Samiyaza Paranormal Investigation Agency/1

SUMMARY: Pizza is good. Also, Raiku fights a vampire. And garlic is a terrible pizza topping. MORE NEWS AT 11.

Summary

{TO THE WAREHOUSE. Raiku and Raggonix are playing Gran Turismo 5 (shameless sony plug) whilst Raggon is knitting socks, because he can, bitch. Raiku is winning.}

RAGGONIX: YOU FUCKING COCK SUCKING MOTHER FUCKING FUCK SUCK FUCKING BITCH.

RAIKU: Jesus Henry Christ, are you this way with /all/ video games?

RAGGONIX: I AM THIS WAY WITH YOUR MOM, DICKFUCKER.

RAIKU: Uh, wel-

{The phone rings. Raiku takes a quick second to get up and grab it.}

RAIKU: PLEASE BE A JOB.

PIZZA PARLOR MANAGER: Is this the..wow that's a mouthful...SPIA?

RAIKU: Damn, I was hoping for a super cool bold version of it again.

PPM: What?

RAIKU: Nothing. Yes, this is the SPIA! How may I help you?

PPM: A vampire is attacking our customers.

RAIKU: Are you sure?

PPM: Yes, I'm fucking sure, he's moving like lightning and biting people in the neck and sucking their blood.

RAIKU: Couldn't he just be on bath salts? Also, where are you guys?

PPM: Just help us. We're Papa's Pizzeria. The address i- OH GOD AAAAH

{The phone hangs up.}

RAIKU: Mmhm, pizza. Okay guys, hold the fort. I have vampires to hunt. Also pizza to eat.

{Cut to PAPA'S PIZZERIA. The door is barricaded, so Raiku drives through it.}

RAIKU: I'm here, bitches.

RANDOM DUDE: FUCK, IS THIS GUY OUR SAV- GAAAAH

{The vampire, who is totally some old dude, attacks the random dude and eats him. Raiku pulls out a stake.}

RAIKU: Oh shit. This is an actual vampire. I was hoping it was just a guy on bath salts.

{Back at the warehouse, Raggon is now..knitting underwear. Cut back. The vampire lunges at Raiku, who sidesteps, tripping into a booth.}

RAIKU; GAH! Fucking vampires, ruining my fanfiction. Why can't you sparkle?

{Raiku lunges, but the vampire is too fast, dashing backwards and dodging him. Raiku keeps lunging, but keeps missing as well.}

RAIKU: FIGHT ME, YOU ASSHOLE.

VAMPIRE: Gladly.

{The vampire charges Raiku, knocking him through a wall. Raiku is knocked unconscious, as the vampire approaches him, ready to eat him, until he notices the stake in his heart.}

VAMPIRE: Fuck.

{The vampire turns to ash, falling onto Raiku, who wakes up, sneezing vampire dust.}

RAIKU: Eww, mini vampire intestines in my sinuses.

{Raiku looks around, noticing everyone is dead.}

RAIKU: Shit, I still need to get paid.

{He proceeds to rob both the cash register and the safe, before heading home.}

{Raggon is now done knitting two quilts.}

RAIKU: Raggon, how do you knit so fast?

RAGGON: Magic.

RAIKU: YOU FILTHY WITCH!

{Raiku chases after Raggon, before tripping into a wall and passing out.}

RAGGON: Good night, Raiku.

Fin.