Ben and Alex visit The United States of America/Arkansas

In this episode, Ben and Alex find themselves up against none other than Bill Clinton himself, who desperately tries to flirt with the two. Special guest appearance by Johnny Cash!

Transcript

{Alex and Ben have touched down in Little Rock International Airport.}

ALEX: WHAT UP MY HOMIES

BEN: just because segregation ended here doesn't mean people aren't racist, if you say "homie" you WILL have a burning cross on your lawn you know.

ALEX: ben i'm mixed race i'm allowed to say these things what the hell

BEN: Sorry man i forget okay

{Alex and Ben go for a stroll, when suddenly an odd hick voice sounds from a megaphone}

HICK VOICE: Ahyuck, I like my women how I like my coffee. Suckin' me off!

ALEX: Did you hear that, Ben?

BEN: wait what

ALEX: That voice?

HICK VOICE: I like to get things extra messy, hya hya! So messy I'm on her dress!

BEN: Oh, now I hear it. Son, we're in Arkansas, this stuff is common here.

HICK VOICE: Now now, I would just love to stick some cigars up some lady's-... Well hello there!

{Alex and Ben turn around to see the hick standing behind them, gazing at them both with an intense "I want to fuck you" stare. On closer examination, this man is revealed to be Bill Clinton.}

BEN AND ALEX: IT'S BILL CLINTON!

BILL CLINTON: Ahyeah, that's right, it's me, Billy C, I'd like to see You, Me, and Hilary...IN BED

BEN: bill clinton please leave us alone

{Ben and Alex trot along like merry fellows. Suddenly they run into Bill Clinton}

BILL CLINTON: Well, hey boys! How'd you like a night on the town with the President of the USA!

ALEX: You're not the president, you haven't been for like fifteen years

BILL CLINTON: You keep talkin' crazy like that, I'll have to fix you up! Clinton Style!

BEN: bill clinton geez, don't ask don't tell amirite

BILL CLINTON: Why do y'all have to be such bad sports?

ALEX: You're creeping us out Bill, please leave :(

{Ben and Alex walk away from Bill and eventually start running, taking refuge in a small cafe.}

BEN: I think we've evaded him.

ALEX: Thank god, he was freaking us out.

???: May I take your order, you two?

{Ben and Alex turn around to see that they're being waited on by Bill Clinton.}

ALEX: OH DAMN IT.

BILL CLINTON: Remember what I said about coffee??

BEN: yes we rem

BILL CLINTON: I like to put my dick in scalding hot coffee!

ALEX: Okay ben we really need to go

BEN: dude i want my earl gray

BILL CLINTON: I CAN PUT MY DICK IN THAT TOO

ALEX: we're fucking out of here

{Ben and Alex flee, but everywhere they go, Bill Clinton pops up with regular occurrence. Eventually, they jump in a dumpster}

ALEX: Okay, Ben, we never, ever ever, leave this dumpster until we escape Bill Clinton.

BILL CLINTON: did someone say my name

ALEX: No, Bill, yer aright!

BEN: So, what's the plan? We're stuck here.

BILL CLINTON: I've got a plan! You take turns fuckin' my wife with me! Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-haw!!

ALEX: Um... I think we'll pass.

BEN: i need to poo

ALEX: Oh. Um... Ben needs to poo. We'll be right back, Bill.

BILL CLINTON: It's cool. I'll just be waiting here for you guys.

{Ben and Alex climb out of the dumpster and sneaks away, before eventually running.}

ALEX: WHAT DOES THIS GUY WANT WITH US

BEN: HE SAID HE WANTED US TO DO THE DO WITH HIS WIFE, I THINK.

ALEX: I KNOW THAT, IT'S JUST... UGH.

BEN: also i wasn't kidding when i said i needed to poo

ALEX: that's why we're running i guess.

{Ben and Alex arrive at the toilet. Ben climbs in, locks the door.}

BEN: Ugh, this is a doosie of a twosie.

