrian: Not, League?

Red: No, never, fuck off dipshit.

Adrian: Was that necessary?

Red: It wasn't. I'm sorry. I apologise for what I-

(Adrian trips over, hitting his head. All his black. Adrian comes too in an endless, dark, void. A deep voice echoes everywhere.)

Voice: Adrian. You are alone, son. Nobody else is to bear witness to this meeting. Not your friends, your family, nobody. It is just me and you.

Adrian: Who are you? What's going on.

Voice: I...I am the embodiment of all you hold dear. Everything you are, everything you breathe for is me. I have many names, several of them spoken only by tongues which your brain struggles to perceive. So you may simply call me...Meta.

(Meta steps out of the void - he wears a cloak around his head, masking his facial features. His body is pale, thin, covered in fine, grey silken hair. He wears a small loincloth, and carries a wooden stick)

Meta: The world is more complex than you can possibly imagine, Adrian. Everything you are, everything you will be and everything that has passed his been the product of random chance. Pure chaos. Unstructured entropy that extends as far as the beginning and the end of the creation of the multiverse. But there are a few who can see past the chaos, Adrian. People who understand how to exploit, how to rework, how to succeed in such conditions. Strategists, Adrian. People like me. Like you.

Adrian: I, what, I, excuse me? Pardon? Is this?

Meta: Quiet, child. Your concussion was no accident. We've seen potential in you, Adrian. Suffocated potential, for now, but with time, you will become perhaps the greatest champions of our sport. You have worlds to save, Adrian. Planets. And that is why we had to hurt you, to ensure this meeting took place. Because it may never have, Adrian.

Adrian: You, you, you hurt me? Why would you-

Meta: Enough. We will let you go now. But understand we have entrusted great power in you, Adrian. Use it wisely.

(Adrian wakes up, bleeding from the head, in the spot he fell in)

Red: What the fuck, dude?! Passing out!? What kind of next-level scumlord are you, Adrian? Geez, no wonder you like playing league.

Adrian: Dude, I just got some bad juju.

Red: Some what?

Adrian: Bad vibes, bad juju, bad crazy night terrors something. Some skinny dude was telling me about how everything that's ever been is like, a dice roll, like all luck or something, and how I knew how to exploit such things because I understand the meta, or something?

Red: You- what? Are you kidding? You don't understand the meta!

Adrian: I don't?

Red: Nah, dude, here, let me help you up.

(Red goes to help up Adrian, but lets him go, causing Adrian to crack his head against the sidewalk and pass out again. Adrian is once again in the black void, Meta's there just hanging out having a cuppa)

Adrian: You're still here?

Meta: Oh, what's up. You're back early.

Adrian: Yeah, well, seeing as I'm here can I ask some questions?

Meta: Eh, nah.

Adrian: Aw, come on dude! I want to help you, like, save planets, or something, but-

Meta: That comes later. Go back to your living realm, dude

Adrian: Ugh, fine.

(Adrian comes too, bleeding even more profusely)

Red: See, that's prank meta. You don't get that?

Adrian: I saw him again! Look dude, first things first, I need to like like like-

(Adrian voms)

Adrian: like, get to a hospital so I can get bandaged, or something. Then we need to find out if I have superpowers.

Red: For real? What kinds?

Adrian: I don't know, Red, that's why you need to get me to a hospital.

Red: Alright, I probably should. I'll go ask the breakfast lady if she can help. She probably like, rides bikes. Or something like that. Bikes and shit, could get you there quick.

(Time passes, as Adrian and Red walk off, they return at nightfall, Adrian's head bandaged)

Red: Okay, so how do we learn if you have superpowers, or something?

Adrian: I guess we'd need somebody to commit a crime? That seems like the kind of thing that happens in like, comics-

Voice: Somebody please help!

Red: Oh, wow, check it dude, a mugging.

Adrian: Wow that's pretty like, nifty. Red: Nifty's the word to use. Okay dude, take him out.

(Adrian runs over to the mugging, a hooded man holding another dude at knifepoint)

Hooded dude: Give me like, ALL YOUR SHIT. I need it you know. So I can pawn it, and live.

Victim: Please dude I need it too for like, work, or whatever

Hooded dude: I'm a mugger, that's my job, like, I need it for work too! If I don't rob you, I'm like a bad mugger, you know?

Adrian: Alright, you, bad mugger dude, let him go!

Mugger: We gots ourselves a hero, huh? Whose to say I don't stab YOU!

Adrian: Cus, like, that's mean! And I've already gotten a head wound, today!

(Red runs in)

Red: This isn't working.

Adrian: It'll work dude, I swear!

(Adrian is slashed with the knife, on the back of the neck)

Adrian: Ow, dude! That was my best vertebrae, and you just like, scratched it a little! You could've like, paralysed me! Then where would I be? I'd be like, uh, the scientist! Tony Hawk, from the theory of everything.

Red: Only you wouldn't be played by that hot actor.

Adrian: Yeah, I'd be regular old gross Tony Hawk!

Red: Also his name is Stephen Hawking.

Adrian: Oh.

Red: Tony Hawk is a skateboarder.

Adrian: Figures-

(Adrian is slashed again)

Adrian: Ow! Right, like, quit it!

Red: How you gonna beat this dude, Adrian, you don't get superhero meta!

Adrian: I do, this would be the part where I shrug off the double knifing

Red: Knifing?

Adrian: Knifering, and like, I shrug it off, then he gets scared and I take his knife and he runs.

(The mugger goes to slash Adrian, but Adrian grabs his arm mid swing, seemingly without thinking)

Red: Yeah that'd WOAH

Adrian: What? Wait, OH MAN! Check it dude, I explained my strat and it like, happened!

Red: Rad!

Adrian: That's pretty cool. Yo mugger?

Mugger: I, I'm sorry!

Adrian: Run! And stuff!

Mugger: I'll, I'll be on my way, bye.

Red: Yeah that's right, you fucking scarper!

Adrian: Yeah, run off you you you communist! You filthy communist!

Red: Harsh

Adrian: Yeah, sorry. Oh, like, hey, victim dude, are you good?

(He ran off ages ago)

Red: Dude so like even if you died he'd still have had time to run!

Adrian: Yeah, donkey days. Sweet dude, so I've got a power, probably.

Red: You do?

Adrian: I'm not actually sure. We'll have to keep testing.

Red: Probably.

Adrian: Not now, though.

Red: Why?

Adrian: You know, the head wounds, and the double knifering.

Red: Oh, right. You need

Adrian: Rest.

Red: Yeah, rest and what not. Do you want grapes?

Adrian: Cus I'm poorly?

Red: Yeah.

Adrian: Lucozades good too.

Red: Good choice. You're learning, scamp.

(Red goes to lovingly toussle Adrian's hair, his bandage falls off)

Adrian: I'm gonna need a new bandage.

Red: Yeah. Sorry.

(End).