Ben and Alex visit The United States of America/Connecticut

Connect I cut

TRANSCRIPT

{Ben and Alex touch down in kind of generic Stamford, Connecticut JR Airport}

BEN: Dude it's 2AM back home I'm jet lagged to fuck

ALEX: Jet legged? My leg isn't a jet

BEN: What even is connecticut it seems like a useless state

ALEX: Hahahaha my leg is an airplane

BEN: You just said it wasn't

ALEX: VRRROOOOOM it's like a jet fighter. because we're in american SO MANY FUCKEN JETS

BEN: YEAH BITCH JETS

{Two hour montage of Chinese footage of American jet fighters flying around, bombing the jungles of vietnam and the deserts of iraq, all set to "i'll do anything for love" by meatloaf on a constant loop. ben and alex are now in the hotel}

ALEX: really though what is there here?

BEN: Schools. Vince McMahon. A naval base.

ALEX:' A naval base? It seems so obvious, Ben, we gotta join the navy!

BEN: Join the Navy, you say?

ALEX: Indeed, my good fellow!

{Broadway Theatre Music begins to play, as Alex steps forward.}

ALEX: There's.. um... um..

BEN: There's what, Alex?

ALEX: Shh, Ben. I'm trying to think of a song to sing!

BEN: A song, you say?

ALEX: Yes, a song, Ben. You know, like a Broadway musical?

BEN: Ohhh. Okay.

ALEX: Umm.. oh damn it, I can't think of anything.

{Ben pushes Alex out of the way and takes center stage.}

BEN: Let me try this, with a classic song!

{Ben rips his clothes off to reveal a Navy uniform. He then rips Alex's clothes off too, to reveal that he's wearing a stereotypically sexy yet rather sexist Navy costume.}

ALEX: What the fu-..

BEN: {Singing}
Together, We will go our way!
Together, We will leave someday
Together, Your hand in my hand
Together, We will make the plans

{The airport scene behind them literally falls apart to reveal that they're at a Navy recruitment office. Ben carries on singing while Alex follows him, looking confused.}

BEN: {Singing}
Together, We will fly so high
Together, Tell our friends goodbye
Together, We will start life new
Together, This is what we'll do!!!!

{The walls of the office open as it is revealed that they are already on a boat. A chorus of showgirls in American flag outfits appear from both sides and begin to join Ben as he sings.}

BEN: {Singing}
(Go west) Life is peaceful there!!!
(Go west) Lots of open air!!
(Go west) To begin life new!!!!
(Go west) This is what we'll do!!!!

{Alex's costume begins to emit sparkles from the nipple area as fireworks explode in the air behind them. Two bald eagles fly over, carrying a giant American flag in their beaks as Ben finishes the song. Alex still looks confused.}

BEN: {Singing}
(Go west) Sun in winter time!!!
(Go west) We will do just fine!!
(Go west) Where the skies are blue!!!
(Go west) This and more we'll do!!!!

{The song ends to a massive applause. Ben and Alex are now in the Navy.}

ALEX: ben you fucking idiot that was the wrong song

BEN: What?

ALEX: you were supposed to sing "in the navy" not go west for fuck's sake

BEN: Oh, DAMN IT.

{Alex ponders}

ALEX: I feel very conflicted about this whole thing anyway

BEN: Oh? Why so?

ALEX: We come from great britain. Our navy is like Samoa's obesity rates, there are none better.

BEN: Well, just think of it as us helping these poor american swines and their shitty navy then.

ALEX: Ah, that does help.

BEN: So, ever wonder what oddball connecticut based celebrity we can have come meet us for this encounter

its 50 cent

50 CENT: Yo waddup dawgs? It's me, your captain, FIFTY CENTS!

ALEX: Fiddy, how come you're from the whitest goddamned state in all of the USA?

50 CENT: Yo dawg, I got shot 9 times.

ALEX: ben stop you're whiter than a snowman KKK member stop trying to write like 50 cent

50 CENT: anyway, dawgs, i gotta introduce you to the rest our crew here on the USS Get Rich or Die Tryin'. We got me, your captain. And my entourage of 50's chicago gangsters

GANGSTERS: SHEEEEE

50 CENT: anyway, this done excursion about to begin. thug life swaggy swaggy 420 BITCHHHH LETS SEND THIS SHIP INTO ORRRR-BIT

BEN: alex you racissssit

ALEX: WELCOME TO THE NEW YEARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

{Alex's nipples start shooting fireworks into the sky as it emerges that it is now suddenly 2015. 50 Cent has died of starvation.}

BEN: FIDDY'S DEAD

ALEX: no hes not

{50 Cent's skeleton reanimates and begins to grow flesh, before growing skin, and becoming reborn}

50 CENT: hahaha silly brits

{zoom in on 50 cent's face}

50 CENT: Fiddy never stays dead.

BEN: alex what have we done. we've created a monster.

ALEX: we did. it's the frankenfiddy.

50 CENT: FRANKENSTEIN WAS THE DOCTOR, NOT THE MONSTAH.

BEN: DON'T FUCKING TEST ME, FIDDY. I'LL FIGHT YOU. I'LL WIN!

{50 cent pulls out his gat and shoots ben 9 times.}

50 CENT: This is just the beginning. Anyone who don't submit to my demands is getting 9 more of those puppies.

ALEX: Puppies?

50 CENT: I said puppies!

{50 Cent shoots Alex in the kneecaps}

50 CENT: Demand one, all bullets must now be referred to as 'puppies'. Demand two, no-one's ever gonna make me take out the trash again. I'm fuckin rich, damnit, I don't need that shit. Demand three, good education all across America, not just Connecticut. It seems right, damnit.

ALEX: Wait, Fiddy, not yet. What if there's another way?

50 CENT: You can't fight me! I'm immortal! I'm like the Keith Richards of rap!

ALEX: There has to be a way to beat you. Maybe, maybe a rap battle? It can be like the Devil Went Down to Georgia!

BEN: alex im in incredible pain. take me to the hospital.

ALEX: A rap battle! C'mon fiddy, you chicken?