BILL CLINTON: {From within the stall} Don't worry, take yer time!

BEN: Oh FOR FUCKS SAKE BILL CLINTON I JUST WANT TO TAKE A FUCKING SHIT YOU COCKING HIPPIE

ALEX: This is actually the worst. It's like the spoon dude. We're officially fucked forever.

BILL CLINTON: did someone say "fucked forever" because-

ALEX: unless some kind of divine force intervenes!

{Short pause (look mum i did it)}

BEN: hey cash guy that's your cue

HUSKY VOICE: oh shit, sorry. {SINGING} Down, down, down, that burning ring of fire!

BEN ALEX AND BILL CLINTON: JOHNNY CASH!!!

JOHNNY CASH: Well hello there guys. Couldn't help but notice y'all were having troubles with Mr. Clinton, here.

BILL CLINTON: Well, I, um...

JOHNNY CASH: Have you been enticing British teenagers again? What did I tell you last time, Billy?

{Bill Clinton begins to sweat.}

JOHNNY CASH: I said, if I caught you doin' that shit again, I'll shoot ya cock off.

BILL CLINTON: No, Mr. Cash, anything but that! I've been a good boy, Mr. Cash! Really!

JOHNNY CASH: Considering how I caught you again, I'm startin' to doubt that.

{Johnny Cash pulls out a revolver as Bill Clinton begins to cry.}

JOHNNY CASH: I'm sorry it had to be this way, man. But... Say goodbye, Billy.

{Johnny Cash shoots Bill Clinton in the dick.}

{Bill Clinton begins screaming and melts into a puddle of semen}

BEN: Wow.

ALEX: We're free.

JOHNNY CASH: That you are, boys. So, what brings ya to the States?

BEN: Tr-traveling. Through the states. Of America.

JOHNNY CASH: have i ever told you that i've been everywhere

ALEX: i think so. you should write a song about it.

JOHNNY CASH: That's a terrible idea and I hope you fucking burn in hell you piece of shit.

{Ben and Alex chuckle}

BEN AND ALEX: Oh, Johnny Cash!

ALEX: So... what are you gonna do now, Cash?

{Johnny Cash begins to sing.}

JOHNNY CASH: I was a highwayman, along the coach roads I did ride
Sword and pistol by my side
Many a young maid lost her baubles to my trade
Many a soldier shed his lifeblood on my blade
The bastards hung me in the spring of twenty five
But I am still alive.

BEN: johnny you're a country singer not a highway man gdi

ALEX: Yeah? Well... I was a sailor, I was born upon the tide
With the sea I did abide
I sailed a schooner 'round the Horn to Mexico
I went aloft and furled the mainsail in a blow
And when the yards broke off, they said that I got killed
But I am livin' still.

BEN: alex you're not a sailor remember last time you were on a boat you spent the entire time puking

{Bill Clinton comes back as a ghost, just for the sake of singing this verse.}

BILL CLINTON'S GHOST: I was a dam builder across a river deep and wide
Where steel and water did collide
A place called Boulder on the wild Colorado
I slipped and fell on the wet concrete below
They buried me in that gray tomb that knows no sounds
But I am still around.

BEN: bill clinton you were a pervy president what's going on here

ALEX, JOHNNY CASH, AND BILL CLINTON: I'll always be around, and around
And around, and around, and around

BEN: you guys are fucking lame

{pause}

BEN: fuck it, i'll sing too.

{Ben opens his mouth, but suddenly David Tennant's Doctor Who comes out of his Tardis, which came out of nowhere.}

THE DOCTOR: I'll fly a starship across the universe divide
And when I reach the other side
I'll find a place to rest my spirit if I can
Perhaps I may become a highwayman again
Or I may simply be a single drop of rain
But I will remain

ALEX, JOHNNY CASH, BILL CLINTON, AND THE DOCTOR: And I'll be back again and again
And again and again and again

BEN: i hope you all get cancer

{End}