Ben and Alex visit The United States of America/Hawaii

on a tropical islaaaaand on a tropical islaaaaand talking to the hula dancers asking questions cus they got all the answers

Transcript

{Ben and Alex touch down in Honolulu international airport}

BEN: Wow, I've always wanted to go to Japan!

ALEX: Huh? Ben we're in Hawaii!

BEN: Hawaii? I thought you meant KAWAII

ALEX: Oh Ben, you silly goose. Now that you mention it though, don't you think Hawaii is like America's Japan, the same way the UK is Europe's Japan? Think about it, they're all islands who really love fish and hot drinks, and

BEN: holy fuck this couldn't be less interesting

ALEX: why do you hate my feelings so much

{Ben and Alex walk through a door in the airport, into a room obscured from view. as they walk out of the room, they are covered in tropical flowers}

BEN: Wow, Alex, they're giving us so many flower shoals! Isn't this cool?

{Alex is bleeding from the eyes, scratching himself all over and is incredibly horse and wheezy}

ALEX: this isn't good im so allergic to this

BEN: To pollen?

ALEX: no to happiness

{Ben and Alex are greeted by a large Native Hawaiian man in a hula skirt and floral necklace}

HAWAIIAN: ALOHA FRIENDS, WELCOME TO-...

BEN: you know can we go one episode without being offensive to a minority group

ALEX: Ben, what are you talking about?

BEN: nah man i'm just saying that it's cheap humor based on the very real oppression of very real people and by laughing about it, aren't we contributing to it in a way?

ALEX: Gee Ben, you're absolutely right. Hey, Mr. Hawaiian man, we are so sorry for what the White People did to your-...

HAWAIIAN: Huh? Sorry, I stopped listening. Have a nice day in Hawaii!

{The Hawaiian man kicks the two into the next scene, which is on the nice beach of Honolulu.}

BEN: Ahhhhhh Hawaii

{Alex is grillin' up some dawgs}

ALEX: Want some weiner, Ben?

BEN: Oh totally dude. I love me a good grilled weiner.

ALEX: Yeah man, it's really cool. I could eat these forever.

HICK VOICE: You wanna talk eating these forever?

{the hick voice reveals itself to be none other than ELVIS PRESLEY}

ELVIS: I could eat most things forever!

BEN: Wait, no. We should be saving Elvis for Tennesse. The man basically WAS Memphis!

ALEX: ben who else lives in hawaii

BEN: uh

ALEX: [23:52:01] Briar Price: who else would you do [23:52:04] Briar Price: lilo and stitch?

BEN: uh

ALEX: [23:52:21] Ben Schlanker: i googled "famous hawaiians" and markiplier came up

BEN: Fine, we'll do Elvis

ELVIS: So how are y'all doin' tonight, friends?

BEN: Elvis, it's only noon.

ELVIS: Yeah, but I mean, tonight, tonight.

ALEX: Tonight, tonight?

ELVIS: Tonight, tonight, toooonight!!

{Elvis plucks a few strings on his ukulele.}

BEN: shit dude you've got a uke?

ALEX: The duke has a yuke!

{Elvis begins to sing}

ELVIS: Ain't nothing but a hound doooooog...hound dog all the time...!

BEN: Haha, I love this song!

ALEX: And I love dogs! I wanna be a dog! Woof woof!

BEN: u ok buddy?

ALEX: I wanna be a cute widdle doggy! With a doggy tail, and doggy eyes!

BEN: ummmm

{Alex, slowly, painfully transforms into a dog, laughing all the while}

ALEX: Woof, woof! Look at me Elvis! Aren't I a sexy widdle dog????

BEN: Elvis what have

what have you done

ELVIS: Do you think I was popular for any other reason than that my music is written specifically to get people to want to fuck me?

BEN: this is a new low

ALEX: mmmmm i can go down low for u, president presley

ELVIS: also i like fucking dogs

BEN: omg fuck this shit

{Ben picks up Alex}

BEN: come on we're leaving

{Alex carries on barking happily at Elvis as Ben takes him away. Cut to a volcano.}

BEN: this is a volcano

ALEX: woof woof

BEN: Even being in this volcano's mighty presence should be enough to melt our skin, and yet we remain. Alex, this is our only chance to escape Elvis, and return you too your human form.

ALEX: Grrrrr!!!

{Two more dogs run up the hill, Elvis's minions. They're there to save Alex}

BEN: What are you doing in the middle of my operation?

{Smoke and ash blinds the three dogs, making them unable to see}

BEN: Hmm, I can take advantage of this. Alright, you dogs, I need to save my friend, but to do that, I need to figure out Elvis's plan! First one to talk gets to say on my volcano!

{Ben grabs one of the dogs and holds him over the smouldering crater}

BEN: WHO PAID YOU TO LISTEN TO ELVIS'S MUSIC????

{No response. Ben fires a bullet, but leaves the dog intact}

BEN: HE DIDN'T FLY SO GOOD! WHO WANTS TO TRY NEXT!?

{Ben grabs another dog}

BEN: TELL ME ABOUT ELVIS!? WHY DOES HE WANT TO FUCK DOGS??

{No response. Ben presses the gun to the dogs temple}

BEN: LOTTA LOYALTY FOR A HIRED PUG.

ALEX: Woof wooof woof woof, woof woof.

BEN: ...Wiseguy huh? At least you can talk.

ALEX: Woof woof woof woof woof woof woof wooof woof.

BEN: ...if I turn you into a human, will you die?

ALEX: Woof.

BEN: You're a big dog.

ALEX: ...For a SHIH-TZU!

BEN: ur not even a shih-tzu dickhead

{Ben throws Alex into a volcano. From afar, he hears Elvis's gentle ukelele strumming}